it's about that time
everyone's moved along
i'm straggling per usual
always the last one to catch on

never the first one to leave
i never anticipate the end
so it always gets the best of me

i'm never ready to say goodbye
or planning to let go
clenching so tight my knuckles turn white
overly attached and it shows

but my love is genuinely
coming from a place of care and hope
a feeling where i can't eat sleep or breathe

until i know you feel it too
our hands on different sides of the glass
its scary to even consider
could you ever love me back

yet now the seat is cold and empty
you're gone
and i don't know what to think

maybe i'm too eager to try
or too predisposed to reach the finish line
am i too broken to find a home
or is trying to trust people a waste of time

you were right

about this shirt
i do like it

sometimes i wish i didn't though

sometimes i want to light it on fire in my backyard
and use my bottled up rage to keep it going all night

but you were right
it does feel like me

last night i was dancing around sleep
and like an immaculate conception
the answer revealed itself
completely occupying my mind's eye

you
were the first
person i ever trusted
time i wasn't scared to laugh
person i looked to for a long long time
time i felt safe enough to love

the experience changed me forever
and for the longest time
i thought you were the key

meant to open up what i couldn't on my own

but you're gone
and i'm still here
and all that intensity and purpose
still swell and shift within

i'm not sure you were ever my friend
but you were a friend
emphasis on the were

one day i'll be neutral
and i pray to feel grateful for all the good
and i'll keep stomaching the bad
and working on myself

i'll never burn this shirt
and sometimes i hope you think i did

you are this all encompassing sensation even now
a change in my heart rhythm
and smell in my brain
a peace and hell wrapped in one

banishing the best of our time together
is like sending a piece of myself away

i can't ignore the reality
but i don't want to forget why i tried to stay

i want it to all be worth more than the lessons i'm being learned

tilling the soil and blessing the earth
in this life people rarely get what they deserve

needles and pins
if not now then when
a thought makes me wince
i loathe myself for needing

to be high for this
and thinking about him
might not give into my whims
but it's not a good way of thinking

staring out but lost deep within
hearing nothing but the wind
phantasizing fingertips
i feel shame for dreaming so freely

but then again
i'll never touch another skin
so does it even count as sin
if you knew, would you leave me?

i'll put myself back together
staples, glue, and thread
and get the fact that you don't love me
through my stupid head

and i'll start from scratch
relocating my sanctuary far from yours
rebuilding brick by brick with ****** hands
until i'm better than before

i'll take the lashings
and accept painful truths
i'll find a silver lining
and even try not to hate you

but with all of my humility at stake
and the maturity i've managed to show
i'm still mortified
by the customs you forgo

my best efforts
don't absolve or garnish your transgressions
nothing makes it better
but at least i learned my lesson

flesh separated
from temple to toe
cracked like an egg
scored clean through the marrow
scraped of all utility
disregarded past my prime
left as a pile of rotting innards
futility found to be a punishable crime
and as i lay in waste
extinguished and razed
borrowing hope
and counting my days
i realize that my dereliction
is a symptom not my being
i have a purpose beyond your shrinking views
you would never free me

that's something one can only do for themselves
and the answer won't be found in anybody else








(you lied to me and i believed you)