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Sep 20 · 20
L'appel du vide
Jack Jenkins Sep 20
im struggling and still saying
its alright to depend on these words
even if dependence is no form of freedom
and former independence doesn't like to
be called out by his first name so he
writes like a ghost and ghosts his friends
like they're lost in the woods and looking
for him or at least his corpse
i guess that depends on how far his willpower
is willing to bend before becoming a coward
too afraid to respond it's all choked up
nothing in his (my) throat but smoke and
he (i) choke on the ash and fall on my (his) ***
trying to grab the rock to hold onto but it
crumbles in my (his) hand and he falls
to the echoes of my friends' calls
into the darkness and the darkness transforms
he and i into i and he
a split sewn together and fraying again
he isn't me but i can't help but
be him when i want to be me
so i turn back to words on
pages that bring some semblance
of comfort and a voice
to the chaos in his head
and taste the vitriol in my mouth
before spitting it back out
because it may be filling but
it has no sustenance beyond
what a fog can offer instead
so i step into the morning fog
away from him who
i've come to hate and love as much
as i hate him
so that maybe someday soon
i will love him more than i hate him
but until then it's cold this morning
and i hear my friends in the woods
Sep 8 · 37
no more than alotted
Jack Jenkins Sep 8
my heart no longer
wonders or wanders
but beats with a
serenity scorched
by chaos and
left alone

alone with my thoughts
pain but then
forgiveness
my thoughts
it is finished
peace in the storm
Jack Jenkins Aug 30
and how are the flowers
that fail to blossom
still hanging in the
eaves of dawn
and still holding
sunlight in their petals
clutching tightly
and still leaking through
the ground is damp
but i can't feel a thing
.
Aug 6 · 34
Untitled
Jack Jenkins Aug 6
there's a chill
in the air
its cold
mid july
except inside
where heaters glow
by those who fear
frost's bite
gather round
this quiet town
humble
but cold
your hands will reach
but not quite reach
the edge on which
we all fall down
Jack Jenkins Jul 21
and there your heart lies
teetering on the edge
waiting
for a quiet whisper
of a breeze
or a simple i love you
just waiting for something
to ground you
or make you fall
and oh
how far you will fall
before you find what
lies underneath it all
I love you, my Moon, but you don't see the same shades of color I see. You're vibrant in your greys and melancholy. I love you.
Jack Jenkins Jul 17
clouds are rolling in
from the west
leaving their shadows
in their wake
a darkness that
isn't dark
but only robs
my life of light
oh clouds go away soon
the sun has set
and none care to see
how monolithic
your judgements are
let the flowers grow again
and the animals are cold
Jack Jenkins Jul 13
its a point of forming
drops of water
carving
a channel
to this place i am
where i can see
beauty
in this broken shell
in the cracked
reflections
absent of color
and following
that water-cut channel
to the light above
well it may be past
my strength
but
maybe not
Jack Jenkins Jul 11
there is less of me that
i hold closely
and more of what
i want to be
that i hold closely
because who i am
is not a friend
but i will still love him
and hope to see him grow
self-love is also
self-destruction
but i plant
different seeds this time
Jul 9 · 614
deaf and see
Jack Jenkins Jul 9
if it was hidden
i was blind
but i see
everything clearly
from the second story balcony
and
did i feel what
i was meant to feel
and
close my eyes
to finally see
Jul 7 · 355
not forever in my eyes
Jack Jenkins Jul 7
flickering, a spark, and smoke in my nose
lighter on and off, thoughts oppose
leaning
then flailing
then realizing
ive been standing
maybe not strongly
but still standing
and the steps keep growing
lighter on
lighter off
and my face still glows
Jul 2 · 63
Poetry by Time
Jack Jenkins Jul 2
to quietly suffer
to quietly heal
to lose everything
to lose nothing
the parts of the whole
that erased my soul
to start over again
a blessing that depends
on the seeds grown
in a mind that groans
Jack Jenkins Jul 1
such a sigh
echoes
in places
no sounds are allowed

