i never thought i could love or be loved, never thought i could allow anyone to see anything beyond what i specifically offered them. it has forced such direct openness and a selflessness i once was so deeply uncomfortable with. i’m becoming less afraid of someone seeing me so incredibly fragile and weak, unsure about so much, broken down by little things i've been too embarrassed to talk about, thinking they were too small and inconvenient for others to hear. i thought about running, like i usually do, hiding and pretending i didn’t feel anything, that i wasn’t hurting from past mistakes and heartbreaks, like i wasn’t in need of someone to look at me like he does. it’s always been easier. i’d let myself spiral alone, shut people out, pretend as if none of this sadness was destroying me. i didn’t go inwards. i’m feeding into a different vision, i try to believe it every day. i was so sure the future would be me and me alone. i’m trying to believe i won’t be abandoned as brutally as i’ve been before. finally, someone has said to me, without hesitation that they will hear me, and will hold my hand and will keep holding no matter how hard i bite down on it from fright. numbness made me so cruel, i’m learning to lessen the aggression i’ve lived with for so long.
i was so distressed by the idea of being seen as human, of being seen as someone that can be had, be held and be touched. it still scares me, but i’m learning to not be so scared. i don’t feel so agonisingly alone anymore. it’s terrifying, feeling so much comfort, i haven’t felt it in so long, maybe never before. his smile, his laugh, his voice, his hair, his eyes, his body. they’re comfort. it’s hard, there’s anxieties that come with it, anxieties i never thought i’d feel for another living person. i think about how he feels everyday, what he’s doing, whether i’ve hurt him, whether he’s happy, whether he still wants me, every single second of every day there’s an alarm going off in my mind about him, making sure to check in with myself about whether i’m doing right by him, whether i’m doing good enough, whether i’m trying hard enough. ultimately, it’s like a hand, touching a heart that didn’t know it could still feel anything real. it thinks it’s going to die, pressure from thoughts so crippling and thoughts so warm, it doesn’t know how to respond. for the first time, even with all the fear and worry, i can’t really begin to explain how beautiful it all is. i’m becoming more accepting of the complete destruction that would come out of losing him.