I’m exhausted from keeping up with the person I am trying to be
Hiding my true self from all my friends and family
I just want to be understood
But at the same time I’m scared
What if I show myself and people don’t care
I don’t want any more people to leave me
I just need some more stability
I know they say family is here no matter what
I can’t help feeling like there’s a but
What if I suddenly be myself
And end up scaring off everyone else
Will they say I’m just being fake
Or will they accept me and we’ll embrace
I just want someone to understand
I don’t want to keep up with this person I’ve been living as
It’s hard to let go of my insecurities
And telling myself I should try and be free
I’m trying to express how I feel like I did as a child,
Through crayons and pencils
Pressed into paper until they break in two.
How can I feel so hopeless
Doing something I used to love to do?
Like I did as a child
I make myself small and cry in my closet
That painful sobbing that hurts your throat
And convince myself yet again to give up.
You make me want to fall in a field and cry.
Why do you only tell me lies?
The person you show the world is like a drawing
you can see it from the other side of the page.
But you never share the real thing,
you keep everyone at a distance.
But what is the reason?
Protection from losing and breaking and falling apart?
But you know that doesn't make pain go away
instead you create a world where you are the cause of your own destruction.
might add more later
i wrote this about how i feel about myself and my intrusive thoughts but take it as you will
I'm like a ghost in my own place.
I feel guilty for taking up space.
So I will give it all to you
my body, my mind, and my voice.
When I tell you I love you
I don't have a choice.
I will make myself small,
put me in your pocket,
won't you take me home.
You took me to your ceramics class.
I watched as your hands went to work on that slab.
I imagined what else your hands could do...
my face turned red.
So I tried to imagine how your hands could wrap around my neck
that just made my eyes roll back into my head.
I don't want to get rid of all the things you gave me.
I'm afraid if I burn the photographs and letters
the memories will get destroyed too.
I'm too attached to my past
constantly dreaming about how I can get it back.
I haven't moved on and I don't think I can.
That's why I need to wipe the slate clean,
burn your memory from my brain.
Maybe the dreams of you will finally subside
and I can restart my life.
Right now I am stuck holding onto an idealized version of you.
Here I stand,
with match in hand.
Your words drip over me like gasoline.
I promise you I will be clean.
I strike the match to cleanse my soul.
You watch me burn,
your heart is cold.