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asha Oct 21
today, i was not invited to dinner upstairs.
they talk & laugh in a language i only know in fragments.
which is fitting because that is all i feel.
fragmented.
it makes me feel lonely to not be invited.
it reminds me of how alone i truly am,
how little anyone really cares for me.
& maybe if that were not the case elsewhere,
maybe i would be okay.
maybe if i had friends who knew how to say more than
"oh that *****, sorry to hear that",
maybe if i had a mother who didn't have cancer so i didn't feel
the need to stay silent to protect her,
maybe if i had a father who knew how to stop lecturing me
long enough to listen to my pain,
maybe if i had a boyfriend who understood my mental illness
enough to know how to be gentle with his words,
maybe if i wasn't sick...
maybe if i knew how to open up & trust someone,
maybe if i knew how to be a normal human being
long enough for someone to care,
maybe i'd be okay...
because i know if i were invited,
i would have said "no, thank you"
& went back into hiding in my room, away from the world,
always complaining about my lonliness
but refusing to try
because everytime i try,
i just feel more lonely.
everytime i try, i lose all my energy,
& with this depression hanging above my head,
i have no energy before i can even begin.
i don't know how to be alive.
& if i'm honest...
i don't want to be.
asha Sep 14
i always get the same gift,
just wrapped in different paper.

i pause, i listen,
respond, honestly.
i pause, reach out,
remember, i love you.
i pause, awake early,
you rise, feast on my labor.
i pause, i pay,
open wallet, for our memories.
i pause, remember you,
a simple gift, out of love.
i pause, i pause, i pause.
i pause to give,
give all of what i have,
to love you, care for you,
to bring a smile to your face.

my pauses become longer,
my body becomes weaker,
my heart becomes depleted,
my mind becomes scattered,
& im exhausted.
so tired that my eyebags have eyebags,
my tears like a dried up lake,
my heart shriveled & empty.
i gave all of me, all i had.
every pause belonged to you.
but none belonged to me.

you look confused,
upset, hurt.
you scoff, angry,
that i have become empty.
you think i am neglecting you,
i try to pause for me.
you accuse me of selfishness,
accuse me of manipulation.
you say my pauses were calculations,
that i am only there when i need something.
but i never needed anything,
just for you to...
pause.

the gift i get, is all the same
just wrapped in different papers.
leeches, vampires, vacuums,
anything to **** my heart dry.
yet told that i should be grateful,
for receiving a gift at all.
but all my pauses are gifts,
gifts of all i have to offer.
to give a smile,
is sometimes all i have in me.
but i will give it freely anyway.
but no one pauses for me,
they just keep on walking.
taking with them,
fragments of me.
asha Aug 31
depression doesn't hurt me,
the way you think it would.
it kisses me gently like a lover,
& holds me close, protectively.
depression doesn't hurt me,
the way you expect it to.
because it ceases to feel like pain.
it just suddenly feels like home.
asha Aug 31
your body interests me,
but your mind excites me.
every time we speak it's as if...
i've known you for years...
& then you disappear.
& i wonder if it's all in my head,
maybe you are my lucid dream.
asha Aug 27
my hands tingle.
these hands don’t feel mine.
they don’t look like mine.
they resemble that of some scary witch,
nails long & sharp.
they don’t look mine.
this is not my skin.
my skin is lighter,
my skin is frail.
whos body is this?
how did i get trapped here.
i see myself in the mirror,
& i don’t recognize this girl staring back at me,
with such deep, dark, yet hollow eyes.
a doll, vacant but beautiful.
not what i would call beautiful…
but i guess she’s alright.
i feel sorry for her,
so empty.
i want to reach out & hold her,
tell her she will be alright.
as if she can hear me,
her eyes well silently
& tears drip slowly.
but still, that empty stare…
where have you gone?
i hear music playing,
but the sound is blurry
& the shapes around her are mumbled.
my arms feel weak,
as if i can’t lift them.
my eyelids are heavy,
as if i can’t keep them open.
where am i?
who am i?
is that vacant girl me?
that can’t be,
it can’t be….
asha Jun 26
i like you but don't love you
i think of you but i don't worry about you
i want to hold you but i won't attempt to
i want to kiss you but i know i shouldn't
i want to love you but my heart belongs to my boyfriend.
i love him, he makes me happy,
he loves me, he treats me incredibly well
i want to wake up next to him for the rest of my life
it hurts me that i like you, even if it's only kind of
even if my feelings for you are flimsy & frail
even though i know it's probably a little crush
that will fade away into the friendship we intended it to be.
maybe if i met you sooner.
or never at all.
i dont know where you stand.
every time i see you, it's like you feel the same
it's like you want me to be happy so you sacrifice your own
i cannot tell
if you feel the same or not.
& i want to know.
but if i knew for sure you felt the same,
too many paths would open
& you are not an adventure i can or want to take right now
& the admission fees are too high.
been writing on paper instead of online for a while now. this one is from last month
asha Jul 2018
the depth of my soul can only be expressed
           among the midst of burning
                                      hearts &
                                               raining
                                             eyes.
the maze of my thoughts can only be
                                                                spoken
         through              br  o  k e n,
                                         ink-
                                              -d-i-p-p-e-d   hearts.
only when my mind is
                                                 bent &
                                          curled &
                                   swirled &
                                         l o s t
can my words begin to mean something.

only when my head is                  light &             hazy

& my perception compares to that of some
drug-
        -fueled
                 frenzy,
can my words be
                                                  beautiful.

but i am happy,
                                 for the most part.

& so my words fall
                                                  off
                                                                                      the                    pag-

                                                                                                            -es.


& they mean nothing.
just some
simple
empty
ramblings.

of a newly
normal
girl.
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