it's the easy decisions
slight of hand
blurry intentions
you don't trust this man
he may be kind and sweet
and hold a door or two
tiny little things
to get to you
waiting until you're fading
to step up to the plate
barely know what you're saying
but you know you said okay
so if anything happens
it's all on you for trusting that
he would be a good friend
and just turn you off your back
oh goodness oh mercy oh **** oh god
pulling away from the memory physically
nerves firing at the thought
remembering so awfully vividly

no no no
this isn't what i meant
this isn't what i wanted
this can't be how it ends
pulling away from a touch
that's no longer there
it's an ugly ugly feeling
but nobody cares
make it make it stop
and wash it away
hot water does no good
nor the tears on my face
it's so uncomfortable
to think about things that could've happened
i'm just tired and unsure
holding in my reaction
because i can't mourn
while i lie in the crime scene
just another ****** situation
they always find me

no more
hands under shirts
sliding inside *******
wandering places
you don't belong
and can't be
i'm not even here
i'm too far gone
to be able to say what i mean
you push against my back
and try to let me know
how much you think you want me
i don't know how to feel
in the morning
everyone's still so charged
but i'm happy everyone's happy
even though this prickly feeling
has settled right here in my heart

time flies when i don't think of you
but now i'm frozen in your arms
knowing you don't love me back
and all you mean is harm
you are a stupid boy with no love to give
but i want you despite knowing better
i keep falling asleep smiling
imagining us being together

how silly how stupid how childish how strange
you'll never look at me the same
you respond every couple days
indifference drives me insane

and i wait by my phone
expecting no answer
conversations drier
than the mojave desert
screaming in my head
this is never gonna work
bracing with each step
knowing this is gonna hurt

maybe i just like the pain
why do i see you this way
what is it you have they say
something i just can not claim

and i don't even care
but i'm just wound up
replaying the sting
of your friendly touch
goodbye and sweet dreams
catching another ride
everybody left
but i am still parked outside

all the time to waste
not really but i stall anyways
it's dark but this parking space
is enough to help me feel okay

you all go home
i sit and think
what is it
about me
that isn't good
enough for you
even though i just went out
to have something to do

what even was today
what are these choices that i made
shake it off and play it safe
overcorrections for deliberate mistakes

hold me up
i'm slipping out
you're not even real
i'm no where near sound
of mind but i'm trying
to survive at least
with thoughts and dreams
distancing reality
because in theory
the fall wouldn't be so bad
but touch just feels icky
and i'm always too sad
it's comforting to hope
one day i'll function fine
just consumed by fantasies
in the meantime

frustratingly vague
uncomfortably intense
staying up everynight
going over it again and again
how does this make me feel
why does it make me act this way
who do i wanna be
is this the right decision to make
how will i be tomorrow
am i proud of who i was today
the past does but doesn't define me
what even is the change i wanna make
am i apologizing to be nice
or do i really regret what i did
am i just so scared to be alone
i call you a friend
shattering glass in a hall of mirrors
self constructed labyrinth of confusion
looking to myself not recognizing what i see
is it love or a fleeting delusion
do i want it to work out
was i hoping for the end since we met
deep down i can't feel myself
washed right over by questions i'll regret
seeing things in ways i didn't need to
just ask myself are you sure
when no one else cares and it swallows me easily
another rock in the pile and i just keep throwing more
until i'm on top of the mountain looking down
got so high so fast and it scares me
i'll make it down eventually
and even then barely
wonder if one day i'll go too far
and i will forget where i'm from and who i am
is this making any sense just trying to gather my wits
no one ever understands