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Hayley Jul 2015
the voices in my head
feeds me rage and sadness
thoughts and struggles
all unheard

what hurts the most
is the ache in my mind

"get it out of me"
silent screams in my mind
nobody heard
nor empathize

get it out of me
this ache in my mind
home doesn't feel safe anymore
Hayley Feb 2016
Overwhelmed with so much pain
that death
became a star to hitch up,
*a fantasy of peace.
Hayley Jan 2015
you're so beautiful that atheists can see heaven in your eyes
you're so beautiful that the wind howl for you in the middle of the night
you're so beautiful that flowers would bloom for you
you're so beautiful
so beautiful
so beautiful
and I am so lucky
to have
you.
me trying to compliment someone
Hayley Feb 2015
A tour in my mind
Where there exist fields of flowers we can lay on,
Forests where we can explore endlessly,
Dive in oceans with heavy waves,
Take the risks we want and do what we can.

All these are just daydreams
and I should probably get rid of them all.
Hayley Dec 2014
Some men die under the mountains looking for gold.

Some die looking for a hand to hold,
to run far away from all the trouble.
An old one I wrote on my painting
Hayley Jan 2015
All the rust from an old love slowly faded.

With a touch of your love
the flowers I once grew in my garden
revived with a radiant effect on it's colours
&
once again attracted butterflies to it.

They look like flowers of the wind. I love it.
I really hate butterflies (actual real life ones), they're like bugs made by satan. Love is funny, it can make you like the **** butterflies and reminds you of the person you love.
Hayley Jan 2015
Don't worry when I'm gone
You'll forget me like an old song
Hayley May 2015
So much to worry, so much to do
Time's passing

Seconds
          Hours
Days
           Weeks
Months
            The Future

Time doesn't wait
So are dreams
Time's passing &
I'm losing time

How much time do I have left
to live without fear?
adulthood
Hayley Apr 2015
I'm not gonna lie
I still want to die

The pain's in my veins
& up to my mind

But its okay
'cause its just sometimes
just how I feel right now
Hayley Dec 2014
Giving myself a taste of pain
by imagining the day
where you happen to lose patience on me
and watching you leaving me
just so I could feel less dead if it happens.

Or maybe at least a tolerable pain.

You mean so much to me that
I know if it happens,
I will probably feel
paralysed and dead
all over again,
just like the last time
when he left.


*(h.g.)
my insecurities tortures me
Hayley Dec 2014
Your daughter's suicidal
and you knew that she's not fine
after she confessed about her cuts.

You did nothing to help her.
You never tried to talk her through,
You never tried to get her off it.
You never tried to make her feel like she exists.

Countless night she spent
wondering if her mother cares about her.
Countless night she spent
crying till her eyes bruised,
searching for a reason to exist.
Hayley Dec 2014
You remind me of my favourite love song.
It’s about home, autumn,
and the Sun.

**All of that warm fuzzy feeling.
an old one I found in my draft
Hayley Mar 2015
a sky full of stars // an arm full of scars
head in the clouds // a foot in the grave
hopes too high & disappointments
Hayley Jan 2015
I wish my hands were
pretty enough
to get you wanting to hold 'em
&
never want to let go.
for him
Hayley Dec 2014
I read books about suicidal people
just to have a taste of
death in my mind.

And maybe,
just maybe,
I can feel dead just for awhile.

A taste of relief
just for awhile.


*(h.g.)
title says it all
Hayley Jan 2015
Relying on alcohol just to feel less dead.
It reminds me that I still have a soul and am aware enough of it
to cry my lungs out.
To gasp for air, suffocating
while I wail about the thoughts on how much I wanted to die.

Relying on the sense of sharp edges, seeking for comfort.
Ridiculous as hell how comfort was found from every razor-sharp of it.
Guilt builds up from every touch of it and there I am,
back to tripping over carelessness and regrets,
again and again.
Scrapes on my knees left scars and before the old ones heal
there appears fresh new ones.

Countless times I told myself it would be my last time,
countless times I apologize to myself,
having hot showers so the sting would remind me how dumb I am that
I should never do it again.
Struggling to be okay and yet I find myself longing for that sense of pain just to stop my trembling body.
How stupid.

One minute I'm insane and one minute I'm fine again.
So overwhelmed by emotions that I fear the day
where I would lose control of my own feelings.
So insecure about every little thing that
hopelessness kept building up.
So afraid that I can never find hope in anything
and going after what I have been longing for all these times,
shutting down myself.

So afraid of everything.
I'm losing my mind.
Hayley Feb 2015
Trying so hard to stay afloat on my boat.
Holding a kite on my left,
trying to keep it from flying away to the
infuriated storm.
Holding an anchor on my right,
trying to keep it from pulling me down,
filling my lungs with water,
drowning me.
ups and downs

— The End —