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  Apr 2020 Hansel
Stained Glass
'Suicide is the only thing, you can control in your life.
And that's why it's considered a sin.
Because you're beating God
At his own game.'
Hansel Apr 2020
I was getting good at it
of convincing myself i've attained self-love
repeating the expression countless times when i'd rather hear nothing
scribbling small "i love you"s in pages i wouldn't get as far as to
even writing a reminder poem when there's doubt
i thought i had it
until the world demanded "let there be isolation"
living everday alone without anything to keep busy at
i finally gave in and see myself behind filters, without censors
and i saw no sign of love
but judgements, insecurity, unworthiness
even a notif from a family member saying they miss my presence
sparked indifference
because why would anyone want me by their side
a girl who's been pretending she got all self-respect to have
who knows who else she's giving fake love
you thought you're fine until you're not busy
Hansel Apr 2020
be more empathetic, you say
it's unfair that i complain
of being exhausted everytime
unlike you?

you don't get it
that's cause you're not,
why would you be worned out
it's not you being all tolerating here

it's you i'd been putting up with
when all that's left is tolerance, get out asap
Hansel Apr 2020
i was in my mother's womb
when i first attended a wedding

the second time, i was a flower girl
but before the reception i tossed
all of the petals on myself like a curtain
so my father had to sneak off
and pluck from the church garden

being different amidst murmuring lips
i passed and white roses on the floor
were joined by orange tulips

the third time, i don't quite remember
except that i tiptoed so hard in years
to witness the bride being kissed
while seeing my mother in wistful tears

recently, it's with my grandma
and i knew no one else
they said "my sister and i" were close
to the bride when we're younger
but they probably just inserted "i"
afterall, i attended in place of her

yet, during the processional
when all faces were unfamiliar:
bridesmaids, groomsmen, ring bearer
and bride with her mystic entrance,
i sobbed like a proud fairy godmother

why was i crying
did i miss being an innocent flower girl
was i envious of the people
blessing the soon happy family
did my eyes thought there'd be no better setting
to cry out all the pain than its unfamiliarity

is it because i feared that when mine comes
my family won't be there to bless,
witness me kissed by the groom
or if i would even last to the day
where i'll find myself a groom

who knows, maybe it's because
i can't wait for the ending
to grieve more in regret of when
i first attended a wedding
congrats to my very-far-in-bloodline relative, whose wedding unknowingly made me cry so bad
Hansel Apr 2020
timpla ng kape
mas gusto ko'ng matamis
sayo'y mapait
Hansel Apr 2020
Tik tok tik tok 9:25
Monday morning, there goes
The teacher's yells of passion
But the rhythm of the clock
Is what's keeping her attention

Even with a wristwatch
Whose clicks interwind with
Every arteries and veins
Why does one turn his back to
See the time behind the machine
of course i had to write this during class
Hansel Apr 2020
What sense do you consider the most precious?
Among the five: sight, hearing, taste, smell, touch
The four-year-old me would say it's taste
Upon licking her first mango-flavored ice popsicle

When she rode the bus and watched the sunset,
It's sight because it reminded her of some crush
And when they reached a mountaintop
There'd be no better view than city lights at night

Teen days came and she discovered emo music
Which she blasted through earphones for hours
This, along with her cat's meows & purrs
Comforted and made her say "I'm glad I hear"

At dawns on weekends, she strolls the coastline
Sniffing the scent of the sea as it kisses her soles
Or she'd be on the neighbor's garden
Finding the healing smell of a flower or its roots

Tomorrow, she'll find a lover thoughtful of hugs
She'll admire the sculpture of their nose bridge
The sensation when their lips touch
Smiles between kisses, making her the happiest

I can't choose one
My favorite sense changes with time
With new situations, with new discovery

When I hear the ringing of tinnitus I get anxious
That I can't sleep with the drizzling rain again
That when allergy stuffs my nose before sleeping
I can't wake up to a friend's gift - aroma diffuser

Only after sore heartbreaks can one appreciate
How lulling it is to slam the keys of the piano
How satisfying it is to drink water after starving
Locked in the room, crying over past pictures

I  love them all equally
With each passing minute, observe them
As they occur naturally in everything
a poem of some of my favorite things and experiences: mango flavor, a particular plant's roots..
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