I don't remember passing out
The barkeep nudged me twice
I'd been out at least an hour
My drink, it had no ice

He told me I was finished
He said "Boy, you are done"
"You're playing roulette with a pistol"
"With six bullets, not just one"

"There's a taxi on it's way boy"
I took in every word
But in truth, my head was spinning
What he said, I never heard

Way back in the corner
Sat two vultures watching me
The barkeep saw them watching
And he said "Son, the taxi's free"

"There's a cot just off the kitchen"
"If you'd rather stay inside"
"You won't throw up in the taxi"
"It saves me money for the ride"

I nodded I'd accept it
He told me, "good, I hoped you would"
"The way your night is going"
"It just won't end up good"

"You're burning both ends of the candle"
"You're lighting the middle part as well"
"You may think you're off to heaven"
"Drink like this, you'll end in hell"

He said "out back there is another"
"Fought the bottle, fought it hard"
"He was lost, but came back stronger"
"He's doing well, but he is scarred"

"Tomorrow, you'll eat breakfast"
"Go out back, and talk a bit"
"Now, off to bed directly"
"I need to think a bit, and sit"

I thanked him, though I mumbled
The words were clear inside my head
But, the words that I said to him
Made no sense, so....off to bed

The next morning, over coffee
He told me, "I've watched you every night"
"I've woken you before, you know"
"What you're doing isn't right"

I told him of my troubles
He shook his head, and said "so what"
"We all have troubles sometime"
"We make the best with what we've got"

"You can come here if you want to"
"But, if you drink, I'll cut you off"
"This is your only chance son"
He said the last line, through a cough

He said that after breakfast
After I'd done the washing up
I was to head out to the alley
With fresh coffee, in a cup

He said "out back there"
"You'll find a man with a guitar"
"Give him the fresh coffee"
"He won't come here inside the bar"

I went out in the alley
And there exactly as he said
Sat a man, singing to no one
With a old ball cap on his head

I listened as he sang out
A voice as harsh as glass and sand
Playing guitar in the sunshine
Keeping beat, a one man band

He finished, and he saw me
Smiled as he took the cup
He said, "You don't know me"
"But, I knew you'd look me up"

The Bluesman drank the coffee
Told me to sit and stay a spell
For each minute that I listened
Was one less I was in hell.

The windows broken, shattered in wrath.

The doors marred with holes were fists landed.

The floor tiles hold such sad memories..
such unforgivable, unspeakable things.

The corner of the room where I was beaten.

The bedroom where bruised skin and pain was normal,
the bed flipped over, the cot smashed.

The garden heard the screams of hate.

The living room where the ornaments flew, the tv smashed,
a knife held to my throat.

The front door where I was pinned and battered,
stopped from leaving.

The phone ripped from the socket, no calls for help.

The place in the kitchen were I cowered and
our home was ripped apart.

The kitchen tiles where I was made to scrub the floor on my hands and knees for over an hour, while my head was held down, banging it on the floor...
the day before my daughter was born.

The unforgivable words that broke my heart.

The day I knew I would eventually be killed...
and my children.

But, those days are now over.

And I am glad that they are.


Because today, that same window, it frames the prettiest bunch of daffodils.. and a cat...

The doors now hold the name plates for the happy children who's bedrooms they are.

I have washed that floor more than a thousand times and slowly,
it becomes clean.

That corner of the room holds a beautiful bookshelf with scented candles, flowers, my favourite reads piled high.

That bedroom is no longer mine.

The garden blooms with flowers and the grass grows, it is the place where I think the best. Where the birds feed, where our two bee hotels might need an extension...

The living room is my favourite place, such bright colours adorn the walls. Filled with art, music, books, more cats and the occasional dog..

The front door is where we leave for work and come home,
tired but happy. I have my own key.

The phone and number replaced, for when I call my friends and family. For when my children call home.

The kitchen floor, wood covers those scars, the floor will always be ***** no matter how much I scrub. My daughter is 14 and happy.

I cannot yet forget nor forgive the hateful words.

Everyday I know I was right to leave.

We are here...

We are happy and have begun to heal.

And so has our home.

My walls are crumbling,
My world shakes,
And Shatters in shards;
The stones they fall,
Raining down on my dreams,
As I find my throat and scream.

I thought of you today,
Of how you hurt me,
Of how I left you.
The days we loved,
And when I cried;
The days we stayed away,
*When I could finally find my smile...

I guess I never noticed
The loneliness in her eyes
A burning blue fire
That burned her insides
Is there anything to save her?
Maybe,
But it's up to her to decide.
Does she want to live,
Or does she want to die?

Not a poem. Not my regular thing that is months behind what I am currently working. I am emotionally exhausted.  As much as I would like my faith in humanity is **** near non-existent. If everyone who claimed they were revolutionary or non-conformist actually were things might be better. People run off at the mouth how if in such and such a situation they would not follow the crowed. they say they just haven't been tested. However, every day is a test. Every potential act of kindness is an act of defiant against the status quo. 99% people fail to even meet the basic standards of being a half decent human being. It is what obsesses me, possess me to write frequently. I am physically and emotionally tired. I am angry at the world for the cruelty. I am jealous to a certain degree of those who succeed in the system at the expense of others, while I struggle for the scraps. I do not want to be rich, I just wish to be recognized and understood. I want to feel like I am not fighting a monster that is not only beating me but getting bigger.