Look up, I force my gaze up
I face that unwanted reflection
The hated man, the other half
Still addicted, Dependent on ****
The realization hits again
That I and Him, The same man
Night and Day difference
Pros and Cons I weigh
His motivation beats me to it
It is a sickness and I am sick
Of it of not wanting only to want again
Of being unable to manage
Everyday tasks and hobbies I loved
Creativity seems to visit
When it’s the good ****…
Again, That man before me now
******* this ******* mirror
He knows how badly I hate him,
He feels no where near the same
Content with his poison
But I can see it in his eyes,
He knows that it isn’t right
Will he help me quit this time?

Of you all that remains
30 Seconds
the results of one decision
the foundation erased
turned away, lost
given no way
keep mine cherished
Whittled down few holding
Taken as you turn away
the love is gone
turned away they start blurring
blinking my tears
it replays, floating
Your last few words
These are my few
30 Seconds of You

37 times 37 and still I am alone not right I guess they all reach that conclusion to be honest myself they have valid and ample reason 37 and still no one can ride with start again this time with less less time for living each rotation seems faster the new one that just passed before I know it long white tunnels second only just met myself insecurity manifestation of a man but couldn't see his way out

1.  You are the one that I love wholeheartedly.
2.  I struggle knowing that you are lonely.
3.  I know that when I look at you, I forget to breathe.
4.  If only I could mirror such beauty.

Too late.

You’re a beautiful fighter.
No other angel may compare,
In these eyes,
The one’s You gave me.
No heart have I known,
Bigger, kinder, genuine, gentler
No,… Nor any more unconditional
As is the way that you love.
As is the way of a beautiful fighter.
Mom, the day I found you,
Life having left you only moments prior,
I realized I’d never know another,
Champion already in my eyes,
A hundred times over…
Your strength, your will, your stamina, your devotion
Filled me, trained my body to react,
To fight back, so I tried…
I kissed your mouth and fed you air,..
Begging with encouraging yet pleading
words desperate, needed
Please mom, come back, not yet, I’m not ready…
Your tiny chest, in out of place wonder…
How could such a large heart reside there…
I pushed, I pressed I begged I kissed…
Fearing the worst but inside I knew better…
Because you Mom,
You Are A Beautiful Fighter.
This day you won,
Forever my champion,
I love you mom,
I have never been prouder than of you now,
Thank you for fighting Mom,
You never gave up, and I will never either.

Ruin,..

Loves making places cherished.

Makes minds write of those moments.

(written with help from Silly)

I heard those heavy Steletto footfalls,
So clearly from down beneath.
You walked on the rocky hills,
Of my sole souls surface.

I laid it bare and fragile before you,
Spread too thin, I am such a fool.
After you no birds flew,
No view from my window.
Like the certainty around my shoulders,
the winds of Fall announce the end of summer.

Let us share in this golden shimmer,
and as winds get louder, as they will,
let God know, his justice was served:

She found him and he found her.

But we never found each-other.

Another thought,..  Wonder what it was about?
This night's list goes on, and on, and what was I doing?
Oh, fixing to amaze, engross and... uh,... ADD anybody?
Humor is a weapon used by the first one to usually be hurt.
I've seen it, in the polished wall that has my face, my...
**** it all to somewhere constantly on track, focused, intended,
Thoughts that seed, bud to grow, flower as the motivation makes
use of the ability to foresee its own finalization

After Falling

Oh, after the fall,  A hard landing.

I am different now,

Much more unsure,
Far more unwilling.

Oh, after the fall,  A hard landing,

It changed me.

Much more guarded,
Far too untrusting .

Oh, after the fall,  A hard landing,

Nights aren’t the same,
The moon, it’s once soft light,

Oh, after the fall,

Seem to press down,
Where it hurts me worst.

Oh, after the fall,  A hard landing.
I have fallen,
Survived the landing,

But I’m different now

Much more insecure,
Far, far less willing.

Oh, after the fall

This end i fear is too soon impending,
The word has been given that my only means to Becoming the Saint I've crafted so carefully,  minding the smallest of details sets my art of misleading befriending double talking in another league,  another plane of existence, I'm the flame dancing upon the smoldering coals like yours.

words are tools
some are blind
off guard and unready
caught in unwavering
beautiful green eyes
sunshine smiles
willing they, the fools
visually taken by you
as lovely as you are
barter away my protection
believe the words
spoken from full and practiced lips
as my lust consumes
ability to recognise truth from fiction
what's mine is foreign
apparition of such belied intentions
as lovely as you are
take as few or leave none
interested in pleasing
forgetting my own
cause for you i care too greatly
to doubt the sincerity
care not when you lie
the world is a gift to those
amazing green eyes

The manner of being human
The brilliant ability of self
To silently anguish inwardly
Emotions are unique to each
Love is a fine line to walk
From the best and happiest
To waiting, silently, holding hope
Gambling the time to be living
Waiting, with no guarantee
So hard to change your heart and what it wants harder to change someone else.

Ihave a moment
I think ill write something
A poem maybe, about my world
how it gets crazy,
how much I suffer
just how to save me
I fyou even really want to
until then I wake up every day
to the sounds of my own scream
I don't know why this has to go south
turns out that when i write
it always needs to have negative tones
i guess my muse is a *****
honestly right now I feel fine
done my work, waiting on her
so we can put more ink under the skin
just thought that i'd write....

i did

A face spoke exposing
curled roads rising, rolling
Sweeping in all directions
Gentle shapes misleading
Echoing possible folly
questioning every turn,
disbelief bridging the errors
Yesterday's unremarkables
Left till now neglected, distorted
caustic and uninspired
victimized and untrusting
recognizing silouetted wrongs
made promises and failed at it
this road of folly, rewards, all contrary
to the words that face whispered
to lead one astray, to decieve
to make one face the unwanted.

