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Dec 2021 · 225
Hard To Love
Gwendolyn Alaine Dec 2021
You only loved me because I loved you too
You only remembered my birthday because it was yours too
You only said "Goodnight" to end a conversation
You only crawled in my arms to feel held
You only took me to dinner to get dinner
You only called me when you were bored or remembered
You're only with me because you can't cut me out
You only bought me a present so you wouldn't feel guilty about mine

You don't call late at night just to hear my voice
You don't stare at me with dumb-struck eyes baffled by my beauty
You don't drive anymore drowning to come up for me
You don't kiss me anymore desperate to touch just a fraction of me
You don't call anymore to just look into my eyes
You don't sleep with my sweater
And I don't sleep with yours...

You make me feel like I'm hard to love.
But it's so easy to love you.

Sep 2021 · 41
11 years
Gwendolyn Alaine Sep 2021
I met you on your porch
And I knew that you’d be more
Than a family friend,
To visit again
And I wasn’t even four

I was far from afraid of you
2009, you were brand new
Sleeping buried in your neck
Clutched and clung to your leg,
I’d hold your hand, or fingers of two

I didn’t know it then
but you’d become my best friend
Singing in the car
That I wouldn’t recognize you again

I thought you might want to call your own daughter...

Sep 2021 · 29
Gwendolyn Alaine Sep 2021
My feet ache to be free of cheap cotton socks and tight laces

To feel the burning black asphalt of neighborhood streets

Or seashell littered sands that swallow my ankles where the waves lick the shoreline

The grass with pine needles, rocks, and twigs that bite the soles of my feet

The soft wet moss that dampens my feet and will leave footprints on my porch

To shift uncomfortably in lush fancy carpets when homely scratched hardwood floors comfort me

To be sore when my legs cannot run anymore and ache in old age

To cry at the sight of an open field welcoming me home like someone's child visiting for the holidays...

Jun 2021 · 41
Daddy Issues
Gwendolyn Alaine Jun 2021
I hope your refusal to go to the doctor catches up with you.
I hope you cook things you know I’d beg to have for dinner.
I hope you cry on the interstate listening to a song we’d **** around and dance horribly to.
I hope you stalk my social media and see the difference in my smiles.
I hope you look in my room every once in a while just to check if it’s still empty.
I hope you turn over in your bed sleeplessly trying to picture my voice.
I hope you have hundreds of letters of apology written in your mind.
I hope you break your knuckles from hitting your table from work stress
I hope that drywall is tempting; wanting to watch your fist go through it like paper
I hope you know what it feels like to lose me all over again.
And this time- it’s your fault
Happy Father’s Day
Jun 2021 · 38
Bandaid Kisses
Gwendolyn Alaine Jun 2021
He flinches when I reach under his shirt
He hates the way his hands shake and blink
I watch the way he shifts when he doesn’t want me to see the stretch marks
And he doesn’t like wearing t-shirts
And he fixes his hair every 2 minutes like the President might walk in the door at any second

But I love touching his soft skin
And I love when his hands hold my thighs as if they’re a comfort
And I love looking into his eyes until my whole body feels like it’s blushing
I think the stretch marks are art and I love tracing them when I’m holding him
I love when he wears t-shirts; the frame of his shoulders and his arms look better than usual
And I dream of running my fingers through his hair when we’re in bed

So I’ll give him bandaid kisses until his insecurities heal

May 2021 · 328
My Heart Asks
Gwendolyn Alaine May 2021
I don’t know what you’re wearing today
Or what sugary breakfast you had
If you’re old enough now to have a crush on a boy
What his name is or if I know his older siblings
Have you learned all your multiplication yet?
I don’t know who your friends are or if you’ve made any
I don’t know if you ever wish you could hold me
I don’t know if you ever ask about me

But my arms ask about you
They ask me “When can we hold her again?”
My hands ask “When can we cross a street with her again?”
My legs ask “When can we tangle up in a cuddle with her again?”
My shoulder asks “When can she fall asleep on us in car rides again?”
My ears ask “When can we hear our favorite fit of giggling again?”
My fingers ask “When can we tickle and braid her hair again?”
My lap asks “When will she shrink into a toddler and sit with me again?”
My waist asks “When will she hug me and how much longer until she grows tall enough to hug my ribs?”
My lips ask “When can we kiss her forehead goodbye again?”

And my heart asks “Does she know how much I love her?”

Mar 2021 · 96
21 hours
Gwendolyn Alaine Mar 2021
I have been here 21 hours

I have met 9 new people

They gave me a welcome basket with crayons and bath towels.
They took my phone and looked through my things.
There’s locks on the windows
And laminated papers with rules on the doors
My bed is noisy and the girl to my left cuts and the girl to my right is here because she did ****.
The girl to my left takes pride in how well she can fight
The girl to my right got pregnant
The boy with the Air Jordans slept with the **** girl
The boy with the shaved head scares me
The boy across the hallway flirts with me while I’m wearing my boyfriend’s sweatshirt
The shower head is rusty and the water smells and tastes like metal
They asked me my body count
I think I lost my appetite for the rest of the year

I’m going to get PTSD from this place

I miss my mom
I need to leave
I need a hug
I think they all need a hug

I don’t fit in here
I’m not one of these kids, right?

