College in the sun is a lot like middle school. Everyone is walking around screaming at each other drenching their skin in perfumes that they think smell good but they mix with their sweat and it forms a sort of nauseating scent that lingers in the halls longer after their group has gone. Together everyone walks, college is lonely. Passing by faces you see around lecture, everyone running in a million different directions. The athletes wear short shorts and keep hard looks on their faces. The frat guys play obnoxious beats as they rap their own songs marching with their gang of pledges in their entirely too-hot-for-the-90-degree-weather suit jackets. Their beady eyes devour you, or they won’t even glance in your direction- it usually depends on how many items of clothing you have on, or lack thereof. College is weird. For some reason I thought maybe everyone would magically be more mature. Maybe they would all turn into good people because we are all adults now right? Guess who was wrong! Nice good ok. So they might have more ****** hair and maybe their muscles are bigger than before, but most of them haven’t grown up. Every phase change of my life, I have expected to see a difference in the behavior of the people around me… not yet has it happened. I am starting to think maybe I am asking too much of the world. Maybe my idea of good is distorted, maybe I am the crazy one. But what is so hard about being kind and what is wrong with telling someone you are in love with them? Why are we living in the dark places of our minds and why can we not escape? Why are we hiding in the liquor, why is near death not enough? Why can you not sleep without your drugs? Why have we become so dependent? I have dreams nightly when I am not in your arms. They haunt me in the sunlight on a clear blue sky day. The terrors seize me and I am forced to stop in the middle. I see their eyes on me. Is she okay?? I wish I didn’t feel so alien. I wish I could just fit in. But you told me I wasn’t like them, and you said that was good for you. But here I am and you need your space and here I am drowning in your space and there you are drinking your beer and here I am wishing that can was my neck there you are crumpling it as you finish yet another and here I am begging to be destroyed there you are: calm, content, emotionless. Here I am, begging for sleep to take me, praying to God that your arms find their way back around my waist. There you are with everything you need: an ending to assure you that all you need is to be alone. A final goodbye so you can keep yourself safe. But here I am saying **** safety, can you kiss me? I need you to stay. Please don’t take me home, i won’t be able to sleep without you. Please don’t do this. I am sorry I am crying. Please don’t do this. Honey… please.. I nee

And when you find me again I will be okay, and you will tell me it was all just a big mistake. I was never a mistake.

I’m sorry I’m not talking to you. I am giving you space.

I am drowning in your space.

I don’t want to feel like this.

Maybe you should just take me home.

I’m sorry...

I’m sor


But maybe it’s not even that deep and I'm just freaking out for no reason but I don’t know how to feel inside of me You’ve gotten all in there and everything's mixed up and i’m uncomfortable but you’re the one who asked for space and you said i wouldn’t understand and you’re right i don’t but every one before you I said this one is gonna hurt like hell when I’m done but it’s never been this and maybe it isn’t even over but maybe it should be because I cannot keep the tears from rolling down my red ******* cheeks and all I can think about is kissing your neck and i don’t wanna go home i want to be wrapped up in your sheets and I want to feel the rise and fall of your chest on my back and i want your hands to grip mine as you fall asleep in spurts and I don’t want to go home please do not take me home I want to live in the moment by the pool with the sun streaming through the trees a sky so blue you confuse it for my eyes please don’t take me home you said it’s more passionate how can you throw that away i am not convincing you i swear but i think you love me and you hate to admit it and maybe I’m wrong and maybe I’m crazy but i want you to stay please don’t take me home maybe it isn’t that deep I am giving you your space i miss you i am drowning in your space please don't take me home i don't know what i did wrong im sorry im sad maybe i should take medication i don't know how to live in that place i am so sorry i am trying maybe the conversation was bad please don't take me home i cannot sleep in the cold without you but maybe it isn't that deep i am sorry please don't take me home i cannot sleep without you please don't take me home please but i will give you your space but i wish your space could have me i am drowning out here baby please don't take me home i want to go home but i need you to come with me because if i leave i will not come back and i can't hurt you like that but i know this is what you want and i am so very sad honey please don't take your space please don't i need to be there with you i am so sorry baby I never meant to act like this please don't take me home i swear i’ll behave please i need you i can't stand the cold you know how the dreams are you know i shake in the dark please don't take me home i can't go home i don't want to go home please they are going to get me they will get me they know when I’m like this they want to ruin me please don't leave me in the dark i cannot sleep without you please do not go I have faith i don't want to hurt you please let me hold you i need you come back please don't leave please please it hurts i cannot breathe please come back i want to call you please i don't love you it's not that deep please come back i need you

