I cannot keep doing this

each day I slip further & further away

my laugh has disappeared
my once bright smile turns dull
my eyes gloss over, unable to open
my hands hang lifelessly from my scrawny arms
my hair sad and grey, a new white hair comes with each new day
my words are slurred
my chest is tight with fear & anxiety
my tongue too heavy to speak
my body numb & heavy

I cannot keep doing this

With ****** knuckles and gritted teeth I whelp in frustration.
The overwhelming desire to beat myself numb and claw away my skin.
Tears burn my cheeks and my eyes are heavy.
My voice is horse,
with every shout through a clenched jaw my adrenalin spikes.
Swollen and upset I lay hopelessly begging for a level head.

Im sorry youre hurting.
Im sorry your head is a storm.
Im sorry your bodys a rag doll.
Im sorry your mascara is messy.
Im sorry your hands are trembling and your heart is aching.
Im sorry i cant take away the pain you dont deserve to have.

no matter the time of day or weather,
who i'm with or how i feel,
joyful, depressed, or angry
my mind always finds its way to you.

someone once told me they loved my voice.
they said it was different,
mature, ****, and sophisticated.
better than the high pitched, superficial teen voices.
i had a voice like a woman should have,
strong, confident, and intriguing.

someone once told me they loved my voice.
the voice i used in everyday conversation.
the voice i used to tell stories and greet strangers.
the voice i found raspy and manly,
the voice i always wished was sweeter.

someone once told me they loved my voice.
they said it was a voice of a woman,
but i am just a girl
and you no longer talk to the voice you once said you loved.

what a let down
what a punch in the gut
what a misinterpertation
what a mistake

what a mess ive made

i understand we just met
i understand we're in different places in our lives
i understand that youre busy sometimes
but what i don't understand is;
how can you like me but ignore me
how can you always make plans but never follow through
how can you play with my feelings like this

do i want coffee or sleep
coffee will help me through the rest of the day
but
maybe i just want my day to be over

so at peace yet at war
so happy yet depressed
so grateful of what i have yet so envious of what i do not

struggling to apprehend the positives
and
struggling to endure the negatives

sitting and wondering if you feel the same
such a fine line between;

over stepping and rushing something that is not meant to be
and
sitting patiently waiting for fate to makes it move

hurry up, i grow impatient yet
maybe ill make my own fate

i know its hard
i know im confusing
but please dont give up

i don't know what i'm doing
i say too much or don't say enough

i tell my secrets to unworthy people but withhold from the ones i care dearly

they're the ones i don't want to think i'm crazy