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8.4k · Feb 2013
Existentialism
helena ferpin Feb 2013
Sometimes,
Even when it's just for an instant,
I forget who I am.

I forget my name,
I forget when I was born,
I forget how I look,
I forget what year is this.

You see,
You get to a point in your life
Where none of this matter anymore.
That old song titled with your name
Doesn't seem so pretty as it did before
That old poem someone made to you
Doesn't make sense anymore.
You think "it's just not me,
but who am I?"

And you roll up in your bed,
And you try to mess with someone's head
Just to see if you still can.
And you spin your world upside down,
And you try to look everybody upside down.
Sometimes it's even better upside down.

Sometimes you find yourself in reverse.
And you reinvent yourself,
And you change your name,
And you change your birthdate,
And you change the color of your hair,
And you try to change who you are,
And not a bit is changed.
And then, again, you ask:
"Who am I?"

And you meet new people,
And you fall in love again,
And you think you know
Who you really are,
And then the world is
Upside down again.

And you give up,
And you try to live with yourself in reverse,
And you try to fall in love in reverse,
And you see how pointless it is,
And you're back to normal.
And then, what is normal?

And you give up on searching for the answers
And then you start to live.
And you meet someone,
Your life is changed.

It may be a shrink,
It may be a lover,
It may be a friend.
You just look at 'em
And you're home.
You find yourself
In desperation.
You find yourself
In happiness.
You find yourself
Anywhere, anytime.
It's just a surprising
Little scaring moment.

And you realize
There is so many interesting things in the universe
So many movies to watch,
So many music to listen,
Maybe some with your name in it,
So many dreams to live,
So many people to meet,
So many whatever to do.

And
all
that
search
was
pointless.

You don't have to be who your name tell you to be,
You don't have to be what your star sign is telling you to be,
So doesn't matter what is your name,
Doesn't matter when you were born,
Doesn't matter what year is this.
You don't have to be someone,
You don't even have to be yourself.

You just have to
be.
Just watching too many french movies, I guess. I hope it makes sense.
2.4k · Dec 2012
Stargazing
helena ferpin Dec 2012
I wish I had a terrace
So I would put a mattress there
And I would sleep everyday
Stargazing by the wind lullabies

I wish I had a spaceship
So I would fly through the galaxies
Just to watch the dancing stars
And I wouldn't need to sleep
Cause I'd be happy just to dance
By the sound of space guitars

I wish I was a galaxy
So I would be the home of countless stars
And I would play them joyful songs
So they wouldn't cry
As they slowly die

I wish I was a star
So I would sleep everyday
Watching you smile
And I would play you windly lullabies
So you could gently fall asleep at night

And I wouldn't be afraid to die
Cause I'd knew you'd be happy
Just to watch me shine
Even for the last time.
1.5k · Apr 2015
Ashes to ashes
helena ferpin Apr 2015
We talk,
We know.
We kiss,
We love.

(Complications)

She walks away,
I fall apart.
I get together,
She starts to doubt.

She falls apart,
I'm far away.
She brings me closer,
I start to doubt.

We talk,
We don't know.
We kiss,
Maybe we're wrong.

(Simplifications)

She starts to cry,
I calm her down.
Love is here,
Why can't we see?

Blindness is gone,
I kiss her eyes.
She hugs me tight,
I can see her insides.

We talk,
Now we know.
We feel,
We can't be wrong.

(Solidification)

Touching
Feeling
Kissing
Feelings

So much happiness
So much love
Happy tears
And now the void.

We don't talk,
We know.
We don't know what we know.
What's going on?

(Fear gently approaches)

I start to doubt,
She's far away.
Bodies so close,
Never enough.

Beating hearts,
Holding hands,
Syncing sighs,
Silence awaits.

We don't talk.
Are we done?
We're so close,
Love can't be gone.

(Emptiness)

I start to cry,
She hugs me tight.
What does it mean?
There's no reply.

We're blind again.
What happens now?
If this isn't the end,
Where has it gone?
Why do we never know enough of happy ends?
1.5k · Dec 2012
Saudade
helena ferpin Dec 2012
Since the day I watched you go
I wait anxiously by the day you'll come back
You said, maybe tomorrow
And I've been waiting forever

Maybe you'll never come back
Maybe you'll be back tomorrow
I don't know.
But I'm not mad.

Because I remember
I remember every single word you said to me
I remember every single day we spent together
And I spend most of my days living it again
In my head, in my heart.

