There are many different types
of seconds
seconds as in time
or seconds of a thanksgiving meal
but
the most painful
is you being second
always the second choice
almost the best
but not quite
someone always
comes before you
or someone
always does better
it is the most infuriating, painful second
i would much rather
deal with
seconds of dessert.

What is it about winter
that strips us bare?
are we trying to blend
with the trees
or become hollow
like the sound of the wind?
i just know it makes me vulnerable
and a slave to my emotions.
im in awe with
the first snow fall
and the way i can see
my breathe in the air
to prove how i am truly alive
although it does fade in time
gets old
much like young love.
i am infatuated with winter
but it's only
a fling
as another portion of the year
will roll around
flowers will grow
around my ribcage
and sunshine
will glow from my skin
i will cater to my emotions
and shape them into positivity.
i will fall into love
with summertime;
freckles and tanlines.
until another portion of the year
rolls around,
and a new piece of me is born.

How lovely it is
waking up
to a brief moment of no memory.
It's a clean slate,
a fuzzy calmness
until it rushes back to you.
A tidal wave
of emotions
and memories
all before 9 am.

I'm terrified
of the ticking on the clock
my heart is being tugged
and arteries clogged with nonstop thoughts
saying im wasting my life away.
routine is a comfort
but is it disguised
and is actually a vice?
i lay in bed
with an image of my house
then my state
my country
the world
the universe
and feel rage pooling
in corners of my mind.
i am forced
to drag myself out of bed
see the sunrise
as something to resent
because i hate what it represents.
i want to wake up
with the regret i even fell asleep
because my life is that thrilling,
so in this vast universe
knowing i am of the least importance to it,
i want to make
my tiny meaningless life
meaningful to me
and look back on it
to see maps and roads of the world
in my veins

There is a certain sadness
that can't be burned away
by a hot shower
or suffocated
by your favorite sweater
you have to take control of it
blow the dust off of its suitcase
and pack it
shake its shoulders
and order it to leave
because you have decided
while focusing on the thorns
to finally look at the rose
and soon enough
you'll take calming baths
and choose to  wear a sundress
to feel warmth on your skin
you will fall in love
with being alive

I came home
from a concert
with my ears ringing
my mother said it was hearing damage
which i can believe
i could feel the beat in my chest
drumming against my rib cage
electrocuting my veins
it made me realize
if you're going to live
truly live
it's better to wear out your senses
hear words sung
guitar riffs that shake your eardrums
make you feel alive
seeing sights
a baby being born
your first funeral
things may burn your eyes
or open them
see the world
even the dustiest most harmful corners
feel
feel every emotion
even if it hurts
claws your inside and makes you feel dead
because there are the wonderful emotions left
inside of you
laughing until you feel like you've ran a marathon
the feeling of your first love
being in a city
or sleeping in on a rainy morning
hearing
seeing
feeling
*wear them out

Presence is something we often take for granted
we don't truly realize it
until it is missing
we feel it absently
it's familiar
comforting
the presence of loved ones
a heart beat by your side
but when it is gone
we realize it
but we don't feel it
it's missing
it's heart breaking
hollow
your ears ring with silence
although there is a heart beat
that will always remain
alone inside a cage
yours