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^^
ItxNotTrixh Mar 2019
^^
i wish someone could tell me why
i feel this way
like im constanly
falling
deeper
and deeper
into this abyss
but i never crash
im just
f
  a
    l
      l
        i
          n
            g

but­ at least it doesnt hurt as much
since i left my heart
atop the cliff
ItxNotTrixh Aug 2020
i love you tonight
like how the knife loves skin
cruel and rough
sharp and
     piercing when
i kiss your raw lips
my cool steel words brushing your
ears like an unfulfilled prayer, getting lost in between the sound of
loud crashing against jagged rocks and
overcome by the wind and waves
but soon i drown in your blood when i finally pull out of your heart, in the mess that i made
with the whisper:
“i love you”
3AM
ItxNotTrixh Feb 2019
3AM
tick tock
tick tock
goes the clock
tick to ck
tick t o c k
goEs tHe CLoCk
tick tock
tick ti ck t i ckto c k to tickt o k
gOES THE C L O C K
pLEASE
please
just

make

it

s
t
o
p
zolpidem didnt work trying again today
ItxNotTrixh Jul 2019
fill me up
with your worries
so you dont overflow
its okay if i spill
no really
it is

i have too many cracks already
im bound to break anyways
ItxNotTrixh Apr 2018
jump
they all say
shoving me forward
i see the malice in their eyes
i hear the whispers and laughs
i know the end to this is only if i jump
and so i do
down
      down
          down
              i fall
and i think that i am finally free
until my feet touch the ground
so here i am
back again
at the top of the cliff
where they're telling me to jump
ItxNotTrixh Feb 2021
she gives her hands
     but shes still left with her head
she gives that too
     but shes still left with her heart
she gives her heart
     but it still hurts like hell
so she gives herself
     and now there's nothing left
     to give.
i actually wrote a poem called “toss” a while back and its basically this poem but instead of the word “give”, it has the word “toss”. the poem always sounded a bit off to me so i decided to change that one word, toss, and now it feels like a whole new poem sheesh. the power of words amirite ?
ItxNotTrixh Mar 2018
Blank pages
Tempting, yet terrifying
Should I take a leap of faith
Hoping I come up with an idea
By writing on you?
Or should I just leave you empty
Like everyone else before
Hoping someone will carry the burden of filling you up?
I am not sure
I have nothing to write about
No ideas.
No feelings.
Nothing at all.
Even if I did write
It would just be full of emptiness anyways
So why bother?
But something is calling me to you
Is it your charm
Or is it my helplessness?
Either way, it does not matter.
I have already started writing.
ItxNotTrixh Jul 2020
one final time
before i have to let you go ?
because simply grazing your
skin would be enough
to douse the fire in my chest
that hasn’t stopped burning
since the night you left.
ItxNotTrixh Jul 2020
she's drawing constellations
with the memories in her head
trying to trace them back
back to where it all began
Was it the first star off north ?
or the just right of Sirius ?
or was it the day she stormed out
and hid in the bathroom stall
tears like lava hitting the pale marble floor the way the rain was pounding on the pavement outside
wishing the clouds would go away and the year-long storm would cease ?

or maybe she's just thinking too much ? not thinking enough ? how can she think the right amount when time is endless and she's lost to infinity ?

she tries to line it up but there’s too many threads and she’s split at the end so now
she’s just back where she began
back to the silence
back to the night
back to lining up the constellations of memories
in her head.
not my usual style... trying something different b/c im feeling different today :/
ItxNotTrixh Apr 2019
Rolling down a cliff
You cant really tell when
Or where
it started off
Because you only notice it when
It comes hurtling right at you
ItxNotTrixh Mar 2019
is when you think youre too tired
to run anymore
but someone behind
keeps pushing you forward
until eventually
you trip
and fall off the cliff
im
highkey half asleep
ifk whatbim syaing.
ItxNotTrixh Mar 2019
please just dissapear
because im not really sure
what to do with you
this isnt really an authentic haiku but idk man.
ItxNotTrixh Feb 2019
because your broken shards
only hurt everyone else
and sooner or later
theyre going to grow tired
of trying to piece you back together
ItxNotTrixh Nov 2021
Hell is here
        And here
        And everywhere you don't want it to be
You cut to the part of the play where we see Rome burning
        YOU: Sisyphus! Here is your rock!
        ME: Thanks, I thought I lost it!