I am giving you space i am giving you space i am giving you space i am giving you what you want i am giving you space i am giving you space i am giving you space i am giving you the space i will give you the space this is me giving you space i am giving you space i am giving you space i am giving you space i am giving you the space you want it i am giving it to you to you to you to you to you i am giving you space i am sorry i am giving you space i wish i could talk to you i am giving you space don't worry i am fine i am giving you space i am giving you space i am sorry i am giving you space i am giving you what you want i am giving you space i am giving you space i am giving you space i am so sorry i am giving you space i am sorry i am sorry i am giving you space i miss you i am giving you space i am giving you space i am giving you space and i am giving you space i am giving you space and if i give enough maybe i can get far enough away i am giving you space maybe if i keep giving you more space you'll forget me i am giving you space and you'll never have to be confused again i am giving you space is this enough i am giving you space i'll keep giving you space i'll give you whatever you want baby you deserve it all i am giving you space and space and space and space and space i am giving you space i am giving you space i am giving space you space you the space you need i am giving you what you want i am giving you space take me home i will let you have all of this space i'll be in ohio soon and all of the space between us will be yours and i hope it's enough because i am giving you all of my spaces and now there is no room for me to breathe i am giving you space honey i am giving it to you giving it to you honey i am giving you the space i am giving it to you i am handing it to you i am giving you space i am giving you space i am giving you space i am giving you space i am giving it to you i am giving you space i don't know where to go i am giving you space i am giving you space i am giving you space i am giving you space i won't sleep but you will in this space and i hope it feels good i am sorry that i got so close to you that you couldn't breathe i am giving you space now and i hope it feels good i am giving you space you wanted this i am giving it to you i am giving you space i am sorry i hope this feels good i am giving you space my words are coming i miss you i am giving you space i am giving you space i am giving you space i am not selfish i am giving you space i will drown before you i am giving you space i am giving you space here please take it honey i am giving you space i am giving you space i am giving you space i am giving you space you want i am giving i will keep giving i am giving you space i am so sorry i wasn't enough i am giving you space i want you to be okay i am giving you space i am giving you space i am giving you space i hope you're okay i am giving you space are you okay? I am giving you space i am cold in this space leave me here i am giving you space it is freezing i am giving you space i am giving you space i am giving you space i am giving you space i might choke we are very far i am giving you space i wish you would tell me to stop but i know you need your space please come back i am giving you your space i am sorry stay there i am giving you your space i am giving it to you i am sorry what day did you leave? I am sorry i am giving you space i don't think i will come back i am giving you space i am giving you space i am giving you to space i am tired baby i am tired of giving you space i am tired of this please just come back tell me i can stop i don't want to give you space i want to be right next to you please will you hold my hand? Wait i am giving you space i am sorry i am giving you space i am giving you space i am giving you space i am giving you space i am giving you space i am giving you space i am giving you space i am giving you space i am giving you space i am giving you space i am giving you space i am giving you space i am giving you space i am giving you space i am giving it to you i am giving it to you i am giving you space i am giving it to you i am giving it to you i am giving you space i am giving you space i am giving you space i am giving you space i am giving you space i am giving you space i am giving you space i am giving you space i am giving you space i am giving you space i am giving you space i am uncomfortable i am giving you space i am giving you space i am giving you space i am giving you space i am giving you space i am giving you space i am giving you space i am giving you space i am giving you space i am giving you space i am giving you space i am giving you space i am giving you space i am giving yo

I am a twenty-first century
futuristic entity,
silly space oddity
that has been cruising down
this cosmic avenue.

