Is this a poem? Not in the true form of poetry I'd say. Is it straight from my heart, raw emotion and deafening heartbreak like most poems express? Yes. Beyond that. I've been hurt, lied to, cheated on, abandoned, abused and been left crying alone in the dust several times over my life. But when part of you knows the person who's breaking your heart doesn't and didn't deserve you and that even though you're afraid to be alone, it's a blessing that they're leaving you behind... The heart break isn't so traumatic. It's the adjustment to be alone again that is the real struggle. Eventually with each of these people that broke my heart at one point, I realized I was never in love with them. I was never comfortable in my own skin with them and I too had one foot out the door. But when you meet someone and you just click. Nothing has to be forced. Things aren't awkward and the relationship has a momentum all its own. It's different. It's easy. There's room to breathe and just relax. When you can be100% yourself with no judgement but still keep things real and call each on the others ******* and it doesn't end in bloodshed and you grow closer... That's something entirely different. When you can talk for hours or sit in silence. Have amazing *** but also just lay next to each intimately without getting physical. When you fight but can't stay mad. When you tell each other everything. When you realize you found a best friend and a lover too. When hearing their name brightens your face, when everyone around you sees it too. When you get to the day you're wondering where the **** has this person been all my life and then you realize when you're laying besides them that "I love you" is constantly on the tip of your tongue... That's when you know it's different. It's real and even when it's difficult you still want it and don't go wandering to see where the grass might be greener... When they do something outta the blue that rocks your world so hard, and the anxiety takes over because if you lose this, if it dies an unnatural death.. It'll devastate you. Unravel you. And even though part of you is so mad, angry and feeling betrayed and a little stupid, you're silently hoping they'll say anything to take back what they've done. Explain it so not only can you understand but also forgive. When you just are dying to see the sorrow, regret and remorse in their eyes because it just can't end here. Not like this. Not when everything has just been falling into place with no extra effort. When it's to the point you've become a pair, a team a unit. When it's 4am and you can't stop checking your phone. When you realize it could potentially end before you ever got to tell them you loved them because you just barely figured it out yourself... When forgiving and moving forward means more than being angry and right... That's when you know you're life isn't complete without them. And that's when you know.. And you just want them to know. And you're on your knees praying you haven't been tricked. That this moment won't actually define who they are and destroy who you thought you knew. When you are dying to say " I hate you so ******* much right now! How could you treat me this way?! How could you be all the things you swore you weren't?! And how come I don't hate you at all?!!!" How come I don't hate you...

I love you

If you didn't want to hangout with me, why didn't you say so? Why did you say you were picking me up at work? And then why did you tell me to relax that you were def coming? Just to then ignore all my calls and texts? It makes no sense whatsoever to me. You say no freely all the time to me. And then you get **** through ken who I thought you hated, didn't trust and talk **** about me to him? Over some **** I thought we squashed awhile ago? Did you tell him to call me to tell me he'd seen you? Was today all some big plan that I just really don't understand at all?? I mean you knew if you told me you were coming that I was going to be wondering where you were and ****, so why do that if you had no intentions of coming through? You're last message to me was " I'm def coming through. Relax" then you fell off the face of the earth and ken starts hitting me up. Why go through all this trouble just to ******* off and hurt me when you could've simply not hit me back to tell me you were picking me up at work? And then after that, why didn't you just tell me "something came up so I can't come" instead of promising you were coming? I've been in tears almost all night. Does that mean anything to you???


I do everything and anything you ask or say you need without a second thought. Even if it ends up ****** me over. But I always have your back because I care and I don't want to see you suffer so if I can help I will even if I have to go without.. Even when you don't get me back when you say you will, if you ask me for something else I give it to you. Because I thought we had a mutual bond where we both looked out for each other. That's how things were as of Wednesday when I got money and you needed XYZ. ****, you don't even really ask anymore, you just assume I'll take care of you. But I liked that! But also because I thought it went both ways..I rarely even ever ask you to get me back unless I'm in a tight spot cause I don't care that much... I mean nothing you've done or said indicated you were truly feeling hate towards me like tonight. I'm not trying to call you a liar but has everything been a huge lie a ****** big joke? Have I been that ******* blind? Do you really feel some type of way to act and pretend how you feel about me and **** cause it'd be worth it to fake it to destroy me at some point? I literally cried my eyes out over you tonight because I thought we were past the disappearing acts, the saying you're coming and then never showing up.. I thought over the past few weeks we'd gotten closer. I mean do you really come over my house and play uno and **** for hours to fool me so you can do something ****** that takes me by surprise to really hurt my feelings? I'm ****** up over this. I'm extremely fuckex up in general.. Trying to push it as far as I can at this point.. If you don't care you coulda told me so long ago...