I hit pause.
Up I go and down I come a
        Merry-go-round that throws up red water
        Free as a stallion
        Free as a show pony

                 Running running running—

You pull me back into the auditorium
        With a thought unheard in an unclean
        Chalice I can't help but drink from
Water from my head filling the crevices that are
Hidden deep
        Deeper
                Deepest and—
Cue the [crash]! and [burn]!
       (Ha! Get it! You’re burning in hell!)

That’s all this is, isn’t it?
       A carefully scripted (comedy) tragedy by a (God) Devil.
I read the script again.
You’re drowning in the fire of your sins
"Condemned by the Father you once loved
Like an unfulfilled prayer
Gathering dust in hell."
I throw it in the fire.

        Running running running.
some background to perhaps understand the poem: so i made the mistake of reading Fear and Trembling by kierkegaard and went through an existential crisis. kierkegaard basically argues that all that we do in life—all our hobbies, exercises, day-to-day activities—are simply things we use to ignore and keep us ignorant from the fact that life ultimately has no meaning from an individual standpoint. nothing matters. This isnt a new idea that i didnt know about before or anything but idk reading his work just shook me. and so i made this poem alkdsjfh so uh yeah aslkdjf just a small background
ItxNotTrixh Sep 2018
Angel

Clip off your wings

Retire the crown

Show the scars

Hide the pain

Swallow the swarming dread

Fall to the ground

Fall under the ground

A bird with no wings

A singer with no voice

An angel with no heart

An oxymoron

A hypocrisy

A paradox

A failure



Keep the balance

Check the posture

Put on that broken mask

Now smile for the camera

Good job, keep that smile

You look great in it

Everyone loves your mask, don't they?

But would they still love me if they knew my thoughts?

Shh...

Quiet the thoughts.

Smile for the camera

Check your posture

Stop crying

Your make-up's running

I said

STOP.

There

That's better

Just touch up the broken mask

Hold on to the pieces until the end

Because at the end

You can rest

So for now

Just work hard
ItxNotTrixh Sep 2018
I don't want to feel anymore.

It always leaves me hurt.

It leaves me broken.

It leaves me lost.



I don't want to talk anymore.

The fake front placed in front of me,

Is suffocating.

I don't know who I am.



I don't want to smile anymore.

Every time I let you get to me,

It always ends with me crying.

It shouldn't.



I don't want to hide anymore.

I don't want to be a subject to your reforms,

I don't want to,

But you force me.



I don't want to live anymore.

I don't want any of the pain,

The tears,

The masks,

None of it.

*
I just want to live without feeling like I was a mistake.
ItxNotTrixh Mar 2019
thats wrong
i just hate the class
its becuase she’s in it
and i can never focus
on the equations and logarithms
becuase
of the way she bites her lip
when trying to solve a problem
how she unconciously fiddles with her carcoal hair
    as she listens to her music
but most of all
becuase she smiles at the face behind me
     who happens to be her boyfriend

if i position myself correctly
its almost like she’s smiling at me.
ItxNotTrixh Feb 2019
the words that used to fly from my thoughts
and onto the paper
seems to be crashing into a window
these days
they’re just not good enough
no thats wrong
thats it
they’re just
“good enough”
not “great”
not “exciting”
not any of the fancy words
that they use after looking
at a thesaurus
these words are just that
a ramble
a thought that never ends
looping
loop-di-looping
over
and over
andovernandoverandover
with no end
no beginning
no plot
no character
just a long blotch
of squiggles
and nothingness
mixed with a bit of confusion
sprinkle on the frustration
and there
you’ve baked the cake we all call
“writers block”

what the heck even is this
ItxNotTrixh Mar 2019
do i like him?
or do i not?
do i like him ?
should i not ?
do i like him ?
with all my heart ?
do i like him ?
with all of his faults ?
do i like him ?
for his eyes
          his nose
             his lips
                his heart ?
or do i like him
because he keeps me from falling apart ?

do i like him ?
or
do i not ?
ItxNotTrixh Mar 8
Hell is a lake of ice that makes His home in the pit of my stomach. His icy air grips the caverns of my chest crawling its way out of my throat, freezing every muscle, every finger, every breath in His path until I am numb until a corpse makes its home within my ribcage.

