Valentine's Day, I'd sooner choke.
On sarcasm, on cynicism, on smoke,
Pollute my lungs with tragedy.
Let me not hear sickening words,
Regurgitated love, deadened eyes,
Empty promises, reused lines.

A worldwide joke
That we are all in on
We all laugh along
Year after ****** year.
And you weep when love ends,
Falling away so soon.
As if the day
Would have fixed your issues

My trans body brings me joy,
My trans body brings me tears.
Everyday I put my binder on,
I am equal parts overjoyed,
And stood there in pain.
Joy in hiding from the world,
What I wish to be gone.
Pain in knowing that each day,
They will still be there.

Each time I cut my hair,
Each time I'm called handsome,
Each time I wear boxers,
Each time I wear cologne,
My trans body bring me joy.

Each time I'm called 'she',
Each time I'm on my period,
Each time I look at my *******,
Each time I'm called 'she'.
My trans body brings me tears.

But each day,
My voice is deeper,
My period is no more,
My smile is bigger,
My skin glows.
My trans body brings me joy.

Candlelight and sage,
The pendulums are swinging
The black cat's crying.

A blackbird sings
Along with the sunset
Clouds whispered sweetly.

Will you come meet me
At the horizon?
Past the willow trees,

Through the meadows,
Where their bodies
Rot and decompose.

The crows come to feast
On unspoken promises
And love that has ceased.

Now look ahead
Across the frozen lake,
Where few dare to tread,

Lest their disguise
Shatter and sink
Before sunken eyes

Beyond the wasteland
Of woes and lovers
You'll come to stand.

Where beats cry in the night
Woeful of those before
Now passing as mere wights.

Gazing at the cosmos,
I lie still
Having kept my soul close.

Will you come meet me
At the horizon
Past the willow trees?

They say that eyes,
Are the windows to the soul.
I'll not be chained
By this everlasting cliche.
But Honey, I get lost
Every time. Gazing into yours.
Swept away in their
Mystery, darkness, wonder.
I see clearly your walls,
A house on a hill.
Every brick laid down
With care, thoughtfulness.
Made to keep out
More harm, hurt, loss.
It is worn, sturdy,
Unyielding against the world.
Yet every now and then
I catch a glimpse
Of Lightness
Where others see dark.
And it tells me
More than words
Ever could.
And in this space
I am lost.
In this space
I see you.

What I thought would be easy
Turned out to be a trial.
I lay curled up feeling queasy.

Frustration, anger. A strong stance.
Is it denial in their faces?
Am I to give another chance?

But as I gaze into your eyes
Those soft, warm orbs bring light,
A fresh breath. I realise.

I shall conform no more
That young girl is gone,
This will not be like before.

Dead is the binary
The girl in the mirror, gone.
Now I see myself. Finally.

Societal chains bear me down
Some days I give in.
Allow myself to drown

In your norms
Your dead ways.
This strange form

Will never fit in,
I quickly realise
No matter the colour of skin.

Yet I gaze in the mirror,
I see myself, finally.
The world looks clearer.

Was this a lesson?
Meant to teach and hurt.
Well honey I'm confessin'
As I bleed out in the dirt.

Cigarette ashes and daydreams
Is where I've spent my time.
Between growth and extremes
It hits 2am, I hear the chime.

'Awake from this haze,
It's different now
You're having better days.
It's different now.'

Yet I lay on a dirt road
High on petrol fumes
On some kind of turbo mode
As the storm looms.

Blasted by soundwaves.
Sand and grit in my eyes
I glance at shallow graves
Had anyone heard their cries?

What's their story?
Is it like mine?
As complex and stormy?

I speed on past.
An unnatural high
That I seem to outlast.
A relieving sigh,

The cigarette's finished,
The high is still here,
I am no less diminished
In case that wasn't clear.

You tread a fine line
Afraid to look down.
Instead, pretend to be fine.

Avoid the doubts and fears.
No matter the cost,
The floods of tears.

They come biting back.
The insecurity,
A welcoming snack.

Latched on for dear life.
You find solace
At the edge of a knife.

Comforted and bewildered.
Malignant, yet benign.
You are bruised and blistered.

Here is where growth lies.

Where might confusion lie
About oneself?

