Stirring the brew,
Breathing the fog,
Cooking tomorrow,
With a great deal of slog.
Boiling and poaching
A raw, shellless existence.
Percolating my prospects,
With erratic persistence.

Talking,
The walls have no ears.
Smiling, winking, flirting, kicking
Only my silhouette peers.
Screaming,
No heart to shed no tears.
So, talking to myself,
I have been for years.

Wall one for my pictures.
Wall two for my words.
Wall three for my structure.
Wall four for my hoards.
Wall one for my times.
Wall two for my space.
Wall three for my dimes.
Wall four for my pace.
Wall one is falling.
Wall two coming loose.
Wall three is squalling.
Wall four for my noose.

Early morning,
Late night.
Morning,
Late, late night.
Noonish,
Early, early morning.
Evening,
Morning.
Sleeping circles.

Black and white tomb.
Anamorphic face.
Indistinct frame.
Abandoned my womb.
Quit without a trace.
Leaving me in shame

My **** is lacking juvenescence.
Outsourcing hormones,
Injecting youth.
Youth comes with puberty.
Reliving puberty,
In a mean body,
With a middle age mind.

I feel my petals drop,
Slowly on the ground.
Leaving voids, emptiness.
Leaving me undone.
Bare.
Barren.
Unsound.

The bottom seems deeper today, darker, wider, more consuming.
The bottom feels eerier tonight, scarier, heavier, more looming.
Yet somehow there's a familiarity.
Have spent so long here, it's some kind of home.
The phantoms and demons keep me company.
But is it better than being alone?

The pit is damp, the air compressed.
The walls too steep, my mind possessed.
No wind, no movement, not a breath.
Just thoughts and visions, smell of death.
I look up, the sky is black.
I once was out, but now I'm back.
Outside the pit, on outer ground.
Though on parole, my soul was bound.
The thoughts, the visions came with me.
Inner, outer, never free. Never free. Never free.

One on the shelf,
Above the bed.
On the mantle,
Near the bread
Box, in the corner,
Of the kitchen top.
In the bathroom,
Next to the soap.
One more is my bookmark.
Another with the spoons.
Surrounded by my imperfections,
Mornings, nights, and noons.

Left leg red,
I wriggle.
Right hand blue,
He sprouts one more.
Left hand green,
I contort.
Right leg yellow,
He has four.
Right hand green,
I squirm.
Left leg blue,
His is two meters long.
Left hand yellow,
I fall down.
Playing twister with my depression,
There goes the gong.
I always lose, he always wins,
He cheats and I play along.

My endometrium is worthy,
To embed my future.
Just two things left now,
Embrace my past
And untangle my present.
If only I knew how.

The dark bead dropped on the cold tile shattering into tiny droplets before fusing again into a dull black mass. The edges creeping forward, outward, swallowing the border lines, expanding, launching thin arms, with gaunt, bony fingers. Soon the dark is all there is outside in, filling the lungs, crushing the air, the life.

The darkness flowed through the cracks in the floor, enclosing one tile at the time. Filling the room with a shadowy grip. Long, grim, fleshless fingers climbed up, into my throat. Clutching my air, leaving dark osseous char marks.

I need to be, I need to try, I need to have, I need to do,
more, more, more, just,
alive. often. air. more.

Blockage,
At my age,
Is sad.
No flow,
I know,
I had,
For so long,
Was wrong,
And mad
With thoughts,
And lots
Of guilt, and add
To that,
The gnat,
Inside my brain.

****** words are not attractive,
Their charm invisible, misplaced.
Covered in red plasma,
Concealed, unseen, unpleasant.
****** words, of ****** days,
Are put to rest.

Some days I wander,
Others I don’t.
Some days I wonder,
Others I haunt,
Me.
Still, some days I wander,
Others I swirl.
Some days I wonder,
Others I curl,
Inside,
And hide,
From me.

