My problem is I always fight for him.
I feel him pulling away and I dig my fingernails in a little more.
I make sure there's more blood in the room.
And then there's the teeth
and I'm throwing them at him hoping they'll lodge in his shoulder blades.
And then there's the red on my chin, my shirt, seeping into my chest
and I'm looking at him for answers but he's still walking away.
Remember when I came home one day crying and cold and you spilled I love you's out like the solitaire cards on the compute when you wait until the end to right click?
But the crying didn't stop like it used to. Your bandages couldn't keep in what was leaking out of me.
We learned we shouldn't use I love you's to make up for the things we couldn't give each other.
Do not be afraid of your anger
That boy was the **** of the earth and do not feel like
You must hold your composure
Erupt and chew him to pieces
Because somewhere along the way girls were told to be proper
And cut their food into mouse-sized bites and
then rest your fork down between pieces.
Well I'm telling you to use your canines the way they were intended
Go straight for the good meat
The raw meat hanging from the bones of the boys who came first
and left you alone in your bed at 1:44 am
Sink your teeth into his jugular
And swallow the pieces whole
Drink his blood until he feels as defeated as you did
But mostly, do not be afraid of your anger, girl.
The kind of thinking that gets me in trouble
Lavender and Lemon and bouquets on the counter
Here comes the white smoke
Here comes the sound
My bags on the floorboards my sanity stripped down
I've gone to the west coast
Now I'm headed for home
Don't know where that is
But I was built to roam
I advise you.
Do not seek shelter in her.
Do not let her hear you sit to catch your breath;
she will throw you to the wolves.
She always wants you running.
Either toward her or away from her.
But don't let her catch you sitting.
Do not crawl under her skin and think it a warm place to be.
She lives there.
She knows it's not.
She will bleed you out like a sickness.
Do not let her find your toothbrush behind her earrings
or your fingernail clippings in her pocket.
She will throw you out like a cheater or a thief.
Get out of your easy chair
Do not rest
and Maybe you'll stay
When she chooses me
God she chooses me
All hands and teeth and nails and she's saying things to me like
Put your hands on my neck
And whispering things like
*** into me
But when she doesn't choose me
It's a distance I've never known
A shoulder car colder than this winter
My toes are frozen in my boots
My stomach growls insistently
My tongue sprouts hair and sticks painfully to my mouth
Though I don't protest
I simply sit at the shoreline awaiting the next pummeling of blood, salt, and passion
I often think I'm over loneliness.
I got a new job. I live with new people. I talk to my mom.
I sit down in a chair to file my nails and the leather touches my skin and I'm sick.
Something about the leather on my skin makes my head spin and I can't hold my eyes open.
It's profound and all consuming and then it passes.