Mar 2021 · 57
Opposite Rooms
Gwendolyn Alaine Mar 2021
I never want to get married
Isn’t it scary?
50% of all marriages end in divorce
A ship sailed with due course
A force of habit
I don’t want that to happen
Couples who sleep not touching
Or even in opposite rooms
Bleak eyes in the mirror; teeth brushing
Monotone under the hardwood floor glooms

But I think I could marry you.

Feb 2021 · 62
Save for Later
Gwendolyn Alaine Feb 2021
I wrote down what you said to save it for later
To read it over again
My self hate stimulator

I kept screenshots of her to compare myself to
“There’s always something better”
Am I a downgrade for you?

I saved the flower, the one from your funeral
Pressed between two pages
It’s dead and was beautiful

I wasn’t hungry so I saved it for later
But I didn’t feel like eating
Even an hour and year later

The last time I hugged you I tried doing the same
Trying to hold on like remembering a name
I tried so hard; a memory fabricator
But those kinds of things you can’t save for later...

Gwendolyn Alaine Feb 2021
By no means is this my work, I’m highlighting this in celebration for Black History Month

Southern trees bear a strange fruit,
Blood on the leaves and blood at the root,
Black bodies swinging in the southern breeze,
Strange fruit hanging from the poplar trees.

Pastoral scene of the gallant south,
The bulging eyes and the twisted mouth,
Scent of magnolias, sweet and fresh,
Then the sudden smell of burning flesh.

Here is fruit for the crows to pluck,
For the rain to gather, for the wind to ****,
For the sun to rot, for the trees to drop,
Here is a strange and bitter crop.

-Abel Meeropol
This gives me chills every time. This references the mass lynchings of African Americans specifically during the early 1900s in the South. Such a beautiful and disturbing poem and I only thought it was fitting to share with all of you so we can appreciate African Americans, as well as poetry.
Jan 2021 · 49
Gwendolyn Alaine Jan 2021
I was told I’d grow when I turned 11
But middle school boys weeded me out in grade seven
They said “Your legs look like a grasshopper”
And along with them the class had hollered

And I wore mascara to soccer practice
To get Eli’s attention because he ran the fastest
Instead of a compliment he said in place
Embarrassing, harsh: “What’s that on your face?”

Lunch table talks with friends felt safe
Then someone asked “How much do you weigh?”
I went home later and eased on the scale
92 pounds and a sharp inhale

Girls used to ask me “What diet do you use?”
To look taller and proportionate, I started wearing boots
“Oh my god you’re like skinny, skinny.”
“Like a piece of paper” and “I’ll call you Twiggy”

I finally told Eli and in response his plateau:
“Greenley has bigger ***** and she’s a grade below”
And so the line plummeted and stilled in my bones
And I cried in the bathroom and asked to go home

And Drew forced the glasses I’d wear and not stop
So I could finally see my acne or his “connect the dots”
And the ******* the screen who’d be a societal ten
Didn’t look like what was between my legs

I wasn’t anorexic, or bulimic, or what you think
I was just “too skinny” and I started to shrink
I started to notice how I looked in pictures
I’d read ways to gain weight in Health magazine scriptures

I wanted to try out for volleyball too
So I went to get a physical, but left with a tattoo
They said after they weighed me my BMI was too low
And they couldn’t fill out my form; I teared up and then let go

I told him not to go to the party
And I didn’t know words could really hurt me
Drunk words are sober thoughts
“You’re unfuckable.”; my mind rots

The girl he dated before me is everything I wish I was
She’s not too tall and her skin is bronze
She has no blemishes, crooked teeth, or fine lines
She’s an hourglass that’d make you forget the time

I used to love hugging people, but then I froze-
Can people feel my bones when I hold them close?
I still love giving hugs, but would they accept my offer?

I just don’t know if they’d ever love a grasshopper...

I’ve had this in my drafts for months now and in my head for even longer. This is probably one of the most important pieces I’ve written for myself. I don’t know if anyone will actually relate to this but I thought I’d put it out there. Thank you.
Jan 2021 · 53
Dance With Me
Gwendolyn Alaine Jan 2021
There’s a rooftop pool in New Orleans that I’d love to take you to
I was 2 feet shorter the last time I was there but I remember the view
And I know it’s pretty at nighttime and it overlooks the city
There’s music from the streets, so will you come and dance with me?

Dec 2020 · 42
Cheat On Me
Gwendolyn Alaine Dec 2020
I could feel his hand on my back and we danced to Pretty Woman
Please cheat on me

I could lie like this forever on his chest; can you imagine how well I’d sleep if he was here next to me?
Dear God please cheat on me

I could close my eyes and almost remember what it felt like to breathe in his skin and have the bridge of our noses meet
Please just cheat on me

Your pupils dilated when we were downstairs on your couch; I might have gone insane for 3 seconds but I swear you said “I wanna marry you.”
Cheat on me please, for God’s sake please

“I can’t hang up either. I can’t. Please do it for me. I just want to stay here with you.”
For ***** sake PLEASE cheat on me

It would make it so much easier for me to hate you...

