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 Jul 2016 Heidi Shavill
JM
Snatch
 Jul 2016 Heidi Shavill
JM
****** rings, tattoos
Open leg crab harnesses
Shove it in my face
 Jul 2016 Heidi Shavill
JM
Dark hair, milky thighs

We are all such broken things

Deep in the Nothing.
Palest skin, sick blood
Dead echoes steal sleep, precious
**** the pain away
IT
It might have been beautiful, and certainly smart
Born with your academics and my poet’s heart.
It might have been witty, pithy and wise;
possessing your nose and my two emerald eyes.

It might have been evil; it may have proved kind;
the first of our brood was the last of our line.
Not that we ever will know, I suppose.
Just idle questions  geneticists might pose

It would have been born with ten fingers and toes
If left, unimpeded, for nine months to grow.
We were both too young, both too unprepared,
This life, unintended, was not to be spared.

Forty winters have passed since that fateful decision.
It was swept from our path with a clinic’s precision.
Now you, too, are gone, and that leaves only me
To mourn for our child not permitted to be.
I can't make you want me.
I can't make you care,
About my feelings or emotions,
You left my heart bare.
I cry over you,
Although I know it wont faze you.

Tears fall from my eyes,
As I try to forget you.
It hurts to be unwanted,
Left to the side,
Forgotten about in the blink of an eye.
I feel so insignificant,
So incredibly small,
Knowing that I meant nothing at all.

But I can't make you want me.
I know you don't care.
As much as I want you,
You'll never be there.
 May 2014 Heidi Shavill
JM
It's 3 am again
and I am here
and you are there
and I am alone in my bed
so I can't whisper
"G'night sugar"
in your ears
or tickle you to sleep
or wake up to your legs
or your heat
or your sleepy eyes.

*Breathe deep and feel me now
 May 2014 Heidi Shavill
JM
Moldy coffee and ***** socks
fight for space among graying memories of memories as the dirge
in my head plays on.

It's like a hearing test that lasts every waking moment, this ******* ringing in my ears.

It's 3am again and death is in the air,
so close to home I feel the ancient heat
of leathery wings on my tired shoulders.

So tired

This tired body of mine,
I've really put it
through the ringer.
I've gotten some good miles
out of it.
The *******,
The car wrecks,
The *******,
The fistfights,
The beatings,
The *******,
The drugs
and the *****
and all that *****.
The mosh pits
and the miles walked
and all of those crazy
dangerous risks
all in the name of fun.

I should have died so many times

I didn't though.
I'm here.
I'm alive.
I'm still giving it
right back
to the *******
and getting all
the *** I can,
while I can.

Your God wants me to be happy

So I took the drugs
and the punches.
I walked for miles
and sat on the beaches
and woke up in holding cells
and found out what it
means to truly love
and felt what it's
like to die from
the inside out.

I've been at one with every
molecule in the universe
that ever has been
and will be.
I've seen the spirits lights
while the first ones
sang and drummed as I
wept in the dark.

I've felt shame
and fear
and loss of hope;
hunger pangs
mingled with glorious
hallucinations.

Life is but a dream

Really though,
dearest,
none of that matters
when I'm alone
at 3 am.
I stole the title from Raygan Keller
If one heart breaks too many times, the outcome is severe,
This is my first-hand account,  and why I’m standing here.
I was not protected, believed, comforted or heard
To expect I’d rally differently, or better is absurd.

Who the hell do you think you are?
Creating demons, and inflicting scars
Never showing me affection, and rarely being kind
Really does a number on a child’s simple mind.

I slid a razor over my skin, the first time when I was six
The cuts have healed just fine, mental anguish ******* sticks
The problem is, the six year old, you tortured has grown up
Turns out I can be loved Frances,
so I filled my own cup

You mean nothing to me Frances.
Ivan, ******* too!
I hope you know, in many ways,
I've killed the both of you.  

Sam I ******* hate your stupid *** for what you did.
Do you feel remorseful now, or are you still ******* kids?
My wish for you… suffering, much more before your dead
If I were you, I’d **** myself,  just like the voices said.

Eric you aren't worth a single word from me or a wisp of air,
You could die today in fact and nobody would care.
Ivan you’re the disappointment, you aren't even a man.
Get in my face you ******* coward and I’ll drop you where you stand.

Judge not, lest he be judged himself; old man I wouldn't dare
You should have ******* stopped him Ivan, after all,  you were right there
Instead you did what you do best and hid under a hood
You probably think we'll meet in hell, but me and God are good

Keep yourselves away from me,  I am better than y’all
My heads held high, were toe to toe, I’m big now and you’re small.
Those of you reading this might think I’m being mean
Trust me though when I say this you ain't seen anything

Heidi Shavill
2013
 Jan 2014 Heidi Shavill
JM
Lost in the crimson smear
of your bruised lips,
wading in your milky folds
as time crawls on all fours,
I open all my eyes
and feel the you
in me.

Everything is One

My body,
blood and breath
become yours
as skins blend.

My eyes drink from
your lips and
my lips eat from
your skin and
my skin feeds from
your soul and
my soul is
shrouded in thick shadows,
bound in leathery lusts,
shackled with a will of steel
forged from the
transcending of suffering.

We are One

Each breath and subtle movement
brings me closer
to our core
as infinity
opens inside of us.

We are Forever

Lost in the grey garden of
my dying memories,
drowning in the deep nothing
as I crawl on hands and knees,
I open my throat and purge
the you from me.
 Sep 2013 Heidi Shavill
JM
Late, thick with desire
Your voice, skin, smells, all absent.
Crawling in my mind.
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