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Jun 2018 · 252
Good Again
Jamie Horridge Jun 2018
all my life, I tried hard to be a happy little girl
But I had a lot of rotten people come and shake my world

when I was 16
I woke up to unfamiliar fingers inside of me
And then when I was 17
My best friends brother ***** me
but nobody ever knew that
I guess because nobody ever asked
I knew that it would be worse to speak up
so as a little girl, I had to push away the past

then at 18, I found my father dead
I tried to save him and never blame him and just blame myself instead
but man that **** really ****** up my head
at age 19, I conceived a baby girl
I met the love of my life and together they changed my world
but at age 20, things started to get tough
I was a **** good mother but the love I felt just wasn’t enough
I had baggage that weighed me down so much that it tore me from head to toe
I tried to hide it and fight it and stitch up my own wounds and make it so that nobody would know
but the trauma I’d endured held onto me
and now, it holds on so tight that I can hardly breathe

I had another baby at 21 years old
after she was born, it was like my dreams froze
and I grew cold
everything I tried so hard to hold in
just fell apart before me
I let my demons win
23 and everyday I feel like dying
but I’m still here, I haven’t stopped trying
I have two little girls who need their mom to be
the woman that she is, not what pain has painted me

today I found a way to heal
I found help, I found someone to tell me that my pain is real
someone to calm my stress and tell me how to feel good again
it’s okay to need therapy to feel good again
I’m gonna feel good again
things are gonna be good again
Jun 2018 · 273
My Dissociative Part
Jamie Horridge Jun 2018
Dissociation is a friend of mine
She wears a leather jacket and tells me when to run and hide
She puts up glass walls between me and everything else
She doesn’t trust anyone, she hardly trusts herself
The glass walls can only be seen by me
Which explains why people find it hard to understand
That I can’t feel much of anything, even with my own two hands
I can touch you, I can even *******
But I can’t guarantee we’ll ever be close
Because the girl who wears the leather jacket, tells me she loves me most
Mar 2017 · 367
Don't Let Go
Jamie Horridge Mar 2017
You were fifteen when we met
I was almost four years older
We finally kissed and I'll never forget
How when my heart sank, it brought down my shoulders

You took the air out of my lungs
With just one little kiss
I had no idea what we'd become
I never knew it'd be like this

Three years, two kids
We're still not on our own
No, we never pictured this
But you've become my home

Life is rough as hell right now
And I admit I've been out of control
But I know our future is bright somehow
In your arms is where I rest my soul

I love you more than you will ever know
I'm in love with you and I can't let you go

Please don't let me go
Sep 2014 · 1.1k
Dear Daddy
Jamie Horridge Sep 2014
You've been away for awhile, and I've got a lot to say
A lot of things have happened since that devastating day
I want you to know what's going on in my world
I'm gonna be a mother, daddy
I'm having a baby girl

You won't be here when she finally comes into my life
You won't be here when she's the flower ******* the day I become a wife
You will never tuck her in and kiss her goodnight
She'll never meet you, and to me it's just not right
It's like a knife to my chest
A blow to my soul
It's not fair she'll never know the man that gave me life
But I'll do my best to make up for it, I'll tell her every night
The ways in which you loved me and made me who I am
So that I could create this baby girl, and love her like I can

I'll love her unconditionally
Just the way that you loved me
And I'll love her just as much
When she tells me she hates me

I'll look her in the eyes and be reminded of the days
You looked into mine, and loved me this way
Mar 2014 · 1.1k
Untitled
Jamie Horridge Mar 2014
I can still hear you walking,
stomping
Hoping you don't hear me talking,
stopping
realizing I'm talking to myself
cause there is no one else

You know, I used to get sick of the way
I cover everything up with laughter
I got it from you
And I used to wish I never had
It makes it hard to deal with things
Because I don't
I just laugh until it doesn't hurt
And sometimes that's worse

I used to hate how nervous I get
Before leaving the house
Always searching for something else
Always feeling like I'm missing something
It's not that cold,
but what if my car breaks down?

