I have lived in hell,
I called it love.
I was told by him,
It was me who turned our heaven into hell.
Now though as the fog is fading,
I know.
I know it wasn't me at all.

I was not to blame for being strangled.
I was not to blame for being dragged into the darkness of a football field at midnight.
For believing that this is where I would die.
Beaten in a field so close to home,
With my pants around my ankles.
After he ***** me, strangled me.
After he punched my face, hit me with what ever would hurt.

It was not my fault he whipped me, chased me down streets while I cried.
While I prayed for safety.
It was not my fault he lied about me.
It was on him, the bite marks, the concussions.
The way he destroyed everything I owned.
Everything I was.

It is his fault what he did.
But what is on me is what I am still allowing him to do.
I am still afraid to be alone,
I will look over my shoulders as if his eyes are watching my every move.
I am certain that one day my family will be notified of my death.
I am not sure how i change that.

I let his words consume me,
I dont feel lovable, maybe everyone is better in bed than me.
Perhaps I am just this ugly, useless repulsive joke.
Perhaps anyone who may fall for me,
Or who I fall for will hate me within a day or two.
Because I am such a pathetic waste.
I am stupid, I am fat, I am worthless.
These thoughts and the scars are what remain of my hell.

I am wanting to move forward, be normal, believe in happiness and people that are good inside.
I want to believe there is actually good in me.
But i am so afraid, what if there is truth in his words?
What if I deserved the nightmare's?
What if I caused the violence?

Cause all I really want is to lay beside you,
Someone new, someone genuine.
I want to know that I am not just a joke to you
That you actually want to kiss me ad much as I want to kiss you.
I just need you to know,
That right now I don't expect forever, and I dont need an I love you.
I just want honesty, I want to be able to not be a disappointment to you.
I want you to like who I am, and to not play games.

Because I am trying to heal myself and just need you to know
That I dont want to learn that he was right
And I was wrong.

Here I am, trying to play it cool.
Fooling no one, especially not you.
I can't pretend I don't like everything about you right now.
But I also can't pretend I am not scared as hell to show you who I am.
Your eyes are amazingly haunting,
And your smile shows a good nature.

But I also will never feel good enough,
Ill never feel as if I am the one who is wanted by anyone.
I like you, but that scares me so much right now.
Cause I fear that my issues will end us before we begin.

I miss the way you used to talk to me.
I miss you used to respect me,
and my opinion.
I miss feeling like we were inseparable.
I miss you and I,
I miss me.

You used to look at me,
and I wouldn't see any anger or resentment.
I used to not just seem to frustrate you.

I feel really alone right now.
I just want you to see me how you used to
So then maybe I wouldnt be such a stranger to myself.

It is really hard, being broken, damaged goods.
Ruining everything in your path.
I am sorry I am such a burden now.
I am sorry I am such a disappointment.

"I am on my way" you text me.
I sit here, awaiting for you to come home.
I want to cuddle, I want to talk.
I want to laugh with you, and joke around.

Then, the hours pass and I am still alone.
I ask you again, "where are you?"
this time there is no answer.
I am still alone.

It's not that I'm interested in who is calling you,
but when your phone rings, and you cover it.
So I don't see the call display,
I am gonna think.
I have been here before.

When is the last time you rushed home to me?
When you thought we were gonna be separated,
did you make extra time for me?
I am not stupid, but I am insecure,
and for good reasons.

How do you think you would feel?

Time, after time being told, "I am minutes away"
and then you wake up hours later, alone.
You fall asleep alone,
You wake up alone.
Wanting someone to want to make time for you.

They just tell you, that you are silly.
For thinking and feeling what you feel.
Your pain that is in your heart, just gets blown off.

I realize I am not fun anymore,
I realize I have anything you want to listen to.
I realize that I am not as hot as I used to be,
you dont want to have me on your arm.
I realize I am not what I used to be at all.

I cry all the time, and I sit alone.
I sit here, with all my insecurities.
No one who makes me a priority or who just wants me around.
I get worse, and worse and worse.

Every night I just wish that you would treat me like you used to.
Cause then maybe,
I could become a little of who I used to be.

Instead, I am here hidden.
Waiting endless, lonely, painful hours for you.

I feel like I should not feel this way.
I feel like it is imperative the I don't,
in all honesty.
I want to touch you,
I want to kiss you.
I want to be asleep,
with your breath on my neck.
I want your beautiful eyes,
staring into mine.

I want to feel complete again.
I want to know,
without a doubt in my mind,
what true love is.

I shouldn't need you,
like I do.
But I am still here,
needing you anyways.
I shouldn't miss you like I do.
Here I am though,
day after empty day.
With you haunting my mind.
Stealing all other thoughts,
and cares from me.
I shouldn't love you this much.
So please, Why?
Why can't I just stop loving you?

Why do I wait for your arms,
to be around me?
Why can't I just let anyone else,
touch me, or feel my skin?
Or get close to me at all?
It feels so wrong,
Like I would be betraying myself.
Like I would be destroying my world,
and every thing inside of it.

It is you that remains everything to me.

You are the only arms I want holding me close.
Like I am the only thing in life worth holding onto.
You are the only lips I want on mine, or my skin.
You are the only one I want inside of me.

No matter what you have done.
No matter what logic I may know.
No matter what I do,
or what I tell myself.
Or how many times I wake up,
telling myself over and over and over again,
I shouldn't love you so much,
that my heart only sees you.
I shouldn't miss you so much,
I just feel empty.
I still do.

It never changes.
My heart refuses to let you go.
I sit here, all alone.
Trying to rebuild myself.
Hoping you go to sleep every night,
With me as the last thought that crosses your mind.
My face in your dreams,
like yours is in all of mine.
Hearing my voice,
sometimes all I hear is you.
Will this pass in time?
Or will our toxic love
just haunt me forever?

Will I stay forever loving,
Forever missing you?