It’s too much
Too much to think
To write
To dive
Not yet
I’m not ready
To dive
To think
I wasn’t then and I’m not now

I cry harder and harder and harder thinking that each tear
Will rid my brain of these memories 

Drain them
Erase them
Piece by piece
It’s too much
To dive
To start again
This endless cycle
This **** endless cycle
Take them all away dear God I scream
It’s too hard to think
To feel
To think
To dive
To feel
To reminisce

The only thing my body can do is tire itself by trying to release a pain that my heart
My heart
My tired heart will always hold onto

You are an open wound in my soul that will never heal

Each thought of you spills more alcohol into the depths of this ****

You are the lesson I learned
The one that stuck 

Dear God I scream
Dear God let me not have a daughter
I could not bear to watch her die and dive and fall and crash
Slowly and all at once thinking it’s fate and love and heaven and hope 
And everything and anything in between

Dear god I’m too tired
Too broken
I’ve lost my voice
Screaming
Breaking

You haunt my heart
My mind, heart, and soul
Because you will always be the one who broke me.
----

Everything moves slower underwater
Have you ever noticed?

Limbs floating aimlessly
Gliding through the current
Each strand of hair suspended
Frozen
Following the tug of your scalp

No matter how fast you dance with the waves
Time stands still
Keeping you under
Hypnotizing you
Romanticizing your every motion

You’re so bewitched
It’s too late to notice you’re drowning.
----

Every day with you felt like summer
But we all forgot August is hurricane season.
----

Pieces shattered on the ground surround me
Not glass
Not scraps
Not microscopic fragments
Because then I would have walked away
What would have been the use?

Left to become dust 
Forgotten
Swept away

But no
These broken pieces were sturdy
Strong
Or so I thought

Each time I thought I had collected all the pieces in my arms
One would appear
Out of the blue

The final remnant
Let me collect this
Then I could be whole again

Only, this heavy piece sent
The pile I had been cradling
Crashing to the ground

And so, I start again
Collecting
One by one
As if nothing had ever happened.
----

I wanted you
I needed you
I used you and you used me
Because I’m a cheap trick who keeps pressing repeat
When I should just find a new song.
----

You were the sweet poison infecting my veins
But I didn’t care.
----

You broke my heart
We broke the bed
One support at a time
But it all came crashing down eventually.
----

On again
Off again
On again
Off again
I flipped a switch
The same switch
The same room

Up
Down
On
Off

As if something else would happen
Anything else
Something
Anything
Please

But all we were was 
On again
Off again.
----