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Alaynah Nov 2018

the only things that never leave your side
the ones that are always there for you
distracting you from the world
as your life passes you by

constantly reminding you
that you don't need anyone else
so why would that be a question

"hey it's us again! the ones that
assure commitment,
anxiety and depression"

you cling to their words
as they've lived up to their promises
of never leaving you alone

"never question our loyalty we'll always be here!
you're wanted, we want you! and that will never be unknown!"

"we're not sure why you don't want us around
you're always saying you want someone to come in your life
and stay a while
we thought coming around when you felt lonely
would at least make you smile!"

I was never scared of the dark until I met anxiety and depression
they lurk in the nights and watch me sleep and then yell "WAKE UP"
to let me know that self guilt and sadness is still in my possession

it's time to go out and find the cure for this stupid disease
the only things that will make them go away, self love & inner peace

it will be a long time before i find it
but i know who will push me
in the right direction

my old friends who said they'd stay by my side!
Remember them? Anxiety & Depression.
Alaynah Sep 2018
I got really high tonight
And chose to specifically take
The time to view over my thoughts

Such a sad place:
Full of wretched self judgemental opinions
You aren’t good enough said me to me in the mirror
You’ll never be loved and you’ll never be successful
You’re only a time to time beneficial resource to the ones you thought cared about you
Nobody will ever love you for you, you either give them what they want or they’re gone
Everyone in your life will leave you eventually
You’re such a disappointment
You’re so ugly
You're crazy
She's prettier than you and has such a nice body
You're not good enough and never will be
Stop getting so attached nobody wants to stay
Hate yourself
Nobody would care if you disappeared
Why’re you even here?

Although I occasionally think about this
dark room in my head while sober
I always fake it away and try not to think about it
I never truly take the time to
think about everything gives me
sad and anxious feelings
This is depressing
I don’t wanna be in this dark room anymore

Caution!!! Bad vibes only

I try to exit this room
but the doors are locked
I try to knock down the door
With the little energy I have
After this major dark attack
I finally get to leave

Sober you knows everything will be okay
I'm never going back there again
Nap time…
Alaynah Sep 2018
the sand was the softest that night
the sky was as blue as ever
your lips and your touch was just what I needed
to make that night at the beach even better

you spoke to me with your intoxicated voice
and kissed me with your intoxicated tongue

“i want you when i’m drunk
i want you when i’m high
i want you when i'm sober
i want you all the time”

you kissed me after that
then told me
i meant so much to you

from that moment on
i knew i’d be attached like glue

we left the beach to go get food
with our friends
and in the car
with your drunken voice you began
to pour out your soul
like you were singing me a song

i told you we’d finish this tomorrow
so i’d know whether or not believing
your words was right or wrong

that night ended perfectly
i got dropped off at home
you told me to kiss you goodbye

i told you kiss me when you’re sober
and tomorrow came and that’s what you did
which actually made me cry

but i still wanna know
did you mean what you said
when you said what you did
that night?
the fear of being rejected
i never asked
i let your actions
answer my question

instead of getting caught up
on drunken words
and letting it become
an obsession

i’m grateful your words were sorta true
and that’s what made me fall for you
i had never felt this way towards someone
and that’s what made it hard for me
when the universe decided we should be done
Alaynah Sep 2018
That I knew I was in trouble
  Sep 2018 Alaynah
they will stop loving you
they will stop missing you
they will stop caring for you
they will stop giving you their time
they will start making excuses
they will start avoiding you
they will start ignoring you
they will start lying to you

And one day they will finally leave you

but just like an idiot
you're still gonna love them unconditionally.
  Sep 2018 Alaynah
i tried hard to write something
not about you
but my thoughts are limited
only up to you
Alaynah Sep 2018
To the ones who feel
Less than
you’re so much more

To the ones who feel
i’ll remember you

To the ones who feel
you’re worth it

To the ones who feel
like you don’t matter
You do

The world is such a beautiful place
With you in it & it wouldn’t be the same
Without you
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