such pain
bleeds
and stains
in ways water cant clean

last words
hurt
in ways
that echo and bleed

they stain
the parts of my mind
locked away
yea, locked away
My pen is empty at last. I stopped writing to drink the ink; now I'm poisoned. Nobody is left here anyways.
Jack Jenkins Dec 2020
I said I'd talk and then I didn't
Little bit broken in little too many ways
Liar, coward, afraid
Prayer laced anxieties I'd gladly trade
I wanted to talk, but life cut me down
Life cut out my tongue, threw it on the ground
Darkness and light, a given-up fight
I lay down, drown in sorrows
Drown my sorrows
The devil told me that
Losing is fine
Everything is fine
//on her//
Jun 2020 · 679
Mind vs Heart
Jack Jenkins Jun 2020
My head knows all the reasons not
But my heart is a knot
Longing for you
To hear your voice
To hear you say you're okay
I miss you, old friend
One of these days I'll be brave
But tonight is not that night
I'll slink into the shadows
Drown in the shallows
And mourn the fact
I still miss you
//On her//
May 2020 · 453
Thank You for Being Honest
Jack Jenkins May 2020
I think its time to have a talk,
A walk over the rubble of once tall walls,
That held a heart so heartless captive,
Lost in halls of raw cobbled things,
That were never really feelings, just things,

Things I need to say, to go over,
All in the name of bless-ed closure,
So sorry that I drove her so far away,
These bereft words, scribbled on a digital page,

Will never convey the dismay of this shipwrecked man,
Who crafted an island by his own hands,
Where he made himself ******,
Where he made his last stand,

But no ending ever came,
Just waves upon waves,
Of drowned dreams and half dead sorrows,
Awaiting death on every tomorrow,
Death that never came,
//self reflection//

Three years is a long time. I think I'm ready to talk to her again.
Apr 2020 · 548
Just a Dot
Jack Jenkins Apr 2020
It's funny how time and distance makes maturity grow.
Growing old is not as cold as I once imagined it to be.
I once felt like I knew you front, back, and center.
But retrospection showed affection as rejection.
The girl I knew I would torment with venting.
Of love, and life, and especially of death.
All the ways I'd scare her without ever,
Realizing I was comprising our last,
Love letter together, cold sweater,
I sweat her and swept her under,
Leaves of all these autumns,
Buried underneath our,
Fractured friendship.
But I was in love.
She was not.
so we got
smaller
small
just
a
.

then nothing
Happy birthday to an old friend, wherever she is.

Really debated about posting this. Thought I was done posting poems, but here I am.
Mar 2020 · 397
The Right Time to Not Write
Jack Jenkins Mar 2020
The curtain closes after the bow
Creaking leather shoes start their step
Exit stage left
Applause
Silence

tap tap tap tap

Time stands as still as his heart
and a question ****** his mind
if his words were empty
or just the audience?

He got into this business to hurt
to feel something
It was his drug, after all
But he finally healed
Years later
A smile touches his scars

tap tap tap tap

Exit stage left
'Til death, does he art
Thank you all for reading my works, over the years. I never really planned to stop writing poetry, especially because I feel I've been writing my best work ever. this has been not only my work, but my diary. There's so much of me on this site, so much more than most people would ever know...

I'm quitting simply because I feel it is complete, at least for now. I originally started writing because I was in love with someone who is no longer in my life, every time I refer to "her" in my notes... and I've made peace with it. I'm happy.

Thank you to everyone who changed my life, from here. I wish you all the best in life. Sorry for the burnt bridges, to those I no longer speak to.
Feb 2020 · 288
Tears Salted Like Seawater
Jack Jenkins Feb 2020
I sit alone this half-fogged, half-starry night on the beach
Watch the water seep over the rocks and sand and life
Your face seems to haunt the water between ripples
I draw my heart out to your ghost in the damp sand
Not in symbols or letters, but in words shaped silently
Tears salted like saltwater was my offering to God that night
And I know I chased you off for good but darling
I'll always send my love after you long after goodbye
Darling I'm used to being in love on the outside
I hope to be forgotten by you, pray to be remembered by you, and hope to see you again.
//on her and unrequited love//
Feb 2020 · 337
A Feeling So Small
Jack Jenkins Feb 2020
I spend this evening counting bumps in my popcorn ceiling

1,2,3,4,5,6,7

Heart is gnawing at my mind

8,9,10,11,12

Old washed out feelings

13,14,15,16

No words just

17,18,19

Memories

.......