But I miss how smart you were
And how humble you were
When asking how to spell simple words
I **** at spelling, too
I got a lot of bad things from you
Or so I used to think

But now, it's as though all my flaws
Have become pieces of you
Laced through different parts of me
How could I ever hate them now?
I'm still learning to love myself because of you
I'm still growing to love the way you taught me to
I love myself even better now
And it's all because of you
eh
Mar 2014 · 872
A Wonderland of Lies
Jamie Horridge Mar 2014
Sometimes I don't feel anything
My nervous system responds as though I am here
In this body
But I am not
I'm somewhere that I find hard to explain
Somewhere that I feel may not be a part of real life
Or visited by anyone other than me
It is a place I may have made all on my own, all for me

Does that make me crazy?
You must be asking yourself if I am
But I am asking myself "how?"
How does it make me crazy that I have created a place of solitude?
I go to this place to save myself
Because if there's anything I've discovered, it's that I'm the only one who can
I grew tired of waiting for someone to throw me a life saver
I grew tired of waiting for superman, dangling from great heights
So I jumped
And I fell into a place that I have coined safe
A place I have coined all my own
I'm never lost or confused here
It's somewhere I belong

So if I have made a wonderland of lies in my mind to keep from losing myself,
does that make me insane or completely aware?
Mar 2014 · 481
Untitled
Jamie Horridge Mar 2014
It hurts to write
and I don't mean my hand
Mar 2014 · 12.6k
If You Were the Sun
Jamie Horridge Mar 2014
Who are you and why do you have this effect on me?
You walked in the room and I can hardly breath
Do you make me nervous on purpose, or is it just me?
Are you doing this on purpose?
I'm falling so quickly

I don't wanna rush it and call it too soon
But if you were the sun, then I'd be the moon
Your eyes illuminate the streets with the only light I can see
I'm just a deer in your headlights when you look at me

Take me anywhere you want to go
I'd follow you into the dark in places I don't know
Wherever you are is where I want to be
You're everything I want, and all that I can see

If you have a hint of doubt about the things that I have said
Just believe me when I say, you do laps inside my head
If you leave it up to me,
I'd tell you to stick around
You be the tree,
I'll be the roots in the ground
I'll help you grow and try to give you everything you need
Darling, it'd make me happy if you grew old with me
Feb 2014 · 6.0k
Dear Daddy
Jamie Horridge Feb 2014
Dear daddy,
there's a box full of letters under my bed
I wrote them to you but kept them in my head
For reasons a little more than "left unsaid"
No, I can't communicate with the dead
Paper doesn't reply
And if it could,
It wouldn't compare to the conversations between you and I
You were inspiring and wonderful
Did you know that, daddy?
You were brave so that we were comfortable
In a house with safety that still survives
To me, you've never died
And every time I say that you have,
I feel that I've lied
In my dreams, you're still real
A body I can hug,
A person I can feel
But when I wake up,
you are gone again
And I'm struggling...I am
Because I lost my best friend
We were getting closer, weren't we?
Things were getting better, weren't they?
I know everything happens for a reason,
or at least that's what they say
But I can't find a reason to take a man's life
Though I can find a reason to use this knife...
But I'm stronger than that, and maybe that's why
Good people must go, even the best must die
I might've lost my dad, but I won't lose this fight

Dear daddy, you should know that I'm much stronger now
I'm falling apart but I stand tall somehow
And it hurts every day, and we all still cry
But you had to go, and even though I don't know why
I know that there's a reason behind your leaving
I know that there's a reason I was the one to find you'd stopped breathing
I know there's a reason for October 15th
I know I don't know that reason,
But I'm getting closer, I think.
Please excuse how poorly I've been writing. To say the least, it hurts to write anymore.
Feb 2014 · 968
I'm not Ready
Jamie Horridge Feb 2014
I don't want it to get easier
I want it to be just as hard as the first day
I want it to hurt this bad forever
I want it to sting like I just found him
It's a twisted way of hanging on
But I can't let go...
If I could, I'd relive the day that he left
So that I'd never have to feel to far away from him
It's a twisted way of holding on
But somehow the intensity of the pain makes me feel closer to him
As if he just left...
And maybe that's because I'm waiting for him to come back
It's so twisted
But I'm still waiting
Just like I waited for him to come back
After the week or so he spent in the hospital
Just like I waited for him to come back
From his hunting trips when I was little
Just like I waited for him to come back
When he went out for dart night at the bar
Just like I waited for him to come back
When he'd drop me off at a friend's house
Because he always came back
He never forgot about me
Now I'm not sure where he went
But I should know that he's not coming back
And in the small moments that I realize that,
I feel forgotten
I feel lonely
My daddy always came back...
Daddy please, don't forget about me...
This pain...in a way, it's what keeps me going
It's a twisted way of hanging on
But I'm not ready to let go.
I miss you.
Feb 2014 · 884
A Good Day for Death
Jamie Horridge Feb 2014
Today seems like good day for death
Seems like a good day to take my last step, last breath
So why don't you **** me?
Put a gun to my head
It'll make me smile
It'll thrill me
I'm no selfish being,
I can't **** myself
But I've got the gun and it's loaded
All I need is a little help
Ease my pain, but first crank it up
Torture me with the pain I've caused
Until I've had enough
Put me through hell
And then take my life
I promise I'll be alright
It'll make things better
Once I see the light...
Jan 2014 · 691
What's in my head?
Jamie Horridge Jan 2014
I see dead people walking the streets
They've come back to life and they finally feel free
I see dead people dancing in the streets
They've died once before, but they're more alive than me
I see dead people when I close my eyes
But they're not sad, they're happy
And I just don't get why
I've seen dead people with more life than most
Do we finally start living when we become ghosts?
I've seen dead people dance in the rain
Do we finally see clear when we go insane?
Jan 2014 · 2.3k
Bad Roommate
Jamie Horridge Jan 2014
Walls I plastered in my skull
Walls all around
No one gets through
And I don't come out
I feel safe here
But loneliness lives with me now
Under a roof I built
To keep loneliness out
Jan 2014 · 931
Sick of Small Talk
Jamie Horridge Jan 2014
How would you feel if I told you I like your mind?
I enjoy your spoken thoughts 'cause they're similar to mine
And what would you say if I asked to hear more?
Tell me what goes on in there when you shut the door
What does your mind search for while you search for sleep?
What do you envision in the moments you hardly speak?
Do you question these things, or is it just me?