There was no reason to go to the extremes you went to tonight to hurt me to make a point. What point, idk... That you don't care? Hate me? Wanted to see me suffer an enormous amount? Get blown off, talked about, tricked and robbed? I've never even done anything intentional to hurt you once, where did this come from? Now I'm a mess, ****** up my hearts racing, I've already had a panic attack. I can't sleep and I thought just maybe you'd explain anything at some point. Even if some *******, I know you had to seen my messages especially after ken got involved and I might seem crazy but what just happened to me and someone saying you set me up, how could I not be hysterical?? You don't have to throw the boyfriend girlfriend thing at me either cause that's not relevant. You don't treat someone how you treated me tonight that you say you're friends with tight with In many ways, do everything with, just bonded like I thought we were. I guess what is really getting me is I was just telling someone tonight how great you are and how you treat me better then any guy I've been with in any type of relationship with. That I can be myself and that you're true to my face and behind my back.. How's that for irony??? Or a knife to the chest. I know I won't sleep tonight but I will find a way to not continue to pour my heart out and cry if this is just reality now and you just couldn't possibly care less

Oh **** I forgot one of the biggest things ken told me, That YOU WERE WITH SOME CHICK! And that's one of the things you swore you'd always be honest about, that you prided yourself on not be a cheater or scumbag like that of any kind.. And I believed you.. Even of my moments of severe paranoia jealous and worry, I believed deep down that's not the kinda guy you were and you'd never want to hurt someone the way you were hurt like that.. And when he told me that, that's what convinced me to go down there and waste money and have to deal with him even though I can't ****** stand him. He said you'd just been there with her talking **** about me and I thought, maybe they're still there and I can see with my own eyes, or maybe when I see ken in person I'll know he's lying.. But I didn't get a chance because he stole my money and ran.. Then said you told him to do it with the one response I managed to get. All that was like being punched in the gut repeatedly and I got to walk through kp crying while drug dealers asked if I ****** ****.. How true it is when you say I'm so gullible and naive. I feel so stupid like such a huge horrible joke.

Sometimes the heart breaks in funny ways
It doesn't shatter completely but a piece breaks off that you needed
That you counted on to feel happy or content or full
And once it breaks off, and you see it slowly fall, all you can do is shake your head in disbelief and wipe away those silent steady tears
Whatever happened
Whatever made it split and fall to pieces at your feet is something you didn't expect
Something you refused to believe could happen
Trust starts to crumble
Doubts flood your mind
And it's so confusing because your hearts not totally broken
But you're not sure if you can keep living the same way without that piece
Thoughts you've never had enter your mind
Obvious answers plague you
Would it just be better if it broke into so many pieces I couldn't even remember the one that's hurting so badly right now?
Or is there a chance it can be mended back, and even if just put back together with a band aid the wound will start to heal?
Is it worth the risk? To step over it and try to find a way to put it back together?
Or should I stare at the broken piece until I let the rest of my heart understand exactly just what that means...
The heart breaks in funny ways
But I don't hear any laughter
I don't hear anything at all...

If I were to lay down here
So quietly that the silence became deafening
That the cold became freezing
The hunger became starving
The air became thin...

Would you just let me lay here until the end?

I don't understand my life
According to the quote "rock bottom"
I've hit it
But I don't feel the bottom under my feet
I'm still falling
And I grasp for any ledge I can as I fall
But they crumble as soon as my feet touch
Or I kick my feet from underneath me because I'm only comfortable during chaos
As if the excitement of falling is what I seek
It doesn't make any sense to me
And no matter how hard I try to stand, my legs wobble and I slip
I'm not satisfied with my life
But, I don't know how to change
So I guess I'll just keep falling
And falling
Wondering what lies beneath

It's 2am and I'm sitting here thinking bout you, wondering where ya are, what you're doin.. It's stupid. And idk think you're constantly thinking about me when I'm not around or wondering what I'm doing when I don't answer the phone for days.. I'm too attached to you and from my experience the person who's more attached always gets hurt in the end.. I gotta figure out a way to distance myself a lil bit but I say that a million times a day and I can't follow through....I can't want you around all the time. Even if we were officially dating that wouldn't be healthy.. Idk what I'm gonna do but I gotta do something.. I just gotta

The gravitational force that keeps me orbiting around you seems to outweigh my will to walk away.
I don't even want to walk away
I get choked up just at the thought of you finally believing me when I tell you "I'm done."
We play tug of war with each other
Constantly pushing the other well past their limits knowingly and neither one of us knows what we're gonna do when one of us finally gives.
This conversation we've had a 1000 times but we never come to a solution
Do you obsess over this like I do?
Am I just going crazy with all this? Tell me if I'm reading into things that aren't there? Am I hearing words that you aren't saying? Or twisting the ones that you are saying?
****** why do you just shrug with a blank stare?
Are you just tolerating all this?? Am I falling and falling into purgatory?
Oh my god, here I go again! 3:11am and I am wondering and hoping if that blocked missed call was you.. Chewing on my finger nails hoping you'll or whoever will call back.. Curiosity is a *****.. Constant questions make me feel insane. Do you think I'm insane? Are you just as crazy? Or are you just as attached as I am but can hide it like a champ??

I'm not even tired but I'm talking to myself.. Having a conversation alone trying to answer for you. No answer ever really satisfies me because good or bad I argue it and try to disprove it..
Oh, do I ever need to back off and fall back.. Fall quietly back so you won't notice enough to a argue with me to stop. You always say stop. Just stop. Stop what?

Stop what???