Goodbye to the friendships I need.
Goodbye to the relationships I craved.
Goodbye to the needless I've greaved.
Welcome me to the other side.

I'm heavy on the backspace. Sometimes it's forever. The things I shouldn't write. Fe3l.

Pour a little bit.
Drink a little more.
Die a little slower
Feel a little less.

I used to think I had something someone wanted.
I was young innocent and not drunk.
I don't have power influence or even money for you honey.
Just this empty soul with no where to be but where I am

You say you don't want to do this anymore.

What you don't know.

Is I don't want this either.
I don't want this empty one sided love.
When what we had felt like so much more.
This constant ***** of feelings I'm fighting against.
I'm all in, been that way for a while now.
Even though you're already half gone.
I've been trying to pull you back in.

Over the egg shells and broken glass
I wont give up just because you push hard.
We always hurt the person closest.
I don't blame you for that!
Just need to remind you.
Why I'm here, Why I love you.

I pulled away hard and cold.
I gave up - I'd never been pushed that hard.
You said you felt it like you never thought you would.
Felt me slipping from your life for real.
Hurt like you never thought you could be.

All that time spent gone in an instant.
All the good moments, the tears and the love.
The closeness you don't get from anyone else.
Everything you thought didn't matter...

I don't know what you felt deep-down inside.
But you couldn't stand me walking out of your life.
Now we're still in this, keeping it going for now.

I know there was love here.
Strong and bonded
I know we could find that again.
I don't know where it evaporated to.
Sometimes I don't have a ******* clue

Where we're going, what we're doing.
Or what its all for.
I know I wont let it slip my grip.
I won't be the one to let it all drop.
I'll try more than anyone who ever sat here before.

I just struggle with this sometimes.
Just find myself sitting there
staring at the wall for hours on end.
I don't get **** done - just have you on my mind.
It drives me crazy coz its not me.

Envious, jealous feelings I don't usually elevate to the surface.
Cool, calm and collected I don't know myself anymore.
I don't like myself right now.
Weak, ugly and dependent.
I don't want to be that way... always and forever.

Just stick it out for a moment longer.
Let me find myself in the anxiety;
the emotional dependency;
the depression and the desperation.

I'll be the man you'd love once more.

I'm unhappy as ****.
I'm an escapist of reality.
I'll gladly waste the next several hours, days, weeks escaping my existence, living outside myself. Removing myself from the pressures of unhappiness.
If only for a string of short lived moments.

What does one do with the awareness of ones subconscious drive. How does one begin to take the steering wheel.

Do I have what it takes to be more than short lived.

Unhappiness occupies my mind in unfocused fragments of thought.
Encumbered by the empty air of loneliness. A lingering vapor of discontent, too viscous to vent.

Deterioration of self I once knew.
Wavering faith that only grew.
The bows and arrows, the childhood dreams.
How distant that tranquility now seems.

2 days to remember your name.
I love that I'm over you and don't feel the pain I once scraped through.
The rough filings of my heart and jagged burrs.
The piece of me I knew as hers.
It's all mine to give yet to someone else.
This amazing me and love myself.

Ocean waves lapping the shore.
Everything faded out leaving only the crash tsssshhhhhh of the waves nullified in the sand.
Drowned in the rhythmic arrangement.

Coconut trees in the distance rubbing leaves like the supporting instruments on this beach orchestra.

And then there was you.
And me.

With only the moon over head.

You disappoint me in so many ways.
So far from everything I ever wanted.
How is it you come to me like candy.
Unwrapped you're only rotten fruit.  
I must be a predictable person.  
Stable and empathetic.
Those around me up and down.  
Vindictive and petty.
All I see are the better option if I were they.
Simple like turn left or turn right.  
Why do people act this way.
And underestimate a valuable connection.
I am valuable.  
I treat you with love and compassion.
Raw and sensitively.
Like the liquid gold flowing through the earthly depths.  
Supporting your every move and fault.
But now you show disinterest and disdain.
I lived for your smile.  
And you bring me pain.  

Many will never appreciate my value.