when did i start crying?
//On loneliness, her, recovery//

Stifling the pain isn't a replacement for letting it go. Breathe, you're going to be okay...
Feb 2020 · 438
Simulated Outcome
Jack Jenkins Feb 2020
Heavy
Is what I carry
In my pockets
In my heart
Weighted like sand
Filling my throat
The fear under my eyelids
Cracks of light that creep in
Thoughts under my skin
Dying just to be let out
But I stay only silent
Let the fog rapture me
The pain can sink in
Past my skin
to the bone
to new days
from the same me
//On life and control, or lack thereof...//
Feb 2020 · 822
Angelfall
Jack Jenkins Feb 2020
My guard dropped like an anvil from the sky
I never knew I was up so high
So alone
Freezing from the inside
Hiding lies in lust when love would've done fine
//On love and loneliness//
Feb 2020 · 552
Acceptence
Jack Jenkins Feb 2020
I'm letting go of the person I knew
Of you
Of myself
The hurt never lead to freedom
But the key
Was always there
//On her//
Jan 2020 · 304
Love Notes Left Behind
Jack Jenkins Jan 2020
I miss you like the desert sands miss the lapping waves of the sea
That childlike sparkle in your eyes as you laughed with me
Our lives were a destiny not meant to be
But it was the only future I cared to see

I spend my days, hours, minutes, and seconds as if it didn't matter
But in the moments between time and space I am with you
Could it be called love if I didn't know what I was doing?
I made my confession to walls when it should have been to you...

Clarity always seems to cloud the mind, one way or another
Because the clarity that speaks only speaks of pain;
It hurts to say that it hurt to stay; It hurt to leave and it hurt to hate
Hating her hurt far more than any rejection of hers

Words cannot find the feelings I want to describe
After all, these are just love notes left behind...
//on her//

Speaking on tear-blotted pages and smudged ink...

Sorry for switching between first and third person so much... I often do so when visiting her in my mind...
Jan 2020 · 231
From: Anonymous; To: World
Jack Jenkins Jan 2020
He's worn the same clothes for a week
He hopes no-one notices the heart on his sleeve
the heart that bleeds
Lies that he's kept in the brim of his hat
Wondering what's the same
Wandering different towns that
feel the same
Pondering the shame
Longing just to be in control
But he can't indulge
So he self-medicates
So he can meditate
On all the things wrong
That can't be made right
On all the things he writes
Poems that won't be read
only seen
So he can hide behind his words
but he always gets what he
deserves
//On writing and reflections//
Jan 2020 · 479
Voices
Jack Jenkins Jan 2020
Just a blank wall
Stare at it
Memories of her
Tell me where it hurts
The clock ticks
You can't go back in time
Memories of her
You can't make her real
So hallucinate
Drink
****
Sin
Or just stay alone
Your choice
//On addiction and her//
Jan 2020 · 206
Pestilence
Jack Jenkins Jan 2020
I missed the moment to kiss you
You would have tasted the pestilence on my lips

Dried lips suffocated by dust form the word "goodbye"
For love has run its due course on this coarse heart

Weariness has worn down what hope was once planted
But darling love doesn't grow in trees, does it?

so why did it have to die?
//On love//
Jack Jenkins Jan 2020
Oh I am calloused and bruised
I am weathered and used
I don't blend anymore
I just float on the surface

The light that left me
Has me feeling thin
Inside
Oh the love that left me
Has me feeling dead
Inside

And the love that stayed
Cannot carry me on
I am a wayward son
I am the only lonely one

Is there an end or a beginning
I can no longer tell
These thoughts aren't my own
But they're nobody else's

Oh everyone's a stranger
When you don't know yourself
Everyone's a stranger
I don't know myself
//On love and loneliness//
Jan 2020 · 381
Resolve to Change
Jack Jenkins Jan 2020
2019 hit me hard like most years
but i finally started to hit back
i let myself embrace the pain
said it was okay
and started to heal
i made my peace with a lot of my past
wrongdoings i can't undo
but can forgive
both myself and others
i decided to stay in love with someone not in my life anymore
and that's okay
because she's always had my heart
most importantly i made a resolution for the first time
for 2020 i will not be suicidal
or entertain such thoughts
i will tell my demons
"how dare you think you can scare me into death"
and i will mock the voices that say there is nothing for me here
i am loved
even by myself
//on myself and life//

If you've ever struggled in life, and feel like things never will change... they may not... but you can.
Love you all, and best wishes for 2020
Jan 2020 · 557
Cancer
Jack Jenkins Jan 2020
Old habits smoulder in the secret places in my heart
Like a pack of unlit cigarettes stashed under the bed
Cancer waiting to spread and ignite desires
Oh how I love these wrong desires
Just a sip until I drown
Just a flame til I burn down
//On addiction//

I'm okay. But my demons want me to come out and play.
Dec 2019 · 433
1095 Days...
Jack Jenkins Dec 2019
three years,
some days I no longer count,
but you were the second woman I loved;
the first to love me back,
& the first to break my heart...
...
Darling, wherever you are I hope you're happy and free
'Cuz I'm still right where you left me...
//on my ex girlfriend//