The deep recesses of the mind.
Beneath masks and scars,
Is where you'll find me.
Amidst books and ink.
Within, without, all around.
Through meadows and trees,
The grass whispers and sings.
Deep secrets of the Earth.
You need to be right.
You need to be wrong.
Not rushed, nor cheated.
A steady hand. Pen to paper.
Trembling, in waves. In. Out.
Stay the course Dear one.
Seek not the out edge,
Within is where it lies.
Not among the birds.
Neither your friends nor family.
But deep in you
Is where it lies.

What might I let go of,
To seek the unknown?

To find discipline,
To keep honour.
Relinquish rage,
Release control.

Is it my heart?
Will it be my mind?

Unrest is rife,
Unease alike.
Reduced to tears,
Unsettling fears.

To retain loyalty,
Invite love again,
Strive for trust,
Be free once more.

What might I release
To seek the unknown?

Silence is all-consuming,
Deafening in its wake.
With pain looming.

Yet devoid of sound,
It shatters and breaks.
Leaves you clawing the ground,

Gasping for breath.
Seemingly calm, oh
Sweet dance of death.

When I rise again,
I pity them.
Those who caused pain.

Left me on the brink,
Gave me an anchor;
Watched me sink.

That melodious abyss,
A harrowing home
Mixed with blood and bliss.

Nae a crevice to hide,
From battles or storms
Nor the feelings inside.

Remember this
As I rise
You'll be left in remiss.

I walk hand in hand
With joy and pain.
Rest of the world be ******.

Remember this.
As I rise.

Everything may end,
The unknown knows.
All you dread.

You are held aloft.
Seeing the events.
Quiet and tense.

The storm builds,
Thunder softly stirs.
Shy away.

Come down,
Touch the earth.
Unbearing suspense.

Your breath is taken,
You are made blind.
Speech is numbed.

Hide from all,
Seek none.
Hear no-one.

Days go by
Silently and swift,
No-one asks why

They became one.
As the clouds merged
Under the beating sun.

Why fight it?
Damage the soul
And wound the spirit?

Let the days go,
And blend together.
Ending that happy glow.

The darkness comes
Calling once more,
As everything numbs.

It feels unsteady
To rise alone.
I promise you're ready.

The beating you hear,
Shocks you at first
It's foreign to the ear.

Feel its essence
Let it remind you
Of your existence.

How beautiful it is,
Unique and bright,
A wonderful oasis.

That no-one can take,
Distort or damage,
Bend nor break.

Listen to your heart,
It beats for you.
To set you apart.

Rise up dear one
The world awaits,
Your time has begun.

Beyond mountains and valleys
Within broken terrain,
Forests and green alleys.

There is a home,
Estranged yet luscious.
With the freedom to roam.

Birds soar above,
Creatures nest below.
A peculiar love.

Feel the call
In the gentle breeze.
Softly I fall

To the kind Earth.
'Where have you been?'
Said in sweet mirth.

I was searching,
Above and below,
And found nothing.

Here, you belong.
Since the beginning,
This was your song.

Your humble abode
Is always here.
It has ceased to erode.

The mind, ever tenuous,
Such burdening fragility
Forever nebulous.

With it no control.
It does not go gently,
Rather entangles the soul.

It sets sail,
To the ends of the earth
No tide, nor wind, nor gale

It will not slow.
Not for you.
Watch the current flow.

The stars watch you now,
Your hopes and wishes
They deliver somehow.

Will they come out?
Or drown in your mind
As you are left maligned.

I will not be chained
Beaten or broken
Much as I am pained.

The current will lead on,
The mind will cease looking,
Searching for what is gone.

There is beauty to be found,
In the company we keep,
High in the clouds, deep in the ground.
But it doesn't come cheap.

We can be cheated;
It's found within banknotes,
or that text you deleted.
Leaving a tightness in your throat.

Perhaps it was in that bottle,
Maybe under the bedsheets.
'You had it all.'
Yet it feels like defeat.

Look again, look harder.
You'll find it once more.
You shall speak with ardour.
Beauty is not a chore.

It's within conversations,
In the ink of the book
That built your foundation,
Even in that meal you cooked.

It's never far.
Just around that corner.
In the glint of the stars.
You begin to feel a bit warmer.

We cannot understand everything.
A harsh lesson from life.
Be steady, see the pendulum swing
In times of despair and strife.

Yet, I chose to know myself.
The dark caverns in my mind,
Those I had put on a shelf
That left me maligned.

I find myself on an edge,
I have been here before,
And when I fell I made a pledge.
That instead I would soar.

