I pretend your name looks the same as the others
that your eyes don’t make my heart flutter

I pretend your words
aren't lines I’ll memorize tonight
that your smile isn’t a ray of sunlight

I’ll pretend to laugh at your jokes the same as the others
but with you, you make me see luminescent colors
What they say about red rose rims are true
and that’s not all I even feel with you

I sleep seeing daisies, dreaming about
ways you make me crazy
I smell orange blossoms everywhere by
Imagining that you simply care

I pretend that you are just another ***** page wedged inbetween the lost loves
the almosts
And the fakes
but

you’ve made pretending a dichotomy
a contradiction to the feelings I say
the truth is
my red rose rim glasses get brighter everyday

It's the stillness,
of his chest lifting
musical notes shifting
It's his eyes,
staring into mine
as if we were a harmony,
beautifully intertwined
It's his laugh ,
stroking the chords
of a beloved old guitar,
can't go very far
without it
It's his hands,
in mine
I can only imagine it
It's his heartbeat,
with this heartbreaking rhythm  
If only I could be with him

-----but-----

We have this silence

and
It's my prayers
for him to see
This Love
My Love

it's deafening

Everyday
is another day I don’t text you
Everyday is another day I pretended I don’t miss you

Everyday

It’s silly I know
Can’t even say the words
Can’t even let this pain go

Everyday is another day I’m angry at you
For not caring like I do
But you can’t force someone to care
How can I still love you

Everyday

Everyday is another day he is just a picture in my head
Everyday I hear the three words
he never said

These are my three words

I HATE YOU  

but we know that’s not true
Because every day is a day I’m still loving you

Tears of the memories we made
Tears of the smiles that will fade
Tears of the forgotten and of the fierce
Please give me those years

Tears
And
Tears of ink: bleeding from my pen
Bleeding like blood
Of wondering when

Tears
And tears of rain
pouring from my window
and pouring from my pain.

Tears and
Tear Stains of water splattered
And stains of heartbreak you never thought mattered

Tears
And tears

Bleeding and washing and cleaning
Hopefully erasing those
Years and that meaning.

Tears
And tears.

Never fulfilling forgetting my fears

You notice her Chipped nails
Did you notice her Chipped heart
you notice her ***** hair
Did you notice her ***** house

did you notice that
Was judgement
And mistakes

WHY DO WE ALL HATE.

Yet that girl is YOU, ME,  and
her

We all have our past.
Let’s not have it last.
So please.
No more labels and no more lists.
We are just people
With all of these mistakes and all of this

I stare at the blank page
Ready to write a poem
But I have so many words, so many emotions
You poets, you know em
Rattled in my head
Can’t seem to put them on paper and pen
It’s untitled and unlimited
Not enough letters to describe the
Things left unfelt
And the words left unsaid
I myself can’t describe
Those dead

Tear stained sky
Up above the tear stained face
Of the light-haired lass
Covered in lace
Blue diamonds in her eyes
And the blue skies up above her
Her face lined with wit
A masking
And no trace of
The light haired lass
Covered in lace
With the tear stained face
Gone and hidden
Faraway
Will she come back someday?
Only if
She learns behind
The mask
is concealing
diamonds

They Judged endlessly
    Decided instantly
Before
We spoke.
Who is this person?
Cars,
Nails,
Clothes ?

Endless lists don’t determine who a person is
Please. I beg of you,
Look beyond the list.

Dangling on the edge of a skyscraper
Looking at the stars, loving you
are you looking at them too
Thinking of my eyes, sky blue?

dangling on the edge of a city tower
plucking rose petals from my flower
wondering
does he love me
Does he not
every petal
Reminds me he forgot

dangling on the edge of heartbreak
Pretending my heart doesn’t ache
Pretending my masked glares aren’t
Longing stares


Does he love me
Does he not
it hurts my heart
So I hate him
And his “maybe not”

She says
There are no words
She’s right.
What am I
Supposed to write

Should I write about
The perfect model girls that
Plague my stormy night

Should I write  about
The hollow ache I know I’ll feel
When one by one
My loved ones disappear

Should I write about
The messed up cycle
I keep spinning in,
Claiming to change
Then giving in

Should I write about the cracked mirror in my heart
How the NUMBER on a scale
Can make me fall apart

Should I write about
The imperfections I see
The bad sister
Bad friend
I see in me

She says
There are no words.
Maybe there are,
But
They aren’t heard.

