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869 · Jun 2015
I Need A Fucking Cigarette
AJ Jun 2015
Oh my god,
**** THAT.

**** the apathy
And the mental breakdowns
And the fake it till you make it.

We're not fifteen anymore.
Getting drunk and falling asleep,
******* and watching the L Word.

You're not Shane,
And I'm not ******* Jenny.
She dies, you know.
And I like men and women,
So it doesn't even make sense.
I should have been Alice.

******* feel something with me.
God ******* **** it.
I'm not crying to iron & wine.
I don't want to feel this weak anymore.
*******.
We're adults.
I guess no one told you.
862 · Jun 2013
Drama Queen
AJ Jun 2013
Today I slept till noon.
I never do this and it scared me a lot.
The whole day was gone.
I have felt empty ever since.

Today I cooked some pasta.
It didn't stick and tasted very good.
I ate way too much.
I have felt sick ever since.

Today I had a breakdown.
I screamed and cried and threw a fit.
I broke a picture frame.
I've felt tragic ever since.
861 · Jan 2015
Novicane
AJ Jan 2015
I'm just empty now.
But there are a few holes.
So I can't contain much.
Unless you are rock solid.
I used to be a good vessel.
I used to let you fill me.
But now things will just get messy.
861 · Oct 2013
Trick or Treat Question
AJ Oct 2013
I was like ice floating on water.
At first I was above it all.
I knew what would happen.
As time went on
I fell apart.
I melted under pressure.
I faded into the crowd.
860 · Sep 2013
Son X
AJ Sep 2013
Collin has developed a new love for salads.
I could not be more pleased.
He does have to cover them in cheese,
But ghosts can't really become obese...
So I will take what I can get.
There is another ghost boy in our building.
His name is Jordan,
He is five and he has lived here for two years.
They play together when I'm busy.
Jordan is very tough,
So I have been teaching Collin to hold his own.
No one will push my baby around.
He's too special for that.
Other stories about Collin can be found in the collection "Son", which you can find if you look in the notes down below.
860 · Jan 2015
Eleven Empty Coffee Cups
AJ Jan 2015
It all used to be really simple.
And I'm not talking about
Crayons and sandboxes simple.
I mean,
These people will take care of you,
And these people will love you,
Everything is familiar
And soothing
And unified
And simple.

I'm just a casualty of a war that happened miles away.
I'm not sure of any of the details.
And the aftermath is foggy as well.
I just don't know what happened.
Just that everyone is gone.
Every one who used to love and take care of me.
And who I loved and took care of.

I don't long for sandboxes and crayon simplicity.
Just a time where things were....
When we all were.....
When I knew what the **** was going on.
AJ May 2015
I am beautiful,
And I am life consuming.

I am a wild night,
With tequila
And **** strangers
And uncomfortable
Heels and Lingerie.
Loud music,
Sweat and kisses and mystery.

I am a lazy morning.
Cartoons and pancakes,
Large cup of coffee
And the front page of a newspaper.

I am ***.
I am chocolate.
I am electricity.
I am a weak pulse,
And strong urges.

I am a princess.
I am unstoppable.

Don't get comfortable.
I'll make you squirm.
854 · Jun 2013
Desperation
AJ Jun 2013
I feel like ****.
Screaming doesn't make it better.
Crying doesn't make it better.
Take a walk and clear my mind.
Smoke a cigarette.
Nothing feels any better.
It's that feeling of desperation that clings to you,
Like wet clothes after a down pour.
It will only get better if I change my clothes.
But in order to do that I must get naked first,
Vulnerable.
And that could quite possibly be worse.
So I will sit here crying,
Waiting for them to dry.
But you forgot to tell me to get out of the rain first.
AJ Jan 2014
I was supposed to unpack all this stuff a few days ago.
But all I can manage to do is sleep and drink
And connect the dots that your actions left on my thighs.
Why did you leave me all these tally marks, anyway?
AJ Nov 2016
I'm not sure if it's all just contrived,
But I'm trying.
I no longer care about pride,
But I guess I'm lying.