Dec 2020 · 131
Gwendolyn Alaine Dec 2020
I painted a portrait for a friend of a friend
Brushes of paint, old with split ends
Details of color, sharp suit and collar
But at the end of the day I had painted for my father

Will he like how I painted the shadow here and there?
                                                     Blue carving out their contrasted form
Will he notice the detail I did on the hair?
                                                     Pinks and oranges, yellow for warmth

I added orange highlights, it’s his favorite color
                                                           ­ Mix in the white, thin out the grey
I wasn’t even paid yet but I had earned every dollar
                                   Just one more stroke and I’ll be done for the day

“I like the way you changed the teeth”
                                                          ­   I try to paint over my broad smile
I bite the inside of my cheek
                                                           ­       “Thanks dad” I chime juvenile

My harshest critic
I just need a sentence
I just need your indicant
To remind me I’m significant

I finally finished a portrait yesterday and I realized that the entire time I was really only painting it for my dad. He doesn’t usually get involved in my art but for some reason he really liked it and then it became my obsession to share that with him. Even to the point where I think I dragged out the painting longer than I should have just have more time for him to notice all of it.
Dec 2020 · 61
Sound Asleep
Gwendolyn Alaine Dec 2020
The last couple nights as I go to bed
I’ve held my sheets tight wishing you were here instead
I curl my legs up to my chest
And pull them close firmly pressed
Until my muscles tighten and sore
I’ll grasp them forevermore
My fingers ache to interlace yours
My bedroom wishes you’d walk through it’s doors
The shadows gossip to the corners of the room
I drown you out with my cheap perfume
My eyes are shut but I’m still wide awake
Trying to picture you here, you’re where I feel safe
I’m cold but I’m sweating under my blanket
I can’t hold you and I’m starting to hate it
I turn my pillow to the cold side
I know my dreams will tell me you’ve died
I know I’ll walk to the bathroom and sit upon the sink
And the faucet will beg me to throw it all up and grab a drink
Listen to the whispers, do I hear my name?
And wake up in the morning, and play the game again

Missing a lot of people this year...
Dec 2020 · 64
Gwendolyn Alaine Dec 2020
We live in a long distance relationship
But your house is only a fifteen minute trip
Six feet and masks became a requirement
But I’ve been long exposed to a different confinement

So what if we were older
And we slept so much closer
Where we shared a life
Outside this time
And we slept in on weekends
And stayed up on nights
And we didn’t have to bend
Every rule and given rights

I promise you I know that I’m borderline insane
To think about windowsills with you when it rains
And being alone for more than three hours
And buy house hold things that we can call ours
I like to make plans and knows what’ll happen
But you came out of nowhere and were never mapped in
Maybe that’s why I love you so much
I had no idea I’d need you or us

“The idea is that we would share the bed stupid.”
“Well that’s the end goal right?”
Dec 2020 · 40
A Nothingness
Gwendolyn Alaine Dec 2020
I know everyone like to write about stars
And the sun and the planet and things afar
But what about space? The empty part
And the gaps of air that never touch stars
A vacuum of gasping, swallowing cold
Watching planets die but never grows old
An endless state of comatose
It’s entirety no one knows
A tomb of cold and never touched dust
Pockets and vents of dead words hushed
Dead and suffocating things that were crushed
Planets that we’ve never even named
Have died and dissipated into our space
It’s quiet and void, no sounds, no noise
It’s immense and black and terrifyingly dim
Drowning hazard, “DO NOT SWIM”

But do we acknowledge, or even address
It holds us together, our lovely nothingness...

Dec 2020 · 569
If I Were Me
Gwendolyn Alaine Dec 2020
My mother told me I wasn’t the type to be *****
I was the type to say something and I wasn’t faint
Because that’s what it means to be a woman right?
We’re put into categories, hold your tongue and bite
The strong and the weak
Glare or turn your cheek
She wondered “Is this what it means to be a woman today?”
So she cut her hair, changed her clothes, and slowly frayed away
Woman are for men to sink their teeth into
But if you do so willingly, then you’re a ***** too
And so I sat there listening, thinking of their claim

I think that if I was ***** I would probably do the same...

A lot of people close to me have been affected by **** and it was my grandmother that said to me, “That’s just something that happens baby.” And I realized that it’s not weak to have to go through ****. We have a gut reaction to put the blame on ourselves and feel gross when it’s not our fault. Women have been threatened with their life for the pleasure of another man. THAT is what is disgusting. And I hope that if it ever comes to it, I can stand up I for myself but truly I’m a hypocrite if I ever say “Why didn’t you say something?”. Because truly, I’m not sure I would stand up for myself either.
Gwendolyn Alaine Nov 2020
I measure my worth, by numbers on a screen
Assigned, completed, and again, the routine
An 85? I need to be in first
98? Two more wouldn’t hurt

We stare at the scale and think of a limit
Step on again, hope to see a different digit
Opposites wished they looked like each other
“Too much“ or “too little” we desire another

Or maybe the number their bank account holds
Their values and morals were set in molds
Perhaps how many people they’re above
Maybe they’re lost and they don’t know what they love


Today I feel happy and I don’t care if it’s stupid
I love the people around me and I’m grateful that I’m human
Being away from people made me think of what they’d say
If they knew how I much I loved them and missed being away

I made a new playlist and worked my *** off on a paper
I made a 100 and I slept in a little later
I think I work harder when I’m happier
And today I wore a shirt that was a little flashier

And yeah I miss him again today
And our 1 year is three days away
But regardless of our whereabouts
He makes me happy every day throughout

So instead of those numbers to ensure how much I grow
I’m going to count how many days I stay happy in a row...

