would be walking in the snow, alone

and the soft padded movements under your feet

will ask me questions others wouldn't dare to know.



you

would sit next to me on the bus

and ask how i read without getting sick

and i would throw words up on you.



you

would be in a bookshop

in the metaphysical section

and you would show me thick paged dream interpreters

and i would show you the cover of ****** Astrology.



you

would be lost in a song

throwing glances at me from stage

and the passion that spews out from being on top of everything

everyone's listening.



you

would compliment my brain

and not my body.



i would try to impress you with both.



you

would be smoking a bowl under blacklights

and i would ask for a hit

of you, of you.



[who are you? where are you? how do i find you?]

Is the color of unrequited love
It is the teasing of petals surrounding nothing
The temporary watercolor disguise rubs off onto fingertips
And the thorns are brutal knives drawing translucent tears
Drain me of feeling, oh God, if you are really out there
I didn't choose this destiny, let me try again
I'm going to Oz to get a refund
For this heart beats much too fast, and is tiring me
Life would be so simple hollow
It's not like I needed you, it's not like that
I saw you and you saw me
Together I felt, the stars were in reach
But those constellations are now just as fake as the ones on your ceiling
And my arms, they reach farther than yours and create huge shadows on the walls
That end up swallowing all the light
I only know how to save the world with love
And apparently it's never enough
If I had to say I was sorry for something
It would've been my passion
Because its poisonous plagues destroy everything
They say to, be careful what you wish for
But
My greatest strength is my absolute weakness
And sometimes I would give anything to do without this depth
Without my ultra-sensitive x-ray vision WARNING flashing on the screen
I could be oblivious again
I miss believing in everything and knowing nothing
Even though I always look back and blame it on myself
But I can't delete my senses as easily as I delete all our pictures
And all the beautiful empty words you said
Even when they all took place I was conscious of savoring
Because I somehow knew they may be the last
While you slept, I stayed awake and silently wept
Like that man in your story, was it too late?
I held on tight like it was the nearing end of a roller-coaster ride
While you were nonchalantly unbuckling the safety belt
Gladly stepping off the platform
Leaving me behind
Struggling to stand right-side-up after being so upside-down
I am still dizzy
My feelings irritate my skin
I want to flick them away like mosquitos
But they are deeply barreled and eating me away
And I
Can't
Stop
Itching.

Between two minds my mind flips
Why do you feel so empty sometimes
Do you float above your body and are robotic action
Are your thoughts your actions
Are they all the same, are they different
Are you everything at once
Once warm the next seemingly cold
If emotions could be that easy to separate
How easy would I be to dissolve
I am losing my grip on my perceptions because
I am the manipulated
I am clay
Use me use me and abuse me
I will beg for more
Because I am a sacrifice
I give myself even when I have already given everything
And I realize in a quick shudder that
The closer I get the faster I might let it fade
But I hate the space
How did I let this confusion overwhelm me in its toxic cloud
I am a delusion
An illusion
All is illusion
I am the audience
Gasping at magical feats
That are smooth gimmicks
I am the happiest fool.

There is this woman with stringy brown hair
Blue polka-dotted shirt, the same one
Head droops down
The weight of melancholy stampedes her to near-death.

She hardly holds herself up straight
She barely looks me in the eyes, she is shamed
Every time, she is paler and paler
Every time, gets the same comfort treat, maybe this will help this time
Maybe,
This time.

Chocolate peanut butter flavor with hot fudge and whipped cream
I am the only one who notices her slight shaking..
Fiending? Needing?

$4.61, please
I am the only one who notices the scars on her arms.

"Thank you, have a good day."

And I am frightened that one of them will soon be her last.

I am frightened because I want to save everyone
But I can't.

It's like throwing starfish into the sea, one by one
Still seeing the shore still filled with them.

Everyone around me is drowning and they pull my hair down with them.

I'm sleeping in your bed tonight, alone
Because you left me in the back of your mind
I'm not special anymore, so **** it
I'll smoke a cigarette, a habit I never had
I'll pass out in your room where I'm usually holding you or underneath you
Summer's here, so I'm trying to keep the glass half-full
I don't need a boy to empty it again, I'd rather risk that with a man
But deep down, really
I wish you were here even if you have forgotten all about me
But you're probably somewhere in the mountains, seeing things that aren't really there
Maybe it's me
And I'm in the trees and in the stars and I'm raining fire on you until it scorches your skin
And you wake up for a split second from your daydream at night
I'll color the sky like Northern Lights and tell you to come back home.

I hope you come back to Earth, soon
I hope you find what you're looking for out on that road in the middle of nowhere, somewhere
I hope you find it in the ocean, at the very bottom
And if you drown before you come back up
I hope you catch me in the corner of your eye
Turquoise tails flailing and beating against a watery wind
My hair snaking down my spine and my ice blue eyes in yours before you choke on your last breath

I will miss you.

What if your life was in a cage
And all the animals came to stare
You are a display case
How would you live
If everybody was watching?