It's not easy to sit here,
And force the inside of my mind
To flood out of my fingertips.
But I'm trying.

I'd say it's complicated,
But I guess I'm lying.
839 · Jan 2016
Rational and Casual
AJ Jan 2016
Have you ever reached out to touch something,
That is simply not within your reach?
I feel so stupid,
Lying on my back,
Looking at a ceiling that used to feel taller.
Which is weird because as a matter of fact,
It now seems lower than when I was smaller.

I'm not saying it's a metaphor,
But I had asked the universe for a sign.

I can just hear your stupid voice in the back of my head.
Saying some stupid joke or a play on words.
"Be careful my dear,
Objects aren't always closer than they appear."
AJ Dec 2014
I think,
If we ******,
It would be amazing.
And you would fall in love with me.
I'm like giant crashing ocean waves.
And I will pull you under
No matter how well you can swim.
I would enjoy every minute.
835 · Jun 2013
My Best Friend
AJ Jun 2013
You used to have conversations with the beach.
"How are you this year?"
"I am getting older, and I do not think I like it."
"Just feel my waves, it will make you feel better."
And it did make you feel better.
No one else ever reached out to comfort you.
Even drowning is a nice hug.
Not too cool, but not warm at all.
The little boy trying to fly a kite
With no wind in sight
Never gives up
His hope of its flight.
The beach was your best friend.
834 · Apr 2015
Nine Words Or Less
AJ Apr 2015
I don't know anymore,
Even the biggest waves crash.
831 · Jun 2013
Incidentally
AJ Jun 2013
I got lost today.
I didn't mind one bit.
I wasn't late for anything,
And I had plenty of gas in my tank.
It felt good to wander around.
To have no cell service.
No one knows where I am,
Not even me.
AJ Aug 2014
Isn't spell check great?
I drink like a great writer.

Don't misquote me now dear.

You're great. You're great. You're great.

Now someone come flirt with me.
831 · Jun 2013
But I Can't Sleep
AJ Jun 2013
I am too hot.
All of my joints need to be reset.
All of my muscles need to be stretched,
It is too loud.
I need a cup of tea.
I need a different blanket.
The fan needs to be on high.
I need to sleep on my stomach.
I need two pillows.
I need to sleep on my side,
Now I am too cold.
AJ Feb 2016
I hope he's wearing protection
As he ***** you over.

Hypocrites,
Loud trucks backfiring,
And poor choices.
I thought by the time you hit this age,
You would have ended your rebellious teen stage.
But I guess it's a permanent personality trait.
The devil stole your breath away,
Refused to let your split the check,
And carried you back to his place for drinks.
827 · Jul 2014
Ohhhhh no!
AJ Jul 2014
I tried a new poetry website today.
Poetry.com
It was awful and they gave ****** advice.
The gave no cares at all.

I am so sorry I strayed from you, hellopoetry.
Poets here are so much better.
Actually taking interest in the things that other's write.

Ugh.
824 · Nov 2013
I Just Can't
AJ Nov 2013
Thinking of you
Makes me feel really sick.
I changed my mind.
So don't, baby, don't.
817 · May 2017
AAA
AJ May 2017
AAA
I'm trying
I think.

I'm not sure where I am,
Where I'm supposed to be,
Or how long I'll be here.

The GPS is still recalculating
The engine won't turn over.
I have not reached my destination.
I am not in a safe location.

There is not a story that I should be writing.
There is no writing on the walls.
There is not a forth wall to be broken.
And if it's not broken, then I can't fix it.
AJ Aug 2014
You were a heartbreak.

Mothers in waiting rooms of the ER.
Fallen ice cream cones.

Didn't know whether to cradle you,
Or revolt.
I chose both.
813 · Jun 2013
Big Bad Human
AJ Jun 2013
Cards down
Shields off till you're vulnerable.
Drink one more sip until your comfortable.
Conversations with the fascination of no shield. Never yielded to a point.
Innocence is the question, you revoked the answer.

