i deserve
someone
that will
at least
say
goodbye

hit me
it would sting
less
than you
walking away

yell at me
it would be
quieter
than you
avoiding my eyes

**** me
it would
be more
merciful
than you
pretending you love me

those three words
hurt me
more than losing you
ever did

and you never even
said them to me

for every scar
you've made
on my heart

i've pinned an apology note
so that it knows
everything was my fault

i used to look like a whisper

soft and fragile
barely more than silence
trying so hard not to disturb
afraid to break

now when people look at me, they see a scream

loud and unforgiving
filling the space with indignation
no pauses, no hesitation
breaking everything

but i can't see me. i can just listen.
i sound like fingernails biting palms

the hair lands, making black rings in the bathroom
it looks longer when it's severed
more alive on the floor than it ever was on my head
somehow more elegant framing the tile than my face

i just looked
not meeting my eyes in the mirror

when it was all gone
out of sight down the drain, or in the trash
i finally looked at myself

nothing softening my face
nothing distracting from my harsh features
nothing covering up my insecurities
nothing to hide my fear

but this way
it feels real