Ask your neighbor, a stranger...
What it is that makes them move
Not down the hall, across the street, or into another room
Ask them what it is that really makes them move
What touches them so close they're not sure what to do?
Have you ever been rubbed raw, brother?
And who was it that rubbed you?
And what did they have to say?
Why did you let it slip in and change your thoughts for the day?

Ask yourself the same thing
What really grinds your gears?
How often do you change your thoughts?
Every week, month, or year?
How many minutes in a day do you spend thinking to yourself?
How many times can you recollect asking for help?
Do you carry confidence with you to the places that you go?
These are the things in our minds that most never know
We settle for small talk, for some reason, like that's all there is
For that reason, I'd prefer not to talk to an adult over a kid
They'll tell you anything and that's how it should be
Let's open our minds and let others see

What is it about a person that draws you in?
What about being human makes it easier to sin?
What's the first thing you noticed when you opened your eyes today?
I've been thinking a lot, and I think that's okay...

People would look at me strange if I asked these things,
But if they found this on tumblr, it could be life changing...
Don't close your mind to things that seem off the wall,
Let's try something new,
I'm sick of small talk
Jan 2014 · 695
Living with your Ghost
Jamie Horridge Jan 2014
I will never know if you float around
I will never know
If ghostly feet I cannot see still sit below your seat
While you are gone, I will never know
If there's a day you will return home
A different life, perhaps
One without loss of any kind to block the mind and clog the spine
Ache the hearts of loved ones near and far
A different life
One in which my father never rests in a jar
As ashes of his past that we cannot bring to life with time
With time, they say we will heal
With time, I say... This will only become more real.
This. Cannot. Be real.
Jan 2014 · 1.5k
A Scorpio's Strength
Jamie Horridge Jan 2014
Stop.

Breathe.

Write.


My heartbeat slows as the words flow out
Sometimes I can't believe these words come from my mouth
Or my fingers should I say perhaps
Nonetheless, these are mine
I keep them in this mind I call my knapsack

In this knapsack of mine,
Are the things people never see
So to write from it is hard sometimes
These are my personal feelings

I'm tired of being true to everyone but myself
It's okay that I'm not okay, it's okay to need a little help
But don't listen to them when they say,
"You can't do this on your own"
They only say that because they couldn't
Girl, they don't know the ways you're strong

I gotta keep putting faith in these bones
I possess the only arms that I've ever called home
My soul is independent because my strength runs deep
And to be able to see that now, means a lot to me

I've come a long way
And I've still got a long way to go
But don't think I'll ever say,
"I can't do this on my own."
Jan 2014 · 659
Running Scared
Jamie Horridge Jan 2014
You move me,
In a way I cannot understand
You touch me,
With something other than hands

Is this perfect timing, or did someone time this perfectly?

