So in the end
when the lights are burned out
I like this
I find my comfort in disaster
For anything more than heart wrenching chaos,
would scare me anyway

I am a girl, mere five foot four
When I was young I dreamed of more
Of slender legs and five foot ten
for the attention of a million men
Slapped in the face with perfection
everyday I felt rejection
In a world where beauty is one shade
there was nothing I would not trade
But with one deep breath I let it go
I deserve to grow and grow
So see beneath my shallow skin
and it will thicken once again
Forget the ******* the glossy page
and watch the grates lift from your cage
Although I wished with all my might
I now accept this is my height
As you age you learn to see
beauty means just being free

I break through
the bars that do
not hold me captive
There were never
chains or bolts
My body free to
fly yet so heavy
to soar
The weighted calmness
of being still has
robbed the independence
in my veins
But with one breath
I take back what was
mine and walk through
the gate that was never
closed.

I hate overly yellow bananas
and cilantro in my salad
I hate fleecy sweaters
and pony tails that are too tight
I hate when I can't sleep because I drank too much coffee
and when nobody tells me goodnight

I hate when you promise the sky because you can
and when you don't care
I hate when you yell
and my eyes start to burn
I hate when you're never around
and that you never were
I hate that you try and control me
but know nothing about me
I hate that I have never been a priority
and I know that I never will...

The scent of defeat oozes from my pores
as I lay there motionless and satisfied
My toes are tingling as your hand rests on my hip
My thoughts blank as my mind rests on your heart
What does it feel? What can't you see?

I lay my head upon your chest and assume you imagine it's not me
You see my hair as brown and my heart hopefully unscathed
Am I a filler or a plug, that doesn't let your heart wash down the drain?
Why can't you see me?

My eyes pierce your soul and you look at me like a blank slate
Not worth the time to make something of, yet too scared to throw me away.
My anxious reality won't let you go- what if tomorrow you see me?

I told myself I wouldn't surrender to your breath against the blade of my shoulder,
or the trace of your fingers just above my knee,
but I did
The scent of defeat oozes from the quaking warm shiver you sent through my body
As my eyes gently close and approach a dreamless sleep I pray.
*see me, finally see me

We all have our vices, but you are not excused
Everything you've ever given me reeks of *****
I get it I guess, life is like a cage
But here you are, always caught up in rage
Promises for tomorrow are feeble excuses
When I know you think only on life's sweetest juices
It's okay though, continue letting me down
The funny part is I will never drown
Drag me across a road full of witches and thieves
But look at me, I have barely scrapped my knees
Toughness I see does not run in our blood
I face my problems like a sailboat in a flood
One thing I've learned since you've called me your baby:
Life is much better when you stop believing in maybe
The future before me is so big and so bright
Therefore I thank you for showing me the darkness of night
I hope that one day you learn to be brave,
And face your demons before your grave
Although my heart now will never beat quite right
I love you forever, without hate and no spite

I kinda wish you'd give me a shove
slap me in the face, or direction,
metaphorically.
Then at least when I trudged down the sidewalk I would be dignified
Bruised but not scarred I could cry you out
But here I am
Caught in limbo with long nights and short chats

In a tiny church with an overlarge steeple
I opened the doors to see all the people
A little girl stood there and sang about god
and all the sheep stared, shocked and awed
As the tears rolled down her rosy red cheek,
each one symbolizing another week
A week of havoc, pain and circular gain,
we live in a world that knows no blame
I stared at her focusing on innocent eyes,
her naivety made them so big and so wise
She looked at the crowd, they were hungry for more,
she thought of her sister, shunned for being a *****
If we are his children and all loved the same
how come people live life with no name?
How come I have the world in my palms
when girls with my birthday are running from bombs?
Her answers will go unanswered forever,
she will be called a fool for being so clever
Dear god you are supposed to show us the answers,
but our youth sees only society's best cancers
How can a little girl have faith in your craze,
when she sees people hungry, day into days
So you see dear lord I don't really believe,
all these people need to rise up from their knees
Stop praying for someone to change your fate,
and do it yourself, open your own gate
Love thy neighbour and to ones own self be true
but don't do it for him, do it for you.

The fast-paced escape of early spring rivers
and the reality that people come and go
The cold temptation of crying out
but my pride won't let me scream no

May the truth of all things be told,
I will shape you into my mold
String you along by a thread,
Then make you feel heavier than lead
Lift me way up high,
I need to feel worthy of the sky
You think I am just what you need,
But that is just part of my greed
You will just be another name,
But late one night I will feel the blame
Wash over me like a storm,
But that has just become the norm
"What a witch", you tell your friend,
And I know I need to mend
But yes is always easier than no,
I famously go with the flow
I stare at my golden reflection,
Typically pray for affection
I'm never nice to the ones who fit me right,
Always he who stands under a rose colored light.

Sorry to tell you,
but we are not one in the same.
Bloodily tied by our fully extended limbs,
we hold onto different blame.
Attached by cordial hellos
and torn apart by distance,
we should never have to try this hard to find consistence.
Although time has become just a number, and hurt has become my armour
I will never forget your choices.

A sun is not a sun
if there is no rain
What makes a light be
bright without the dark
sorrows of nothingness
What is light for
me might be
dull for her...
What is a sun with no rain?

What a peculiar thing
it is to feel
To brush up against
shards of stuff that
hurts much more than
glass
Then sanded off
by warm silk
Smoothed in all
the right places
What a peculiar thing
it is to feel
a burn that is cold
Smoldering on inside
with only one extinguisher
Why are my hands
always in the fire.