A letter I’ve written to myself when I’m not as happy as I am today.
“You know, I don’t think I’ve seen you this happy for this long. Happy looks good on you.”
Nov 2020 · 403
Time Stamps
Gwendolyn Alaine Nov 2020
I opened up my notebook to decide to throw or keep
And I read the letters I wrote to you before I went to sleep
I wrote about orange cases with capsules inside
And red lines on my arms that I tried to hide
Days and dates and time stamps of plenty
But surprisingly so, I saw the days get less heavy
One good lunch apparently made my week
And cleaning my room made my brain fold neat
The day I imagined wanting to kiss him
And then the day it actually happened
The waves of feelings that came out of nowhere
On the days of panic attacks pulling my hair
2 steps forward, 1 step back
The days my mind went jet black

So I bought a new notebook and picked a page
Randomly, impulsively, out of my cage
I’ve stopped worrying about time stamps and periods of time
I just want to be happy, not wait in a line

Nov 2020 · 49
November 20
Gwendolyn Alaine Nov 2020
I don’t know why I remember it so well
The time we’d be “friends” and put through hell
Our fingertips and palms kissed in the backseat
And afterwards I cleaned my mascara’s black streaks

Or you explaining something about World War II
And we stayed up so late even though we had school
I never wanted to hold someone more
Than that moment you said “We should go, it’s past 4”

Or the time you skipped first period with me
Or when you bought me lunch, your kindness free
My mantra was “Only __ more hours to get through”
I hated how much I loved being around you

I felt like I was in a movie when I saw you in your suit
But I forgot how to function or maybe even move
As everyone started leaving from our high school dance
You kissed me on that bench like you’d never see me again

Or falling asleep on the phone with both plugged in the charger
And waking up to you so close but being so much farther
And watching your face light up when you opened up your presents
That I spent hours for searching to show my loving efforts

I smile like an idiot when I think of you calling me beautiful
I don’t know why I reject it, sometimes it feels unsuitable
And how ridiculously sweet you tried explaining to me
With hand motions about my thigh gap; “Like this, see?”

When we kissed on the couch and by your bathroom sink
I had never seen your eyes like that, you never even blinked
You look like you had seen a ghost, or instead maybe an angel
And if I continued on that subject, I might be sent to hell

So in the most sincerest and arbitrary things of my memory
I love you and I look forward to our one year on Nov. 20

-“Beautiful woman that I love so much”
Gwendolyn Alaine Nov 2020
I thought I wanted a quiet tongue with brown eyes and a bookshelf
I thought I wanted someone closed who I could figure out myself
An arts course over sports and a poetic academic
Leather, corduroy, a flannel, and jacket made of denim

But I think you caught my eye because,
You remind me of the person I wish that I was

You’re confident and you can tell by even looking at your posture
You’re incredibly smart and funny, a chapter written by no author
Whether you realize it or not, you elevate a room’s mood
And I can’t stress enough the kindness and empathy you exude

When I pull away from you I feel physically colder
And the longer you stay is like a brick’s seeping mortar
I hate that I can’t give you a perfect world and more
But I’ll never love you less than the day I did before

“I don’t want to say it though”
“Just say it”
“But it sounds stupid and cheesy”
“I’m ok with cheesy stuff”
Oct 2020 · 104
When I Say I Love You
Gwendolyn Alaine Oct 2020
They’re the bend in the road
Of a familiar ride home
They’re a white washed mantel
With a never used candle
They’re a kitchen sink
With winter leaks
They’re a ceiling attic door
As children long to explore
They’re the hardwood floor of a hallway
That socks have slid down, grasping the doorway
They’re the doormat that have greeted
Every guest that has been seated
They’re the hallway blueprints that you have in your mind
And could walk in the dark in that you’ve memorized
They’re the pencil marks written on the doorframe
From years growing, your age and your name

They’re the home I’ve always lived in
And the one I wish to buy
With the riches of my heartstrings
And clichés that underlie

I think a lot of people over or mis-use the word I love you. I think if I were to ever explain what it’s like to love someone, not even romantically but emotionally, this is how I’d explain it. People are the reason you make a house a home.
Oct 2020 · 36
Strung By Pearls
Gwendolyn Alaine Oct 2020
His kisses turn my insides out
It’s all that I can think about
The neck of the bottle, a glass of gin
Lips wet glass and I drink my sin

Silver silk, crushed velvet
Respires strung by pearls, angelic
Songs the color of skin flushed
Staggered breaths, whispers hushed

His hands were shaking nearly breathlessly
Is it strange that I admired this tendency?
Like a wood of cedar when winter hits,
My waist fit deftly below branched fingertips

“Give me my sin again” - Act 1 Scene 5 Romeo and Juliet
-William Shakespeare
Oct 2020 · 26
Wallet print
Gwendolyn Alaine Oct 2020
Because the second I turn eighteen all you’ll have left of me is that stupid creased wallet print of me in pigtails

I can’t wait to turn eighteen
Then I’ll finally be free
I can have a space
And get away
And you won’t be suffocating me

I’m not going to say it
But I have more than one favorite
Curse word that reminds me of you
Are you ever going to get tired
Of your dictionary desired
Word bank to throw at me too?