Don't get me wrong, I'm scared for my life
This could go every way but right... and it might
But you move me in a way that I do not understand...and I want to
I want to know what it is you do
I want to know how you do it, and if I'm the only one you do it to

For now, I'm running scared
But I'm running circles around you
Jan 2014 · 880
I want to kiss you.
Jamie Horridge Jan 2014
I want to kiss the scars on your face.
Not because I want to heal them,
I see that they have already had enough time to heal on their own.
I want to kiss them in hopes that you will learn to give them love like I wish to.
I want to kiss them so that you never regret them.
I want to kiss them so that every morning that you wake up and find them in the mirror again,
you can't help but love them...even if only a little.
I want to teach you to love the parts of you that you find hard to...because I find it easy.
I will teach you how to love yourself.
And if my love is the only reason you love those parts of yourself...the ones you thought you never could,
I will make sure to never stop loving them...so that you will never stop loving them, either.
Jamie Horridge Dec 2013
We are all the same when ripped apart
Just skin and bones and a pumping heart
So what makes you so special?

We all have our share of problems
And we've all got our dreams
Sometimes we're not sure how to solve them
Sometimes it comes so easily

If you took a look at me
What would come to mind?
Do you think that you could see
The demons that swim my spine?

Of course you couldn't
And if you could, you wouldn't try
And that is just the problem
With the world and I

We see what's on the outside
A book, a house, a letter
We don't care about the inside
Until we know it's better

We are all the same when ripped apart
Just skin and bones and a pumping heart
So what makes you so special?
Jamie Horridge Dec 2013
I'm frightened when the phone rings for the very first time,
And every ring after that makes me just as nervous
And angry
As if I want to yell for silence
But no one is there

There's one good thing about the house phone ringing,
If they leave a voicemail, they get to hear my dad's voice
I haven't heard my dad speak in fifty days
He was fifty when he died,
fifty days ago
fifty doesn't seem so old to me now

There are nights that I get to see him,
But only with my eyes closed
While I sleep on his pillow
Because it still smells like him
Sometimes I hear his voice
And my stomach drops and I grin
Until I realize...

I'm frightened
And every ring after that makes me just as nervous
And angry
As if I want to yell at someone
But no one is there

There's one good thing about depression,
After you leave a voicemail on your mother's phone, you'll be put to sleep
In fifty different ways,
with fifty different pills
because fifty doesn't seem like so many to me now

Fifty just doesn't feel like anything to me now
I just don't feel anything now
Please note; I do not actually take pills, this is just a reflection of how I feel.
Jamie Horridge Nov 2013
You don't know her,
and she doesn't know you,
but she'll smile right back,
In hopes that you smile, too

She's got a heart of gold
But she's blind as a bat

So you want to get to know her?
You want to trace your way
Through the roots beneath her feet
But boy, she grows guarded
She's not just any tree

She's got a heart of gold
But she won't give you that

You don't know her,
don't ask her to stay
You're no different
And she will push you away

She's got a heart of gold
But she's strong as nails

There's no saying how close
She'll decide to pull you in
But don't get comfortable
She will shed you like skin

She's got a heart of gold
But she doesn't need a thing

Don't blame her
She doesn't know what she does
She only sees the aftermath
The bruises and the cuts
She will look at them all wide-eyed
"Who would do such a thing?"
She simply cannot fathom
All the pain her love can bring

She's got a heart of gold
But she's blind as a bat
Nov 2013 · 488
Untitled
Jamie Horridge Nov 2013
You should know that when I get to rest my mind
I dream of lovely, crazy things, like when I called you mine
I can find our love again, every time that I find rest
Out of all the lovers I've had, I'd say you were the best
I still imagine what it'd be like
To grow old with someone like you
I remember when I truly thought I would
But seasons change and people do, too

Just know I don't regret you
Jamie Horridge Nov 2013
Do you think your pain would fit in this bottle?
If so, baby, fill it up
'Cause look, I know you've been hurting
-- Sorry I'm not good at this stuff

I know all the words that make you smile
But I forget them when you look at me

Could you fill it up and send it back to me?
I wanna take your pain away
Don't laugh at me
Float your worries on the surface of the sea
I'll hold them for a while because I like when you're happy
Oh, I wish it was that easy
I wish you were that easy
Nov 2013 · 431
Without an Attempt
Jamie Horridge Nov 2013
I fall in love with you again every time I fall asleep
It's inevitable
And darling, we hardly ever speak
We don't need to.
I don't need to see you
Not your eyes or their glow
I don't need to be with you
To know that your heart is my soul's home
I don't need to hear you
I see it perfectly
I need to be near you
And I need you near me