He is there when I close my eyes. I know His presence when I feel him on my skin—cold, unmoving, rigid as His tenacity that holds me close, a stale embrace, indifferent of friend or foe. But I was born for the summer rain, for heat waves. I was born to ignite, to melt, to sear even in the most immotile voids.

There is a barbaric light within me yet
that screams from rooftops and tumbles downstairs.
The God of fickle life hums a sweet melody into my ear, and it resonates—
      as though in an orotund cave—
      and it echoes—
      like the calls of a wildebeest—
and it erupts out of every crevice within myself until it comes tumbling out, ripping through lilac canvases, etching its obtuse fingerprints onto dead bones, ordering them to arise.

And there is a light within me yet. There is a blinding light within me yet. There is a blinding, smoldering light within me yet. There is a blinding, smoldering, perversely roaring light within me yet, which no amount of harsh winter cold or quiet abyss could conceive to obscure, ringing a cry that reverberates within even the driest of bones.

And there is a light within me yet, begging, desperate, pleading, yearning to be dripped onto my skin and smeared over whatever I may touch
Like a crimson lacquer leaving ivory marks on surfaces—and even on surfaces that touch those—smearing its obscene scream from the Atlas of the world:

I exist.

Like a prayer, And I savor it on my tongue.

I EXIST. I EXIST.
ItxNotTrixh Mar 2019
you whispered to me
your smile shining, warming me
makes me like you more
haikU? WHats thAt??

but honestly though ? it truly mesmerizes me when i find people whoare confident and content with themselves. its veRy atTrActiVe. I honestly wish i could be like that lol. ive been trying, but its kinda hard haha. which, i think, makes me appreciate the value of his words “i am happy with myself” a lot more.
ItxNotTrixh Jul 2020
the way you smelled
the way you laughed
the way you felt in my arms
but i will never forget the voice that whispered in my ear for the first time:

“i love you”
ah. emotions. ah. its cool tho.
ItxNotTrixh Mar 2018
For Him:

Why
Why do these waves of your memories
crash so harshly on my shore?
I see you smiling
Laughing
Was the pain so much to bear?
Why
Why did you leave me?
It hurts so much just looking at you
At what you once were
At what you are to me.
At what you were to yourself.
Why
Why couldn’t I save you?
You screamed until your throat tore
You cried until your tears refused to flow
You prayed for that moment of freedom
Until your last breath
So why couldn’t I see your desperation sooner?
It’s all my fault
I’m sorry.
I’m so sorry.
I don’t deserve this happiness
This happiness that you never felt
I can’t live with all this pain
But time heals.
One day, long after this
You will be but a fleeting memory
A remembrance of days gone by without care
One day I will stop mourning you
One day I will stop listening to your voice.
One day I will forget you.
It may take a month
A year
A decade
I will let you go
But for now, I’ll hold onto you a little longer
I’ll cry a little harder
I’ll scream a little louder
I’ll live a little fuller
I’ll do this all for you
Because
I love you.
ItxNotTrixh Mar 2019
its seems like i always run late
to everything
especially love

by the time i relize
“**** i like him”
im due for a heartbreak.
ItxNotTrixh Feb 2019
One more letter stacks the pile
One more *******, useless letter stacks the pile
"Dear Family..."
It starts
    Last time it was "Dear Friends"
       And the time before that "Whoever the **** is reading this"

You look again at the pile
You look again at the pictures
You look again at the memories
         And you slowly start to put the pen down
        But then you look again at the mirror
        And you see it
        And the words come flooding back

"what's wrong with her?"
        Drip
"You'll never amount to anything!"
                  Drip
"why can't you just be like everyone else?"
                               Drip
"You're not depressed, you're just a coward!"

