it was too early to let go,
but was the sky—a hodgepodge of red, orange, and blue—
weeping for our permanent parting?
we were drowned in a swathe of starlight black
as if the moonlight cloaked us with invisible fabric?
we were there, i knew, but even my loudest shouts
was no match for your indifference.
our eyes, untrammeled even by the tempestuous winds,
gazing like rapiers through skin,
only vacillated by my innermost deluge.

in the nightfall, i see you outshining the sun,
but what am i then, a rock, a moon in the morning sky?
your gaze, resolute and unfaltering,
like a soldier facing a barrage of mercenaries.
i reach for you in my haze of thoughts,
only to be impeded by my wistful diffidence.
the mere thought of you electrify me—
a robot begging for every inch of shock.
you are my ardor through which my soul is replete,
a sharp pang as i wake up from my nocturnal reverie.

i am a monolith weathered by the voyage of time,
and in my days, crumble into specks of dust.
i'll get to you soon, however far it may be—
the earth, the sun—just as you breathe me in,
and only then will i truly leave.

there, it pierced my skin.
blood gushes out like fireworks in the night sky.
the pain gave me the life i've been longing.
years of existential dolor, culminating to this.

the sharp, searing pain.
demons in my brain—expunged at that moment.
sordid as you may call me, i have never felt more alive.
how much more is the blackout that follows this?

i want more of this.
the frissons of excitement that i feel in every drop.
i faint to the exhileration, but not before i smear
the tears of red on my face, the floor, my body.

i am now an effigy.
a mannequin, go burn me now and i'll cherish
every single moment of my flesh searing
as i languish in pain, but with a boisterous laugh!

i wanted pain.
life never gave me pleasure—the rapture of being alive.
all it gave me were the torment of misadventures.
i longed pain for so long, i'll savor every drop.

more. i yearn for more.
my visual blackouts are nearing, and the darkness—
it's waiting for me like a long lost brother, unseen.
i am ready to devote myself to a new life.

stop.
i don't want this.
nothing waits for me but an eternal darkness.
the void of which i'll spend the whole eternity.
it's too late.

i hear the door open.

my mom winces in shock.
she lets out a piercing shout
as painful as a bulldozer crushing me into splinters.

didn't you want this?
you've had a vehement yearning for liberation
for so long.
stop
you have no place in this world.
you are a nonentity in this world.
no i'm not
your life is nothing but an illusion.
mom, i'm sorry

the darkness envelops my vision into jet black.
i can no longer think.
what have i done
my brain is shutting down.
mom, i'm sorry

goodbye.

27/09/2018

we were in mutual coordinate
in natural synchrony of our own microcosms.
we were bathed in showers
of the starlit cloak that greets us before the morn.

we were slowly revolving
around our own mutual center of gravity.
we were slowly spiraling
as we near each other's force of attraction.

we saw each other spiraling toward
an event horizon, of which escapes are to no avail.
we were hurtling towards each other,
bracing no impact, but with arms wide open.

we danced 'til the night has passed,
and slowly have i realized the truth of it all.
we danced a moonlight dance,
but it was i, alone in my mind's delusional figment!

mirror, mirror on the wall,
who is the weakest of them all?
see my splintered fragments fall?
those pieces of me—big and small.

mirror, can you help me see
that wicked boy in front of me?
help me, mirror, i can't see
the charm of the world around me.

mirror, he's now out to ****,
if i won't love myself, who will?
years of numbness, i can't feel
the knife that's there to pierce my skin.

----------------------------------------------------

my mind is now starting to spin.
searing pain, but i can't feel.
if i won't love myself, who will?
mirror, he's now out to ****.

reflections of his memory—
as twisted as it could be.
that wicked boy in front of me,
mirror, can you help me see?

into the ground, i slowly fall.
see those red drops as they fall?
i am the weakest of them all,
mirror, mirror on the wall.

a vast orange fissure opens in the face of the earth.
the sky—a mirage of blue and orange—portends darkness.
the canyon, in its grandeur, is nothing more than
a tessellation of orange and black from shadows of unknown.

a measly being stands alone, right by a hungry cliff.
clueless, you are accompanied by aimless tumbleweeds.
they seem to be running away from something.
shouldn't you run away from whatever it is, too?

the wind sweeps the barren landscape, devoid of life.
the sun kisses vivid orange rocks and dirt one last time.
you shout to the seemingly-endless expanse of orange,
but you only hear the burning souls shouting in return.