It used to be me traveling
but one thing led to another
and I found me a true lover
under the milky way
that made me want to
change my spaceman ways.

We shared trippy passions,
stripped stars of their hydrogen gasses
as floating bodies whizzed passed us.

We were like nuclear fire
as we consumed and recycled
undulating waves of desire.
The perfect big bang
doing our thang
and we were expansive.

Dangerously in love,
she played me like ping pong
then like all the other
spiraling galaxies
moved on.

In my mind
They bloom always
...along the fence
of Mr. Chauncey's yard
who cut and bundled them
for us to give to Mom

And suddenly
purple has a fragrance
I can see...
and another name
that follows me
forever
infusing home
Insisting on it— everywhere  

...though it wavers
in the years
in clouds of Lilac bubbling
Memory's palest purple
amidst the golden-green

...I am a child again
running down the hills of May
dizzy
in bee buzzing
Floating
in the lush warmth
and parachutes of fluff—
Next year's dandelions aloft
in the ends of this year's spring

Turning ferns to wings
twisted into tee shirt sleeves
We fly by sheer will to do so
Pretend to hide our nests
in forest of the lilac

Notice me,
as I sit swaying
in my grief.

Please pay attention
when I mention
what is nibbling
at my sleeve.

As the monster comes
to gobble me,
and I start wobbling
and sobbing
on the street
where my family
fell before me.

Please see the sorrow
that adorns
the ragged clothes
and pains I have worn,
the scars that have adorn
this torn flesh
as fresh wounds
well up with new blood.

Please see the poverty
of inhumanity
that has bankrupted
our society,
turning empathy
into a handicap
and sociopathy
into an attractive trait.

Please, while I wait
for the hate to abate
see me and acknowledge
my minor existence
because I am human
and only here for mere minutes
then gone
never to return.

i built god in your image.
an entity guised in black, clutching
half-a-pack of cigarettes, erudite
and attractive, smoldering
as dark matter, spinning incessantly
like a compass distracted by a magnet.

heaven was hanging from your lips,
momentarily adrift, caught like a meteor
en route between two planets,
tethered by tendrils of gravity.

agony
is continually waking
to your absence.
life wouldn't be hell
without hope.

i.
what a mess you’ve made
of me
cause i’ve spent so much time in your eyes lately
and i like the way you smile when
you're falling apart  
over last call at the bar
i swear you look at me like i just
lifted a car
(surprised and confused and afraid and
amazed)
when i’m raving like a mad woman about
climate change and you keep the drinks
coming and my heart
pumping
all night
long.

ii.
the grey area
is not where good love goes to die
it is where good love is never born
thighs are kissed but hearts are not broken
and those of us who dwell there
prefer it that way
(but i don’t mind
if you stay)

iii.
though i would have preferred
if you’d kissed me earlier
and hurt me less,
with you i always take what i can get
i want you to teach me everything you know
about making love
and weapons of mass destruction
(why do ugly thoughts consume such a pretty mind?)
come here, baby
i am not the bad guy.

iv.
and i’ve been feeling restless
like my chest is on fire
thoughts twisted up
i told you with me its never enough
(and then it’s too much)
electrify me just to pull the plug
don’t you know it’s better with the lights on?
i’ve never felt so ******* untouched
as i have these last few nights
passion isn’t patient
but timing is everything,
right?
(i knew you’d change your mind)


t.m.

If I were a painter,
I'd paint you the hundreds
of marigold leaves
hanging on the branches
of our one-lane street.

I'd color the canvas
with the image of myself
blowing air on the flames
of our Sunday-night fire,
watching it dance to life.

If I were able to
mix the oils just right,
I could shine a flashlight
through the fence to find
the deer as it rustled in the bushes.

If I had the finest Parisian brushes,
I'd seal our memories forever,
hanging them in rustic frames
on the walls of our home
where they could be

remembered daily
rather than just
once-in-a-while
when the campfire smoke
finally jogs our memory.