Pool table nightmares for the girl who once had no fears. Your laughter is like
a diamond, the only thing that can cut the glass. Now she's the one that can't
wear white with class.

Big bad wolf stopped little red. "Would you rather be sad, or would you rather be dead?"
"I'd rather be nothing", the little girl said. Now sad on the outside, and inside she's dead.
808 · Oct 2015
Son XX
AJ Oct 2015
Collin is still four.
If you haven  read any of our poems,
In my collection "Son",
You would know that Collin is my little ghost baby.

Collin is four,
And my absolute pride and joy.
Tiny ghost hands,
And a tiny heart beat.
I kind of like,
How he isn't going to grow any bigger.
We moved yet again, this September.
To another state completely.

Collin doesn't mind.
He quite likes Rhode Island.
He likes the train station
And the little ghost girl who lives there.
He now wants a sister,
Of course.

But she's only three,
And I didn't just find Collin,
He chose me.
I just wouldn't know how to go about it.
So we'll see.
803 · Sep 2013
Son XII
AJ Sep 2013
Collin had a bit of a melt down a few minutes ago
He is in time out now.
You can't just spill juice on the floor, Collin.
No ghost tricks without my permission.
Four year olds are the biggest handfuls.
I am ignoring his constant attempts to get my attention.
Ugh
Parenting.
Other stories about Collin can be found in the collection "Son", which you can find if you look in the notes down below.
803 · Nov 2013
Don't Call Me That
AJ Nov 2013
Maybe if I drown myself
In black coffee and expensive cigarettes,
I can forget that I am destined
To always be trash.
If I strive high enough,
One day I might even make it to average.
Even that is just a pipe dream, though.
798 · Nov 2014
Enervation
AJ Nov 2014
My mind, my memories, and my nostalgia
Resemble into one of those
Boards they make when a crime is committed.

Cork boards with crumpled family photos
Pinned helpless with a rusty push pin.

Profiles of everyone who I loved
And everyone who loved me.

Lines drawn in blood connecting all of the events.
Everything chronological.

The gory, ******, close ups.
From when all of these scars were in the making.

Maps with X's and O's.
Like holiday cards from my grandmother.

Sporadic, confusing, and painful for anyone to look at.
Grusem and misleading.
Can't be fixed.
Can't be helped.
Can't be solved.

Soon to be a cold case file.
797 · Dec 2013
Dry
AJ Dec 2013
Dry
Dry
Empty
Running out
Of alcohol.
797 · Jan 2016
6:57
AJ Jan 2016
My stomach is so tight
If there were any butterflies in there,
They're probably dead now.

The room is spinning
Spinning and bobbing and weaving,
Weaving webs and stories and lies.

Don't threaten me.
794 · Aug 2013
Nie Wiem
AJ Aug 2013
Co ja tutaj robię?
791 · Sep 2016
Xxoo
AJ Sep 2016
No matter how much I am moving,
I feel as though I am standing completely still.
I do not know which I am imagining,
And which is the truth.
What I want is either deafening noise or deafening silence.
They both terrify me so I do not know which is worse,
But I already feel the infinite volume of one.

I've been seeing in black in white,
I've been living in stolen houses,
I've been drinking forgotten liquor.



Let me out.
Let me out.
Let me out.
Let me in.
Yes, I'm still here.
791 · Sep 2013
Get Out of My Place
AJ Sep 2013
I was literally *****
Over four years ago,
And I'm not over it yet.
I feel so ******* defeated.
And I've neer stop thinking
"I might as well just **** myself now,
Because this is pretty ******* pathetic."
But I'm still here.
And I think I regret the decision
To stay in this world.
But I'm not sure.
I'm just so ******* defeated.
And I know it's up to me to fix my problems
And be my own hero
And put positivity into my life.
But I tried
And I can't
And I'm weak.
And I realize it's supposed to be hard.
But I actually can't do it.
I hate him.
And I hate you.
And I hate who I am.
And I hate
I hate
I hate.
783 · Apr 2014
Baby Feet
AJ Apr 2014
I bleed and I purge,
Because when I do
More leeves my body and my soul
Than just blood and *****.
The white blood cells cannot
Fight off my self hatred
Your hatred
The lies
The insecurities
The words anyone ever said
Everything I've ever heard
Ever over heard.
The bruises I get from you all might vanish
But they poison my blood.
And every meal I eat with anyone,
And with myself
It is poison.
I bleed out thousands of pounds.
I regurgitate the words I heard
As you held me down on that pool table at the party
And as you showed up drunk to my basketball game when I was 13
And as all of you stood outside my door bashing me.

