Sometimes I view things through small windows.
Dusty at times I clean them off..
Just for a better view.
I see you.
I wave as you turn to me and leave once again.
You smile and wave back!
Our dogs chase your truck down the road.
You will be back tomorrow.
I watch your tail lights fade into the hills.
I always turn away when I see our dogs return to our yard.
See you tomorrow dad!

your words cut
deeper than i will ever let you see
but i know you don't mean
to hurt me or lose me.
and as my voice i stifle
afraid of burdens unborn
your voice, a chime unearthing
demons i thought long gone.

and once more
i cannot tell you
i cannot trust me
i cannot admit
the pain, the hurt, the fear
so for now, i guess
i'll just be
here.
just here.

you know what matters
is not the skin, but the heart
you know you've fallen in deep
and now you're falling apart
you've ever only seen skin-deep

but skin is all you have.

grasping at perfection
but the more you run it runs deeper
as you fear your reflection
and as this skin wraps these bones
and your heart struggles a beat
as you never find your happiness
emptiness swallows heaps
it's the weight that weighs you down again
and you've started to measure up
counting ways to perfection

but you're drowning in a cup

and it will take you nowhere
but these voices never leave
and you follow, engulfed

but you've ever only seen skin-deep

- c.t.

She was
A dreamer, with wings on her back
A singer, voice like honey in your ear
An actress, all the world was her stage
So many futures, and all of them hers,
but


She was.


- c.t.

I feel my heart beating slower deep inside of my chest
You can't accept me at my worst you won't be there for my best
Thinking less and less
Yet, I'm falling apart
The girl who I thought I loved blamed me for someone else breaking her heart
My friends get together and forget to mention my name
My mother only remembers the old me and reminds me of all her past pain
Calling on the sun but only getting the rain
Used to be obsessed with money and thought only respect meant fame.
****** I was wrong
I ripped up every old song
This shortness of breath is killing me and my days are becoming too long
"A man shouldn't shed a tear"
But I'm crying while writing this ****t
"Learn to gain control"
But I'm constantly losing my grip.
So much of the devil's toxins in my body that it's making me sick
Thought I changed who I was but the mirror is still showing me a *****
I can't say sorry anymore and I can't keeping apologizing
Feeling all your judgmental stares is beyond agonizing.
Lack of offered help ain't surprising
Thought I could pick up the pieces
Asked God for a lil help and he said "boy, you need Jesus"
Morally I'm a sinner and mentally a beginner
A carnivore stuck in a world of cantaloupe so I starve without dinner
Cause I feast on the flesh of the ignorant and blind souls
The ones that get stuck in their own way and can't do ****t on their own.
Please pick up the phone!
Suicide hotline!
These sharp thoughts are cutting me up and slowly killing my mind!
Running to the darkness but not a space to hide
My heart is begging me to stop feeding it hatred inside
So I..

I... Continue to try

But I still lack a lot of the visual qualities
Integrity, Confidence, Character and being able to fit in with society
Put the bottle down and prepared for a life of sobriety.

(Heart speeds up)

Where is this sudden strength?
Where does it come from?
It's the lowest times of our life's that test you in who you could become
And I wanna become great...nah, I wanna become good.

A good person, a good friend, a good man.
And do everything a good man should.

This a message that says no thing or person should ever break you and shatter you, to the point where you can't fix it.
It's not the dog in the fight, it's the fight in the dog that gets us through and wins it.

but I stopped fighting...I'm taking off now.

to the first flight on cloud 9
Because I'm finally at peace with myself, I found happiness, purity

I found...

Peace of mind.

I'm doing fine.