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Oct 2018 · 516
nicotine
Hollau Oct 2018
The first signs of an addiction:
Quickened heartbeat, dilated eyes—
I felt both the first time I saw you.

Soon we were associates.
I learned the sound of your voice.
I grew used to hearing it daily—
morning, afternoon, night.
It fed my soul, which craved attention.

I became enthralled with your existence.

before you, I was cold,
but your smile was infectious;
when you were truly happy, it radiated off of you
and ignited what I had long forgotten.

I held on to each word that rolled off of your tongue
as each syllable fed my addiction
and my desire consumed me.

Your gentle eyes were welcoming,
your presence comforting, even in my darkest times—
but as I fell deeper, the flaws began to reveal themselves.

You’re so arrogant; yet I want more.
You’re outspoken at the most inappropriate times
You’re selfish; you don’t think before you spring into action,
but I can’t help it—I’m enthralled with your power.
Your aggressive passion brings me excitement.

I fight for dominance against you
as we banter throughout the night
hoping that someday
I might escape from your siren song
and become your addiction instead.

For now, I sit and consume you until my lungs are filled—
until my mind is high enough to separate from your touch
so I may continue with my life for a brief moment.

You ruin me, but I can’t get enough.
love is quite the drug--
or is it lust?
Jun 2018 · 304
the race
Hollau Jun 2018
every night she stares at herself in the mirror
watching as trails of pain slip down her face
side by side

she stares deeper into her green pools of despair;
forests where the winds are alone to call for blessings.
they beg for relief as she plunges deeper into herself

the runners are unstoppable
they ignore the creases of her rosy skin
and follow the flow of gravity

they pass her pearly teeth
braced to fight wars
because her words are stronger than she will ever be

she is a pawn in the twisted agenda of a scarred mind
which seeks to pull her apart

she presses cracked lips against a bottle
they are the finish line for her dewy sadness

the racers hang off her chin before falling to the floor

she tips her head back after the photo finish
she has lost.
May 2018 · 247
I never wanted to love you.
Hollau May 2018
I never wanted to cling to every word you said to me
as if it were your last.
I never wanted to know the way your hair curved above your forehead like a wave about to crash,
or how I imagined running my hands through its soft currents.
I never wanted to get lost in the depths of your eyes
because I knew each chestnut oasis was a portal to your vulnerability,
and that would destroy me.
I never wanted to remember of the way you beamed with a smile
bright enough to evaporate pouring rain in a thunderstorm.
I never wanted to touch your skin so I could feel the pulse
that reminded me of your humanity.
I never wanted to discover that the calm of your voice
was the only thing I searched for in a crowded room.
I never wanted to realize you were the only one who understood
every scar within my soul.
I never wanted to walk together until we faded
into a landscape we couldn’t wait to paint together.

I never wanted to love you;  
but here I am.
Hollau May 2018
I could never find the right way to tell you,
I know words won’t be enough.
I didn’t want to talk to much,
just wanted to show you love.

streetlights passing; every one gets me a heartbeat closer
to where it started beating.
walking down the street from the day we met;
even after everything, I can’t forget to think of you

you acted shy, but I didn’t miss your grinning face.

scattered hearts, broken glass;
getting lost in the sounds of our hearts beating;

all I ever really wanted in this short life was you

my heart feels drunk;
your smile’s a drug.
with every moment that passes, I melt.

I’m ecstatic like a drug addict, strung out and spellbound

I feel your lightning in my veins,
I’m speechless, words cannot explain

I feel an aching when you step into my body in my mind
though I try to resist, I still want it all.

you were all that I was looking for,
could have had my heart, it was yours

let’s watch the evening sky,
witness our souls come to life;
dreams can melt like snow.
show me a sign, show me some life,  
without you, I’d lose me

let go of all your haunted dreams tonight;
I know your soul, I’ll be your home.
when the lights go out, you still got me.

you’d fit so perfectly to me,
we’d end our loneliness.

we lost track of the time
dreams aren’t what they used to be;
some things slide by so carelessly

we raise our love in a timeless land that is far out of reach

I remember how we were before;
it don’t feel like memories.

I fell in love out under the moonlight,
you took my hand and held me close, for once I was alright.
there was magic in the air and you were right here beside me.

we look up at the stars, a perfect night to dream with you
how I hope to have forever to spend right here in this world with you

feel all the things we might breathe in the air tonight,
get lost in our escape;
breathe in the air too late

since one day you will disappear, I’ll keep every part of you.