We'll never be what we used to be
But that doesn't stop me from falling in love with you
Every time I fall asleep
Jamie Horridge Nov 2013
If this is a game,
I can't win it
Count me out,
Take the cards
If this is a race,
I won't finish
Turn around,
this has gone too far

I think I know when enough is enough
I think I've had just enough
Nov 2013 · 400
Untitled
Jamie Horridge Nov 2013
When I wake up in a room with an open door and a light,
I feel like I'd been read like an open book all night
Nov 2013 · 1.2k
In My Baby Sister's Eyes
Jamie Horridge Nov 2013
I was hell bent on being sad
Making desperate decisions
To push away the past
Thought I lost all that I had
It all started with my dad
I used to think my rebellious ways drove him to drink
Until I learned about his eleventh chromosome
It was then I knew why the sight of alcohol made his mouth foam
He’d raise his voice
Then his fist without a conscious choice
The next morning he’d be sorry
Kiss my bruises if he could
But I’d already be gone
We all knew I would
I’d be gone before he woke
With ****** friends looking for anything to smoke
Now I only smoke the ashes of my pride and the fresh potpourri of my regret
There’s a few things like this I’ll never forget
Here’s to my mother
She could never understand
Why I changed so drastically by the unwanted touch of a man
It tore us apart the way she just couldn’t see
How that man could ever take so much from me
My little sister would worry when I didn’t come home
She’d be scared each time was real
That each time I’d finally leave her alone
But what she doesn’t know is why I’d always return
I came home to see my baby sister
Because a baby is how my eyes will always see her
My sister put a smile on even when home was hell’s prison
Somehow she always felt she had to hide what’s arisen
She was always good that way
Through every heartache she’s been the strongest of four
She’s the reason why I don’t run anymore
Now and then I reminisce back to when she was three
It took so long for ignorance to pass
Took me a while to see
How I need her curious eyes to forever look up to me
Some days I lose my calm thinking whether or not she always will
As long as she does, I’ve not lost it all
In my baby sister’s eyes, I’ve got everything still
This poem was never meant to make my father look like a ****** dad, he was a great dad. We were a family that struggled through a lot, but we struggled with love and we made it through. We miss you a lot, and I hope you know I never meant to write about your flaws. Looking back now, I guess you could assume that I did but just know that the bad stories are the ones that make the paper.
Nov 2013 · 874
I'm trying
Jamie Horridge Nov 2013
Night time is the worst
We're supposed to go to bed like it doesn't hurt
Like this type of pain can't keep us awake
Like we didn't lose our dad
And our hearts didn't break
Like we aren't broken or open
Or searching for comfort each night
Like we don't go to bed hoping
We'll wake up from this life

They delivered bad luck rather than handing candy out this year
And our address was first on the list
All these shots to the chest are starting to collect
These are the kind of demons you can't fight with your fist

You never think it can happen to you until it happens
but it happens so fast, there's no way they could warn you
And it's never the good things we look back on, but the bad things
We can talk about the memories with love but you know it's the evil things that haunt you, too

Lately I can't write because it hurts too much
It's like rubbing an open wound but there is no cut
No pain you can see with your eyes,
But I promise you I'm hurting
This smile's just a disguise

Is it working?
Am I trying hard enough?
Have I convinced you, too, that I am tough enough?
Have I filled my actions with strength or words with ease?
Can you see what this ****'s done to me?
I'm trying not to let you see what this has done to me.
Nov 2013 · 543
Oct. 15, 2013
Jamie Horridge Nov 2013
I know you didn't mean for this to happen
and your heart would break if you could have seen my reaction
when I found you on the floor, blue as I've ever seen a person before
It doesn't make sense to me, how could it be?
That I was laying in bed, just trying to get more sleep
While you were laying on the floor
Getting much more than sleep...
It only took one look for me to know you were gone
but I pounded on your heart and told myself to be strong
I told myself you would wake up and ask me what was wrong
"What happened? Baby girl, why you so sad?
I just bumped my head, look... it's not that bad"
But that's not how it happened, and I lost my dad
That's not how it happened
My daddy didn't come back

But I remember every Friday night, our movie night.
I remember going to that diner with you and getting chocolate milk out of a frozen mug with a side of the best curly fries I'll ever eat.
I remember when you used to tuck me in at night I used to never move until I fell asleep... and if I had to *** in the middle of the night, I squeezed my way out perfectly just so I could come back into the spot you tucked me in.
I used to always want to sleep with you in your bed... remember, daddy?
**To me, you're not dead.
Not really a poem.... just my thoughts right now. Need to get them out
Oct 2013 · 781
This is denial, isn't it?
Jamie Horridge Oct 2013
No matter how many times I picture you lying there
      Motionless,
                  Lifeless
I cannot wrap my mind around the fact that you are gone,
That in just a couple hours
The ones that follow bed and morning,
you left
And I found your body somewhere without you

But in the small moments that I do,
I am completely
Lost
Angry
Confused
Afraid
Alone
And slowly dying, myself

How could I lose you?
My daddy...