But it's all a virus.
I can't get rid of all of it,
And everything multiplies.
It grows.
It fills me up
And it's why I'm so big.
781 · Feb 2014
Kawa
AJ Feb 2014
I cant even feel one of my arms.
I think I hear a fan.
I'm not sure anymore.
About anything.
****.
781 · Jan 2016
Radio Stations
AJ Jan 2016
My floral dress,
The pink and grey one with the collar,
Is hanging from the clothes line.

Your ***** martini,
Shaken not stirred,
Is creating a ring on the coffee table.

I was expecting
*** on a bearskin rug in front of the fireplace
Kind off magic.

But you're late again.
Imagery doesn't matter when you're this ****** up.
780 · Jun 2016
Tidal Waves and Tide Pools
AJ Jun 2016
Ocean water tears.
Fast food french fries.
Abnormal Psychology.
Reset to Default.
Mike's harder black cherry lemonade.
Hotel mini bars.
778 · Sep 2013
A Queen for His Majesty
AJ Sep 2013
Sometimes I wonder
If I take pride in being a tragedy.
And then I catch myself
Staring at the ceiling,
Too drained to even sit up.
And that's when I see
That I might have built this room,
And filled it to the brim with hell,
And entered it with my own free will,
But I wasn't the one who locked the door.
I hate
I hate
I hate
I hate
I hate.
I said I hate.
773 · Aug 2015
Kurwa
AJ Aug 2015
That awkward moment
When your ****** gets a girl pregnant
And gets engaged.

And your just sitting drunk,
And ****** up,
On the floor of your old bedroom
In your parent’s house.
Listening to Avril Lavigne and Iron and Wine.

Just ****** up.
770 · Nov 2013
DON'T TOUCH ME
AJ Nov 2013
I don't know what I'm doing.  
Going back to my parent's house to look through
Childhood photos and high school yearbooks.
It's not working.
I can't stop spinning.
Everyone always says childhood is the best time of your life
Then high school,
Then your twenties.
Which time is the best?
A lot of it has already past.
I didn't do it right, did I?
Where am I?
Too many drugs, too little time.
What is happening?
****.
****.
****.
My golden years where more like sterling silver.
764 · Oct 2013
Thanks I Guess
AJ Oct 2013
It's hard to pretend not to be offended
By someone you respect
And love more than anything,
More than the moon,
Telling you that you're bad
At something you know you're amazing at.
I'm sorry it all doesn't rhyme in an AABBCCDDEE
Ballad formation.
I didn't know it made me a bad poet.
To try to make people feel things with what I write.

Do you all think my poetry *****?
Because I don't think I write it for any of you anyways.
Am I sorry for that?
759 · Jun 2013
Burnt
AJ Jun 2013
Today I burned three of my fingers.
I am being a very big baby about it.
When I was a baby I touched a lawn mower,
And burned the same exact fingers.
I did not complain or cry nearly as much back then.
Maybe I am Benjamin Button,
Only,
My body doesn't show it.
756 · Mar 2015
Unreasonable
AJ Mar 2015
I feel ice cold and a bit cloudy.
Like mango juice and *****.
Adulthood? Do you mean spending forty dollars on carrots, milk, and shampoo and then crying.
752 · Feb 2015
The Gambler
AJ Feb 2015
There was so much building up,
I was expecting more of a rocket launch.
But I was wildly mislead.
It was more of a wipe out.
And now I'm stuck.
Half in the snow bank,
And half in the middle of the road.
Either way I'm backing up traffic.

