Your name is everwhere
on every page, which
my hands have met
on the walls and ceiling
behind my eyes

Now i see, you have left me
but the love of
my hands
has not gone

The memories
have etched themselves
on every line
I am unable
to turn the page

I'm addicted to cigarettes
I'm not even addicted to tobacco
I'm not even addicted to the rat poison they contain

An oral fixation, as Freud would say
An unbreakable habit
But it's always my choice, right?

Yeah, right
I choose to go outside
I choose to think about it

If I control my own mind, which I do
I can do anything
I can be anything

Unfocused and totally distracted
I thought about it again
I want one right now

You are the only one I need to tell. Smooth, blank, neutral.
You wait. Wait, wait, wait.
Forever waiting.
For I am never exhausted; never will I tire.

Out of my head and out of my heart, in this half existence
I am suspended,
Pen over page.
And you wait, unbiased and unprejudiced, for me:
For me to scar you with my words.

Since there is no escape, since at the end
My body will be utterly destroyed,
This hand I love as I have loved a friend,
This body I tended, wept with and enjoyed;
Since there is no escape even for me
Who love life with a love too sharp to bear:
The scent of orchards in the rain, the sea
And hours alone too still and sure for prayer —
Since darkness waits for me, then all the more
Let me go down as waves sweep to the shore
In pride; and let me sing with my last breath;
In these few hours of light I lift my head;
Life is my lover—I shall leave the dead
If there is any way to baffle death.