my heart says.
it succumbs to you.
the pain is so much like the pleasure
i can't distinguish it.
where are you?
do not hurt me.
i hate the way i tremble
even as your knee brushes against my toe,
as if a simple gesture was enough to make me fall again.
i hate the way your eyes crinkle at the corners when you laugh,
the way you talk so easily,
words gliding from your mouth
so distinguishable i can almost feel them land on my skin,
like water droplets when it is drizzling.
you are dangerous,
you with your delicate beauty
like a wash of gold upon my eyes,
like the lifting of a curtain in a dark, dusty room.
i am blinded by you.
and i hate being blind.
don't hurt me,
my heart cries.
but the tears are only of blood,
you are made of light and fire.
how come i can see it--
see the way your eyes feel like a summer day
and the salt on the breeze
and the wind whipping my hair in tendrils around my face.
i can't see, i say,
but you don't listen,
and neither does the wind.
so i stumble and i fall
but the waves are there to catch me.
but even then are they my friends?
what power you do have, you use it willingly.
how could you know you don't hurt me,
with those long lashes like unused paintbrushes,
brushing against your cheeks so soft i can feel it,
like butterfly wings.
let go of me, my heart says to you.
you smile back and it's so cruel, so cruel,
that i relish in the pain even though i know it is poison.
i hate the way i love you.
i hate the way you smile,
i hate the way you laugh.
i hate how i know you have a dimple,
there, right there, on the side of your cheek.
i hate how you are like sunlight hitting a shimmering puddle,
as if you had the power to lift clouds and calm storms.
you don't have that power.
part 1 in a series
wear a mask
make sure you can breathe
Sweet talk to me babe,
Nothings whispered in my ear,
Your fingers find mine in the darkness
And I can feel your heart thumping
Through the surface of your skin
That feels like soft petals drifting on a spring wind
Windy days are the worst
I feel light enough to be blown away
Away from you and from the past
Past the houses, people, love
Of the times when I was truly happy
Happy that I was not happy
Happy that it was imperfectly
Formed through the few months I knew you
But did I know you? I didn’t
How can this be true
I loved you
I really did
I can’t do this
I can’t write anymore
I feel the pain from you
And tears welling up in my eyes
And now I really feel like
Maybe there’s no turning back
Maybe I will be stuck like this forever and ever
For all the things I could have done and didn’t do
Because I was scared, naive, stupid
Not good enough
I’m never good enough
Not for myself, not for others
My crushed dreams wilt in my heart
And cry rivers of blood
They threaten to choke me
When I least expect them
Someone help me
I can’t get out