I promise to be good if you promise you'll be better
I promise to shut my eyes to the world if you open yours to mine
I will let it all go if you grab for my hand
I promise to fall asleep with my head on your shoulder if you don't wake me up
I promise to regret everyone else if you kiss me and mean it
My promises are empty if you don't have any

You are cruel and unforgiving
You haunt everyone and bring nothing
My cool calm collected-ness fades as you
Stand before me taunting me with your ever seeming grace
I become ugly and spiteful filled with envy and questions,
My words are now dark driven with hate,
For a person I do not know,
Now knows my fate
My cheeks burn and knees shake
Thank you jealousy for closing the gate

You are the girl,
the girl with sunken eyes
the girl whose hair is a mess with no brush
whose life is a mess with no luck
the angel with a black heart that has been stepped on one too many times
you are  the girl who has no conscience
but whose mother raised her to be a goddess
but instead she’s here, you’re here
alone, kinda

I breathe people in like the necessity of air
and even though I know I need to exhale
I wish I could hold it in for a second more
and forget

a battle well fought
is a battle worth losing
for what we once thrived for
is what makes life worth living
you live for a person then what is your life?
a shadow of nothing or a roll of a dice?
a battle well fought
is a battle worth losing
for if you are my all
and my all has been given
I've lived for a person and tried as i might
love is a war, a struggle a fight
If a war has been summoned and we are now soldiers
my daffodil traded for diamonds and roses
innocence garbaged for vanity and sin
then here is my promise my aching surrender
I will walk to you adorned in white
only to hand you my flag, laceless and bright

The narrow path of heading nowhere
leads me back to the rhetorical
In a place where being yourself is mediocre
How do you find concrete?
How do you find the strong blocks that make the future
if your future is based on other people?
raw emotions are my flaw
I feel too much and hurt you all

Carved into a mould
just like everyone around
You tell me I am beautiful
I guess your voice is a nice sound
You see beauty is like a tree,
that grows in different ways
Like me for what I can't control
I guess I'm just a phase
My words ring hollow nothing,
I yell but no one is around
Look through into my mind
I've been waiting to be found
Beauty is a funny thing,
crippling in a way
See only what you want to see
and keep the rest a bay
For a pretty face is only that,
impossible to be more
A person can't be everything
unless she is a *****

If in a way I find myself
it will be in a deserted place
where mountains exude nasty rocks
and people need their space
In a world of sickening wounds
we all have our scars
and if I try and find what I've lost
It will remind me of what we called ours

Wide awake with my feelings intact
rather, they are sort of like a tac.
On the bottom of my feet,
forcing their way into my flesh with every step.
In fact my feelings are like a cage with tiny grates
that allow me to see everything, excluding the full picture.
I want to forget what it's like to feel, or care.
My sanity lies in a world where I am unattached,
but that is like moving a beach one grain of sand at a time.
When I recall your words, it is never quite in verbatim
always using my own language to sugar coat
or, more commonly, assume you the worst.
It is not what it is
it never is, we all know that

in peaceful daze I wander
not knowing which way is wrong
in what kind of world do you kiss me like that
yet I spend my nights alone

No matter where I go
No matter what I say
I will always be wrong
The daylight is always grey

For what I feel and what I do
Is a muted sound, unless there is you

On the edge of the sea
so deep and blue
Like everything and nothing
like your words and how I read them
Like your wandering eyes,
away from me that is,
until I'm adorned
Adorned in extravagance
then I'm "beautiful"
I found you in the darkness
and that's where we stayed
Stuck in the shadows of after midnight,
tangled up in each other not wanting to let go
Or so it felt
The soft light of morning touched my skin
and now I'm toxic
So until the sun sets again...

Twisted tail of me and you
Been so long and felt so true
But I hug my feelings and you guard yours
All I wanted was your stuff in my drawers
But you want to be free
And who am I to plea?
So now you be you
And I'll be me

A year rolls by
so fast I can't think
The things I felt seem so distance
the people I loved so far
Next time this year
how will I feel?
Hopefully not this small...

This is the truth
for I speak nothing
less
Respect is a circle,
square, triangle
Admits my mind
sings for you
but my song
is not loud
Tune is off, key is
not right
(will not turn)
Maybe you are not me?

Like the sky,
or my bed
Space between
you and me
Sometimes so close
and touching
Sometimes I
do not know
where you are
Press yourself against me
and stay,
finally stay.

Here is the funny thing about being your shadow.
I follow you everywhere, with only two exceptions.
When you turn off the lights and pull her close in the comfort of darkness.
But worse than that is when the sun is shining directly on you and you are happy (then I am really gone).

I pray for the strength to to the things I do not want to do
I ask for the courage to guide me to my everlasting home
I wish for people to love without intention
I need to feel the way I am supposed to
I know that all of this is ridiculous

How long will you be here?
How long until you're gone?
How long until I lose control?
How long will I be strong?
I need to know the truth,
My heart is a pounding cave.
How long will I be happy,
before I need to become brave?
Although sadness is my strong suit,
I pair it with a smile.
I know love is like a ticking clock,
happiness is just for a while.

Floating in the air above me:
that's where sleep goes on a sleepless night.
Taunts me like a black desire.
Everything is such a fight

Sometimes I forget that I am made of glass.
Thick shards of my piercing words digging into your beautiful fragility.
Careful now, I remind myself.
For as much as I can hurt,
If you leave, I will shatter.