I look into the abyss,
It greets me as before,
With a smile and a kiss.
Features I grew to abhor.

What it does not know;
I am no longer afraid.
Innocence had to go
Just as the mist must fade.

I look into the night,
With a deep breath, I soar
Then the dark turns to light.
I am afraid no more.

I look at you and wonder,
How soft those tendrils feel,
Always pulling me asunder,
Pulling my mind to heel.

The looks you gave,
The depth of your eyes
Made my heart cave
As I reached new highs.

As if like pools of wisdom,
I'd willingly drown in them,
Feel my desires through a prism,
And allow fate to condemn

My hidden desires.
As they come and go
I seek not to douse the fires,
I'll leave the embers to glow.

Watch them light the night sky,
With a childish curiosity.
Against the damp ground, I lie
Carried by my precocity.

To share this
Would be wonderous,
This unadulterated bliss.
I'm left feeling ponderous.

Until such time,
I will lie here
Listening to the wind chime
As the embers disappear.

We started on the bed,
With hushed tones.
Hesitant on how to tread.
Still, an urge within our bones.

At first it was soft gazes,
Even softer gasps.
Like a fire that blazes,
Embraced in a heated clasp.

The heat of soft lips,
Pressing down, leaving trails
Along soft ******* and hips.
I took in all the details.

Then night after night,
I would see the marks,
The bruises, the bites
Within dips and arcs.

It couldn't stop there,
I never wanted it to.
Though I doubted to care,
For the things you could do.

Now I lay sated,
Awaiting the next encounter.
The next fire to be created
With flames that devour.

It was sweet innocence,
found in TV and films.
Oh, such simpleness.

In sheds, in the woods.
It was whimsical and fun.
Unspoiled by dark moods.

Countless nights in front of a screen.
Just as many mornings running late,
Building a foundation in-between.

Unknown to us both,
Life wouldn't be kind.
We still found growth.

Look at you now,
Gone from strength to strength,
As if having given a vow.

If my heart is black,
And my soul is lost.
I, having lost track
Of the hours it has cost.

Can I be free?

The bite of the wind is chilling,
Yet it does not reach my core.
But I stand there, unwilling.
Facing what it has in store.

Can I be free?

The ground sinks,
With one foot in front
It's as though the other shrinks.

Can I be free?

I wish to collapse,
My energy is spent,
Healing the breaks and cracks
With mortar, brick and cement.

Can I be free?

The chains are unshackled,
But no less heavy.

Can I be free?

Bruises and marks appear.
They come as no surprise,
I do not face them with fear,
Nor with weeps and cries.

Can I be free?

This is all unknown,
I am burdened by my mind.
This path is mine alone,
To discover, to unwind.

Am I free?

You see him rise,
With warmth and light,
Fiery yet wise.
Behold his might.

He gazes over all,
And judges none.
Now I hear his call.
The journey has begun.

Then he sets.
I await the morning,
Watching silhouettes,
As the moon comes calling.

Now it's her time.
Her loving energy
Is a gentle chime,
Leaving me in a reverie.

Did you think you'd win?
For a moment I did.
As if death or something akin,
Of you, I would never be rid.

Instead I came back,
Fighting tooth and nail,
Healing the breaks and cracks,
Living to tell the tale.

It's not my time,
Not for a long while.
I still have mountains to climb
And am yet to face more trials.

This shadow fades away,
I bid it goodbye.
It fades to grey,
Invisible to the eye.

I found that darkness within,
That which kept me awake,
And would lead me into a spin.

Found under blades,
On mellow nights.
As the sun fades

The shadow appears.
Bringing all my sorrows,
All my worries and fears.

The knife would cure
The overwhelming feelings,
All which I saw impure.

Blood would run dry,
Leaving me scarred.
Yet, I would still cry.

That shadow is gone,
Though there are many more.
I am no longer a pawn.

It's certainly harder,
To try and get by.
Speaking aloud with less ardour.

One hour into the next.
Time ticks by,
I begin to feel vexed.

The days are long,
the weeks are short,
I keep moving along

Determined to stay alive,
In these low moments,
Where I feel deprived.

The first time we met,
I knew I could trust you.
Not a burden, nor a threat.
Together we grew.

Our bonds of friendship, unbroken.
Life was light, as it was dark.
Loyalty, honesty. Given. Unspoken.
We've always had that spark.

It has all been thrown at us.
Never once did I doubt,
Through all the breaks and cuts,
The screams, the shouts.