**No.
Oct 2013 · 750
Thinking of you
Jamie Horridge Oct 2013
How do you write with a heart that's not broken?
Surely there are people who know something I don't
Then again, why would you write with one that is?

I can talk about how lovely the weather is
How bright the sun is shining through the irresistible colors in the sky
How they remind me of sherbet ice cream in all flavors...

But before I know it, I find myself reminded of my daddy again
And how he used to buy tubs of it and eat it like it would certainly expire tomorrow

I can still see him eating it in the living room
With the tv on, at around 3 AM

I guess I can thank him for my sleeping habits
And my never ending love for sherbet ice cream
Sort of been tip toeing in my mind when writing lately to be sure not to wake up words I am not ready to write. So this isn't my best, but it means so much to me. Missing you, daddy.
Jamie Horridge Oct 2013
We are all the same when ripped apart
Just skin and bones and a pumping heart
So what makes you so special?

We all have our share of problems
And we've all got our dreams
Sometimes we're not sure how to solve them
Sometimes it comes so easily

If you took a look at me
What would come to mind?
Do you think that you could see
The demons that swim my spine?

Of course you couldn't
And if you could, you wouldn't try
And that is just the problem
With the world and I

We see what's on the outside
A book, a house, a letter
We don't care about the inside
Until we know it's better

We are all the same when ripped apart
Just skin and bones and a pumping heart
So what makes you so special?
Oct 2013 · 489
Be back soon, loves
Jamie Horridge Oct 2013
I haven't written anything in over a week. I apologize... mostly to myself, but also to those who support my writing. I'll be back soon. I just need some time. Thank you all so much. I love you guys.


I hope your hearts are feeling much better than mine. Mine will be under construction for a while.

Peace and love to all.
Oct 2013 · 473
Rest in peace, Daddy
Jamie Horridge Oct 2013
I have so much on my mind tonight. So many words that I know would not come out right.
Oct 2013 · 2.0k
Untitled
Jamie Horridge Oct 2013
You are the last dream I had before I woke up, the one that lingers all day
You are the electrician I've been waiting on that never shows up, the one that doesn't do his job anyway

Will I always have to settle for less than you?
Oct 2013 · 728
Weary Bones
Jamie Horridge Oct 2013
Good morning angel,
how did you sleep?
That's wonderful, darling,
I've not been so lucky

I'd bet you didn't know
Weary bones make painful moans
Eyelids are not what they like me to see
And just when I thought they were gone,
I found them inside of me
Those weary bones had bought me a perfect view of my own
Oh no, angel
My ears perceived another moan
And perceived
And perceived
And perceived
They'll never let me sleep
Let me sleep
Let me sleep
Somebody cut these weary bones out of me
Out of me
Out of me
Jamie Horridge Oct 2013
These demons inside us
They want us to die
We're a lot alike
You and I

I fight death with ink
You fight it with fighting the ability to think
But we both want to die
We're just too strong for suicide
Though we've been close many times

We've got problems
That could eat us alive
We've got monsters
Feeding off our insides
The parts that haven't yet died

Have you thought what it might be like to drown?
A sentence like that could make our mothers' cry
But as demonic as it might sound...
I'm just so happy you want to die
Jamie Horridge Oct 2013
Rings of fire instilled around me
Linking together to create my Olympic Death
It must be a thousand degrees where I am
I've never seen so much smoke without my breath

