You were summer and autumn at the same time,
The touch of you was like the touch of the sun on my skin,
it felt warm , and I
I felt somehow a little closer to home

You were summer and autumn at the same time,
you brought rays of sunshine into my life
until the change of season came around
and you, like autumn leaves, danced away
relentlessly following the direction of the wind

Talk to me about your existence in this world
show me what’s inside you
speak to me with words of love and hope
your deepest fears and greatest dreams
I crave knowing you
like my fingertips crave the touch of your skin

Lie down next to me
breathing slowly  I can feel your energy
wrapping around me
take my hand
and in the beauty of this moment
let our souls dance

There is something about this
I cannot explain
the energy, the vibrations
or maybe it’s the synchronised dance
or the feeling I get
every time you touch my hand

But in less than a moment
everything is gone
leaving behind just the memory
of our souls dancing along
and I miss knowing you
like my fingertips miss the touch of you skin

I  live my life
With goals and ambitions
I live my life
Making choices I hope one day
Will take me to
That happy place
I have always dreamed of

A dream,
A never ending land of
Joy and wishes that have been granted
An endless stream of happiness that
I hope will last forever

A dream,
A strong will to live my life
Knowing I did the best I could
But those “what ifs”
seem to be always around the corner
Creeping on me whispering “what if, you’d never left”
“what if you went back”
And alongside those soft whispers
Here she comes, my most devoted visitor
Once again making herself at home
In the deepest parts of me

She likes to be around me
She knows each part of me,
She knows all about my dreams and fears
She loves to cuddle me to sleep
But she doesn’t know
sometimes she holds me so tight
it feels like she’s suffocating me from the inside

So I cannot sleep and rushing through my mind
There are millions of thoughts, of scenarios
That I’ve created my entire life
With plan A followed by plan B…C…D and E
Because the idea of not having a plan
Is ******* scary
Because the idea of not knowing
What’s next
Is the end of the world to me
Because I feel lost
When I don’t know what’s next
I feel lost
When I try to make sense of things
I yet cannot see
So with my hands I try and reach out
For help, I scream and yell
Trying to find a way to soothe
My racing heart,
Trying to find an escape
From this tightness in my chest
But it’s always her
That comes to me first
and with her soothing voice
She reminds me that
it’s always been her and I and always will be

So that’s why I am trying to
Get stronger to learn how to live
Knowing sometimes her night cuddles are so tight
I cannot breathe
Why do you think I go to the gym?
Besides for trying to put my mind at ease
After hearing her whisper
“54? that’s not the number on the scale we want to  see”

Her whispers are so strong and clear
That even when she leaves
I lose sense of reality and
I don’t know if the thoughts in my head are mine or
Are just the footprints she left behind
So I freeze not knowing what to do
Too scared to take on the next move
Too scared for her to come back
And whisper “it’s always been you and I, and always will be”

How do you grieve
someone you haven’t yet lost?
I’m broken
and each piece of me
doesn’t know how to carry on
in a world
I was told
was created by a God
whose plans though
seem so wrong

I cannot breathe
knowing one day
you could be gone
it’s a constant thought that
is rotting inside me
it’s anger
it’s sadness that
have turned my life
into an irreversible madness

I’m yearning for
a place to call home
but where’s home
when your heart is divided in two
when you want to grow old
where you were born
but a part of you
wants to set free
in the land of dreams

I’m yearning for
that warmth that
fills you inside that
makes you realise
that calling a place home
is finally part of your life
but I’m shivering
and home is so out of sight
and in my mind
the unknown is
eating me alive

I’m yearning for
a place to call home
I want to know
what it feels like
to be alive
in a time that
doesn’t feel like
you’re living in limbo
your entire life

I want to know
what it feels like
to know you’re home
for good
I want to know
what it feels like
to lie down at night
knowing where you are
is where you want to be
is where you can be
knowing that
where you are is home
knowing that
after years and years of
hard work
laws and grades won’t be
a worry anymore
knowing that
you can finally rest
you can finally breathe
you can finally say
“welcome home Iz”

And it breaks me
to see a love I thought
was so strong
and pure
falling to pieces

And it breaks me
to see the love  I wished
for my future self
turning into
a broken promise

And it breaks me
to share the same blood
with you
whose vision of love
I have always admired