First of two 3 year anniversaries for me in the coming months. **** 2017.
Dec 2019 · 248
And his death came after
Jack Jenkins Dec 2019
everything that made him him
was leaking out the hole in his chest
the cracked ribs finally failing
god, if only he wasn't a fool
God, please make this real
//On love//
Dec 2019 · 476
Paradoxical Living
Jack Jenkins Dec 2019
death can be found in love
and life can be found in anger
scars can be beautiful
showing we survived
and aren't there anymore
freedom can be found when lost
through solitude wisdom can grow
but growth has no meaning alone
so love as you live
for death cares not of such things
fret not for scars, do not be scared
when lost, know you are found
these are the meanings I have learned
//On Life//

Just ramblings of an old man... ;)
Dec 2019 · 533
Aborted Truth
Jack Jenkins Dec 2019
the memory of my melody
a reminder of lost things
haunted by the years
//On my muse//
Dec 2019 · 624
Run
Jack Jenkins Dec 2019
Run
when people look me in the eye
for just a fleeting moment
i feel as if i will die
palpitations
dilation
sweat
flight
or fight
apologies
i feel as if i will die
for just a fleeting moment
when people look me in the eye
//On trust//
Dec 2019 · 654
Blue
Jack Jenkins Dec 2019
The grass fields shimmer in the wind
As the sky is gaunt and gray
I pray, I pray, I pray
That this sadness goes away
//Written for a dear friend//
Dec 2019 · 465
Nope
Jack Jenkins Dec 2019
Stop falling
you've been here before
you know it's not worth it
Do you never learn?
Dec 2019 · 655
Moonlight Art
Jack Jenkins Dec 2019
She danced on the rooftops with the moon to her back
Proud and shining on her elegant ballet
Whisps of fog entwined her shadowed figure
As she glided backwards with her final bourree, into the night
A secluded heart now followed her everglow light
//On love//

Bourree is that very quick tiptoe ballet move.
Jack Jenkins Dec 2019
Unequivocal uninspiration usurping my greater judgement
That perhaps this paper might be better left unwritten
For foolish folly fails to grow my intrepid soul
Daggered demons drift across sleepless eyes
Hunting in the night for any light
Meant to be burnt but smothered on sight
Red rivers release droplets into panten lungs
Organs of oddity never needed but to draw dead air
This is thus the safety of my mind and heart, departed and slain
//On life//

Days that layer on one another compound into a sad story, someday...
Nov 2019 · 1.1k
Invisible Ink
Jack Jenkins Nov 2019
We write out secrets in our art
so the dark can tear us apart
every lie, every lust, every slight
Just so we can sleep at night
//On Secrets//

Nobody even knows I write poetry
Jack Jenkins Nov 2019
I'm sitting here trying to write how I feel and yet I cannot find the words or letters that speak in the right order,

I talked with a friend who said that I was growing, but I had to be honest and tell him that what I was feeling was not growth, but a rearrangement of myself; so the holes don't show what I have lost...

We don't grow; we just change and get smaller,

Or maybe that's just me,

I feel like I've become so small that I cannot even lift the blankets off of me when I wake up;

I was wild with love in my youth, but as I age and my body rejects me like my mind rejected my heart, I have to confess; I didn't have a clue how to love someone, and I still don't;

I do know I'm scared of it, though,

Scared of love,

Because I gave those parts of me away for a reason, the ones I so desperately rearrange to keep hidden;

And if someone else tried to fill those hollow parts of my heart, I know,

They would never really feel at home.
//On love. On her. On me.//
Nov 2019 · 588
Twofold Curse
Jack Jenkins Nov 2019
And all the loneliness floods and pools within
The darkened sea of sweetened sin
A pain strengthened of anguish
Lost hope breeds my languish
Sanguine eyes are blind and frail
Misconceived by this stupid veil
Til I've paid my final price
My life's vice has cursed me twice
//On loneliness and addiction//
Nov 2019 · 529
No Control
Jack Jenkins Nov 2019
How heavy can a heart grow in one's chest,
When the weight is measured not in volume but in resigned grief?
//On depression//