Coward
The word echoes
             echoes
                     echoes
                                  through your head
Another failure
Wow.
So typical of you.
Why do you keep proving them right?

This is the point where you've always stopped
          Feet at the edge
                      Ready to jump
                                    But also, ready to run away
But there's something different about this night
That made the words hurt more than it should have

Maybe it was your parents
To whom you are just a sick puppy
Maybe it was your friends
Or rather
A lack of them

Maybe... maybe you just had enough
Maybe you were
just
so
tired
of people telling you to
Hurry up and be "fine"

But something
Anything
Made you brave
For once.

The last letter falls to the floor
As your hand goes limp

I
Am
Not
A
Coward

You think
before you mind turns numb

The last letter does not start off with
"Dear family"
Or "Dear Friends"
Or even "To all you *******"
like #26

The last letter
Only has tears
ItxNotTrixh Mar 2019
dont cross it
that invisible line
right there.
youre friends
just friends.
dont cross it.
ItxNotTrixh Sep 2018
Tell me you love me

Tell me you need me

Tell me im special

Tell me all the lies I want to hear

Because I'm happy just being with you

Even if I'm just Friend #4
ItxNotTrixh Sep 2018
I have to be ready to run

When the walls come crashing down

I have to be ready to run

When it starts to flutter

I have to be ready to run

At the first hint of trouble

Because if I don't

You'll step all over my heart again
ItxNotTrixh Feb 2019
It took an army
And several doses of reality
to build the wall
around his heart
but only took one moment
one person
one smile
to bring it crashing down
ItxNotTrixh Feb 2019
I wish you would slip away
From my tightly grasping fingers
I wish i could just say
That i no longer care about you
I wish i could cry
And that it will all be over
I wish our memories would just die
So i will stop being haunted
By the ghost of you.
ItxNotTrixh Mar 2019
I chant the mantra
“Time heals. Time heals. Time. Heals.”
But the tears only flow harder
The hole only grows wider
The pain only grows stronger
If time heals
Why do your memories
Still hurt so much?
ItxNotTrixh Sep 2018
The Boy cries about her on his shoulder

And he lets Him

Even though every single part of him wishes

it was him The Boy was crying about

Not her
ItxNotTrixh Sep 2018
You look at the mirror

                                                                       but to me its a glass

Its the only way I can see you

                       Without wearing my mask

Because without it

         (Am i?)                                           I am a monster.



  When you look at the mirror,

I imagine you are                looKin G               at me

With those eyes that seem to be able

To see through                 e v e r y t h i n g

                                                                    (but not the glass, at least.)



I get scared when your eyes    skim     across mine

I get scared you know what l i e s

Buried, hidden, safely locked away inside                                            (is it?)

               I get scared that you will then discover                                  

That what you look at is indeed glass

                                                                             not mirror



I can never let you go              (or cradle you by my side)



i can never break from this    

                                       curse

no matter how h a r d          I try



You feel my presence

but in the end

y o u d o n t c a r e

so should i leave this glass?