It is heavy, the brick,
With another on top,
And a third,
Forth,
Stacked in a *****.
Weighing down, razing my heart.
Squeezing all blood and life out.
Killing joy, extinguishing air.
Bruising, abusing,
Crumbling prayer.
Where will it quit,
This tower of pain?
Will it before or after,
I go insane?

Pale sunshine yellow,
Fine, gentle, brush strokes,
Coating cold, hard bars.
It’s bright and summery.
Glowing warmth.
In between the shadowed lines.
Crispy breeze scattering grassy scents.
Dandelions seep bouquets.
Beyond my airless, noxious cell.

A rotting, wasted putrid mass,
Underneath the pastured grass.
Steaming stench of oozing bile,
Wrapped in unbelievable smile.

My steps are echoed by no one's.
My loneliness synced with the moon's.

In a deep deep well,
Where I dwell,
I can smell,
All the stale, stale,
Souls.
And I hear,
Bells are near,
And it's clear,
Death is here,
In the walls.
Now I know,
Fear will grow,
Hearts will slow,
Life will flow,
Down the halls.
Then last,
Low the mast,
Trumpet blast,
Life has past.

Eeny, meeny, miny, moe,
Catch the monster by the toe
It will holler,
Don’t let go!
Eeny, meeny, miny, moe.

Eeny, meeny, miny, mite,
It will squirm and scream and fight.
It will pull your hairs and bite.
Just hold on, use all your might,
With all you’ve got, keep holding tight.
Eeny, meeny, miny, mite.

Eeny, meeny, miny, my,
When it stops to rage and cry,
Look the monster in the eye,
And ask it, why?
Just ask it, why?

Me, myself and I, are playing a game.
Me then, me now and me mental,
Are crumbling the shame,
Casting the blame,
Away from me,
Me then, me now and me later.

I’m repeating myself,
Repeating myself. Once, twice, thrice.
Grinding time to dust,
From dusk,
Till dawn.
Grinding, pestling, battering,
My life,
As I’m pressing on.
I’m running an endless marathon.

Night,
Sleeplessness,
Unsettled restlessness.
Relentless.
Voices,
Whirls in my head,
Reflecting, repeating,
Ceaseless.
Morning,
Repentful,
Resentful,
Forgiveless.­

One thought,
Replaced by one,
Other, still none,
Nother.
Flooding, dudding my mind.
Clotting, blotting behind,
My eyes.
Fixated, unfixed, entangled.
Unstable, at the end of my rope,
Strangled.
One body dangling,
Rangled,
Mangled,
Taut.
Head dropping, rolling on the ground,
Echoing,
One thought,
One thought,
One thought.

White pudding curving over the edge.
Soft and wobbly, flabby, flaccid.
Nearly, soonly, dripping, drooping, spilling out.
Trickling down the thigh, onto the floor, into the grooves, saturating fat.
So, a blank screen,
An empty puddle,
A knife.
Just to check the teeth, the hair, the eyes.

It's been a year, year, year,
That I am here, here, here.
I'm sinking deep,
Into my sleep.
I want to leave,
So I can live, live, live.
But I can't go,
When I'm so low, low, low.
I need to prove,
That I can move.
I wish knew,
What I should do.
Do, do, do.

I’m solo, carrying my own, slightly off, tune.
No vivace, no allegro, not even andante.
Just a bitter adagio elegy, fading out inside me.

I’m counting my tears,
Two, three, four.
Mini acrid reservoirs,
A hundred and two, three, four.
Crystallising on my skin,
A thousand and two, three, four.
And I’m a pillar of condemned,
A million of two, three, four.

The humdrumness of happily ever after,
Dull, like grains of sand.
Like waves, ever perpetual,
Ever repeated,
Ever reprinted.

397 samples of man,
I need to let them in.
397 whiffs of stupor,
Behind the door,
An arctic nursery.
397 beads of dread.
I will be suspended in bed.
397 needles till dawn.
Will they hold on?

