5/24/17

do not confuse moody
with impatience
you grew up in a ray of light
surrounded by warmth
people that set you up
to be the way you are
raised in togetherness
you never had that wholeness
ripped away from you
or experienced the death that
swallowed my own blood
confirming the dissonance
that was always to exist in my life
into an unknown
and so all my darkness
makes me "self-absorbed"
because it's so painfully affected my days
my weeks, my years
it's hard to simply ignore
because i was a plant half-watered
since the day i was born
and you received growth in abundance
so we assess the grey areas
and you fill the black voids
with white luminescence
so why are people are driven away?
you're always able to pull people in
with the right words to say
i fall for it, too
the seven of nightlights
a candle floating in a river
my flaws are the bend of a waterfall
i've sent you straight over the edge
once before
but you always burned fervently
all the while, engrossed and enveloped in me
this darkness unwavering
two kids in a living room
to two adults on the roof
just a moment
a split second
that preceded a memory ingrained

5/24/17

speak of her
when we all know
i'm just a downgrade
from the one who got away
and you're the one she left
to find the one she decides to wake up to
each morning

5/24/17



our bodies are rhythmic
i could tell
you wanted it
we won't call it anything
but we could stop
but it's not easy
is it more painful to not have you
or is it more painful to have you
knowing you can share that rhythm
with someone who isn't me
the girl that's always
puts me at second
which is more of a compliment
reality says i'm better seated at fifth, or sixth
and you make me your universe for one night
and more nights after
and turn around
and turn against me
with lovely words and a grain of confidence
it's so painful
that you fill spaces in my body that perfectly match
but never settle in my heart
and we never did
the thrill of addiction
sugarcoat it so not to cheapen
this abstract love
where you make the rules
but you also give me a way out
it's not like i have to stay here
but i'd move away
from how crazy i'd be
not *******, not loving
i wait for the day you say
"you're beautiful"
even if it's not the beauty
you swear you're gonna find
in someone that isn't me
one day
it's pathetic

5/23/17

she taught me of new beginnings
and the healing of january
that you don't have to be profound
all the time
you don't have to be observed
you can change the storyline
but still remember that time

together we drank in nashville
to the days of virginia
swearing to return to art
when we got there
our lives were in full circle
she still believed in me
she is the closest thing
to an older sister i know
and maybe i am strong enough to say
that i don't love the person
that she let go of too

forget that i never even asked
to be apart of a narrative
that's supposed to make us feel good
or that i never asked
to redeem a life with you
that's been dead to me
long enough to forget the distance
you placed
and decided on your terms to come back
only for me to be haunted by the day i wept
in a public place for you
and in your car
and for hours in the dark of my living room
with a drink in my hand
you're the only one
who expects for things to be emotional
without the actual emotion
for things to be physical
without degrading it to be only physical
forget that you get to respond
when you want to
forget that you get to **** me
when you like
forget that I'm always bending to your parameters
your rules
your definition of "friendship"
the *** may have been consensual
but it doesn't feel like it
you don't want us to forget our time
bur "it's so special"'
how can we give up
without getting away from each other
altogether?
we can't

5/23/17

i don't need to know where you were
or why you were
you're capable
and i'm unhinged
so i bite my tongue
while slowly unraveling
a silk ribbon
expecting to be gracious
and instead leaving
finite and forgotten
yet it's so wildly enticing
i can't keep mind off it
just like you
you were a weightless breeze  
gliding the timeline with intent
to sanctify the hollows
where our souls are supposed to be
an immovable statue
an immaculate picture
for whom i must convince myself
that control is okay
so the tables can turn

5/23/17

low

you don't have time
to check in
and it feels so low
you have time to bring wine
you have time to kiss me
sleep with me
leave me in the morning
you have time
to say "i'd love to"
when i choose you
to venture the world
you don't have time
to read my messages
it feels so low
to not be acknowledged
like you don't even care
except at your convenience
you have time to know my body
to see and taste
undress and redress me
but you won't address me
or give me time