I remember when we used to be so close,
every now and then I think of when we broke.
held the strings tied to my heart; pulled then pushed away,

why can’t I get over you?
your love is a fire, I’m still high on the fumes

you are the piece of me I wish I didn’t need,
chasing relentlessly;
and I don’t know why.

when the night falls, the loneliness calls;
time to figure out how to chase my blues away.

when I fall into the dark you always haunt me
bags underneath my eyes, all of those sleepless nights
without you in my life

give me one night to man the pain.

every time I close my eyes I’m dreaming about you,
it keeps happening all the time;

even when the memories are put to bed, I think of you

I swear I could feel you in my arms, but there was no one there at all
I tossed and turned in the end;
I searched again and again, but I never found you

I’m still loving you in my mind.

nothing I haven’t tried to get you off my mind;
there’s no good reason why
state of dreaming has left me numb.

I just can’t get you off my mind and now I’m gonna be up all night
I’d rather stay awake when I’m asleep.

I just want to leave us behind.
It’s tearing me up inside.

I’ve cried for you, you’re in every part of me.
melt this curse away.

fading lovers,
two hearts beating on with different rhythms;
falling apart, still we hold together;

who are we to call each other selfish lovers?
we all need someone to hold.
I know it’s too much too soon to tell you that I need you by my side.

from the start we were changing,
I should have seen the signs;
no trace of what we could be

your heartbeat stops as I’m walking away
wait for me because I want to be where you are.

you know my love can hold you down.

I can’t fight this feeling, it’s not in my head;
I know it’s something I did.

oh how I miss the days we’d get carried away
am I just overthinking feelings I conceal?

everything is shattering, and it’s my mistake.
I meant to make it right.

don’t know what I was doing.
I ruined all the love we had before.  

I’m not freaking out, but I’m afraid of losing you.

I’m stuck in this fear
you put my life back together, I’m not broken anymore;

you will never know what you mean to me.
I hope you know, I can’t live without you.

you’re all I ever need,
I should be holding you.

I spent a lifetime on this, but I would give it up for you.

I make too many mistakes, better get this right.

face to face with all the voices in my head
do I still have to mean everything I ever said?

I won’t be the victim,
so slowly letting go;
but the world still moves on.

never thought that I could feel this way
what am I holding onto?

I wish that I could stay.

walking down the street where I broke your heart,
and I think of you.
holding it together ’til I fall apart
when I think of you.  

take my hand and remind me
of what we used to believe and dream to be.
take me back to when things used to be so simple.

run to the moment and set me free.

we’re smiling, but we’re close to tears
trying to make it work.

can we go back to where our memories don’t exist;
fall away and drift to where we won’t be missed?
won’t you come back into me where you belong?

you can count on it, I’m where you left me
I can count on you to show me the way

hope that I can turn back the time to make it all alright,
I promise to build a new world for us;

gaze into my eyes when the fire starts,
fan the flame that melts our hearts;
illuminate a world that’ll try to bring you down.

know that it’s you; the reason that I come alive, it lives in your eyes.
these will be times that I will miss.

not gonna tell you that I’m over it,
I think about it every night

my heart’s burning and it’s turning black,
but I’m learning how to be stronger

tonight I’ll breathe in the future and tear down my walls,
force the feelings away ‘cause
they were never meant to stay.

I never wanted it to be this way,
I might’ve thought that we could last forever
the days felt so long, things fit perfectly

all we ever wanted is to feel alive.
it’s too late, I’m sorry, darling

I’m slipping through the place that we once knew,
all I can feel is you.

I lost you, now I see
I’m not in love and you’re not worth my tears;

now you’re just a name, a face I used to know
but everybody seems to look like you.  

we’ll fade and be forgotten, like ashes; washed away
no trace of what we stand for; what we could be

together we wait for silence.
fall into the hands of a greater unknown.  

I’ve been worried if you’ll be okay;
I don’t want to miss you once I’ve waved goodbye.

don’t wanna waste love; don’t wanna hurt you.

understanding that I have to go this way is harder than asking me to stay

I’ll go alone and never speak of this again;
I’ll depend on you.  

I cannot come back this time;
I will be listening for you.

isn’t this, too, just fate and nothing more?

I know we’ll become who we’re meant to be.

I hope we find our missing pieces.

fade away, fade away, I say to our love.

sincerely,
I love you dearly
Composed of lyrics from songs that I've listened to over the years. I wanted to show how the narratives and emotions flow together to create one that relates to my perspective
Apr 2018 · 306
lost and found
Hollau Apr 2018
I remember that night.
Sitting on the bench, side by side.
Both of us hungover; a dilapidated sight.

I wanted to tell you
all the thoughts which my heart had formed,
but my lips could not.

You smirked, almost as if you knew.

Our lives were once entwined;  
both of us tangled in the love of the other,  
now I feel as if our love is blind.

And we have lost sight of what we were.

Without you, there is cold;  
An empty void where my heart fell  
to depths I have never felt in search of old  
flames to reignite the spark you left.

