I drink too much but it gives me the pleasure of intoxication,
One too many ramifications,
I smoke too much to stun my heart of its beat,
All to avoid the acceptance of defeat.

Problems are associated with you
It's hard to get through
Talking to myself, judging myself and hating myself
So alone without anyone's words of comfort, but oneself

I feel like I want to hurt those who have hurt me.
One too many reasons not to accept their plea
Smoke and mirrors everywhere
One too many reasons not to stay here.

My heart is thumping with pain,
I feel ashamed,
The biggest endurance race where there is nothing to gain.
My heart is inflamed.

Pain is the gateway to nothingness,
People only notice  satisfaction,
No one notices the teardrop of weakness.
People only notice the reaction.

Breaking out with my faults
I can't handle becoming an adult,
My scars are open
My life is determined by someone else' pen

There is no recovery from suicide
There is no place to hide.
I know that I've lived and fought
But what happens when you're a neet who takes bottles in one draught

When you give yourself less but everyone else so much more
Man life ***** when you're poor,
I hate the meds because it makes me feel weak, reliant and unhappy
Shoutout to Dappy.

I almost met my fate yesterday, oh what a feeling of ecstasy.
It almost seemed like a fantasy,
It isn't about the lie, it is how the truth is denied
It isn't about life, it is how you've lived with a knife.

She makes me feel like superman, so why should I fear.
I am on-duty to protect her, love her and care for her
My only kryptonite are her tears.
She says "you're silly", "overprotective" and "nhnhnhnhnh"

I treat her like my Cleopatra, what she says goes
Will I soon fade out like her past affairs.
She worries too much, she shouts at me, oh how she woes
What else to do but listen, I mean I do truly care.

She asks me; "Do I look fat", I didn't hesitate to give my honesty
You're beautiful everyday, I love everything about you.
She calls me a liar, she starves herself to satisfy others constantly
I say to her that I want to lay with you.

What am I. Your friend, your boyfriend  your fiancee or husband
You say I'm crazy and tell me you love me, but am I enough.
We visit twice a month, yet we are both in London.
Am I a person who you met just for a bluff

My lips turning grey from the lack of warmth and even maybe love.
I tend to have random shivers time-to-time, with cold hands that seem lifeless.
Some people visit their friends or family and ignore me because they assume I am different, I am alone, and they are above.
My heart shrieks of distress because my body has been compressed within these four walls, and no-one to press against.

Minutes, hours and days have passed where no-one has asked me why am I here or what has started this.
Is there really no life for me that will become a bliss.
Should I give up now because the pain is too much to repair
I feel as if I am not a prisoner, but treated like a caged bear.

I stand a moment and gaze at my cloud of thoughts
What comes to mind is limitless;it is all sorts
The third hand seems dishonest.
For to love is a risk that one must be modest

Concealed in my heart I hide the truth of my being
I am not proud; but I am not satisfied to be fleeing
A cynical cycle, which  appears with a paradox ending
One should knot their laces now than later for pending

How can I ever be such a mockery that I hesitate, but rather be called a fool
I hate to feel abnormal with friends ,when I act like a tool
I cannot release this barrier that will restrict my trust
The matter has developed as an infant where bullying was a must

She surrounds my terrain, and I feel as if I am her centre.
She speaks to me like no-one else, and we have our own type of banter;
Her friends say, you two should confess for how you are made for each other,
Whilst my friends are on mainstream to agree with reference to being a chanter

She speaks in a manner so delicate, it would be fatally fragile to oppose.
I speak in a manner to appear without a thought to her, but it still flows;
We always walk home together to discuss our highs and lows,
We are two different types of people, she is full of hellos and I stand froze
-----------------------------------------------------------­---------------------------------------
We spoke of interracial relationships with our races used for examples,
and she asks would you ever be with me (knowing how our race never have mixed- brown and black with specific religions)
Was this a joke or a serious question?

I had no answer, but what I did say to conclude was, *"You must taste the core/centre of a person to realize, but never jump to conclusions with the flesh or the skin."

The Paranoia, paranoia seemed as if we were experiencing an ecstasy.
Righteous truth developed from our own  blossomed *fantasy.
Unknowing our world of fantasies had begun alluring exaggerations
The affectionate effects of  love left us the misery of hoping;
Honest in her opinion she replies 'thanks' for *my confession.