I know you'll come back
Because vacation always end
It may last so long, but it ends.
And I'll be here.

Maybe I'll have found somebody new
Maybe I'll be married, divorced or whatever
But I'll be always waiting for you.

You can call it heartache,
Or illusion,
But I call it saudade.
I miss you, like the blink-182 song.

And just as he said,
I'm waiting for you
So we can live like Jack and Sally
And have halloween on christmas.

"If I switched you, it was not for evil.
Love, you see, I've got someone
Called Saudade."
Saudade - a brazilian word for a kind of nostalgia. When you miss someone or something so much, you feel saudade. So we can describe it as a grateful remembrance of a missing person or something that you were deprived. And it can also be the weight and the pain this deprivation causes.
PS: the last 'verse' is from a song by Los Hermanos called Veja bem, meu bem.
helena ferpin Feb 2013
So my sister was born today
And we chose her name as Valentina.
Funny thing is that she decided to be born on Valentine's.
So probably I will call feb 14 Valentina's day forever.
Not a poem, but I wanted to share.
And by the way, it sounds like Valentin (in spanish)
with and 'a' in the end. Not like Valentine's.

:)
1.4k · Dec 2012
Ashtray
helena ferpin Dec 2012
Last night you said you loved me
And your eyes had the same expression of a homeless dog
But we know that pronouncing every letter of "I love you"
What you really meant was "love me, love me"
Words caused by the need of a warm body by your side at bed
And by the possible passion inside your chest - or your *****.

What I forgot to tell you is that my chest - or my ***** -
Has the same need of a warm body on my bed.
Maybe I - in all the human fragments inside me -
Have the need of having somebody.
Somebody, someone, some you.
What I forgot to mention is that
Perhaps that someone is you.
1.4k · Aug 2013
laundry
helena ferpin Aug 2013
I wish I could wash you away from me
every little fragment of love I still feel for you
drowned in soap.

but I just can't learn how to do laundry
when it comes to you.
helena ferpin Dec 2012
We used to be so close, so inmost, so opposite and disposed and yet so equal and lazy that we were one.
Opposites attract and then get distracted. Equals distract and then get attracted.
We are opposites, we are equals, we are strangers.
We were opposites, we were equals, but today we are just two strangers with a routine of talking everyday about stuff that never existed.
We are two points intertwined by a circular line that keeps moving without our consent, lost in a infinite time space.
A friendship disguised, a feigned tolerance, a mutual and misunderstood need of acquaintanceship between each other.
A prophylactic and procrastinated love that wants to keep distance, deviating itself from the deep suffering.
But what suffering?
The suffering was only the avid fear by pain that turned us into two unaware and afraid of everything.
We are singular.
We are plural.
We're diminutive and we're augmentative.
We are two laconic passengers of the wacky train without driver that is the prolix relationship of humans, love and hate.
We are two regular strangers in relentless pursuit of deterioration of our love as a solution for all in our lives.
We are two remote lovers in relentless pursuit of deterioration of our lives as a solution for all our love.
1.1k · Dec 2012
Incubus
helena ferpin Dec 2012
Dreams of a lifetime that fade away in one day.
Dreams of a night that last a lifetime.

Between these extremes,
I saw a lifetime go away
While all my dreams turned into tears.

Everything that's left for me now
Is the shadow of our love
Hidden in our past
Because there is no sunshine.

The sun faded away...
With you, my dear.
Unhinging all my thoughts,
The shadow still come and haunt me.

The most beautiful of all the nightmares
To see the sunshine penetrates in your eyes
The look of an angel that disappears
When the moon is satisfied.

It's still night, my dear
Yet, I shall be dreaming
Beneath the shadow of the wind
That cannot take away this feeling...
1.0k · Sep 2015
Landfill
helena ferpin Sep 2015
Pour me some wine
******* some smoke
I can't do it, it's too messy

You kiss my legs
I can't resist it
I pull you close
You push me out

Repeat.

It's complicated!
You get too close
I kiss your lips
Confusion

Conclusion?

It's okay now
You can let me in
While I push you out

Love, love me!
Please disappear
I need you here

Get out of here
I need you so
We're so scandalous

It got too messy
You said we're done
I pushed you too much

I never wanted that bus to come
I never wanted to say goodbye
1.0k · Feb 2013
Smile
helena ferpin Feb 2013
If you ever did something new and really enjoyed,
If you ever met someone for the first time
And felt like you were going to fall in love,
If you ever heard a song for the first time
And actually knew the lyrics

You should just smile.