I miss most of all
Is foolish thinking
Willingly accepting risk
Selfishly denying the all too possible
Believing in the happy ending
Deciding I don't deserve anything less
Offering my very weaknesses for protest
Make up ***,
*** that means something
Forgiveness in troubled folly
The good morning kiss
All the pushing and compromising
Little known confessions of insecurities
The way such beauty makes my ego pleased
But I don't have this...
I only know the last time I was so important
Most of all I miss feeling worthy
Even though I'm not.

Love
Was all it was.

All it is.
When too too often
I
The hardest choice
An awful decision

The reason.

Preface, the time in life
before I ever knew
comprehending these people
Who I was, wasn't, just motions
A whisper of grey shade
In a uniformly ordinary world
Living was to be breathing
No attention, motivation, desire
Just another waste of existence
The day since passed
The pinning moment you befell
Alluring all things for reasons
This is me now, willing, able
Determined and deeply in love
All things have reason, purpose,
Desire in living, seeing a future
All things followed you.

Allow One, to the past
But there they need leave it
One may clarify then.
A word misunderstood?
Deed less than?

One need only live today
though long for what has gone
so long as not lose sight of here and now.
Now is real.  Now is precious.

Though do know
Now holds possible hurt.
Hurt when not felt and understood
well, it will stay in the now.
Only when one lets it.

Take these words to heart.
For the difficult lessons such was learned from
Trust that it returns in words,
and its edge never cleaves as deep
If firmly present here and now.

Even the One
Very, very best reason
may endure.

But We

Endure... Love

Preface, the time in life
before I ever knew
comprehending these people
Who I was, wasn't, just motions
A whisper of grey shade
In a uniformly ordinary world
Living was to be breathing
No attention, motivation, desire
Just another waste of existence
The day since passed
The pinning moment you befell
Alluring all things for reasons
This is me now, willing, able
Determined and deeply in love
All things have reason, purpose,
Desire in living, seeing a future
All things followed you.

This life of sugar sweet hopes and dreams
blanketing, shading, betraying what hazards lay beneath
things like failure, ridicule, backstabbing, self loathing
real things that our padded quilts of denial never reveal
until you fall, or suddenly the blanket is pulled
and all together we forgot to want this.

if i seem out of touch
am i lost in search of
are my reasons
alone as i too often seem
my own to be held dearly
against my chest my secret
leading me in search of
a place or being
to fit and be part of once was
is that then me lost
or in need of that which is
what was and was lost?

To breathe.
Letting loose the reigns
This life, this plane,
this existance holds on One
Is to be selfish? It is,yes.
This is not bad.
To lose the inner self
Outside of time
And gravity and life
As our second self, the body
Knows such things as being
The mind is far more vast
Universes within oneself
Unending and limitless
Given one knows the path
It is where the soul is
Our true self.
To take a moment of self
Is to meet oneself
To come to understand
To celebrate the miracle we are
And know to know peace.
To breathe.
A moment of self.

Are we at the late or early stage
of a moment in a unique time?

Should we say goodnight and accept
such moments are even real to the likes
of you and I?

Could we not?  Refuse the death of one cycle
of one day that in my heart resounds and outlasts
the grasp of all else but how we felt?

And if we do relent and bid reluctant pardons?

How long to relive and reunite should the sun
choose never again to rise?

One more moment, You and I.

I cannot say
I saw things could
Ever would
Play out this way
Life can be crazy
It can change
The way we do
Ways we think
We Better off
Long passed pain
The crushing weight
Loss brings
Pulled too far along
Out of reach
Caught up in
The day to day
Making we
Nothing but
An after thought

In this world of misperception
False words and rotten actions
I strive to mirror You.  
Fearless with the owning
Judgements cast not by
But only upon wrongfully so
I am stunned and admittedly
Humbled, by such
an amazing truth
A light in darknesd
I look up to such
I aspire to try harder
Learning from you being you.
I am happy
Honored that I
Have a friend again
Thank you.

And the angel said
you must have had a dream
and you remembered it
till the dream followed through
till the end,
till the dream came true

when I want something,  I get it.

and you'll remember that,  won't you.

Sorry...
Feel the crushing weight of it?

Beyond this the wasted,  
the fake, wasted.

The sensation
of darkened moments awaiting
daybreak and understanding

our past is playing
Cords of silk,
strung to be strummed,
a gentle note.

The price is living,
cast out, caught up,  
Knowing it was you...

You blew it.
Images played out every evening

Bitter sweet
the rotten misperception

Each scene you,  
And suffered through to numbness

To hold this,  
my happiest of moments
Without being able to know it

I find myself lonely,  
My heart weighted...

Seeing the end,

Noticing it to be...
an essential moment

We all have them,
mine are packed,
stacked, buried away
in my closet,
the half torn shoe box,
rebox, running shoes once
now it holds my past,
my photographs,
seeing the familiar faces
but one calls and holds my eyes
it is of You, when we knew each other
not quite the beginning, mid way
still happy and your eyes were hiding
you used to smile, but was it ever for me?
I'm beginning to think,
You knew that that day was coming
Then you told me,
and I watched you go,
another life ago.

Lighting my way, this the New
brought from hidden reaches
to be good, to feel good
And She, She is another wonder
One that makes me smile,
Catches the eyes,
Her voice like cherubs cries
to touch is to be renewed
another sense of new
There is me, this guy,
the type to quietly Die inside
this loss is familiar
but you promise, you do,
remember? I do.