How fitting.
AJ Oct 2013
Kicking and screaming.
Just leave me be.
Please stop.
Take my innocence.
I don't care anymore.
Just go away.

Now I'm Kicking and screaming
Just leave me be.
Let me die.
Forget me and move on.
I can't do it anymore.
Just let me die.
White Walls
White Thoughts
Close Your Eyes
But Don't Get Caught
746 · Apr 2014
Lody
AJ Apr 2014
Children pinch there skin
And think that they are looking
At the dinner they finished six minutes ago.
And they hate themselves.
They hate there bodies for needing food.
They hate their parent's for feeding them.
They hate themselves
For their cute pink pinch able cheeks, and full bellies.
They hate everyone who's ever said
"Someone must have been hungry."

And they never grow out of it.

They skip more than just dessert,
They cut more than construction paper,
They ingest more pills than food.
They hate it. They hate it. They hate everything.
THEY HATE IT.
THEY HATE IT.
THEY HATE EVERYTHING.
They hate themselves.

You can't just come back from something like that.
They'll leave home one day,
And with no one telling them to eat,
They won't.
With no one to watch them,
They'll bleed dry.

You can't just come back from something like that.
744 · Jul 2016
Kropki Kreski
AJ Jul 2016
It's late enough that it's quiet
But not enough that is silent,
And I hate that.
The dogs are lying at my feet.
They feel like gargoyles,
But maybe more menacing.
I'm just waiting for midnight to roll around,
So that I can steal my silent hours.
Sleep is not the only way to recharge.
I guess the song in the title doesn't really fit the poem,
But maybe it's fitting my mood?

See you later alligator.
To początek, wschód słońc
I drżenie w kącikach ust
Wielkie oczy ma strach
Palcem pogrożę mu
AJ May 2015
I'm not sure what time it is.
Especially not right now.
There is no "right now".

By the time we can calculate
The exact millisecond of right now,
It's already over.
733 · Jul 2013
Son II
AJ Jul 2013
There's a little boy named Collin,
Who lives just outside my head.
He asked me to share our secret.
And that secret is, he's dead.

He lives in my peripheral vision,
And vacations in my dreams.
Sometimes he's very sad,
But he's not as lonely as he seems.

He tells me stories of his other mom,
Her name, in fact, was Kim,
She loved him very much you see,
But she could not save him.

Collin burnt up one day,
When a bad man bombed a church,
He cries when I sing him hymns,
He tells me that it hurts.

I let him cry on my lap,
And I tell him about that moon,
And in my dreams, if he wanted,
He could go there very soon.

We stayed there for three days,
And we ate all the moon cheese,
But when it was time to go home,
Collin wasn't pleased.

We have a summer home there now.
Other stories about Collin can be found in the collection "Son", which you can find if you look in the notes down below.
AJ Jun 2013
Is it too much to ask for someone to give a ****?
You are not blind.
You can see how ****** up I am.
You all can.
I can't ask for help again,
Because that does absolutely nothing.
Maybe if I stop cutting my legs,
And start cutting my wrists.
Maybe if I get drunk at 8 am.
Maybe if I start doing coke off the kitchen table again,
And waking up at 1 pm,
And staying in all day long.
And leave empty bottles of nyquil around my place,
Just for you to see.
What the **** do I have to do to get some ******* help?
728 · Aug 2015
"Are You Sure?"
AJ Aug 2015
I feel like every time I talk about him,
I use the wrong word.
When I say "******",
I feel like I'm giving him a paper bag,
Under which he can hide,
And distance himself from what he's done.
It feels like a type of absolution.

His name is Bryan.
He is a six foot and two inches tall monster,
That I wish lived only in my dreams.
He rides a motorcycle,
Has a dog named Gilbert,
And smokes unfiltered camels.

And I was wrong.
He is not a monster,
He is a person.
And he is not just a stupid boy,
He is a man.
And he is not just the generic term "******".

He is a human being who is seriously ****** up and I'm not going to give him the privilege of having his name withheld from my story.
So yes, I'm ******* sure.
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