If you ever did something old and enjoyed
Like you haven't before,
If you ever met someone after so much time
And felt like you were falling in love again,
If you ever heard an old song from your childhood
And remembered all the lyrics

You should just laugh and smile.

If you ever just threw away all the weight in your back
And kept walking like you were a new person,
If you ever regreted for something bad you did
And cried for so long before leaving it behind,
If you ever remind your mistakes once in a while
But are still able to keep smiling

You should just dry your tears and smile.

If you ever did anything that can make you
Cry,
Smile,
Laugh,
Or feel something,

You should just smile.
Because you're strong
And you're living
And just because you can.

Smile everyday,
Smile as much times as you can.
Until the day you realize
There is so much things to smile about
And no reasons enough not to do it.

So
Just
Smile.

:)
I'm not always so positive, but I drank too much coffee. And I'm sorry if there is some writing mistakes.
1.0k · Dec 2012
I'm such a hypocrite for you
helena ferpin Dec 2012
Although I hate how wrong this ridiculous sense of common we have for everything is,
Sometimes I just wish we were these two ignorant people
That think the world is wrong but we can't change it
And work hard just to buy a bigger TV

Sometimes I just wish we could live a mediocre life together
And never mind to all the things that happens around
Since our favorite show is reprising saturday night

I wish we could fight every day to decide who's going to supermarket
And what color should be our new car
And fight over and over again about if we should buy a dog or not
And stay up late playing scrabble with our boring married friends

Sometimes I just wish we were these two empty consumerist people
That complain about everything and fight everyday about nothing
But are so so happy
*Together.
866 · Apr 2013
Regret
helena ferpin Apr 2013
It came into my life for the first time a while ago
And ate me up
Alive.
740 · Dec 2012
(Broken)pieces of us.
helena ferpin Dec 2012
He was only 2 meters away. I was looking at him and thinking I shouldn't. Feeling his smell and thinking I shouldn't. So I tried to turn my back and drive to the front door, but he was pulling me in. He was not touching me and didn't say a word, maybe he didn't even know I was there. But he was pulling me in and calling my name. And I tried to let it go, but I couldn't. My body was sweating, my mind weighed a ton and my feet wouldn't move. Suddenly, our eyes meet each other and he realized I was desperately calling his name and wanting him to pull me in. One step, two steps. I closed my eyes and my mind was free. My feet was floating, my body tottering but never falling. It was like I had wings and was only waiting for someone who could fly with me. We were dancing in the air. Everyone was looking and trying to follow as they could. My lips touched his sometimes, and I thought of all the beautiful things I have ever read but never understood. And I didn't say a word. I just touched his face and danced.  It was like my body was part of his body and I could feel the blood running through his veins, the beat of his heart, the pace of his breath... He had such a good vibration.
Then, in a oversight, I opened my eyes and I fell flat on my face. And the floor had no mercy. Suddenly, I was alone and his hazel eyes couldn't see me anymore, not even for mocking. And there was nothing left. No more letters, no more messages in the fridge in the morning, no more dances, no more kisses. My late nights were lost with no one to talk or discuss. So I thought that maybe there was hope, but who believes in that old boring lady? There were only a broken nose and a wobbly knee because of the fall.
And I wanted to hate him. I tried to do it all the time. But he was pulling me in and calling my name. And I tried to let it go, but I couldn't... So I went. I went because he was calling me. And he came because I was calling him. And we went forward until someone broke the nose again.

*"You'll never be a part of me, I know
Never free, we never can let it go"
This is not a poem, but I like it very much, even though it was written by me.
735 · Dec 2012
Our little castle sand
helena ferpin Dec 2012
Make me a gesture, make me close
Give me the moon that I'll make you fall asleep

The night will fall
On the road the traffic light of who's gone
Doesn't light up when I kiss you anymore
It looks like I've waited my whole life to show
That in the street I lost myself one of these days
I completely forgot to win
But the wind from the sand brought infinity peace

Away from so much smoke
Girl who send me your kisses with grace
Make me laugh, make me happy
Sitting in the sand, playing with lucky
Doesn't rain doesn't wet
Don't look now I'm looking at you