I will never forget you;
I can’t ever forget you;
I don’t want to forget you.

You made me whole,
so I will keep searching;

I will remain broken until I find you again

However long it takes;
I hope you are still sitting on a bench
waiting for me
Apr 2018 · 248
toxic lover
Hollau Apr 2018
I was a blooming daisy  
and you were the **** I stumbled upon
your roots strangled me as I tried to grow
they teased me and tested me
but your words became a daily comfort
so I stood tall and reached towards the sun
that neither of us thought I could reach
because I wanted to prove to you
that I could stand on my own

my heart broke when you were torn away from me
without you, I could invest in my own growth  
but I still longed for your company
you were the only one who ever challenged me
to be more than I could have been before

we both knew it was for the best,
but I will never stop missing you
and hoping someday you will return to my garden
to poison me again
so I can blossom into who I am meant to become
Hollau Mar 2018
I was once a carefree and playful child
one who watched movies, and as a result  
grew up learning there was a love interest
in every scenario
I saw character development and watched
as the former loser would overcome their own fears
and get the beauty
every **** time.
they gained their confidence, plus
a partner in crime to share their new life with
as they shared a passionate kiss
and rode happily into the sunset

I grew with these false premises in my mind
as I waded carefully through the torrential downpour
of emotions in my angsty adolescence
I wasn’t yet confident enough in myself to imagine
someone by my side to share my suffering
but I thought that one day, I would be
and they would reach out to me
as suddenly as they had on tv

the former loser was never my path to follow.
I am ending my teen years as a different trope
the confident girl who doesn’t need anyone else
she knows her flaws, but loves herself endlessly,
but this is where the storyline fails.
I still walk with my head high,
but I have yet to attract my match
with the personality everyone boasts will be enough
it’s not.

it’s never enough.

it’s time for film to be a little more ******* accurate,
but maybe that’s why we love it so much?
It shares the stories that we may never know,
in a world so full of desire,
yet so devoid of passion for one another.

Cheers to you for seeking your sunset lover.
I’ll be waiting in the club of broken hearts  
when reality shatters your hope
and leaves you to live the same path
as I.

Maybe then it won’t be so lonely.
Hollau Mar 2018
you were once so small
your tiny lungs barely moved
they thought you wouldn’t make it
you did

you grew slowly
your legs never stopped running
your mind never stopped thinking
you wanted to do everything
you still do

you got older
your mind began to slip
your skin began to sting
as you took yourself for granted
and wanted nothing more than to fade away
yet you still remain

you survived
your mind still wanders
you search endlessly
for what you know you need
but what you can never find
you still haven’t

you have loved
and lost
you repeat the cycle
and carry your mind through your childhood bliss
your dark adolescence
and finally to the new horizons of your life
as an eighteen year-old
who is already having a mid-life crisis
Feb 2018 · 237
the moon knows no love
Hollau Feb 2018
the dawn of a new beginning.
siren songs of promises for reunion, quickly dying
beneath the blinding rays of hope you had sworn to me
as I waited to watch another day pass across your face.

the light I saw was an illusion for the hope you led me to believe in.
perhaps I had finally found a soulmate
to share my rotations with.

for a moment, I felt joy
it was only a fleeting moment
and just before I could fully appreciate the deep blues of your soul
you whisked your lush home away from me
and left my stone heart to freeze.

the spirit of love I had fostered
was split by the blazing comet of your cunning
and I felt my chilled core dissolve in the emptiness of space
as your selfishness broke me out of orbit
and left me to find a new solar system.

the stardust of my tears stick to your atmosphere  
to remind you of the love that we had
but what you only took for granted
as you and I drift apart in our galaxies.

when you collide with something beyond yourself
and reach the dusk of your last breath,
I hope you think of me.
Feb 2018 · 222
pause
Hollau Feb 2018
What if it all
stopped
all of a sudden
maybe it would give us a chance to breathe
a chance to feel
a chance to be alive
I wouldn’t know what that’s like
instead I continue living in a constant world
where everything must be
immediate
and instantaneous
and there isn't enough time
but also too much
and everything blends together
until
it becomes as
meaningless
as the sad life
I live

wouldn’t it be nice to look at the world with new eyes?
with fresh lungs that can
pause
between thoughts
and take in the breathtaking beauty
that surrounds me
while the rest of the people on earth continue
in their feeding frenzy
trying to consume everything
when really
everything
s
l
o
w
l
y
consumes them.
Feb 2018 · 414
the gardener
Hollau Feb 2018
you trampled our sacred garden
and ripped out what had blossomed
once from love
now in lust
as you left for a new flowerbed
leaving my heart to shrivel and die in the blazing sun
as my anger dehydrated the supple foliage
that I had worked so long to nurture

without your care,
what was once our lush oasis
is now a withering desert
that will only welcome your presence
with thorns
Jan 2018 · 194
the cycle of the seasons
Hollau Jan 2018
it is fall
the sounds of unfamiliar voices fills my mind with fear
as my eyes wander around this new place
the sheltering leaves of my dead summer fall away
you assure me with a calming serenade
and promise everything will be okay