no

i

i

i  think i'll just stay there

just a little longer

just until our eyes finally lock

just until this dream ends
ItxNotTrixh Mar 2019
cold christmas morning
waking up to dawn’s darkness
my bed misses you.
ItxNotTrixh Feb 2019
maybe now i can finally
fall asleep
before the demons in my head
wake up.
ItxNotTrixh Aug 2019
Color me purple
Fill me with those reds and blues
Paint over me
with those gentle lavender hues
draw me like one of those sunsets
that makes you cry
color me purple
color me whole
color me a picture-perfect painting
my love, i beg you
color me.
its been a while hasnt it ?
purple is just one of those colors that just soaks into me i guess ? idk im painting my room and its bringing back some memories i guess :/oof
ItxNotTrixh Mar 2019
sometimes breathing
and drowning
mean the same thing
ItxNotTrixh Jul 2020
are we all just broken people
trying to fit our broken pieces together
to make each other whole?
tell me
because i dont think its working.
we’re just falling apart
faster than before.
ItxNotTrixh Mar 2019
You are like a cold, rainy day
That runs down my back
    Into my soul
   Drowning me
The suffocating rain
The comforting rain
The rain that makes my heart go
     /Ba-dump/
Making me realize
That maybe i am capable of loving
And being loved.
ItxNotTrixh Mar 2019
i wish i could say im excited
but i cant help but feel
a little overwhelmed
by this game of tag
the future and i
are playing
becuase im oh so close
to being “it”
ItxNotTrixh May 2020
she tosses her hands
     but shes still left with her head
she tosses that too
     but shes still left with her heart
she tosses her heart
     but it still hurts like hell
so she tosses herself
     and now there's nothing left
     to toss.
inspired by richard siken's "seaside improvisation"
ItxNotTrixh Feb 2019
Trust me
Im ok
Pain?
Oh no im not in pain
I have been running for a while though...
No no ! Its okay
Im alright
Just a bit exhausted...
...I want to stop...
everything
hurts
so
much...
—oh what?
Ha ha im just kidding!
did you really believe that !!
XDDDDDDDDDDDDD
Dont worry i’ll keep running
...if you want me to...
oh.
you want me to?
Oh no! Im not complaining!
Ha ha sorry if it came out like that
Its just that...

...never mind.

lol seriously
dont worry
im fine
trust me.
ItxNotTrixh Apr 2019
i really do hate those words
theyre like venom
invading all my thoughts
poisoning them
turning them

“why cant you do this?”
“why cant you be this?”
“why cant you?”

how am i supposed to answer that ?

“becuase im weak”
“because i am not what you want”
“because i have come to hate my own skin”

is this what you want to hear?

mirror mirror on the wall
who is that staring back at you
who is that failure
who is that mirage
who is that coward
and why cant she just be
anything but herself ?
i dont even know
i tried a different style kind of than what im used to its more like abrupt thoughts than fluid motion? idk...im just...really frusterated and i feel like i burden everyone in my life with my problems so i cant tell them...i feel utterly worthless...please dont pity me or hate me...i have had enough of that...i just wish someone would understand and help pick up the broken pieces of myself without acting as if it was a burden...i feel like an arrogant ***** after saying that...i just...dont know anymore you guys...
ItxNotTrixh Oct 2018
The words
At the tip of my tongue
ready to burst
if needed

But then the eyes bear
and from the tip they travel
down
       down
             down
Uncertainly settling in my stomach

"What's wrong?"
"Cat got your tongue?"
And they come back again
they do
      (those words that cant seem
      to stay still)

They crawl up my throat
suffocating me
And then the words in my head
join in too

I cant breathe
    I cant breathe
       I. Cant. Breathe.
My eyes scream
      "HELP ME"
but they ignore
and instead their eyes scream back
l a u g h t e r

pleasejustdisappeardisappeardisappeardisappeardisappeardisappe­ardisappeardisappeardisappeardisappeardisappeardisappeardisappear­disappeardisappearDISAPPEARDISAPPEARDISAPPEARDISAPPEARDISAPPEARDI­SAPPEARDISAPPEARDISAPPEARDISAPPEARDISAPPEARDISAPPEARDISAPPEARDISA­PPEARDISAPPEARDISAPPEARDISAPPEAR

                               ­           D I S A P P E A R

and by some miracle
they do...

no
not a miracle
i soon realize
but out of b o r e d o m
out of d i s s a p o i n t m e n t

and thats when the words
                  (that cant seem to stay still)
finally leave my mouth
in a whisper


they say
       "im sorry"
ItxNotTrixh Sep 2018
I see it in the sunset,

The brightness so warm and comforting,

Before it slowly fades to darkness,

Leaving me alone in the dust.

It smells like musk,

The innocence of it

Covered by dreams and fantasies.

Nostalgia.



I can taste its bittersweet flavor,

Tingling in my *****.

Our best memories

Bringing tears and sorrow.

I can feel it in my heart,

The way it tugs and turns,

Reaching out to the past

Its burning passion doused by my tears.



I can hear it in everything,

Yearning to break me.

Everywhere I turn its voice calls to me

Reminding me of what I lost.

No matter how much I yearn for it

How much I struggle,

We will never be able to stay young forever.

— The End —