Insults of many
I’ve heard plenty
But my favorite is “You’re mine”
I’m not an object or yours to sign
So ******* stop and
give me back my life

I already know
How I’ll overthrow
Everything you want and more
I’ll play by your rules,
make you seem adored
And leave by morning, a rather quite simple show

Because isn’t it the same?
The way you played that game?
You pretended to care,
affection and share
And then mom left and you took what wasn’t yours to claim

You won’t meet my groom
Or be in the delivery room
Just know that I’ll be happy when we’re finally split
Considering most the time, you were in the way of it
Imagine that... My life you’ll only assume

Isn’t that funny?
How you chose to “love me”
You’re the reason I’m here on this earth
Now you’re the reason I can confirm

That I simply, do not love me...
a letter of many i’ll never send
Oct 2020 · 39
Gwendolyn Alaine Oct 2020
I was almost late to my first period class
I was holding onto your smile that never lasts
I can only hold you here in REM
Where my dreams are so real I can’t distinguish them

Oct 2020 · 52
Gwendolyn Alaine Oct 2020
I grew up very isolated but I didn’t really mind
I liked my own company and time wasn’t hard to find
I grew up with 16 acres and a pair of ladybug rain boots
You bet I had the time of my life, chasing frogs in pursuits

My horse’s name was Chocolate Surprise, no I didn’t pick his name
But he knew of every secret of mine that could be put to shame
I would make my own world in my backyard magnolia tree
And I loved to close my eyes and listen to the color green

I could write about a million more lines for this poem...
Oct 2020 · 27
Ferris Wheel
Gwendolyn Alaine Oct 2020

Yes, I’m aware you’ll never read this
Are you aware I thought I was in love with you?
I still don’t know if I was
Small southern towns aren’t really a good habitat for a gay couple
Do you know I almost kissed you at Allison’s house?
And lost my **** when you said “If I was him, I’d totally date you!”
Best friends, lovers, there’s a fine line, huh?
Lost a lot of mascara over you
I started listening to your music
And wrote a bunch of other poems just like these
You’re the only one in my friend group that doesn’t know I’m bi
Coincidence? Yeah definitely not
Remember when I asked you to go to the fair with me?
Yeah, I just wanted to kiss you on the Ferris wheel like in the movies
It’s stupid
Just like the compliments I took as flirting
Or like the screen of my phone when I threw it across the room
All the pictures I took at the awards ceremony?
I only look happy in one of them and its of me and you
And it’s as stupid as the guy I dated to get my mind off of you
And it’s also stupid that I miss you
And I’m not sure if it’s as a friend or something I wanted to be more
So even though I don’t mean it,

I have someone else to kiss on a Ferris wheel and it’s way better than the movies...

Sep 2020 · 237
Gwendolyn Alaine Sep 2020
I stare at my homescreen
It turns black,
I see fifteen
I see mom in her eyes staring back

I miss hearing her voice down the hallway
Does she know how much I love her?
It’ll be like this forever, always
She’s eight already, nine is closer

It’s depressing how much time I’ve lost
Am I a good enough role model for her?
It’s already done, here comes the blanketing frost
My throat and lungs are sore from crying this year

I remember the day you came to us
Pink and soft, like you could be in a catalog
Mom let me hold you, you made such a fuss
Just like me, “Maybe she’ll like to paint and draw”

I miss holding you every single day
This keyboard is tired of speaking for me
I love waking up next to you sleeping, but it wasn’t today
Down the hallway, the pattering of your feet

But you’ve lost seven of your baby teeth
And I don’t fit into your world anymore
And I don’t know where I am or what world I need
Dad never calls and Mom doesn’t either, but that’s my norm

...I just want you to be happy.

Sep 2020 · 174
Gwendolyn Alaine Sep 2020
I dwell in corners, not sure where I fit
Terrified of rejection, my stomach won’t sit
I live in hallways and stand to the side
I linger on things, long after they’ve died

I truly love being there with the others
Smiling, laughing, silver like feathers
The broom that threatens to decimate my thread
So I prefer to keep quiet, deathly unsaid

I dance on ceilings, see a different perspective
They haven’t climbed that wall yet, maybe it’s why I’m defensive
I wait for a spider to come to me first,
To live on me, dwell on me, I’m a cobweb I’ve learned

Sep 2020 · 348
On The News
Gwendolyn Alaine Sep 2020
I thought that stuff only happened on the news
It’s starting to turn into an ugly purple bruise
When I found out that people could actually die,
right there in front of you
Or be dying inside from the hurt that they’ve endured
My brain conjured scenarious

My bedroom ceiling is my favorite news channel,
and it comes free of charge
My eyes are glued to the screen contempt,
The white “nothing”, a blank card
It’s better content than the stuff
my brain makes up for me
The midnight traffic of my neurons
I miss the ones that are boring

I hate the ones that are recurring,
and the ones of people hurting
Who am I kidding? They’re all like that,
My body unconsciously turning
When did I start worrying,
about people dying?
I wish I knew the date;
I swear I’m trying
The sleeping pills made me drowsy
But I lied to my dad so he felt like he was helping me
I know he had his own problems
But does he know I’m at the bottom?