If I had a cigarette, I'd light it on my hand
To emphasize the heat
I'd take a stroll, with a smoke, through the flames
Walking through hell in my bare feet
Oct 2013 · 3.1k
I found you
Jamie Horridge Oct 2013
You are the sun that never shines
   no one but me knows about you
You are love that always hides
   no one knows they can't live without you
You are the light in the distance
   the one they can't catch on tape
You're what I've found in all that's missing
   I'd be crazy not to think it's fate
Oct 2013 · 1.6k
Summer Love
Jamie Horridge Oct 2013
We spent all summer together.
I slept til noon every day, which now I regret because I realize I could have spent more time with you then I did, but each day I woke up, I woke up to a phonecall with a voicemail to follow it up.
You would say “hey babe, it’s me” because you knew I had your voice memorized.
And even if I hadn’t, I had memorized the pattern we spent our summer following.
You’d call me while I was sleeping and wait til I woke up, and I’d call you before I blinked for the first time that day.
You could never wait for me to get ready, so you’d come and watch me as I picked out my outfit and put on my makeup while you proceeded to tell me each and every day that I never needed it.
But August of that summer, you left.
You went to bootcamp.
I wrote you every single day, multiple times a day.
And you replied when you got the chance, which wasn’t often but understandable.
And even though you are hers now, I keep those 12 letters you wrote me those 10 weeks away from home in a wooden box on top of my dresser because knowing they’re there brings me back to you.
To that summer we were so happy and in love.
That summer you took my heart.
And that same summer you never gave it back.
This is very old, but I just found it and really enjoyed reading it again.
Oct 2013 · 893
A Road I've Traveled
Jamie Horridge Oct 2013
I’ve been down the road you’re going.
You should know there’s only one way home.
It’s a cold, shameful walk, my dear.
Each step made me feel more alone.

You’re searching for a face of understanding.
Well, look around. There’s more than you think.
A new victim; forgotten by the system.
A new victim each time you blink.

I know you’re terrified to let anyone in.
You want to bathe in your own filthy skin.
It’s the least you can do,
After he took away all of you.

But you don’t have to suffer in that skin.
We can get you back from him.
Get back all the things he selfishly stole,
But it starts with you; do you want to feel whole?

Right now there’s monsters tearing you apart.
There’s demons sleeping with you in your bed.
Don’t let those ******* get to your heart.
Let ‘em know, you’ve always been stronger than them.
Oct 2013 · 707
Not the Average Pair
Jamie Horridge Oct 2013
Your craziness calms my stress,
And your smile makes my stomach flutter.
I will always give you my best,
Even if we’re not meant for one another.

I saw you smile today,
And I smiled at the way,
I wanted to kiss your smile.
Wanted to make your time with me,
Worth all the while.

I’m the steamin’ end of Summer,
You’re the fall that came to cool me down.
There’s a tornado comin’ my way.
Baby, can you turn it around?

Just like the seasons,
We’re side to side for some strange reason.
To balance each other out.
Ain’t that what this crave is all about?

To find someone who’s weirdness reflects yours,
What more could we ask for?
This was also written awhile ago for someone I can still call my friend.
Oct 2013 · 571
Complex Mind
Jamie Horridge Oct 2013
I don’t want to come to terms with my mind

I’m scared of what in it I may find

A ticking time bomb

starting at a thousand

Now stuck on one

A rope from what used to be

A carefully twisted knot

ready to come undone

A well that’s run dry

A simple tear from my blue eyes

An empty skull

with no recollection of what used to be

No, don’t make me look

I don’t want to see

I don’t want to know what’s inside of me

The host of a zombie

I am not what I think

Looking in the mirror

A new image with every blink

Even if I wanted to know

What inside of me may grow

It’s impossible for me

To find out what I may be

I’m a multitude of things

My mind's a flashing picture screen
Wrote this awhile ago. Not sure how I feel about it.
Oct 2013 · 581
A New Forecast
Jamie Horridge Oct 2013
There I was

Holding an umbrella on the sunniest of days

Then he came

When he asked me why, I replied, “Just because”

I knew he saw all the pain I contained

And I felt he watched that boy love me then leave

He took my umbrella and told me I didn’t need to stop hiding

I just needed to find a new place for it

I agreed, and he took me in his arms and asked, “How’s this work?”

In that moment I knew why my past love was no longer present

I knew why in his arms I was sheltered from all hurt

It’s not that I think he’s a perfect person

Some days I even put a question to ‘I love you’s’ directed towards him

But without him I’d still be carrying the same umbrella

Wishing the sun would do as I did and hide

Wishing it would rain forever

Now I couldn't care less about the weather

I’ve got something way better
Oct 2013 · 729
I Lied
Jamie Horridge Oct 2013
I told you I tried to **** myself that night,
and I lied.
Not because I wanted the attention,
or needed it.
What I needed was for you to know how real it was.
I lied,
but that doesn't mean I didn't want to.
Oct 2013 · 266
Untitled
Jamie Horridge Oct 2013
Just because you didn't die when you talked to Death that night,
that doesn't make it better, doesn't fill you with life
Just because you did not really leave,
doesn't mean it meant any less to me...