I trust you

it is winter
the cold air steals my breath away
we grow through each other’s joys and pains together
your warmth melts my worries away
and we laugh carelessly like schoolchildren
a spark is ignited inside me and I dream of the summer days to come

I love you

it is spring
the sun bounces off of your glass frames and blinds me
while I watch petals fall around us
they cast a shadow to hide the emotion in your eyes
but I see them reflect the pain in my own
I feel our connection blow away in the wind as we turn our backs
and retreat to pursue new life

I lose you

it is summer
I still think about you.
the endless daylight has cured some of my ailments
while new freckles dot my skin like constellations
my heart still beats in time with the steps that we took together
nothing can replace the symphony of our banter  
that made up a concert to bring joy
only to us

I miss you

they say distance makes the heart grow fonder
for us, the distance of time made the heart burst
and we were left separated with the tattered remains
of what once was
love

so, I sit and wait for another fall to come
to peel away the past
so I can blossom into new life
once again
Jan 2018 · 347
eclipse of the heart
Hollau Jan 2018
before I knew you, I was the moon
calm, silver, glowing
soothing everything below with my soft touch
as my light eased the world into slumber
I was a beacon after everything else was dark
so even those who were lost could find their way home

after I met you, I became the sun
warm, golden, radiant
bathing everything I touched in fiery light
to ignite the landscape with change
I was constantly burning with a flaming passion
for the joys of the life that I reached below

what I soon remembered was that you were the stars
and as long as I walked in daylight, we could never be together

every day, our radiant pink and orange tears
stain the sky as we pass each other
we desperately long to be together
but never achieve our dream

forever we will chase each other
until my heart that is so full of love for my new self
is ripped apart again
and I can dissolve into stardust to join you
Hollau Jan 2018
crimson tallies glisten across my skin
to remind me that I am losing an uphill battle
they poison me with weak thoughts from the devil’s tongue
as they remind me of how much I’ve lost
and how much I could have had

I have no grasp on anything that can ease my suffering
the only way to cure emotion is with feeling
but even while my heart beats, my body can no longer respond
all that is left is the pain of what I have left behind
and what I will never experience again

the masterpiece of scarlet stains on a bedsheet is my victor's parade
as I close my eyes for the last time
and forfeit the match
Jan 2018 · 248
why I love from afar
Hollau Jan 2018
my vision is a crystal clarity  
but
I stand back
because
everything
I get close to

s
  l
   o
    w
       l
        y

kills
me
Jan 2018 · 228
in time
Hollau Jan 2018
I saw you across the room
you were in front of me
daily
your dark hair stuck up at the bottom of my vision
as I tried to focus on the board
I could only really think of you

I learned you were a gentleman
when you escorted me home
weekly
you wanted me to be safe
for as long as I was in your view
and always beyond it

I realized our connection
too late to react before we were separated
monthly
an empty, painful longing began
as my dreams began to lose their grasp on you

when we returned, everything had changed
the tender voice I had once heard
daily
I began to never hear again

why did we lose each other
that precious connection gone
I ask myself
hourly
my mind never stops asking
questioning
wondering if there could ever have been anything more
if time hadn’t gotten in the way of me and you
Jan 2018 · 166
breathe
Hollau Jan 2018
She cried a thousand tears
because she was
afraid
that if she stopped  
she might not feel
anything
Jan 2018 · 215
home
Hollau Jan 2018
I was unaware I had missed you
until I felt my heart pang with longing
as I gazed at your sheltered valley
again for the first time

You nourished my growth
with sunlight and bare feet in endless grass
while keeping me from the cruelties of
concrete grids and glass prisons

One day I got lost in your redwood oasis
and tangled myself in your hair
because I couldn’t imagine living
anywhere else than with you  

I was too young to know the world
outside of your gentle exhale    
and foolishly took you for granted
as you became a burden with age

I ached to feel excitement beyond
the cautious daylight you offered me
and prepared myself to leave you
without a second hesitation

You howled as I turned away
from everything you had given me  
but my sights were on the future
as I moved beyond what you could provide

I never looked back.
We both knew I couldn’t
or the pain would consume us
and we would ******* ourselves  
over the heartbreak of leaving the other

One day I would return and bathe    
in the refreshing starlight of your hidden sky
to heal the scars that the land of tar and steel
had left upon my sun-kissed skin

I never stopped loving you
I only keep my distance  
to save myself from the pain
of leaving you again.

— The End —