my oldest friend
who I barely even knew
disappeared into memory
left alone with the new

The names change, the game remains the same.
it's a life of haste
but the pace is set by someone else's actions.
The attraction, I guess
Is the subtle inaction
a kind-of
cruise control slip stream
free from distraction.

Travel to distant corners
and don't tell anyone you're there.
Escape to encase yourself in life's impermanence
cuddling like a warm coat on a cold day
rather than something that surprises you with such despair
once or twice a year.
Nothing lasts forever.
and that, really, is the essence of everything beautiful.
This moment
right now
is the death of you, ten times over.
Use it to your advantage
go the extra mile
or sit still, in silence. I guess it doesn't matter.
Just inhale with contentedness and
exhale with relief
because nothing lasts forever

Travel through the darkness alone
and fall in love with who you become in the process
let yourself fall as far as you can
but know that you will always stand back up.
you will always, also, fall.
again and again.
but you will always stand back up.
slowly you'll begin to understand a deeper you,
underneath the mask and
the layers of insecurities.
and even the buried traumas of the past
start to unravel into nothing but dreams
as you introduce yourself again to the immovable depths
of your being.
an infinite spring across finite winters.

Sunlight settles on the space you once filled,
I wait patiently for its warmth to spill.
A test of mettle sinks my soul a step too deep,
I can't help to quell the emptiness
so I repeat what's left of you.

The season has changed, with a heavy heart.
Outside, the vinings grow
Twisting quietly inside.
I used to feel like a witness -
Watching love spring from behind my kitchen window
wishing I was encased in the bloom.
I would
lock the back door and
shut the windows tight,
out of fear that the twists might entwine
into the walls of my life.
So much fear for so much beauty.
Love, I know now, is a release;
   to give up -
an acceptance and surrender to decay.
I used to think that love is growth
as if love is to guide oneself, to light up the path in the night time.
as if love was
to assume that I know how best for you to bloom.
Love is freedom
an acceptance of what is.
Love is the pathway, not the light.
An unshakable trust in what is,
not what might be.
Too often we confuse it with it's opposite - possession.
'I am yours and you are mine'   -
What words of such desperate fear they are

You felt the weight of the world
before you'd finished your youth
and on the back of your hand
were the signs that you already knew
A hope of life again for you
The start of something new.

You've been through it all
the black and the blue
the darkest of nights
And still, you made it through.
Honestly,
I've lost my soul
A silent surrender
A relinquished control

But when I look at you
I know we'll be fine
I'll remember your face
it's engraved in my mind
I promise you
Something new
Each and every time

Just for you
Just for you

We've been through the darkness
and come through unscathed
Our frailties have left us
only bravery remains
and when I look at you
I know I'll be fine
It's something I want

Just for you
Just for you

Does he know
something I don't?
does he show you the ways
that I wanted but failed
to love you?
Once we're old
And our stories are told to your friends,
will the details look different
Will the context be changed in the end?
Will my pain be a footnote
Found just by an asterix
barely on show on the page?
Does he know
how you made me feel weak?
Did he laugh as you told him
that you feel more real in his arms?
That my part in your story
was never important?
That the scars that are left
would ultimately be worth all the harm?

this season
we'll journey to our youth,
and lie waste to untold truths
that hide beneath the surface
this season
we'll grow to untold bounds
life starts from underground
and bursts into a melancholic circus


this is a dream
you are a memory

we love.
and we love to be loved.
but let's not waste any time
figuring out which one we prefer

On a winter day I'm walking in the woods,
I'm walking with the trees;
their story-telling leaves beneath me.
How old, I often wonder,
Would one need to be
to read the dreams of trees?
Perhaps that's what we see
when we eventually leave
our livelihoods behind us,
and stumble in the woods
until our memories find us.

there's something in the distance
not so far that I can't see it
but too far gone for me to glimpse it.

I'm alone;
this is what you wanted.
I can't decide if it's what I really wanted.

I'm alive
But only in the ways I want to be.
I'm terrified of the time that slips away so silently.

Am I alive?
or am I still pretending ?
Am I just extending a dream that's never-ending?

I'm
so
alone.
and it's all I've ever wanted to be.
I'm so scared
that this is all I am
and I'm so sure that this is all I need to be.

the tides are tied tight to the boats that lie south of the ocean.
the fishermen wade through their wages made just that day.
the seagulls prove costly to all but themselves as they help it to them
till the end of the morning is done.

Conceal our secrets in realness...
and tell me then that you don't feel this.