You died in my dreams that night instead of real life,
but that didn't make it any less real when I woke up.
Jamie Horridge Oct 2013
I'm the kind of girl that doesn't put down the sun visor while driving, even though the sun is clearly in my eyes
I'd rather be blinded by the sun than ever miss out on a section of what's been painted over the mountains around me... for me, some days I think.

I think my visions so bad from staring at the sun
It's something I can't help, I swear to you, I've tried
And I don't see how it's an easy task for anyone
To look away from the sun and tell your monsters to hide


If I wrote all the things that I've thought behind the wheel,
Maybe I'd be known for telling people how I feel
Mind in motion, not knowing, giving thought only to the lines on the road
How could the words that I utter be
from anywhere but the truest parts of me?

If I told you I wrote this while sleeping
would it fill it with more meaning?
Would you give it a thought
and think maybe I'm not
as crazy as you think

If I'm sounding pretentious,
allow me to mention,
I haven't slept in three days
And in addition,
I should also mention,
I just do this,
and not to get paid

What do I get
out of throwing a fit
and throwing words on a page
out of rage?
To tell you how I feel
attempting to be real
but how I feel
and what I'm saying
are still not
the same

         I'm a fake
         I'm a fake
         I'm a fake

Do you understand anything I say?

"But you're great!
        You're great!
        You're great!"

Do you even understand anything I say?
Jumped around a bit more with the style of this. No something I normally like to do, but it works for this one and makes perfect sense to me.
Oct 2013 · 800
Don't Leave
Jamie Horridge Oct 2013
I don't want to talk about it but I guess I should, shouldn't I?
I know all the neighbors saw what these four walls couldn't hide
Did they hear his door slam then lock?
Did they hear his gun load and then ****?
Could they hear me begging for him to let me in?
Could they hear his refusal, harsh and thick as sin?
I heard everything

How many times do I have to beg for the same life?
How many miles in this tunnel before we see a light?
We've been fighting for you,
but you're not fighting for us
I know life is ******,
but really, what is the rush?
I want to understand,
help me make you tough
Slow down, daddy
You've been drinking way too much
And not laughing nearly enough
Can you smile, please?
If not for you, for me?

Hospital walls have never been too comforting
They cave in at night when the doctors are sleeping
And the nurses are on break, having a smoke together
You told me things were good and, if I waited, that they'd be getting better
But I've been waiting outside and I think the rain just keeps getting wetter
I've been waiting, and nothing seems to be any better

I've been making this about me, haven't I?
I'm so sorry, please allow me to apologize
I just can't find the right words to save my dad's life,
But I won't stop talking until they come out right
I won't give up on the life that made mine

I love you, daddy
We can do this,
we'll be fine

Just put your hands in mine
I will carry your weight until you're ready
I need you
Don't leave me, daddy
Oct 2013 · 402
Suicidal Family
Jamie Horridge Oct 2013
How many times do I have to talk you down from that ledge before I jump off this one?
If you're gonna load that gun again you might as well put two bullets in
One for me and one for you, and I'll even shoot myself so that you don't have to
Not finishing this right now. Can't.
Oct 2013 · 571
Fuck
Jamie Horridge Oct 2013
I'm a monster with no feelings,
but somehow I still love you.
I can't swim, but I'd build a boat.
Sail to you.
I want to.
I miss you.
I miss you.
Do you hear me?
Will you ever?
I'm screaming louder this time.
Can you hear me any better?
This empty whole,
It aches for you.
This darkness,
It shakes for you.
Tell me, what more can I do for you?
What have I to do to show you what I see?
Every moment awake is a tragedy entirely.
Without you.
This soul,
It takes for you.
This heart,
It breaks for you.
Can you look at this monster and feel compassionate?
At least ******* look at me, *******.
I'm sick of it.
That stare at the ground won't send you to hell any faster.
I ******* love you, what's so ******* hard about that you ******* *******?
These holes, they are here because of your absence and presence.
See you were here before, but notice I said that in past tense.
Now your gone and these holes,
They only ******* get larger.
Tried so hard to fill em with god knows.
But I'm running out of supplements for armor.
**** it.
You hate me,
I hate me.
God knows.
He made me.
He made you.
But I guess God doesn't build passion in twos.
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