I think the nightmares get worse
when I’m feeling stressed
But ******* Christ I’m tired,
of feeling so depressed
I’m scared of telling people what my nightmares are about
Scared of what I’m made of or what my brain can amount
Hey Stephen King, I could write your new script
Your movies could make millions from my brains at-night conflict
My brain is getting cluttered and quiet frankly, overgrown

But if you could see just how real they are,
you’d see I’m living one of of my own...

Sep 2020 · 35
Gwendolyn Alaine Sep 2020
I always wonder what it would have been like if it was reversed
If you had stayed on this earth and I had gone first
A person worth living with smiles to bring
What would I have lost, a non-existent something?
If it was me hooked up to all those tubes and bags
Who’s tears would fall first, yours or Dad’s?
Yeah I always wanted to get a tattoo and go to Greece
Just let Kadi pick my dress though, don’t put me in that stupid fleece
Casket? Get the cheapest and save your money, it’s just a box
Let Abigail pick my flowers and give her my collection of rocks
I always wanted to grow out my hair, shave it and donate it
Why would it matter that much if I haven’t experienced it yet?
“She had such opportunity” for what? It’s ok I didn’t need to
Thanks for teaching me about rock and roll, it’s now my life’s glue
If I had died, Abigail could have still given you grandkids
But you dying took away her mom, and you can’t replace those kinds of things

I just wish it was me so I didn’t see you in pain
Chemo, radiation, I wouldn’t complain
It hit me when I saw them carry you out on the stretcher
But the movies lied, you were still warm, your hands a soft leather
You had to go to the ER on your birthday, isn’t that *******?
They said you were brain dead and there’s nothing to do about it
I didn’t understand, you still looked my mom
Just with a new haircut, until the embalm
God I hated it, your hands were like wax
Your lips were sewed and my stomach collapsed
I was so nauseous and sick, my hands ****** away
I couldn’t look at you, I nearly ran away
My dad broken, not cried, but sobbed
How was this fair? Our lives were robbed

People said “It’s part of God’s plan”
But I miss our kitchen dances, Talking Heads, and Roxanne
No matter how much I write, I know I’ll leave something out
You won’t be here, my life without...
Not here for my first car, graduation, or college
My dream of owning a garden, and a tiny stone cottage
I know you’d make a Pinterest board for decorating my dorm
Or little things, no late night cuddles, I’m cold, without warmth
I miss watching TV dramas, just to make fun of them
You holding me when I’m sick or a nightmare that I’d dreamt
I want to wear your old wedding dress when I walk down the aisle
You won’t be there in the hospital room to hold my first child
I don’t know how to be a mother, who will I go to?
I’ll have to go off of the years you gave me,

Can you please just come home?
I love you and I miss you...

Sep 2020 · 97
Drowning In You
Gwendolyn Alaine Sep 2020
The Romans made their statues out of marble and stone
The Chinese made terracota from the earth’s gifts alone
The Egyptians made paper from their great river Nile

So tell me, who crafted your beautiful smile?

Was it the Greeks who carved your hands from clay?
An Aztec’s turquoise for your eyes on display
Your skin a marble polished from leather
Your freckles India’s delicate embroider

I probably look strange when I do a double take
But I’m looking at my favorite thing, you can see it in my face
My insecurity strangles my wanted freedom
But I’m telling you, you look like you should be in a museum

Porcelain and jade behind enclosed glass
Just you in the exhibit, but my gaze isn’t fast
I’ll take my time drowning in you
And kiss you with my last, my lips turning blue...

“We do not want merely to see beauty ... We want something else which can hardly be put into words — to be united with the beauty we see, to pass into it, to receive it into ourselves, to bathe in it, to become part of it.” -C.S. Lewis
Sep 2020 · 57
Downtown Streets
Gwendolyn Alaine Sep 2020
Cottonwood the summer snow
Spanish moss on light wind blows
The grass grows fast and life is slow
Lightning bugs our cinema show

Beale Street Memphis and New Orleans
“Are you with the Baptists or Presbyterians?”
Take you for real barbecue
Tiny places I’ve poured my heart into

Family owned coffee shops and downtown streets
Lyrics we scream in crowded backseats
The familiar scent of summer chlorine
Grandmother’s homemade sweet tea

Thick but sweet like honey, a southern accent sings
A porch swing hangs by boots and miscellaneous things
Hydrangea tips and cobbler recipes the women’s book club’s fuss
A piercing pinch from a mother's hand if she ever hears you cuss

Rivers and forests that hold my childhood
Moss soaked in fairies and knighthood
Fishing spots and four wheel drives
Sunset skies the color of your eyes

Run barefoot in tall “feather” grass
“Not-for-nighttime” narrow paths
White washed bricks older than the magnolias
Ladies with pearls, hairspray, and strollers

Football games with roaring joy
It’s an experience that makes you want to join
Red, black and white; 90 degrees
A mid-fall breeze, its nights like these

