A true story of one Christmas Eve,
when I was fourteen.
I remember the gifts under the tree,
some for my brother,
some for my sister,
some for my mother,
but none of them were for me.

I was disappointed, I must admit.
Never liked Christmas Eve,
but since then I hated it.
I asked mom what will I get,
she said: “You'll get that,
what you will get,
go beg on streets!”

And so I did.
It was not my will,
I was kicked.
Remember the day:
24.12.2006
First night I spent
on the streets.

It was cold,
but not freezing,
at least I think.
I had just shirt, jeans, pants, socks,
but no shoes.
I was shivering.
I was lost and had nothing to lose.

I remember the skin,
turning purple and gray.
My mind was set on one thing,
I need a place to stay.
I found some boxes and a blanket,
I didn't mind the smell.
I made my bed near the garbage cans.

Lying there I watched the stars,
cried eyes out,
was asking God,
the only thing I still don't know,
why?
Why was I brought into this life?
Why I can't just simply die?

It was cold,
and it was bad,
but the worst is yet to came.
Forgive them, Lord,
they know not what they've done.
Forgive them, Lord,
because as sure as hell I can't.

It's hard to accept this,
but it is the truth,
I can pretty much sum up my life
with a series of really bad comedy sketches.
Yes, my life is not never ending stream
from conception until this very moment,
no, it's much more like a night sky,
pitch black darkness,
with moments of bright light.

These moments of flashes
burn so wild and bright,
too painful to remember,
but forget them I can't.
It hurts,
God, it hurts so bad.
Mother, I cannot forgive,
I just can't.
Here it comes
again...

No matter where I am,
it will take me away,
back to the moments
that I can't stand.
I am in my lecture,
trying to understand the secrets
of works written so far away, so long ago,
I wish I was there,
not here.

I am sitting there,
and I am in the bathroom,
I look in a mirror,
and I look so bad,
with my wrists cut open,
and there is blood everywhere,
and I am crawling on the kitchen floor,
beaten,
and every muscle aches.

And I am sitting in the living room,
where my mother is trying to explain,
what the freaking looser I am,
that I **** her life like some vampire,
that her life was ruined because of my existence,
that she wishes I was dead,
and I am sitting there,
in my lecture,
trying to fight the tears back.

My life is just flashes of light and darkness pitch black.

More words will not help me
in curing my insanity,
they had become so empty.
I'm in a maze with no exit.

You were the hand holding my pen,
It's over, don't bother with pity.
My life is held by a few paper clips
and you still think that's what I wanted.

Go away!
I'm not OK.
I'm not OK.
I'm not OK.

I am your fear deep inside
I know all you try to hide
I know your weakness,
your doubts!
I speak when you speak,
when you sleep I rise.

Your darkest fantasies,
won't be worse than reality
that's about to come.
You tried to hide from me,
thought some pills will make me run,
but honey, you and me are one!

I see you understand,
your mind's falling apart,
all your friends left,
with them sanity and pride,
but you know I will stay,
until the end of your miserable life.

You see, I was never wrong.
How long ago I advised you to die?
Still you insisted on learning more,
well, was there anything worth going on?
You were a failure at everything,
you just wasted air by breathing.

Your “friends,” or what were they called?
Just used you, hurt you and then let go.
How grotesque – you believed them!
How they laughed behind your back!
You tried to appease them,
you never had any spine.

Accept it, you were never loved.
Not by your mother, lovers of friends.
In the end, there was nobody who cared.
All that air, you wasted breathing.
Should you decide to die tonight,
there will be no one who will cry.

Try to make this one thing right,
don't be a burden to everyone,
they are tired of pretending,
don't you see? They want you to end it.
Do you want to suffer more,
or all of it to be gone?

There is nothing to be feared,
or if there is, I will be near,
Should your hand be rather shaky,
remember it's ending aching.
If you think, there is some hope,
just remember how it all went wrong.

Don't fight me, I'm not your foe,
I'm a friend, dearest of them all.
You know how to free your soul
from this prison of your own.
Death is nothing wrong,
just free yourself and go!

It seems that the eternal night
has covered my mind
I'll be consumed
in the morning there'll be nothing left.

All these words
left me speechless
betrayed again
I'm mad

I believed at least
they will last
that I will create something
that changes the world

I dream

I'm so ******* unhappy
and I wish somebody could sit here
and tell me tomorrow will be better
but truthfully
I've been through so many tomorrows
and so many last nights
that no matter how many pretty words they whisper
nothing will change.
So close your eyes, my love, and I promise you
nothing will change.
And I'll keep walking slower
and not listening
because I've got nowhere to be and nothing to hear
in this god forsaken, obscurely dark world.

I'm fed up with life,
but I'm too scared to die.
How many times I tried?
How many times I missed?

How could I thought you are
the person of my dreams?
I put you on pedestal,
how stupid was that of me?

I just wanted you to know,
that you are the right for me,
but you never showed
any affection to me.

You used me, abused me,
made me play your game.
You knew if you lose me,
I'll never be the same.

You drained me all this time,
until there was nothing left inside,
then filled me with your lies,
until I'm crying when I smile.