And it breaks me
to see the pain in her eyes
to hear the pain through her words
that pain
I wish I could take away

You broke a promise,
a love I thought
would never break
You broke my heart too
and I wonder if it will ever mend

I feel lost
I struggle at finding my way
between recovery and relapse
I don’t know what path to take
because recovery is a dream
but so is being thin
I feel lost
I struggle at understanding my hunger
I struggle at eating without feeling a thunder
inside me thumping the walls of my head
I struggle at being carefree
I struggle at enjoying my time
with my family and friends when I am home
when I should feel free

I feel lost
I have been trying to recover
but everything seems so hard
and I am tired
I am tired of trying
I am tired of hating my own self
for not being recovered enough
for not being thin enough
and I feel lost
I feel lost in the darkness of this illness
that I wish was stronger than my own self
because at least
I wouldn’t be stuck
between recovery and relapse

When you were younger,
you were told about the pain of a broken heart
you were told about the mean people
you could find along your path
yet, you were not told about
the dark holes that
can find home
in the deepest part of you

You were not told that
one day you might wake up
feeling nothing but lost
lost in the outer space of your existence
where gravity doesn’t exist
and you are just floating around
looking for a path
you think will lead to the brightest star

The truth is, you keep floating around and around
you see millions of stars
but somehow
you can’t seem to reach them
no matter how further you stretch your arms,
you can’t get to touch them
and even when you are finally
so close to them
they turn into deep black holes that
with all their strength
pull you around them
only to eventually devour you

and this
over and over again
until you get used to it
until you get used to feeling this lost and consumed
until you forget how to feel full

There will be gloomy days when
you will look back at your old self
and think about this one choice you made that
changed your life in many ways
You will think about the day you decided to leave
You left family and friends behind
hoping to find a better future on the other side
You were young and naïve
you were that quiet kid that
no one thought could ever leave
yet, on that September 6th 2013
holding hands with Fear and Hope
you boarded a plane that took you miles away

There will be gloomy days when
you will wonder why
on that day Fear didn’t pull you aside
and tell you that life
wasn’t going to be as bright on the other side
You will wonder why that quiet kid
had this strong need to leave
You will look back in sadness
and grieve the loss of those happy times you took for granted
You will be drinking the same coffee
mum used to make you on a Saturday morning
and you will be listening to those songs
dad used to play in the car on a Sunday afternoon
You will grieve what it feels like a loss
of those you have always loved

It’s on these days that you will feel alone the most

Inside your head it will be as dark as the sky
on a rainy winter afternoon
and your eyes will be as heavy as grey clouds
ready to let the rain pour down

It’s on these days that you will grieve the most

Though, they say there is always calm after a storm
and no matter how brief it can be
you will eventually find some peace
and it’s within this peace that
you will find the strength to remember that
not everything is as gloomy as it seems
It’s within this peace that
you will honour that quiet kid
who is no longer as quiet as they used to be
and it’s within this peace that
you will celebrate their new life as a fearless kid

I was told that you know exactly when love arrives,
because when it does,
your stomach turns into
the land of thousand butterflies.
I was told that when love arrives
it hits you so hard that
breathing becomes the hardest part,
and your whole body gets numb
by the thought of her in your arms

My stomach was home to no butterfly,
breathing was never hard
or my body numb
yet, I gave it all
because that day
when love arrived
and I saw you for the first time,
something penetrated my chest
and since then
the only feeling I’ve had
was the constant fear
of remaining breathless

I so wanted to be good for you
that I turned blind
and did not see
I was losing myself
in this hell
trying to be
a decent human being
striving to save a love that
perhaps has always been wrong

Like a rose bud attempting to bloom
in the middle of a nettles field
you are trying to survive
in a world where it takes courage
to be alive
I see strength trapped inside you
trying to make its voice heard
yet you don't seem to listen
and with the heaviest memories
of your past
you try to recall
the last time you felt loved

And when the dark
tries to embrace you
I, with a morning kiss
will tell you how beautiful you are
and if you say
you do not agree
I'll gently kiss you again
once, twice, three times
until I'll see that smile of yours
that every day
makes me love you
a little bit more

And when, looking back at your past
you still think nobody believes in you
I'll be by your side
reminding you that this time
you don't have to fear being alone
and I don't care how long it will take
for you to understand
for I'll bring you flowers
with a simple note that says
you are smart, beautiful and fun
thank you for being my better half