You were already broken,
I know.
Before you made me go.
Before we crushed.
Before we met.
You already had a set,
Of faulty wires, a lacerated link.
And I knew,
But I didn't think,
About the tear,
I didn't care,
I wanted you.
But then it snapped
And I got trapped,
In a labyrinth,
With you in every corner.
On every next,
In every former.
But I need to remember,
You are broken,
And you dismembered,
Me.

You’re not talking,
But your silence is loud.
Spreading, expanding,
Drowning all other sound.
You’re not talking,
So, I fill the void,
With a one woman dialogue,
Hoping to devoid,
Of you,
Without losing too much,
Of me,
When I have just a few,
Left of me to clutch.

Talk to me.
No thanks.
Just give me some words.
I’ll send you a text.
I need to hear.
I don’t see why.
So we can move on.
Then just text goodbye.
You don’t understand.
No, I really don’t.
Things can be explained.
Well maybe that’s what I don’t want.

I want you to wake up,
And wish that I was there.
And when you have your breakfast,
To hate the empty chair.
To cry into your pillow,
Just like I do.
And for your bed to be so cold,
Since I’m not there with you.
But really most of all,
I want you to know,
With every fibre of your being,
You shouldn’t have let me go.

Let go,
Let time flow through me.
Whistling up and down my hollow veins.
Swirling and flattering on its way.
Knocking on windows,
Barging through doors.
Wreaking havoc,
Instigating wars.
Between me and myself,
Keeping scores.
And I'm always losing,
Both of me.
Losing myself, my sanity.
If I ever had it,
Time has it now.
And I am left with hollow veins,
And no time.

I have new lines,
New strands of consciousness,
New threads of mind.
I have new lisles,
New warps across,
New wefts around.
I have new sanity,
Minus preoccupation,
Plus sense and sound.

Out the window,
One by one.
Ever said,
Never done.
Resolutions.
And I'm here,
Left with none.
Never can,
Ever plan.
Solutions.

First I was born,
Then I was cut,
Into pieces, parts.
Separated, branded,
Marked.
White, female, Jewish – stamped.
And so, I'm stuck,
In this, existence
With these pieces,
With these stamps.
Even if I vary,
It will never be throughout.
I can never scrub it off,
The mark.
There would always be a trace,
Of before,
Piece,
And stamp.

My music plays with no notes.
My story told with no words.
My poem recites with no rhyme.
My bell rings with no chime.
My drum beats without blare.
My wind whistles without air.
My candle burns without flame.
My life passes without name.

A frozen soldier,
A silent guard.
White faced,
Barking, mad.
A voiceless witness,
With ****** roots.
Recalls,
Relives,
Reminds,
The boots,
That crushed,
That hushed,
Last grasp,
Last cry,
Last gasp.

The end of the world,
Just there.
Past the trees,
Beyond the where.
The brink of all,
A hop, jump and skip.
White nothingness,
A long endless strip.
Mere three steps,
Me, bleak strides, a rime.
The edge of being,
The brim of time.
The end of the world,
Just there.
And I am here,
So near to dare.

Unlocked,
My head unbuckled,
My arms spread.
My mind unshackled,
My heart prepared.
Unlocked,
Head to toe,
Unfastened,
Untied,
Undwelt.
Thoroughly unhitched,
Save one chastity belt.

Bare,
My head sheared,
My mind confessed,
My skin peeled.
My soul undressed.
Bare,
No cover,
No hide,
No veil.
Bare,
Stripped,
Barren,
Nowear.

A well, a pit, I'm sinking deep.
Surrounded by towering walls, I weep.
Soundless, I cry,
Howl to the sky,
Far, far above,
Out of reach,
Out of hand.

The light is no longer mine,
If it ever was.
The darkness, nearer, herer.
So close.
And I am standing,
Half not,
Half lit,
From the lightness residue,
Left in my pit.

Tacky,
Pressed,
Stressed down.
Clinging on,
Grain to grain,
Flat.
On a thin skin,
A shellish, crumbly wrap.