I'm sick of these endless nights face down in pools of sweat
And waking up only to have my head full of regret
I had to check my phone to made sure I hit "send"
And to no surprise, there's no reply again

It happened again, I placed my bets
You know I was all in
A promise of escape from the way things had always been
So why am I lower than where I have began?

What am I hoping for, if it's not you?
I've spent all of my time and money
Trying to find something to distract me

I'm over starving myself just to feel some type of control
And doing trifle things just to fit the mold
So why stop now when I still have some control?
I just want something to make me whole
Don't leave me standing out here in the cold

The pain always comes back in the morning
Again, I'm living just trying to ignore it

I know I've been a gone for a while
But I heard that you're doing just fine
You graduated and got a job and you've been working for some time
It's good to see you looking forward and not behind
I know you never find me crossing your mind
But I would be lying if you didn't cross mine
And from time to time I see some of your pictures online
Summer of 2017 was hard, a time when I put my heart on the line
I tried to forget you and that took a couple months of my time
It looks like you found the love that I was hoping to find
The only you that I love is the one that I create in my mind
You'll never be mine and I know that
But remember the time I came to see you?
I thought it would just be you, but there were a few other people
I know there never was a "We", so there would never be a sequel
I know you were bluffing when you said you cared
Our only real connection were the memories that we shared
I would never try to blame you, I know that much isn’t fair
Not that you care but the stress is really starting to wear
And through these words is when I took our story and I used it
I'm gifted with the curse of honesty and the truth is,
I loved you more than words I just didn't know how to prove it
And I often ask myself if you ever did care
I ponder countless thoughts that's why in my mind is the only time you were ever there
I know we were only friends, but it felt more than just pretend
These past few months have been awfully clear
The real us is what I fear to see
The one where we were only friends and I acted like we were dating
And nowadays our messages go, "Hey, happy something~belated"
And every letter I wrote for you
Deep inside I know you actually hate them
Because I realized that you never felt the same when you read it
You never cared on how much I put into it
But I guess that's why I'm so emasculated
All the love that I've been getting through my phone feels phony
I try to rhyme a couple of words together
To put myself out there so you could understand me
We're in a world full of people and yet I'm still feeling lonely
I lie to myself that there's plenty of fish in the sea
But the sea is full of sharks and you’re the only one for me
And as I'm finding myself drowning while I'm fighting to breathe
I realize that I'm still in love with what I thought we could’ve been

I swear that I've been praying for a better day
But everyday I swear it feels like it's getting worse
I'm losing everybody slowly and it's causing me pain
Maybe the afterlife would be better than this Earth?
Depression is killing me up inside
I'm all alone and I'm feeling so useless
My friends told me I've been acting so stupid
But they don't know how I've been really doing
It's not easy when you have nothing and have nobody
So if I take my life no one else would care about it
Been contemplating for a while to pull this trigger now
I hope you keep this same energy when I'm going down
You don't even know what I'm going through
I feel like I got nothing else to lose
I don't know what to do, can you help me?
Because I will pull this trigger if you let me
I've been trying hard but I'm only human
And the devil got my soul

Indecisions between a dream and the girl of my dreams
I keep telling myself that there's always better things
You start to neglect what you have and regret it the moment it leaves
For me, it was always the ocean but only one fish in the sea
I know I said a lot of things that you know I didn't mean
My heart got broken so many times and yet I blamed you for everything
And I know it's been a while but I still feel like I'm the only one struggling
I wasn't at all entitled but you made me feel like a king
I'm sorry I tried to change you
You can hate me but I won't blame you
If I told you that I'm different now would you give me back the same you?
I know you deserve better
I know you're moving on as I'm writing this letter
As I'm pretending that I'm fine like I don't want us together
While I've been shoving this loneliness aside like I'm the one doing better
It's all a mask, can't you see that there's a heart with your name?
All you gave me was love but all I gave you was pain

My heart aches on a depressing state
Can't face these lonely nights, I keep staying out way too late
In need of good hands, where the hell are all of my mates?
A stronger heart is just the thing that I lack
I go and start up the engine but I keep hesitating if I should come back
I told myself to do it but now I'm 2 years too late
I'm at a dead end road in life and I can feel the weight
Chasing a so called vision and I don't know where it goes
They say the highway to happiness can be the loneliest road
You know I'm doing the best that I can
Talking about this, doesn't mean you'll ever understand
It's pathetic that my heart is still calling for a girl
Who has got a better man
And yet she told me not to fall for her
But I did so anyways
She told me not to wait for her
But she crossed my mind so I thought of her today
Lately I've been writing these things that I shouldn't say
And I've been feeling the things that I shouldn't feel
But if don't let her know, would all of this be even real?