If she makes you feel happier than you were before
yet you can’t write anymore
is this alright?
For since I met her
I haven’t found a way
to express how I feel
and I am afraid
one day
I will explode
and she will run away
Cause poetry
has always been the only way
I can deal
with my fears
and you have no idea
how much she scares me
The way she talks to me
the lovely sound of her giggle
and her “good morning” texts
that paint a smile on my sleepy face
the fact that we’ve met only once
yet my heart can’t stop to dance

I’ve never felt this way before
and I am scared
one day I will wake up
to the sound of a broken heart
and the need to write again
cause there will no longer be
any good morning text
or any other reason to wear a smile
just empty feelings and old memories
ready to be turned into indelible words

Today is your birthday
and I woke up hoping
to see the sun
but no sun appeared
instead, the heavy rain came
and tried to wash off that pain
I every day try to oppress
the pain that every year
on this December 1st
I can no longer hide

Today is your birthday
and I miss you
I miss you
like I did last year on this same day
like I have been doing since you left
like I always will

I have to admit
that I am quite sick
I am sick of being anxious
I am sick of my unconscious
and its thoughts that shape
the way I behave

I was told that because of Anxiety
I have developed this need,
a thought that like a small seed
started growing inside myself
slowly stretching its roots
reaching and taking control over
the deepest and hidden part of my soul
a thought that slowly turned into a voice
my voice

I began to talk to myself
as I was someone else
as I was someone coming from the outside
who shouting and giving me orders
craved to control myself from the inside
“Isabel you can’t let Anxiety win”
this is what I told myself many times
until one day my complex mind
decided to prove
that it was able to regain control
over my mind and soul

I started from what to me were
the easiest steps to control
losing weight
and my food intake
they were so easy to restrain
that I did not realise that by counting calories
I was helping that inner voice
become more and more powerful
and I…I was not regaining control
at all

Today I am still struggling
and I do not know how long it will take
for me to defeat Anxiety
but maybe this is what it is all about
understanding that overall
no one can be in absolute control

I have been trying to fill this page
with words that could express
the things I am not sure
I would be able to tell you face to face
but as weird as it may sound
the more I think about you
the more my heart skips
and my mind goes insane
I can feel the words stuck in my lungs
as they try to climb my throat
looking for freedom
and a chance to be heard

Through the ink of this pen
I am trying to write down these words
of affection - nothing
The paper is still empty
yet my heart feels so heavy
and as I think of you
my mind wants to explode
and release all the colourful words
that would create spectacular
rainbows of thoughts all over the world

I wonder why you have this
strange effect on me
and why the first time we met
I shook your hand
and felt this strong energy
penetrating my chest
I wonder why I want to know more
and more about you
I want to know the simple things
like the title of your favourite book
or what you wanted to be
when you were three
but I also want to know
your deepest thoughts when
at 2am we lie down under the night sky
contemplating in silence its bright side

You tell me not to be stressed
about food, gym and health
you tell me not to be obsessed
and you remind me those days when
I would eat a whole bar of chocolate
without knowing what calories were
But let me clarify one thing
it's not that easy
Those voices in my head
are controlling myself
and I'm trying to defeat them
but I'm getting tired
as they **** all my power
I swear I fight them back
and sometimes I win
but sometimes I take
one step forward and two steps back
so I'm always here
surrounded by anxiety and fear
60…59…58…57….56…55
just simple numbers on a scale
but as they decrease
I feel so powerful, yet so scared
to cross the line
dividing sanity from insanity
and suddenly I'm walking on a tightrope
trying not to fall
into the darkest of all holes

I know you’re broken
and your heart is in pain
I know how tough it can be
to let people in
after all the times
you’ve been deceived
and I know how it feels
to ask yourself why
when the only thing you want
is to love and to be loved

I know it’s been hard
not to fall into those
dark and scary holes
of your mind
and I know
sometimes you’re still afraid
to stumble upon
the line that divides
the bright from the dark side

But I swear
there will come a time
when you will no longer
be afraid of your own mind
and I promise you
there will come a time
when everything
you went through
will be worth this arduous ride

Goodbyes we wish we never had to say
long hugs we wish never ended
weeping people too sad to mumble anything
and the bitter regret of an unsaid *I’ll miss you