The days are filled with silence
I spend sunlight on finding answers
Waiting hours on end for night to fall
Hoping another day will carry chances

I used to sing my heart out
When I was left alone at home
Now I fear that someone might hear me
That someone is me, oh no

How did I go
From melody to nothing
Years of dreaming
To losing everything

How will I rise
From nothing to something
Years of learning
Have I forgotten to sing?

The nights are filled with demons
I spend moonlight on finding angels
Waiting hours on end for the morning
Hoping I'd wake up to a sequel

I've only lived half of what I can
I've only dreamed half of what I am
I've only sang half of what I understand
I only, only, only... just began...

How did I go
From melody to nothing
Years of dreaming
To losing everything

How will I rise
From nothing to something
Years of learning
Have I forgotten to sing?

The poet lives two lives.
One on the outside,
And one in their mind.

When you look in their eyes
You could see an abyss.

If you looked long enough
You could sink into it.

But most people don’t see it.

Take the time to read the words, though,
And you would know for sure.

The poet lives in two different worlds.

We cannot write silence.
The beats.
The pause.
The breath.
The way it aches
and persists

and begs that,

if only for a moment,

our consciousness is only a whisper.
our bodies,
our lips,
the air that passes through falling chests
and stillness.

A melody of emotion.
Sleeping in the quiet of a heartbeat skipped
a word lost to the wind.

The wickedness of reticence
Encapsulated in air and time.

The moment stretched too long.
Hesitation perpetuated in the grip of fingernails
pressed into palms.

We cannot write silence,
but we can try.

to find a way to immortalize emotion
to create space
in the ceaseless drone of words that speak and spin.

I cannot write silence. But I can write
tears and years
and the burn of long-stretched lies.

I can write goodbyes and hellos
And dozen ways to say
I love to hate you
Or
I hate to love you
and sometimes
I cannot tell the difference.
Silence.
The space I have upheld for myself.

I love to hate you
Heart.

I hate to love you too.

I cannot write silence.
But I know it.
and I have held it in my hand.

Who said,
We must love more than once,
To know what love is?

Who said,
We must kiss more than one,
To know it is worth our heart?

Who said,
We have time to experiment,
To know if it'd grow into something better?

Who said,
We can dabble in variety,
To filter out what's best for us?

Who said,
Love isn't love if it's our first,
Or last - who really knows?

Who really knows,
If it's love,
If it's worth my heart,
If it deserves my short life,
If it's best for me,
If it's me first and last,
But me?

When we were kids,
We just couldn't rest.
We'd wake up early,
Coz each day was a fest.
The younger we were,
The less we slept.
We felt waking up was better,
There was much to test!

The more we learned,
The more we knew,
The more we heard,
That more became true.
The less we observed,
The less we grew,
The less we listened,
This less became true.

We learned to wait,
We learned about patience.
We designed ourselves to fit in,
Whilst we outwaited our creations.
We began to yearn for time,
We began to yearn for another chance.
We began to yearn for what we once had,
We began to blame it on finance.

We spent our first few years unafraid,
Didn't we know then that we were in an ocean?
We didn't stop to think of that, did we?
We just continued to join the waves in motion.

We didn't know fear,
Until we reached for something others couldn't.
We didn't know fear,
Until we yearned for something others didn't.
We didn't know fear,
Until we waited in hope, whilst others didn't.
We didn't know fear,
Until the rainbows we saw weren't our own.

Now time is running out,
We're in yet another decade.
We've been through hell and back,
But we've reached this age, still afraid.
We wake up everyday with reluctance,
We don't want to face our duties.
We muster it up and turn on auto-pilot,
We let ourselves become our own refugees.

We've forgotten how we awoke,
6am every Christmas morning,
Run downstairs to see Santa's gifts,
Our tummies all butterflicious, hearts warming.
We've forgotten how we felt excited,
To face each day with the unknown
Each year taught us to be less dependent,
Leading up to the writings on our headstone.

Isn't it time we were born again, everyday?
Just so we once again embrace what we don't know?
With something new to look forward to,
Would we not find this lost joy and our own rainbow?

I trusted you.
I trusted that even if I let go of your hand,
you'd never let go of mine.

I trusted you.
I trusted that you would listen to understand,
not listen only to retaliate.

I trusted you.
I trusted that you were my go to person,
not the one who had to walk away from me.

I trusted you.
I trusted that you would argue until it's fixed,
not punish me with silence and distance.

I trusted you.
I trusted that you would stay with me,
not walk out of the house and not come back.

I trusted you.
I trusted that you would come back wanting me,
not back only coz I asked you to return.

I trusted you.
I trusted that you want me even through this,
not just be with me coz you have to.

I trusted you.
I trusted that you love and care for me,
not just said so and still had the courage to walk out.

I trusted you.
or maybe that wasn't trust.

Perhaps...

I assumed you.
I assumed that you'd hold my hand,
even if I'd let go.

I assumed that you listen and understand me,
even if you're only going to retaliate.

I assumed that you were my go to person,
even if you wanted to walk away from me.

I assumed that you would argue until it's fixed,
even if silence and distance were mere threats.

I assumed that you would stay with me,
even if you wanted to walk out and not come back.

I assumed that you would come back wanting me,
even if you would only return coz I'd have asked.

I assumed that you want me even through this,
even if you were only being with me coz you had to.

I assumed that you loved and cared for me,
even if you had the courage to walk out.

I assumed you. And thought I'd trusted you.

Coz isn't that what you do,
when you love and think you really know someone?
Trust them and assume them?

Maybe that's where I went wrong.

I should've trusted you for who you are.
Or assumed differently.

Maybe I should learn the difference between the two.
Maybe I should learn to love better.

Maybe I should...