It's crazy, I barely know you right now
In fact, I don't think we're really friends
Right now my heart's screaming
"Please don't do this again"
I can't keep pretending that I don't feel anything
These feelings, I can't keep them concealed as I'm thinking
To myself, "When will I see her again?"
I know I shouldn't do this
Since my heart's a ******* mess
But you could be the piece that fills the gap that's been left
Because when I look at you, I forget,
That I see a book to be read
And yet I haven't said a single word
I know it's all for the best
Plus, I know you want better
I bite my tongue and think "It's whatever"
The biggest flaw of the heart is, it looks for love to feel better
Nothing's the same, chances I used to abhor
I don't look back to my ex, I know I'm not who she wants anymore
My heart says yes but I never listen
You were the sign I was looking for
But I keep acting like I missed it
We used to be waking up nine to five just to strive
Go to class together at seven in the morning
Besides taking these College credits
You make the journey so worth it
These feelings are worth a thousand words
Somehow I can't word it
I know there's more to find, there's more of you below the surface
The grayest skies will never dim those hazel eyes
The walks I had with you after class made me realize
That I'm not searching for something
I'm running away from the fall
If you ever got to know me
Would you understand me at all?
Temporary affections is all I see around
I've been down and out,
Writing all these feelings before it all goes South
It ***** when these feelings won't just let up
I'm love sick and I'm sick of love
I see no cure to be found
The latest nights is when it really hits me
Realizing that no one ever gets me
I don't know if you're the one
Or if I wan't you to fix me
But I'm done trying to pretend
So let me know who you are
As for the truth, honestly I'm at the end
I keep my head up high looking at you as a start

I can tell you my crimes so let me shoulder your pains
You looked at me funny and said
"Do you know what you're saying?
Jacob this isn't a game
I can't be feeling the same
I told you not to fight for anything there's nothing for you to gain
And now things are harder between us
Because I don't feel anything for you
There was a wall for a reason
Please, stop trying to break through
You told me you love me, and it's been on my mind
I know you're lying every time you tell me you're fine
I met him before I met you
Trusted him before I met you
He's still on my mind even after I met you
But what can I do?
Because I think you're still not getting it
A few months earlier with you and maybe this would be different
Maybe you do really get me,
That's the thing that upsets me
I want him, I'm in your mind
I think it's best you forget me."
Maybe you're right, I think I'll never get it,
Love is making me blind
I picked up the phone and I slammed it down
I realized, who am I to go around ruining the happiness you found?
I went and told my friends, and they told me I'm dumb
I'll be drowning in alcohol until my heart goes numb
Until I can realize I'm ******* done
"You know my heart wants more"
I say that, thinking you wont break it again once more
You can tell me I'm wasting all my time
But I've been looking for all the signs
And I've been finding it in you

I know you feel that no one can ever relate
You had a best friend but your best friend turned out fake
You got used to having nothing more to spend in your bank
And you think no one but your ex when you're drunk
I'm not the type of person to ever judge
But I know you still got feelings for him hidden under the rug
Your dad loves to drink, I guess it runs too, in your blood
But your mom and dad couldn't make it, so you gave up on love
You never seen it for what is was
You didn't have anyone to ask
So you gave it to any guy who was chasing your ***
You don't want to hear it but these are the facts
I was never the one to look back
But everything I see in you is everything that I lack
I lack all the positivity that you have living this up
I lack knowing if there could have ever been "us"
I lack in dealing with the pain and I use you as a clutch
Why do I write letters about a girl who had my heart crushed?
I guess I'm looking for some love inside a one night session
I can't numb this pain I feel with your false affections

Do you spend nights wondering about the all things you could've been?
I barely know you and yet I did all the things I did
I settle in these thoughts, thinking I shouldn't have meddled in
But you gave me a call saying you regret letting me in
It's funny, you're not the only one with a past
You see a smile on my face, and all the green in my grass
Halos and wings is what you think I have
But what you see is an act, everything is a mask
Don't you ever tell me you're too broken for me
I got pieces of broken mirrors I'm never willing to see
I couldn't tell you this the other day, I know you wouldn't believe
But you're perfect for me, there's not a thing you need
But no matter what I tell you, I swear you never listen
All you say is I wouldn't get it
"You don't know me, just forget it"
I know you're brokenhearted with a lot of regrets
I know you've been trying to fix what came to be a mess
Trying to sew together of whatever is left
We're both just two emotional kids trying to feel something again
I wrote you a text but I never got the courage to hit send
It's hard to tell you that I've been through it too
I know when you're trying to be together but ending up breaking as two
You begin believing in someone so much you don't know what to do
To a point you're looking at a mirror, asking yourself, are you really you?
Your insecurities trying to find security
Start giving them a love you never really had like it's a piece of charity
I don't want to hear another promise, I just want you to have some clarity