Somehow I always find myself falling for the ones that are emotionally closed off.  

The too eager and loving are clingy in my mind.  
The frowning stern and cold are the ones that have me noose'd by my heart strings.  

It seems I'm a person who always moves to fill the voids.

I've been caught up abroad.  
Whirlpools of mixed feelings.  
If I think back,
It's always a broad.  

She seems nice and innocent.
Lively and petite.
But men for money she does sleep.

If you've spent some time
You'll know it's hard to judge.
When there are no other options.
I'd do the same - fudge

She has great qualities of those I've seen.
Simple needs and simple desires.  
Which drive a person world's apart.  
Maybe that's it and she's just too far.

We had a culture and a humility
That descended into poverty.
It's much and none.
Desperation and opportunity.

I see the beauty and the pain in the eyes.
Of those victims to this tourist culture.
That has us all losing our morality.
I was a person and now I have a price tag.

Traditions that hold us back as a people
That spiral the young naive and uneducated towards empty hearts.
Forced to partake at the mercy of baht.

We weren't always this way.

There was a time when you could make me fall right back to highschool.
The days of virginity and innocence.
Years between our encounters and you'd always be just beneath my breath.
So juvenile and oblivious to all the ways you'd disappoint.
So attached and forgiving.

I found myself at the end of your plank too many times.
Cannonball at my ankles.
Looking down your blade with the point in my neck.

I'll see you again soon...

I always used to feel.
But now I can't conjure the same devotion.
The image of you has finally muddied and spoiled.

I noticed this transition and felt the change somewhere along the way.
Affirmation that I don't need always live on that plank with my heels hanging off.

I do things and I say things.
I'm far from perfect.
Its clear I care about you.
Because this jealous rage isn't easy.
To hold onto the handles and say the right words.

I went and did it again.
I always do it again.
I don't know why you forgive me.
The way you do.
I just hope you can once more.
I'm trying to do better, to be better.

You'll always be the sun shining through my clouds.
One day I won't just be the bad weather.

When I close my eyes.
I see a hut with a single wall.
The rain.
Crashing down around me.
Mud and water splashing
In every direction.
Rain drumming each and every leaf.
A symphony drowning my ears.
A wind that carries the howling darkness and it's frozen whispers.
A forest full of trees bending to break.
Attempting to escape.
Anywhere but here.

So why am I here?

So I eat the vanilla and strawberry because I know I like those. I leave the chocolate till last but can't figure out if I don't like it as much or like it more.

When the tub of ice cream is empty and I'm spooning the streaks up the side.

I'm still thinking, "would I do it any differently next time?"

On our first date I'm gonna sit on my phone.
Appear uninterested.
Keep asking you to "repeat that".
When you try and get my attention I'll laugh emphatically at something on my phone and show it to you.
Because I'm Gen Y and I don't have a ******* clue.

I was taught
To show affection when it suits me.
To show love when it's manipulative.
And always to keep you down so it feels like I'm floating.
Because I never want to remember how it feels to sink.

Y I don't identify with Gen Y.

I think I've had enough.
Being alone didn't always make me feel lonely.
Someone come and whisk me away if only.

Everything I need is always just out of grasp.
Find that good girl and make it count.
Is that too much to ask.

Because if I ever do find that one of many.
N' my reclusive heart digs it's way out of the ground.
I'll just sit back bewildered at what I found.

What do you write about when you don't quite feel broken.
**** ****, lost my only inspiration.
I can't write for **** when it's not painful and emptying.
Without the feelings of love and sorrow.
These words aren't **** just hollow.

I know I feel lonely these days.
I start to write about it but look.
I get to the end of 3 verses and feel like a crook.

It was meant to be something but it twisted into nothing.
Kinda like this garbage.
Guess that's why they call it art right.
Its ugly and pointless but someone will find inspiration in my emptiness.

I know that's a long shot.
But if its justification I need.
It's all I've got.

Most girls that I've ever encountered.
Hoped, wished and dreamed adored me back.

Have....

Don't sit around wishing and hoping like I have. I'm 25 and full of regretful moments.

