She has become owned by man.
Someone who is unworthy of her gifts and love.
She runs wild like a river.
But her insides are constantly being frightened and filled with fire.
She fills the air with life.
But is sometimes blinded by the smog from sad souls.
She is everywhere around us.
But you deny seeing and feeling her presence.
She gets higher than heaven.
but on the way down she is torn up and tossed aside.
She is the greatest of Mothers.
But people deny her the respect of a God.
By you choosing to be silent.
You are choosing to slowly destroy her.
There is nothing stronger than a Women with something to prove.
Last night I looked in the mirror
and for the first time in a long time
I thought I looked so ugly.
So I covered the mirror up with a ******* sheet
and pretended that when I stared back at my reflection
I was just a ghost.
I laughed because I scared myself.
I cried because I couldn't see any soul staring back at me.
I screamed because not having a face is really scary.
SO eventually I got sick of being a ghost.
SO I took a hammer and I broke the glass mirror
and it shattered into little pieces everywhere
and in it's place I wrote with blood U-G-L-Y on a wall
after I cut my feet on the glass shards from the mirror
And U-G-L-Y stayed there for a long enough time
that it felt like it had always been there.
and it grew and grew until the blood covered the whole wall
like an unfortunate behr paint sample from Home Depot
But there wasn't a mirror
so there wasn't really any ugly, just a word.
oh yah, that old thing used to be so daunting.
But, I kind of miss it.
I kind of miss seeing that big bug-eyed girl
who always looked at things just a little too long
you know, the one with the spots on her face
yellow teeth and round chin when she laughed
she had these great *****
but she also cried a lot more than she complimented
and also cared a lot more than she prayed
and I wonder what she does now a-days
who she is, where does she call home?
does someone think she is beautiful?
After all these years is she still just words written on a wall?
because now when I look at that wall
I still see a mirror and all I see
is a lifeless pale face and these ******* charcoal holes that just melt away into nothingness
and I think if that isn't ugly then I don't know what the **** is.
I am eating myself alive
every sweet bite tastes like forbidden ecstasy
sinking my teeth into sugary soft pink flesh
finger lickin' fun
my lips taste like my last meal
I am not scared of how good I taste
only that I am hypnotized by my inability to stop
So I keep savoring the sweet flavor
it's the worst binge episode I've ever had
but you can't lock this kind of fridge
it will just open back up again
I leave the spicy flavor on my skin
still searching for the saltiness of slathered meat
How big can I get I question,
as big as I want
when food is my only friend
who else cares what eats me alive.
Her last class assignment asked a simple question
1. Write a timeline of your career goals.
She looked at the blank page for a half hour.
She looked at the blank page for a whole day.
She found the blank page crumpled up in her backpack a month later in between a moldy sandwich and a warm water bottle.
She found the blank page in her sock drawer a year ago right next to the pair with little pink hearts and xoxo's.
She found the blank page on the side of the highway 5 years later after it had been ran over by cars and wheels and all that was left was little pieces of white paper crumpled up and lost.
She found what was left of the blank page on her mirror & it read in scribbly handwriting.
The worst kind of fear is the kind that you can't escape
the kind that maneuvers through your bones
implants into your side
programs your muscles to feel that stabbing pain
it is so hard to even stand up
it takes everything for you to even get up in the morning
and they scream in your ear to "fight it"
but even your ears are plugged up with this horrible wax
there is no turning back
I am scared of my own body and i want to run and hide from it
I can't find a way to get out so it is useless.
I am useless.
This is useless.
We have always crossed paths in each other's lives
we've been characters, too scared to develop a major plot
actors, who won't step up and be the lead
writers who don't have the confidence to pen the truth
directors who get lost on their own way home.
But I am not a show, I don't want to be seen by only your eyes so tell me now if we are canceled because I have better things to do.
She looked at me with glassy blue eyes
They looked like the pebbles that I used to collect by the ocean
Her cheeks shined like the stars
and she tried to stop the tears from dripping into her coffee cup
The best stories have always begun with
"I have to tell you something,"
and the worst stories have always begun with
"I have to tell you something,"
So I stayed inside that day because rain reminded me of her face
and I called my doctor and asked him how big the human heart is
When he said, "the average weighs 10 lbs,"
I said, "Well I think i'm sick because mine weighs about 50."
I have stopped looking for her face
because it brings back memories of when I was 17
and I walked through halls of hell and tore up my insides
looking for a thing that couldn't be forged in fire.
I still try to find myself but I stopped looking in dark spaces
because those have a way of pulling you in too close