Was starting to feel good and then this weekend just... weighed me down. For no reason.
Nov 2019 · 733
Untitled
Jack Jenkins Nov 2019
I
Sleep
Yet
Never
Rest
//On exhaustion//
Nov 2019 · 368
Fearless, Weakness
Jack Jenkins Nov 2019
I see my friends in new relationships, in bliss
I'm happy for them
I'm also a bit bitter if I'm being honest
And if I'm being honest I'm never really honest
It's a protection plan of mine like
the kind you get when you're at the checkout and the
cashier who's on her
second hour of overtime
says that for thirty extras dollars all your broken parts can be fixed
if you bring it back
There was an asterisk next to the plan
Terms and Conditions apply, please sign here
so when you bring it back with a shattered screen
they say they can't help you because you did it to yourself
And I've done this
thing
to myself
Over and over and over again
Waiting for the time it works
The right formula of time multiplied by distance divided by maturity
But the solution I come up with always equals zero no matter what numbers I move around it stays the same
I don't commit because I've committed too much before
I don't walk on those egg shells anymore
When I love there is an asterisk next to my heart
Terms and Conditions apply, please sign here
Don't get too close because you might see me without my mask
And unmasked me is brutal and burnt out
As frail as thin ice covering the pond of his regrets
I've grown old groaning on about these things
A cold king with a cold crown sitting on a cold throne
alone
And I don't want to be alone but I don't want to change
This is normal for me and it feels safe even if it is killing me slowly
Nobody has been through my shoes
You can sympathize but don't ever say you can empathize
You have not seen through my eyes or felt with my heart
There are parts of me I lost with every step forward I took in absolute fearlessness and faith and it crippled me
So don't act like I have those parts of me, still
There are things I just cannot do anymore
Like an amputee who can't feel his wife's hand in his anymore
Like a paraplegic who can't run a marathon anymore'
Like a young boy who spent his love in fullness and never got any back
Please, just accept that this is who I am and I can't change that
Because it's not in my nature anymore
It just can't happen
//On love//
Nov 2019 · 352
Lightning (Haiku)
Jack Jenkins Nov 2019
rumble of thunder
lightning across the skyline
light shines in the night

.....
.......
.....
//haiku//
Oct 2019 · 438
Cicada
Jack Jenkins Oct 2019
Words don't come to me as easily as they once did
I've said it before
Said it before
said it before
Cynical echo sound away
So I erase, backspace, highlight and delete every syllable of love, fear, anxiety, I've lived through in this life
Smother my worth with worthlessness but I hope someone else feels they are worth it
That's my drive
Keeping a stranger alive another day, perhaps
Writing on a beach just to let my words wash away in the sand
Let myself soul drift out beyond the waves, but my body forgot to become drowned in the deep
where silence is the deadliest sound
and I've grown deaf
breathing but not alive
//reflection and nihilism//

I've concluded I'm a complex man
A honeycomb in a row of cubicles
Not meant for... this
Oct 2019 · 265
Wither
Jack Jenkins Oct 2019
Sleep
No longer rests
for the hauntings
In my dreams
Looking back
always
Never forward
For what is there?

I see myself
Slip away
Before I begun
Fear-ridden
By ghosts in my head
so much potential
yet I stay here
withered
//On anxiety and depression//
Oct 2019 · 288
Stairway
Jack Jenkins Oct 2019
I would describe depression as purple
and show you the frailty of my sanity
a long hallway with a long staircase
that goes up as it goes downwards
parts of you will fall off as you climb
rattling and echoing like a ghost
passing yourself seven times over
dusty lungs barely keeping you up
do you ever wonder if it ever ends?
//on depression//
Jack Jenkins Oct 2019
All signs point to depression, and side effects of depression may include talking to those skeletons in your closet at 4am when you dream about her. Again.

Talking to ghosts isn't scary or bad, mostly it's just sad, because she's still alive and you act like she's dead. She's not dead. she's just not in your life anymore.

It's been two and a half years since we last talked, and I'm sure I can reach out or find a friend of a friend who maybe knows where you are.

But I won't.

Because the same reasons that drove you away, drive me to stay where I have been for the last three years.

I have grown up, but I have not moved on, I'm just loftier and believe that I can die happy because maybe I changed a half-dozen lives for the better. But I can't prove that.

I'm not suicidal, but I still keep that shotgun barrel at the back of my mouth just to keep myself hostage to the past. To the memories.

So I stay away.

Because I'm stuck.

My mind likes to divide instead of multiply, then compartmentalize all the things I want to say. But Rationalization clears it's throat and speaks in a somber way.

"You died that day you threw your love away. Your words do not matter, anymore."

I check the time; it's 4am. Here we go again.
//On her//
Oct 2019 · 583
My Kind of Love
Jack Jenkins Oct 2019
picture me as nothing more
                             than a
      deflated balloon
         clinging to the walls of your heart
//On her//
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