If the highs have me soaring, but the lows feel like a nose dive into rock, is it even worth it?

To the boy I fell in love with,

When I came up with the idea to write you this I didn't realize how hard it could be to begin, as I have so many thoughts and as we both know I'm not very organized in my thinking.

I guess I should probably start with the obvious, I miss you. If I didn't I wouldn't keep writing about you like this. I miss stupid little things, like goofy overtired conversations and the way sitting too close made my arms itch if I was wearing short sleeves. I even miss the things I often hated like League of Legends, and you screaming at your friend when I was trying to sleep, and the way your room was always too warm to actually be comfortable.

I guess the second thing would probably be that I'm sorry... For everything. I'm sorry I hurt you and that I never realized how hard it was on you to constantly have to worry about me. I'm sorry I never left my comfort zone enough to keep you interested, and most importantly I'm sorry I was never able to find a way to convince you not to go.

And the third would be thank you. You showed me what it is like to feel love and loss and everything in between. You made me finally feel happy enough to want to live my life to the fullest. You showed me parts of myself I didn't even know existed. You changed my life for the better and even though you are gone and moving on from me, I will always be grateful that we crossed paths.

To my first love,

I hope that you are doing okay. I know you've had some ups and downs in the past few months, and please remember that I am just a phone call away and always will be. I know its really hard for you to ask for help, but if you ever just want someone to sit with you in silence, or take out as a distraction or anything else please don't hesitate to call on me because I won't hesitate to come.  

I also hope you are eating, watching you shrink before my eyes kind of says otherwise, but still I hope you are staying healthy(ish).

Equally importantly, I hope you are happy, and I mean truly happy in your life. I hope you fall in love with someone who deserves the love you are capable of giving, love that not even I was worthy of receiving.

To the boy my family also ended up falling in love with,

My mom still asks about you. She still tells me "I always liked that boy, and I know you don't go backwards but he may be worthy of an exception to the rule." That is pretty much her way of telling me she misses you.

To the boy I thought I could replace,

I couldn't.

To the boy I wish I could move past,

I can't.

To the boy who has moved past me,

I'm happy for you, I wish you the best, and I'm glad we are at the very least friends still.

So, to the boy I fell in love with,

Know that despite my best efforts I never fell back out of love with you, and am starting to doubt that I ever truly will.

Of the last 24 months I've known you these past 9 have been the longest and hardest of them all

To anyone who ends falling in love with me:

If I could have a sign in front me at all times it would read “warning now entering dangerous territory. Turn back now” in bright red lettering. It may even have a ****** hand print just for added dramatics. You should not ignore this sign. However if you are interested in me you probably are going to elect to disregard this very obvious warning so these are some things you may want to know going in to this;

If you have ever come across a road block you may understand what it is like to fall in love with me already. It is frustrating, and will ruin your day, and you will most likely end up having to take alternate routes and a little extra time just to get to know me past a surface level.

I will never apologize for who I am as I am aware of it already, I know my faults as well as my strengths and I embrace them whole heartedly.

I am like brick wall behind another brick wall behind a titanium door. Which roughly translates to I am stubborn as hell and don’t plan to change that.

My tongue is smooth and sweet like honey, I can sway you, change you, make you, or mold you with just a few words that will taste like a spoon full of sugar but burn like cheap ***** and regret.

My family will always come first, end of story.

You will find yourself asking questions constantly, you will wonder what I’m thinking and you may find the courage to ask but know that you will find that you leave with more question than you started with and no real answers.

Know that my tongue may be sweet and soft but it is also sharp and can hurt you, it can leave you tattered pieces of a man before you even know it.

I don’t open up easily, I am a safe with a lost combination. I am like that book from Harry Potter that attacks him when he tries to open it. It will take blood sweat and tears to make me tell you anything about who I really am.

You will wonder why I love sunlight so much and you should know that it is because I am cold, skin like ice and the heart to match. But if I am the arctic, you must be global warming. However in our case I’d like to think that global warming is less about killing innocent animals and more about melting the ice to find something new, undiscovered, something from before your time.

And I’m sorry that falling for me isn’t easy, in fact its next to impossible, but I will be even more sorry to see you give up. Because you will never find another girl like me, you won’t find anyone as exasperating as me, or as ridiculous as me, but you also won’t find anyone who will make you feel the way I do, you won’t find someone who will love you like I will.

And if you STILL aren’t listening to the **** sign tear it down, make a new one, write your name in bold and underline it, trespass and find out that you life is about it change.

I tried to be your inspiration.
I left.
You left.
And so did your poetry.

Losing you was like losing a part of me I will never get back.

It felt like someone had died and taken me with them, but instead of eternal sleep I was constantly awake. After I lost you I went days with out sleeping, I lost count after a while of how many hours I spent wishing you would come back to me.

Seeing you in the hallway, in class, in my dreams was like seeing a ghost haunting me day and night.

Watching as you slowly drifted further and further out to sea made me feel like I was the one drowning.

Hearing your name made my heart pound, no longer with excitement, but with longing. My heartstrings no longer played a peaceful melody but a poor arrangement of dissonant notes played on a broken harp.

Telling myself I didn't love you anymore burned like the cheap ***** I tried to erase you with.

I tried so hard to forget or replace you. I found someone who told me all the things you used to say, but it wasn't the same.

I still think I see your ghost sometimes, laughing with our friends or playing your guitar, and each time my heart skips a beat thinking maybe you've come back but I know that isn't how this works, and I know your ghost is really just the smoke of a bridge I never meant to burn.

To the girl who can't let it go,

I'm sorry. No, not for lying, or deceiving you, because I never did. But I'm sorry that you can't let go. Let go of your anger, your hate, your resentment. I'm sorry that seeing me happy makes you so **** mad.  I'm sorry that you aren't willing to listen to my side of the story before judging my actions. I'm sorry that I feel like I have to be writing this poem just to try to reach you. I'm sorry you can't find forgiveness in your heart, because honestly, I have been like you, I have been filled with hatred, and resentment for another person. I know how to feels to not be able to let go of those emotions. And I can tell you that it is a ****** way to live your life. But I understand it is not easy to overcome those feelings, and I know it takes time. So until then, be mad at me, hate me, tell everyone about how I stole him away from you, and how I lied.  Call me a liar, call me a *****. Make me your (metaphorical) punching bag. I will understand. But know this, I will still be here when you find the strength to admit you have held on to your ill-will towards me for too long. I will be here willing to make peace.  I will be here when the smoke clears. Until then, however, I will be here in the distance, waiting for the day to come when you finally decide to let go of your negativity.

Sincerely,
The one who is waving a white flag