I open up
from the depths of
me
reaching beyond the
discomfort of the past
the hurt of former me

this attempt of
healing
only lead to more fight
to mend my broken soul

my love for him is comfortable
he lies down on my bed
i lay my head next to his
he doesnt ask for more
he doesnt need more,
to love me too

there is nothing i love more
than being
a girl
i love the way i speak,
with slang only teenage girls use
i love wearing dainty clothes,
feeling beautiful wearing them
i love collecting,
knick-knacks, records, crystals
above all
i love
the wonder of girlhood
romanticizing my life
perceiving my monotonous existence,
as a life worth writing about

there are things im scared of
some insignificant
ladders
deep water
being lost
none stand a chance against
my biggest fear

growing up

but all my fears,
seem to have similar concepts
to growing up
ladders:
how far can i go?
before i come crashing down?
deep water:
how am i supposed to know whats to come?
until i arrive?
being lost:
what is growing up?
if not being lost?

i never thought id be
here
happier
recovered
healthier
there are still days when i
reconsider
become fearful
make mistakes
but i promised myself
id never go back
to then.

none of my jeans fit
i used to wish for this

but now its a reality

i thought once i lost the weight
i'd be happy

but now i'm worse than ever

i thought i was getting better

a better sister
a better friend
a better human
a better weight
a better student
a better daughter
a better mental health
but it was just a lie

wasnt it?

food
why can't I get my mind off of you
                  every
                       single
                             second
never skinny enough
never happy enough
never
enough