Home is wherever I'm with you

There's a new kind of silence in my mind
That sits as softly as a sunrise
That familiar drift, feeling your breath
Fall against my neck
As though you're the cool breeze in summer; and I'm the forest you are swaying;
Strong but somehow more beautiful with every second of your presence.

Taking me back to the first time our hands and bones intertwined
A tidal wave of perfection falling
Over my mind.
Looking at you, I don't merely see a person
But endless opportunity to flow and fall wherever I please,
Knowing I have you by my side,
To make me that little bit more myself
Than I ever have been.

Do you have sympathy for the devil?
because I would not mind being
your second, third, fifth, last choice,
because it would mean, no matter how little,
I would still be wanted.

It is the sixteenth of November
I am clad in ripped black jeans and the same black t-shirt I've worn every day for two weeks
It's a Monday
I am weary, worn from the weekend
On the precipice of regaining my pride by sleeping for 3 days straight
I am so tired
Fatigue is now a new code embedded in my DNA
There are few things you can do with a body convinced it has no soul
I haven't felt this empty in years
Vacant and desolate, I am an abandoned house that no one has returned to yet
I am still waiting for a knock on the door
But he never comes
The wind outside blows harder now and I never venture outside without a jacket
But I frequently forget to wear shoes
There is something about running on cold concrete that makes you feel alive
And maybe I am too accustomed to getting the seasonal cold because I refuse to cover my toes
I refuse to let the things that offer me freedom be incarcerated
It's so cold out
Chills strike my arms like lightning bolts, I tremble at the thought of you holding her to make her warm
I hide behind my fabricated contentment
I would rather freeze to death in your arms than live beneath layers of blankets
You see there is a distinct difference between cotton material and a silk body
They say that when someone is freezing, your body heat is the only thing left to save them
And I fear that if I ever were to be perishing due to frigid temperatures
You could not bear to lay a finger on me
Only cover me up
And it is hard to appreciate an effort that is only buying time

I don't exactly know how to phrase it when we've been told
romantic love is the be-all, end-all of it all. I don't exactly know
how to say what I feel without sounding shallow and emotionless
but what I have learned, in my heart, is this:
that love isn't love that takes.
that me needing love to survive,
wanting it at the cost of all else,
and seeing it as the end goal of my life-
is setting me up to love for the sake of love by itself
and love for the sake of having it. By definition,
if romantic love is my life goal, any love I have
is taking. I have learned that
I don't need another person to fulfill my life
and it's foolish to act as though it's all pointless without love.
I have learned that to be poor and with the love of your life
is nice, and a beautiful happy life, but to be rich and single allows you
to give your riches to charity and spend your career changing the world
maybe at the cost of your own happiness, maybe not.
I have learned that even if it costs my own happiness, it is
better for me and anyone to sacrifice being with someone you love
for the sake of other people. I don't deserve that happiness
if it means it's going to forbid me from
changing the world in a positive way. I don't deserve that happiness
if it means I am alone with the one I love and have selfishly decided
my love is more important than anything else.
I have learned that there are many examples of people
who have lived their lives without love and have had wonderful lives.
I have learned that mere happiness is not the goal of the eternal soul.
I have learned that it's not boring or pointless or heartbreaking when one
doesn't end up with someone- I have learned that to sacrifice
my whole life for the sake of another person doesn't mean to give up
everything to be with them, either romantically or sexually.
I have learned that we must sacrifice ourselves, our wants, our needs
for the sake of God's kingdom- that whatever I want is nothing to His wants,
and that He does not want what I want. His ways are higher than mine.
I might want to be married, I might want to have kids
but what I've learned has told me that's not the point. That's not the end.
A man hath no greater love than this: to lay down his life for his friends.
Friends. I can, and will, give up everything for my friends,
everything for God. That's what love is. Self-sacrifice, not self-fulfillment
not "who I can be", but "who I can help you to be"-
not the light at the end of the tunnel, but the person willing to die.
I have been asking and looking for a perfect person
that understands me, is willing to be my partner and crime,
and loves me just as much or more as I love them. I found Him.
His name is Jesus Christ. And I know that I wouldn't give up Him
to be with anyone in the world. That's why. That's why. That's why.