I forgot how much you can hurt me
how much I don’t deserve me b/c
I open the door to disease
I let you break my heart and I even say PLEASE
“”
I LOVE you and I lose you, and YET, I wanna play again.
the never ending game
That ends with me crying on the ground
and you playing pretend
“”
I’m your doll when you’re bored
And you’re my cliff when I fall
I wait for you to catch me
but you’re on a phone call
“”
and if I slip off the edge
you won’t catch me
you’re nowhere near
I AM YELLING;
you refuse to hear.
“”
I forgot the worst part:
even now,
If you were falling,
I’d give you my heart.
I’d catch you, even if it meant losing me too....

I keep envisioning things you could have said
Ways you could make me blush
Ways you could’ve made me wear red
But instead, all I have from you
Are words that aren’t even there
just
echoes of memories from when you used to care

I keep envisioning us
And I’m blaming you
For making me have this dream
But its not ur fault
it is mine, for putting words in your mouth
And hoping they were true
You kept saying “ella you’re special”
And i kept believing  so were you

I keep envisioning a world where
You thought my smile was a sparkle
Where you laughed at my eyes
Because they glistened like the lake in summertime
Where you told me you loved me
And It was true
Where words meant something
And I did too.


I keep envisioning these things
I have these dreams in my head
It is your fault
I know you’ll never love me at all
And i’m angry for the words
You let me believe
But how can i be angry
When I know that the true believer in love
Was me?


I will always have a tiny corner in my heart for you
I saved it, engraved your name in it, its true
Your name will spark a special heartbeat
That even eyes can’t read
But
My name will only just be words to you
Words you never knew
Lyrics you never heard the song to
Meaningless words

Is that all I am to you

I walked down and sat down in your life
is it time I walk out? Time to say goodbye?

Hey Alisha
Hey up there
I always wondered
Does heaven have stairs
For you to come down
And whisper in my ear
Trying to tell me
You will always be here

Hey Alisha
Hey up there
I hope you know how much we care
here I am sobbing
Not able to cope
You are part of my family
Part of my home
All I wish, is that you aren’t up
There alone

Hey Alisha
Hey up there
I miss your ice cream flavors
And your long silk hair
The way you make anything
Even homemade chairs

Hey Alisha
Hey up there
I don’t like crying alone
Will you cry with me here
Sometimes I know you
Are speaking near
Telling our hearts
To stop
The heartbreaking tears

Hey Alisha
Hey up there
I know your in a better place
That’s what they all say
But your family needs you
And so do I
None of us wanted to
Say goodbye

But god decided you are too good for us
You deserve to be an angel
Above the dust
So I guess now we must say
Goodbye
As long as your happy

I’ll try not to cry

You gave me words I cannot change
I cannot alter them even if I prayed
You gave me a glimmer of hope
For our “what ifs” and “maybes”
But it’s just cruel to do
You have someone you love
And I-
I only have you
You give me dreams
And that’s all I have
That’s just mean
I don’t want “in another world”
I want this world, with you

its dangerously dizzy to love you
It feels forever-like when I touch you
stop smiling with those eyes
this summer air’s making me cry
thinking of you thinking of me
it makes me dangerously dizzy


I could twirl forever with ur memory
waltz with your words in my mind
I tell myself that you’re just kind
but I’m really hoping you’re just mine
It’s dangerously dizzying
imagining us together
you make me starry eyed and musically inclined
you’re dangerous, it’s true
I could easily
So easily
Fall for you

WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO SAY
You broke my heart today.
it was unbReakablE
You proved me wrong
and I can’t
I can’t stOp thinkinG of midniGHT
(it’s a sonG)

I keep thinking
I should have seen u all along
I keep thinking
That we were midnight
AND I aM scaReD
I HATE to be lost
v u l n e r a b l e and unaware
Of the damaging STRENgth you had

but

We arE midnight
Pushing through thE dark
Pushing back
And after a while
I only see starry skies

not black

yes yes I know
this poem makes no sense
and That’s how

Love goes
it’s nonsense

I should’ve seen it from the start:

You showed me who you are,,
through your cruel ignorance
ur lighthearted indifference
you introduced me to you,,
when you laughed at my tears
and belittled my fears
you told me hello,,
On the summer days you kept letting me go
I am saying goodbye,,
to this person I never truly knew,
you don’t care that I’m broken &
that it’s b/c of you