Spring Green Markets on a freshly cut lawn
Candles and jams and fresh kettle corn
Homecoming and Christmas parades you just can’t miss
Lights strung downtown in the winter

It doesn’t get much better than this...
I wrote this about my little small town I still like to call home. There’s a lot of it that also just represents my love and comfort of the south in general. There’s nothing else like it; it really doesn’t get much better than that and I truly believe that. The people around me that I love, remind me of home. People and home give me the same feeling and I truly believe that there’s a fine line to separate the two. You can travel anywhere in the world to exotic beaches and castles in Europe, but you’re never going to get that same feeling that you would in a small southern town...
Aug 2020 · 71
Gwendolyn Alaine Aug 2020
For something to get to heaven, it has to die right?
I suppose the post office doesn’t have a mailing address so
Could I send you a care package even if it’s not pure and white?

I’ll rip the canvas of the painting I made for you
And shred the thousands of letters I’ve written to you
I’ll trash the playlist I made with your name as the title
And of course a bag of Reeses cups (for survival)

I should have given you an extra pair of clothes I’m sorry
I know you hate the seam on that dress they put you in the casket
Why did they take you, God, I need you, why?
I’ll tie it with a pretty bow and ribboned basket

I don’t know ******* all the memories I want to share with you
The letters should catch you up, I wrote one everyday, this one too

I’d send myself too but I know you’d want me
to enjoy the life you gave me
I can’t go yet I’m sorry, I’d rather give you a couple grandkids first

I’m sure you’re enjoying a cup of coffee with Mr. Lennon or Dr. King
Do send them my love and the world’s everything

I love you Mom

Gwendolyn Alaine Aug 2020
He read me a poem at 4am
The words poured it of his lungs like he had a glass in hand
With my forearm against the chilling window,
If I had ever been in love, it was at that very moment

I begged him dearly “Please read me something.”
I was half expecting him to laugh or stumble over the words
But the lines bled out of him
like the tears that fell from my face
when he had finished
Even my poetic verses cannot explain how beautiful that moment was

If I had known it would end a day later, I would have asked him to read a little longer...
Maybe in a daydream he can hold me in person and read me stars we’re under
Aug 2020 · 154
Stick-On Ceiling Stars
Gwendolyn Alaine Aug 2020
Complexion like complexity and a complex thing indeed
Your skin against mine is all I really need
Like an astronaut studying astronomy, my catastrophe is disastrous
But your luminescence is a speculum of my once pointless self-conscious

So can we buy stick-on ceiling stars
You know, the silly ones that glow in the dark?
And we can lay on our backs and make up a constellation just for us to make our mark?

Aug 2020 · 64
The Thumb of Autumn
Gwendolyn Alaine Aug 2020
Winter, spring, summer, fall
“What’s you’re favorite?” I love them all
Me and seasons have a funny relationship
Like how some don’t like Christmas because of a hardship

Winter is pretty, when it’s white
But I remember when I was little and money was tight
Rush inside the door to save money for the heat
And Mom’s birthday around the corner on a January week

Spring is full of blooming memories
and the rain’s never-ending date
Mom’s death and Bug’s birthday that she never wants to celebrate
Easter lunch,
of tasteful, family, fights
And schools quarter tests and exams, such excite-full delights

Summer is too humid but I like it at 72°
When I’m left to do nothing my thoughts crowd my room
“Summertime Sadness” lives here
My birthday spent without them again this year

But just between the index and palm of fall  
is my favorite season of them all
The thumb of autumn where
the leaves are half red and half green
Apple cider, cinnamon candles, and orange sweaters
my favorite scene

Aug 2020 · 43
Gwendolyn Alaine Aug 2020
It’s 11:13 at night and I’m laying in my bed

I’m trying to express my feelings but none of it really rhymes so I do apologize for the not so pleasant reading as I attempt to make this poetic

I woke up five minutes ago
But my alarm clock didn’t tell me so

Why am I staring at my ceiling?
I know it’s cold but I’m still sweating

I know you’ve never even been here
But I miss you laying here next to me
I usually wake up like this from fear
A nightmare of someone’s leave

That’s what I’m afraid of most
Being lost, alone; ironic, I know
I’m met as an introvert
But I’m scared that they will get hurt

I’ll make them sad and run away
Or worse they guilt themselves and try to stay

So if you’d like to magically appear,
now would be good
I miss you and I’d kiss you
if I ever could

So I pulled my arms through the sleeves
Of your blue and gray sweatshirt
I only wish I’d met you
So you could have known me first

Not the girl who obsesses
over her imperfections
But the girl that had the confidence
To ask you to dance

The girl I knew, years ago
Was bubbly and stood out
But she did it on purpose
Because she didn’t mind
that she was incredibly loud

So I’m sorry you couldn’t have met her
But I try to pull her out
She’s stuck in a box
And she’s always trying to shout

I always thought the problem would be to find the perfect person
But it wasn’t even that and you were my first one

Yes they always tell you that you feel more than you know
“You’re in over your head”, idiots...

my heart is

“Loser... I love you” “I love you more”
Aug 2020 · 52
Plus Tax
Gwendolyn Alaine Aug 2020
I bought that notebook for $5.99
But those pages hold my written lifeline
Explaining my thoughts is hard for me
But give me a pen and it’s so **** easy