In our book,
Our story is make—believe
Or make—it—happen?
This is a song by O Teatro Mágico (Nosso pequeno castelo de areia).
627 · Sep 2018
dark bright star
helena ferpin Sep 2018
my little bright star
the brightest of all the stars
always next to the moon
it's been a while since i've seen you

today i looked at the sky and you were there
staring at me, almost gone
it's sad to see you disappearing

my little bright star
you were always there for me
when i had no hope
and now you're leaving

my stunning dark star
you were my first love
i'll always remember you
but it's time to let you go

my little bright star is going
my little love is dying
all my memories in this last shining

my little star is dead
and so are we.
586 · Feb 2013
Going, going, gone.
helena ferpin Feb 2013
I think I saw you
I think I loved you
I think I miss you.

I know I saw you
I know I loved you
I know I miss you.

I think I see you
I think I love you
I think you're here.

I know I see you
I know I love you
But you're not here.

You don't see me
You don't love me
You were never here.

You're a dark shadow
You're my dark angel
You're my undying love.

You're my Utopian dream
You're rising into the stars
You're climbing into my heart

You never existed
You're dead.
574 · Dec 2012
About the colors
helena ferpin Dec 2012
I picked up a paintbrush and painted the sky
With the most beautiful colors
For when it rains,
It rains happiness!
After all, the secret of life
Is to see love in the simplest things.

Smile!
Because it's a beautiful day out there
And you have until the night
To find the colors of love!

The colors of your love.
554 · Jun 2014
Home?
helena ferpin Jun 2014
From the moment I met you,
You felt just like home.
But I should have known better:
My home was always the first
To betray me.
550 · Feb 2013
Can't find the words
helena ferpin Feb 2013
It seems like I've lost them
Since the year started.
I hate summer.
520 · Dec 2012
Drowned
helena ferpin Dec 2012
You drift away
On the river of memory
And running on the bank,
I cry for you to come back
But slowly you move away,
And in my reckless run,
Little by little, I catch up to you
A little bit of lost ground.

On occasion you dive
In the moving liquid
Or, brushing against brambles,
You hesitate and you wait for me
Hiding your face
In your pulled up dress,
From fear that you'll be disfigured
By shame and regret.

You're nothing but a wreck,
Dead dog in the water
But I'm still your slave
And dive into the stream
When memory ends
And the ocean of forget,
Breaks our hearts and our heads,
The never reunites us.
This is a song by Serge Gainsbourg.
507 · Dec 2012
Alone
helena ferpin Dec 2012
She gets the bus
Sits where there is always
Two seats:
One for her
And another for hope.
The hope that her beloved
Will get in the same bus
And he will sit beside her
With a broad smile
And arms
To hold her.
helena ferpin May 2017
i wish i could make you your favorite breakfast
and watch your favorite tv shows in the morning
fill you with kisses on your cheek
and tell you how beautiful you look with your sleepy face

and i wish i could take you by the hand
and take you to all the nice places i know
take you to that coffeeshop all cute and cozy
show you all the beautiful views i love

and i wish i could sing you beautiful songs
and make you smile till you don't feel sad anymore
cover you with a blanket in the middle of the night
and hold you so you can feel warm again

i wish i could hug you when you're sad
and make you laugh till it hurts your belly
and tell you sweet things that make you happier
and beg you to stay everytime you have to leave

i wish i could show you how beautiful you are
and take away all your pain and sadness
and turn it into comfort and joy
even if only for the afternoon

i wish i wasn't scared to tell you how much i like you
how much i want to kiss you and love you
i wish i could make you realize you are so worthy of love
and that love is not something to be scared of

i wish you could feel this way about me too
and that we could try and give it a chance
but you'll never know
and i'll never know
and that is just sad.
269 · Jan 2019
meaning(less)
helena ferpin Jan 2019
dead inside
can't think of anything to do
with my life

words
have vanished from my mind
same as all the joy
(when you left)

time
passes by
we grow older
and love will die

meaningless days
if you're not by my side
to complain about the dogs
barking on the street

meaningless days
without the coffee you used to make
when we were late and so afraid
of the life we had to plan

why are we still fighting?
if you left
what are we still fighting for?
if you left

dead
inside
can't think of anything to do
after you left me all alone

time
passes by
as silence grows
the pain grows stronger

is it fair?
if you left with all the answers
to the life we used to know

why are we still fighting?
if you left
what am I still fighting for?
if you left... me.
this is a song I wrote with a friend.

— The End —