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honey Jan 29
although the years have come and gone,
still my heart aches
each year, it repeats
the same pain in my chest
at first so slow i almost don't notice it
quietly dripping in the distance
like a leaky faucet
and suddenly i remember your smile,
your laugh, your curls
and as if Zeus himself struck me,
the ache in my heart returns.
overcome with emotions
all i can do is sit and cry
and i mourn you all over again.
and yet you're still breathing.
and i should have let go already.
it happens around the same time each year.
sometimes it comes a few weeks early,
sometimes it's right on the nose...
i know it's all rose coloured glasses
i know it's all a fantasy i cling to.
just know, i pray for you still
i pray that you're happy and at peace
i pray that life is good to you
i have no selfish bone left in my body for you,
but one.
only one that somehow prays
that you'll find me
and tell me it wasn't a lie...
so that we can go back to loving from a distance.
this year it came early,
the ache, like a car crash.
so forgive me for being early in saying this..

and i know you probably don't miss me
or ache over me like i do for you...
but i loved you once,
i love you still
i always have
and always will..

happy birthday tj
honey Oct 2020
like the steadiness before a jump scare
in those cliché horror films.
how long has it been, since... since--
how am i to finish my words if i cant--?
a thought replays on its own,
alone, alone
like myself, alone.
like a broken vinyl skipping, skipping
over the same line, it repeats.
& i cannot think-- focus-- think.
a single thought, repeating,
suddenly it evaporates.
& when i--

a new one,
gently floating in like a ship through the fog in the night
until it too, sinks.
it's too hot
it's too cold.
god, the ache, it aches.

how am i to explain if i keep dropping--
if they keep falling?
nothing but the eerie hum,
of that thing-- what thing-- what is that called again?

i can't seem to hold on
i can't--
how am i to finish if i can't--?
my eyes are bruised & swollen
it's not safe to open the gate here,
i just need to-- want to-- have to cry
but i don't know what's there

just like the thoughts keep slipping,
they disappear too.
where are they?
what's happened?

i seem to have misplaced it.
the wires are unplugged,
where have the wires gone?
how can i finish
if i can't
the connections?

what was i saying-- doing-- thinking?
.................... oh, it's raining outside..
honey Aug 2020
as long as i hold in the sting,
& my eyes don't betray my smile,
as long as i don't say the wrong thing,
this will make it all worthwhile.

i assure you, there is no depth,
nothing but a mannequin in disguise,
what you see, what you get,
only blankness behind the eyes.

painting these cell bars pink,
trading reality for daydreams,
stubbornly refusing to stop & think,
unless it's in extremes.

will this hollowness continue to grow?
can i escape the apathetic nightmare?
i don't ever really know,
& i don't seem to really care.
i think happiness & stability bores me at this point...
honey Apr 2020
they're saying to call your family,
check in on your friends,
stay in touch with those you love.

to ease you of the panic,
to help release the stress
& to keep your relationships strong.

so day after day,
i do my part to reach out
& do my best to show i care.

but my phone does not ring,
my battery full, my messages empty.
i guess i don't really matter.
honey Apr 2020
maybe if i told myself "i am beautiful" enough,
one day, i might believe it
honey Dec 2019
my heart overflows when i feel you in my arms
a writer to my core left speechless in your wake
a smile that exhales a breath of genuine kindness
& eyes that radiate a pure love that i have never known
my love for you struggles to keep itself contained.
your love has dug deep beneath my ribcage
& carved it's initials into my lungs
so that every time i breathe,
i inhale a piece of your love.
& i could not think of anything sweeter
than the taste of what i feel when i hold you.

honey Dec 2019
i once heard whispers of glass,
that could see beyond skin.
i burned my hands on steam
& followed the rivers north.
once the fog lifted
& the dew fell,
i was frightened by what i saw.
a beast with tar pit eyes,
a glare that could **** the bravest of kings.
i felt the chill run up my spine
& i tried to back away slowly.
but as i did i fell forward
& came face to face with this hideous beast.
to see that it was only me.
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