I have sad things and angry things on these dotted lines
Happy things and dreamed of things, but not the kind you’d like
If you’ve ever even met me
Or seen me in the airport
I’ve probably written about you
In some line, verse, or chord

I write about beautiful strangers
And clothes on hangers
Words of nonsense
And people of interest
Things that I’ve lost and things that I’ve found
Fears and scares and words of doubt
Memories that I barely remember
Only these pages can hold them forever

I don’t always write about
Happy pretty things
Because the truth is I’m a sad person
Most of the year’s weeks
So I’d rather be a sad
And beautiful spoken writer
Than a person with over used lines
As a very “happy” liar

So every letter that notebook has
Costs me $5.99 plus a couple cents tax

Aug 2020 · 40
Good Nightmares
Gwendolyn Alaine Aug 2020
White or red, painted with fear
Roses are still roses, Alice dear
We love to paint our roses and make them seem pretty
He comes with an “I’m sorry” bouquet;
He still hurt you, didn’t he?

Ironically saying “I hate you”
In a love language still hurts
And lying and saying I love you later can sometimes make it worse

Makeup and pretty things and a bank account to count on
Do you see the pattern yet? What they all have in common?

Those with pretty roses are still sad and angry people
Because a rose is still a rose, no matter how pretty the petal

Sometimes I have dreams,
Dreams of pretty roses that grow
And I wake up crying wishing I had them, do you know why?
Do you know?

Because dreams are just good nightmares
That we all wake up from
So I’m sorry this truth is ugly
And deafening
But roll the drum...

Sometimes the things we want or “need” in life still won’t make us happy. All things, like dreams or nightmares, are all temporary. We all wake up from them. It’s an endless cycle. I want ___, we get ____, get bored, now we want a new “blank”. Objects will always consume us. Focus on the people you love. Love is the only thing we take with us when we die. Hold on to it.
Aug 2020 · 140
Guitar Strings
Gwendolyn Alaine Aug 2020

I trace the lines that sleep on my wrist
Sometimes they cry and ask for friends
They play a rather seductive chord
The silver smiling, “Give me more”

Is it really a lullaby if it keeps you awake?
That smile you wear is just as fake
I know you want to be in control
How does losing blood make you whole?

I know it hurts
Don’t pretend like it doesn’t
The shower’s hot water
Stinging, malignant

When were we taught that pain means “in power”?
Lives of misfortune, the truth is sour
So you know who you are
If you need a hug
Pull your knees to your chest
When you don’t have love

That hunger you crave won’t fill your stomach
It’ll drown your heart and others with it
The strings of that guitar that you pluck
No sound will stream, only blood

Aug 2020 · 57
I Hate The Color Pink
Gwendolyn Alaine Aug 2020
I hate the color pink
And coffee and tea to drink
But I wish you could know
how I smile even though
I hate just how I think

I hate the summer
and cold, bitter winters
I hate Dumb and Dumber
And people like splinters

I hate when people compliment, compromise, and accuse me
The days when people point out my body’s “not necessarily amusing”

Pesto on pasta grosses me out
And people who tell others they’re not good enough
I don’t like New York though I’ve never been
My anxiety to fall in love with the crowds I’d walk in

I’ve taken such a liking to hating other things
But what they don’t tell you is I find beauty in many beings

Favorably the thing I find so beautifully intriguing
Is the look in your eyes when you’re telling me that I’m


Aug 2020 · 73
White Picket Fence
Gwendolyn Alaine Aug 2020
I woke at 2 am from a melancholy dream
I closed my eyes, went back to bed, to recall the untellable scene

The dream was in the summer
And we spent our lives together
Our souls like the wind
Happiness without an end

We had an emerald lawn
And a tin roof for rain
And a white picket fence
On Windflower Lane

No jobs no taxes
World peace was in place
No money need be spent
Life at a slow pace

We cooked together in the kitchen
Simple things, no need for riches
A garden, porch, and brick patio
A white magnolia and weeping willow

Kisses under pale moonlight
Fingers laced, we’d never fight
Sleep in till 9 every day
Here we will forever stay

Aug 2020 · 49
Gwendolyn Alaine Aug 2020
We drove out of town to see the night sky
Said to look northwest for the comet up high
I don’t believe in magic or that karma is true
But I closed my eyes and wished on a shooting star for you

Where the orange and blue met looked like the color of your eyes
And I wanted you there, your fingers laced with mine
The smell of you lingered on my skin
And though the faint outline of it was thin
I wished and I prayed
Black faded the day

I crossed my fingers, should’ve knocked on wood
Just in case, I wanted it to be good
I closed my eyes and pictured you laughing
God imagine the kiss we might be having
Under the stars, wrapped in each other
As the night wind blew and promised each other

Thousands of years away
On our backs we’d lay
The pinprick lights
No city heights
This is where we’d stay

I’ve only ever seen his work
in photographs
But Van Gogh is nothing to you
But I’m envy of how long his paint lasts
Starry Night perfection
and a historical revelation
But how could it be true
if it looks nothing like you

Imagine that, so many years
We could be together, only happy tears

So if you’d like to know
I’m sorry I’ll never tell
But I wished on a star that fell
Because I love you so

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