i was fifteen; disoriented; drunk on shame and a little *****
violated; infringed upon me like a school yard bully
waiting to pounce upon his young victim
i was dressed in white, a pure vacancy
with every drink i was unknowingly inviting the lion
making a bitter den for his carnal disposition-resentment
a secret-i never promised to keep it
we share blood! a casualty, unforgivably forgotten

i wasn't able to bear the weight of his words any longer
needed to relieve the tension building up in my somber, fragile, bones
my apprentice was a slender, silver blade
and i unlocked the beasts' crate-allowed him to flow through the wound
like rain-underneath the bright streetlight on a december evening
looking for anything to help me forget

but the beast i set free, the beast was me!
with that final laceration i desperately looked for the thread
the thread that could stitch my hand back onto wrist
but time became syrup-slowing and sticky
and the moon shone on my left limb, wrongful display
i reach for my pulse. drowning in the cold

in my note-i should have apologized to the maid
for having to clean up
all my pain

I was in a psychiatric hospital when I was 17, I swallowed a bottle of pills
I get there, I realize, i'm the least ****** up one
I'm the loser, at the mental hospital
          (Or are we all equally ******? Do we have the same manifestation, the same disease?)

Destruction's the name of the game, and here, we all seem to be winning

Beth cries all day because she thinks her mothers dead
     although she calls her every morning and before bed
Destiny kicked her mom unconscious, she's only ten
      who knows what her destiny will become
Ryan is eight, he crashed the car, broke the windows, lit a match

And Ariel is only fourteen, but this is the fifth time she's been in here!
  She swallowed a bottle of pills, five times.
      Her liver, is it stable?
        (She got out three days after me, overdosed again. This time it was fatal.)

And Alex took a gun to his head. Almost pulled the trigger.
       Jenna cooked a little too much, shot the needle to far in her dying vein

It seems like suicides the latest trend
Everyone wants a taste
Of the crazy, the ******; the broken

We're like animals in a zoo, the doctors stop and stare
          Examining our behavior, researching warped minds

But we're not animals, your pills cannot cure us!
      Mother, why don't you hold my hand anymore? Are you afraid i'll grasp too tight?
  Afraid you'll let go too soon?

I have borderline personality disorder. My doctor told me. I take pills
They **** me up, I don't know who I was before them
But I wish i could meet her
         Wish i could see the things she sees, know once again what it's like to feel overwhelmed
With happiness. sadness. Anything really would be nice.

         When my grandmother died, I didn't cry.
I didn't have sorrow.
I don't have the same empathy I used to
       But all my parents see is that I don't have the same pain I used to
They think i'm better
I'm not better i'm just numb!

All the pills in the world couldn't heal my yearn for destruction
Of anything really, preferably myself

I am attracted to cigarettes. Drugs. *****, bones. ***.
   Flowers don't suit my needs, unless they can be crushed and snorted
Butterfly's are ******, they don't even bleed red!
     And my medication can't make me happy, if it doesn't make me high!

My head has become hell a razor the only release.
   It helps me feel. Helps me know I'm real.

I know it's all in my head.
I know this thirst for danger is artificial
  Because when I faced death, I saw his face.
I looked him in the eyes
And i called for my mother told her I've done something terrible!

    I backed down to what I've always wanted and that's how I know
My pain  is not real

Crawling away in the midst of the night
The heat of her mothers hand still rests desperately upon her cheek
Lonely, but never alone
He watches from afar, the perfect crime. a perfect victim.
Defenseless, vulnerable.
“I care, i do. Let me help.”

She cries unto the comfort of a predator
Unaware of the hazards; of what he brings upon
Girls like her

She trusts him, she trusts him, dear god, she trusts him
She blissfully climbs into his truck
Infatuated with his eyes. Oh, how his eyes invite her
To a game she knows not of
His game. Dragging her through the hallway.
Screaming, screaming, dear god, what has she done!
Blood trickling from her nails, clawing at the door
Oh, what she wouldn't give for the  
Fever her mother, she beats her.

“Help, dear god, help!”
Oh, but nobody can hear
Nobody is listening
God
Is not listening
To the cry of a young girls
Misery

They fall and fall and fall
The ignorance of the petals
Unaware;
       Of war
        Of pain

They don't have a father in Afghanistan; a father that was buried under the flames
   Or a house, blown away with the sea
      Haven't heard the screaming of their mothers; seeing their dead, ******, brother
         They haven't come face to face with true pain
    Their mother wasn't shot by an Iraqi in the desert
Their sister never forced into slavery for ***
Never has their eyelids been peeled off-to witness the **** of their little sister
They are so innocent and the beauty of their veil is tearfully sublime


    They repeat the melody in their heads
The harmony of Venus-shining bright
        Surrounded by stars
         Surrounded by pure
                          Vast
   Empty

Our love was beautifully vapid
The evanescence of it; pure misery
But I could not stop to wait for you
Because you were a ******-the most innocent of the pure
And corruption trickled out my veins
                            it was melted wax



I saw you-holding the unlit cigarette to your mouth-never inhaling
but the temptation
it empaled you like a thorn
Your parents. Your highly respected reputation, will you burn it?
Will you **** her?
Will you **** me?

Can you withstand the allure of the forbidden fruit?


Salvation; you want to be saved
                 You want **** the lust that veils you
And I want to preserve it
But it slips from my grip like a drunken bottle of whiskey

And you return to your savaging chasteness
And I can no longer wait for the day your loosened morals
   Protrude like a needle