We'll always have each other,
Everyone else is background noise,
That has become lost in the thunder,
As we've discovered our joys.

Friend is too weak a word,
To describe what you are.
Family is more preferred,
As you are never far

From my heart and mind.
When the call comes,
I'll respond in kind.
No matter the outcome.

We've had each other's backs,
Through joys and losses.

Through thick and thin,
Sam, what a pleasure it's been.

What will it mean
To never break?
To be stripped clean,
To feel joy yet still ache?

Like the trees in the wind
Of a harrowing storm,
You may twist and bend,
Even lose your form.

Like the rising of a tide,
You eventually submerge,
Into the depths, you hide,
Capitulating to every urge.

You rise from the ground,
As would a terrifying earthquake.
You are no longer bound,
You will no longer break.

Fire roars in your honour,
It's flames always dancing.
'Behold! Look upon her.'
Stronger still, you are standing.

Nothing can break you now,
Not water, earth, fire or air.
You have given a vow.
Try and break me. I dare.

It appears in flashes,
Like white lightning
That leaves trees in ashes.

To say it's complicated
Would be watering it down.
Patiently it's cultivated.

Always beaten back
An unfortunate child,
Left alone in a shack.

It comes as no surprise,
As it finally erupts
Amidst terrible cries.

'You never listened!
As I cried and cried.'
Eyes glazed and glistened.

I see it now,
Small sweet child,
I will show you how

You can be heard again
So, that hurt and anger
No longer causes us pain.

Why did it take so long
For me to face my fears?
To realise I was strong.
Strength would wipe away my tears.

A question asked by many.
Those looking within,
Those who cannot bury,
And feeling stretched thin.

Finding myself;
A life long quest.
'Look to thyself'
Given time, given rest

Your time will come.
Love and friendships will fade,
Depression that leaves you numb,
No doubt leaves us afraid.

Darling don't fret.
Your power is there,
Unseen as of yet,
Ready to glow and glare.

There are many nights ahead,
Soundless and sleepless alike,
Full of worry and dread,
Tears ready to strike.

These cannot be controlled,
Nor should they be feared.
Let the feelings roll,
Allow your mind to be cleared.

This cycle is found,
Over and over again.
Though you aren't bound
to hold onto the pain.

What is it's meaning?
I may never know,
I may have to keep dreaming
And let it flow.

Flow through my veins,
See it from afar,
Unshackle its chains,
Allow it to bruise and scar

Through flesh and bone,
Head and heart.
Ruptured then sewn,
So I don't fall apart.

Back and forth it goes,
All through my head
Like beatings and blows.
Exposed on the bed,

Vulnerable and raw.
It plays on my mind,
I watch it with awe.
It cannot be defined.

Uncertainty is rife,
While some may panic,
It is here I thrive,
Neither worried nor manic.

I trust in the universe,
I know it will be right.
While this may be adverse,
I choose to see the light.

You've drawn first blood,
It rolls down my skin.
With a soft thud,
My world begins to spin.

It turns me over and over,
As the moon would the tide,
Like that first kiss from a lover,
The first glimpse of the bride.

Next is the scent,
A tinge of copper.
On its slow descent,
I begin to stir.

A soft taste of metal
Envelopes the lips,
The wound has now settled.
Quivering, my mind slips.

To that first touch,
However delicate
T'was clearly too much
And I am left desolate.

A rose's thorns.
Tomorrow I'll prepare
To have the blood adorn'd,
From that first tear.

Growth, empowerment, love.
Words of our generation,
Words we can't get rid off.

Should we try to? No.
Look within,
Feel your heart grow.

Love yourself, it's deserved.
No matter what anyone says,
It should not be curbed.

Hate, oppression. It is all rife.
My dear one, don't forget,
You get to live your best life.

If people turn and say nay,
Don't panic, do not worry,
I promise, they're not here to stay.

Growth, empowerment, love.
All treasured things,
That you can be proud of.

Could we be the same?
Is this what forms us?
Or it keeps us tame,
And unable to discuss,

The troubles and trials,
The pain and hurt,
The laughter and smiles.
All which we exert.

I keep searching.
Then a look shared
Let's me see what's lurking,
It tells me you were scared.

Scared of your power,
Sweetheart, now you know
You no longer have to cower.
Let your power grow.

It's only a reflection
What separates you and I.
No more rejection,
I bid you goodbye.