the darkness slowly envelops your field of vision.
whatever is chasing you is now inching by, bit by bit.
the dusk is fast approaching, but you have nowhere to hide
                             ...and so you run, but the cliff is a dead end.

as clear as ice, in night or day
reflecting faintly, a soulful reverie
reminding its presence subtly
dewdrops dripping rhythmically

standing in the way, an invisible wall
trying to reach the distant horizon
of which, birds appear and disappear
like speckles of black in orange canvas

eyes—blank and expressionless
mournfully staring in quietude
of the distant mountains and hills
and clouds floating idly

in monotone silence,
a hand reaches out only to be impeded by a cold caress

the landscape—bleak and barren
a fur coat of white sprawls the horizon
snowflakes silently resting
glinting fulgently with the winter sun

rays of warmth in winter air
the sun caresses like mother's love
azure skies like paint on canvas—
as untainted as a daughter's heart

we are nothing but corporeal beings
tangible, earthly, and most of all, perishable

we are passengers riding in our own trains
in a seemingly perpetual motion
but we are doomed by our expiry
which could already be looming in the distance

it might already be standing by the door
ready to bury us beneath our tombstones

we get reminded by our impermanence
only when death himself shows at our doors

when we are already beneath our tombstones
emblazoned with our own epitaphs
we fade into dust, and become one with oblivion

but all is not lost, you can still see me looming there
in the blooming flower fields, in the open skies
out in the ocean, the wilderness

i fly with the birds, flow with the breeze
and swim with the fishes beneath the sea

in all your searching, you won't find me
but i am here, now one with the earth

i dwell in the past,
yet i live in the future

time flies so fast,
yet it feels like forever

we were each other's sunlight
shining brightly upon each other
as we give each other
a touch of earthly warmth

we were two celestial bodies
bound together by each other's gravity
revolving about a mutual coordinate
moving in universal synchrony

but it looks like all our hydrogen
has ran out and we collapsed
into a white dwarf—dim light
no life, no soul, cold to the touch

we are running out of light
and you gave up on emitting yours
yet i force myself to keep on shining
like i'm milking stone, it's hopeless

i started walking
since the beginning
who knows what lies ahead
at the very end of the road

a journey of a lifetime
as i continue to strive
but forward is the way i go
in this journey i'll undergo

millions of miles
and uncountable cries
forgotten and heard
by the long stretch of road

in this eternal struggle
and as i slowly crumble
will i ever reach the end
of this never-ending road

the both of us—
a dissonance in the making,
an F# to a C major chord,
a jumble of notes
with no harmony,
a series of notes
with no melody,
a sheet of music
that lacks feeling,
for all we have
are sharps and flats
that will never work together

the rhythmic crash
of the sea waves
as water trickles
beneath my feet
as it slowly washes
the sand on my skin
just before
it ebbs away
and then it flows
and then it ebbs
and then it flows
and then it ebbs
again and again
as i stood there
affixed to the moment
transfixed by the rhythm

and then, out of nowhere
it stopped
the tides have already
receded

subtle distortion
cloudy perception
hazy apprehension
figment of the imagination
fragmented realities
redrawn by consciousness
staged fantasies
drowned by emotions
reality slipping
deteriorating
bit by bit, darkening
details unraveling
slowly spiraling
a world in the making
eyes affixed
a world rendered
by a troubled mind
delusions unfold
illusions, manifold
ecstatic visions
tangible realities
world full of mysteries
crafted by miseries

and then there is me
left to wander
in a new world
that i crafted
that i masterminded
i know it is
not real
i keep telling myself
nothing's real
i keep persuading myself
it's not real
snap out of it
get out of there
before it's too late
wake up from the trance
but for once
it felt so real
so so real
just to let it all go

i drift along
with the waves
as they ebb and flow
in night and day

i let the waves
carry me
as they take me to
my unknown fate

whether it is
paradise
or some unknown shore—
that, i don't know

the only thing
that's left with
my burning
and unrequited love
are cinders capable
of flaming up again

i'm just waiting
for someone
to light it up again
but it surely
won't be you

i think about you
as i gaze at the stars
dazzling, twinkling stars
out in the cloudless sky

sparkling like glitter,
accompanying the moon
are miniature specks of light
gleaming all-night long

i sit here in the meadows
looking at the shimmering stars
dancing to the faint music
made by the rustling of the trees

now, i stare blankly
realizing how sad it must be
to be like a star, far away from
its nearest neighbor

the both of us are like stars
struggling to find
each other's light
because we are light years apart