I can't resist to close my eyes;
Clench my lids, so tight
that they
implode into my mind,
just
to see what's going on
inside.

Yet again
I find myself
Loving through my self-inflicted memory loss.
I miss the meaning in the words;
"I miss you"
I miss the feeling when I kiss you.
I miss everything that I hoped it was,
And how it has been before

Love won't wait.
It's an endless wave
that never breaks,
An earthquake-shake;
A rippling wake
beside the side of us both

And now that my days are yours,
I'm so frightened of the ending.
Will our billow slowly lash
so surely on the shore?
Will our crests give up pretending
And crash and gnash and gnaw?
Our ocean never-ending,
Like I thought it was before?

Work me out
Don't make me do it for you
Don't make me do if for you, stupid little brain.
While you shirk away the pain
of learning me,
I ask just once (and not again):
Is it really me you'd like to know?
Or a 'you' that you're too scared to show?

If i should guess
what happiness is
then i would suggest
that it feels like this.

I've been high for 3 weeks
she's my weakness
Nobody else can touch
the places that she reaches
And I'm sad because
she's just a weakness
wrapped in guilt

I want to see life
through your naive eyes
I want to bubble more often
and sing at the top of my lungs.
The first was our last time
it lasted a lifetime
The past passed us by
By the time we had barely had lunch.

I wonder if you'd know me now...
An awful lot has changed.
I'll try to hide my novelties
Rewind myself with age:
If it helps you to recall my name,
I'd live it all again.

through the eye of a needle in the eye of a storm;
Everything calm and clear where we stood under parity
Oblivious to my distant surroundings
And obsessed with the clarity.
Fresh air never smelt so good.

Why do you concern yourself with how I live my life?
I would have thought
you could have taught me
how to do it right.

I don't like holding vices;
their subtleties entice me
they hold me down, surrounded
left to their own devices
I want my independence
instead of lost dependency
I feel endlessly confounded
by my reluctant, lovely tendencies.

I feel almost always alone;
those I love
are few and far between.
those that hold a new exciting feeling
always terrify me.

all my life
i've worried (without really knowing it)
that my actions are defining who i am.
but the more i've grown
the clearer life's shown me
that my reactions and conviction
in the way i go about them
give a better understanding
for the man i hope i am

I'm frozen stiff.
Encased in case it's dangerous.
Hold me down
Don't let me go again.
Don't let me free,
For I don't know if I could cope
On my own.

I'm so *******
scared
that my future
will mimic my past
that it's become very hard to move on.
letting go
means
letting the world into me again

last time it teased me.
filled me up with bubbles
only to later suggest
that i quickly bring myself
back down to Earth.

I'm so afraid
that moving on
means
becoming vulnerable again.
I've been so scared to do so
that i rarely see the light in any eyes
any
more.
only when i sleep
do i get to see a second-hand version.

i miss me, sometimes.
i wish could blame you for that.
but the rest of me should have either gone with you
    or never given you a part of me to take
in the first place

Without realising,
You became the most at home I'd ever been.
A shelter of warmth,
Locked up safeties and tucked-in frailties
Lie in wait for the weather outside.

She used to love me
But now
She's just a stranger
Who knows me inside out

I can never seem to tell
if I'm wasting away
or just
forcing self-blame
for not being where I thought I could be.
Through our mulled-over dwells
did our time slip away
and just,
trickle down to naught
teasingly.

When we're older,
I'd like us to live by the hills.
Away from the silly thrills of the bustle of buses
and the rustle of wallets.
Away from those so desperate to be happy
but so increasingly aware of how not to hold onto it.
I want to be able to sit in silence on a Saturday -
That might seem like a simple thing to ask for but
here in the city, there's little room to think.
A seat surrounded by chaos is no substitute for the
whisper of the wind as it dances with the daisies
and prances with the daily ease of the hillside's treasures.
You deserve the freshest air and nothing less,
a sea-breeze seen too far from here
for your hair to run right through it.
Anyway, I've been rambling.
I hope one day we'll live back home,
but for now, I'll continue to slowly wipe away your duvet'd haze,
gently seeping sunlight through the cracks in your eyes.
This is always my favourite part of the day;
A beautifully brief moment of limbo between your dreams my mind.
Your gradual recognition of reality
is met by my delight
in response to your gradual smile

And once this brief moment is over,
I can begin to live,
day by day
with only you.

