Note: I wanted to be able to read this almost in the voice of either Shaggy from ******-Do or like a really nervous like, crazy kind of guy in a group session. So hopefully if you can imagine any of those voices while reading this then it'll make it even better.

Hello, my name's Paul Lauer. This is my first group kind of session so I guess I'll start off by saying I have an addiction ! I can't stop doing it, no matter where I go. In my room, in the shower, in the woods, in my therapist bathroom like four year ago before it was my turn to have my thoughts dissected. I feel so ***** admitting it but I think it's time I washed my hands of this when I say: I love to daydream.

   I know, some of you may or may not be shocked. It's almost obvious to the ones who see through my facade of a confident white teenager. For starters my shaky left hand, constantly gripping my sturdy, hard pen while I put thoughts onto paper. Each word sloppier the faster I write, ink spewing itself then drying awkwardly on my pinky cause lefties drag when they write.

   The more I think the greater intensity the daydream is. It's like I'm in the fantasy itself. Don't get me wrong though, I like romance just as much as the next person does. But there's just something about spontaneous daydreaming that gets me so heated, I can feel my blood pumping faster throughout my body it feels like I might pass out from exhaustion.

   I feel so ashamed but when I whip my imagination out in public I just can't stop. I have to see through it to the very bitter tasting end. Does the warrior save his girlfriend from the onslaught of giant evil robots trying to crush them? I don't know, but what I do know is that I love to use my imagination while I daydream.

Especially in public.

The first time I saw you, you were eating candy
Which is ironic because you couldn't have been less sweet
The more I think about it,
The more I realize that you must have been eating sour patch kids
First they're sour
Then they're sweet
Then you so full of regret because you knew it wasn't good for you

The first time I talked to you, you told me I was beautiful
Which was pointless because clearly I wasn't as beautiful as her
I noticed you had an every-changing taste in candy
You must have also had an ever-changing taste in girls

You must have been full of jaw-breakers when I kissed you
Because you made mouth ache
Or maybe it was from the endless yelling
Nights I flossed with cotton candy
Wishing it would cause my teeth to rot and fall out
So I never had to speak to you again

But the truth is you were my candy
Rotting me from the inside out
And yet I thought you were so sweet
How could something so delicious be so bad for you?

You're still my guilty pleasure
I still sneak down at midnight to have a taste of you
You still melt in my mouth
Spreading addicting poison through my body
Giving me a sugar high
Making me think everything is sweet
Then letting me crash

You let me crash

Just like a candy man, you make me sick if I have too much

the world sits on the tips of peoples tongues
one day someone might talk a little too fast
and it will fall off
but until then we will be content to look for it in others eyes that we might happen to see while walking down a sidewalk

this is what searching for love is

we all hope to catch a glimpse of the world between cracked fingers
or within the echoes of thoughts we pick up from crowds
but I believe the best way to find love is to wait
wait on the edge of the room
wait between the silences
wait until the night has broken
eventually you will find the world rolling across the floor
with a mouth wide open
and eyes
shut

I don't know how to tell you,
I don't want to disappoint you
I'm depressed Mom
I wish I could say it to your face
Instead of writing it down
I want to be able to tell you
Because
I'm sick of these voices
Inside of my head
Telling me how fat I look
Or how I'm annoying everyone I talk too
But I try to be happy for you
I smile but do you look me in the eyes?
Can't you tell that there's a war going on in my mind?
I know you see my scars
But you don't say anything
why?
I'm slowly killing myself
And I try showing you signs
So when I'm gone
Don't hate me because I didn't tell you
I just loved you too much
To say it out loud

I should hate you
I should want to burn every single picture of us
into flames and laugh about it
I should be able to listen to a love song
and not think of you
but I can't

I should be able to be with another boy
and kiss him and hold his hand
and not think of you anymore
and how we used to hold hands
without either of us realizing it
and it just happening

but the truth is
I can't hate you
because no matter what I do or where I go
or what I listen to
you're the one that has my heart
and even though you broke it
I still love you with all the pieces