Capitalize and seek happiness at every turn.

That dreamy blonde, brunette or completely out of this world girl, didn't look at you for the reason you think.

Don't wait until years later when she's with a dud specimen of a male to have the hindsight I now have.

Am I depressed?

Or am I just the reflection of everyone else.

Feeling as though I've just lost the meaning to it all. A cavity like I had it all grasped so tight and yet... Here I am again in this sludgy bucket of depressed feelings.

It's a hopeless feeling. One like I just lost my sense of purpose. But the most dulling of all is the epiphany that you never had any to start.

It's almost enough to drive a new spark like a drained battery. A momentum, a motivation but only momentarily.

What is it I'm doing here on earth? Where am I heading? Is it enough to just make a goal; a plan to be somewhere. Or maybe just scraping through university. What is it that will without a doubt fill me with life long satisfaction.

Is there anything? Anyone?

I worry about where we are going as people. How we're all just a lost bunch of misfired projectiles. Even those that miraculously slide out of the barrel and experience the updrafts of life always find dirt.

We are just stimulating the illusion of freedom. Inside the prison of each of our own making.

Who's eyes are these,
That sketch me beautiful and slender,
That dip the world a tangerine tint,
That douse me in a moment to remember.

I know it's something you do to me.
Because you've got me feeling this way.
So exclusively.

One kiss, one touch, I was already yours.
Just me and you, on a back road to the unknown.

Hold my hand and never let go.

I've written your name and thought of your spirit on mine.
Now I'm not here I'm not anywhere.
Just an absence of you that continues on.

Like sleeping doesn't feel just alone but endlessly wrong.
I pounded my chest, psyched myself to feel strong.
But it all just comes back...
All I end up with are tears on the screen.

Just these Liquid Crystal Tears.

I know I'd rewind back to then.
Just for one more smile.
Just to hold you for a while.
Because they were microseconds.

And how I see you now.
Is that I don't.
So I'll rewind back to then.
And tell you a day sooner,
How much you mean to me.

Because you left before you got to see.
All of me.

If tomorrow doesn't come.
If the sun rises and recedes.
Along with the moon and the seas.
At least I've lived today.
Though not in the best way.
At least I've lived today.

I wrote a perfect poem once. I scribbled it down on the back of a half used napkin. It wasn't short and is wasn't long. The lipstick laced food marks couldn't taint what was already perfect. There was no love and no sadness in the words. It embodied only emptiness - it's most pure form. Nothing left wanting, no thirst unquenched.

In a moment of clear sight, I knew only the right words were forming. In that moment the half empty bar around me sunk, drowned, imploded and combusted - for all I cared. I had just written a masterpiece.

Today is just one day, everything seems to be harder.

Is it cruel intentions or coincidence.
That forces my hand at this hour.
I've left it late just to cultivate
The supreme and feelings irate.

All the tongues I've held and bitten.
Unravel at once in a fabulous exposé.
All the truthes I've kept and hidden.
Finally rid of their weight.

Take all of my hate.

I've got a devilish need.
That's only satiated by the planet's greed.
Power, real estate and money!
I need them all in a hurry.

I'll **** pillage and sully.
Any mans good fortune for my own.
You won't have any power.
Even when you're full grown.

Because I won the police.
In a poker match among the Rockefeller.
I've taken independence and authority.
Given it a sweet facade.

You'll love the news,
Even you'll be glued.
Stay stunned and stationary.
As we read disingenuously, your obituary.

I could **** up your day.
Just for entering my dreams.
I'm the only one.
That could feel these things.

Because I got under your skin.
In more ways than one.
You were mine for a moment.
While and after your boyfriend.

I don't want to make a habit of this.
But I had what was his.
And now I've got to live with that.
How do you do it?
Like putting on a new hat?

How do you feel?
Immovable like steel.
Stubborn as hell.
With this life you were forced to deal.

I creased these edges.
Folded them delicately.
Taped this box up gently.
For it holds my heart.
And every thought of you,
I can't control.
Stowed away in storage.
For when you're ready.
To know how I truly feel.