All I'd like
Is to feel a little less alone
When I'm all by myself

My smoke will save me every time.
Relieve me of my vacancies that
Inhabit vagrantly in my mind...
Settle down
With subtle frowns
of blatant false complacency.
My smoke will hide
the sadness that I love;
From myself
And the rest of me.
You
can't
see
all of
us.
My smoke will shield me.
Protect me from the laughter
of the ones I care most about
and the ones I know I shouldn't

Well I must have a lock on the door of my head
I'm running round in circles
So I can feel alright again.
My little lady
She has the longest, cutest hair
And no lock on her head
So I can let myself in
Again and again

We used to tussle on the bathroom floor
And hide away our secrets
behind the pantry door.
Your Mum would drink herself to sleep each night
After discussing with her mind the favored ways she'd like to die,
Concluding somewhat sadly
That she'd gladly drown beneath her cries -
A pain she only shows below her eyes;
A burn she's slowly learnt how to disguise.

Sometimes it feels like I can't help but cry
And,
It might not be for any apparent reason, but
It feels as real as the tree-changed season;
Decay itself even falls to the ground come October -
And the only way I know how to deal with it
Is to become just a little less sober.

I'm always looking for the bottom line
A straight-forward explanation to help define
My beginnings and my endings:
Where I start and stop pretending.
But the more I try to find
My bottled bottom line,
The more I waste my anxious time:
It carries on descending;
Forever extending
The distance I must climb
To reach my happy ending,
And I'm scaling out of time.

Why are you afraid?
Your eyes hold the answers to questions
most wouldn't dare to ask.

And just like that,
Life was sad again.

for how long will you hold your breath?
while you hold mine,
I'll gently wait.

Drama is always on our tails;
Thank God I never learned to look behind me.

Whilst you were living I was tired,
Too forgiving and uptight.
I've tried to keep away the shards of glass
I'd found beneath the window sill
Standing still and talking **** until the thrills of living begin to desperately unspill.

I'd love to live but I'm too tired,
Too much wire inspires my head
tonight

When your life feels dead
Who will you look to lead?
Right arm, left arm, right arm, wrong vein,
Right there, right there.

I've had to force myself
To be the best
The best that you'd ever gotten.
I had to change my ways
Relieve the craze,
Stay by my side until I got you,
Until I got you.

When your life is dead
Just give me the lead
The leash on my battered forearm
Right here, right here.
Oh when the muppets cry,
You'll soon decide
That in this spoon
Is everything you've every wanted.

I've had to try my best
To be the best you've ever gotten.
I had to mug the lies,
To try to hide
Everything I'd ever gotten,
Until I got you.

Smolder my company
And dress my jokes in Chardonnay gowns.
I'm the talk of the town, the talk of the town.
No-one waited for me
I've been left at the time where I feel least afraid;
For more than a decade I've been 17.
Cascading parades take place
When you least intend it;
A fetished decay of all you comprehend;
Time is killing me,
Time is on a killing spree,
She owes me so I know she'll spare me the time.
I surrender my mind,
Please spare me, sweet time,
I've been left behind
Because nobody waited.

I miss her smile, her chirpy, awkward laugh.
I miss the hairs on her arms,
Her yellow wrinkled palms.
I miss the blisters on her fingers
The plasters on her toes,
The thought that usually lingers
And hinders my sad woes.
I really miss missing her.
What a sad thought -
That she might never be gone.
And although our love is fraught I feel I ought to carry on.
Is it worth it? Probably not
Like that first big hit on that crisp white ****
Granulated blow.
I wish she'd Just come home and ween me off of her,
Inch by painful inch

It only exists right now.
It finds itself in a constant paradoxical flux between the only one
And the non-existent.
It's the infinite constant
And the never-present.
Until you can understand that it isn't something to be caught,
To be chased and displayed as a trophy on your death bed,
You will die a sorry man.
Because you won't be there to love it,
To be it, feel it, live it.
I've always found it hard to put it into words;
The obvious mystery of the here and now
And the torture of avoiding it.
Most people don't even realise it;
Their minds are cuddled by structure,
Fed by a sense of fitting in
That shouldn't have to be pursued.
We fit precisely in this moment.
There isn't another way to look at it.

As you **** yourself dry between the thighs of her loveless corpse,
Manoeuvring amongst half empty yoghurt pots
and
tomato sauce-encrusted knives and forks
strewn across your soggy floor,
You ****** with a euphoria not severe as this before.
As it gazes at your soul,
You slowly graze upon the cold,
Restless,
breathless,
***** *****
And laugh at her naive adoration
For the plastic soul she thinks is yours.

I'm better, I think.
Sometimes though,
a day will come
and in it the significance of all things normal will slip away
and your face is all I can see
it's all i have.
It will slowly be the death of me and I can't wait