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Danny Wolf Nov 2020
...
Sometimes the days are so tender
And you feel so far away from everything you know you are
(Strong, resilient, beautiful)
And you just want to crawl out of your own skin
And return to the Earth and star dust you are made of
There is a vastness you are trying to find
Like the ocean
And the mountains
An ancientness and forever you can taste
But are struggling to be
The crashing waves are just the same as the tears that roll down your cheeks
You’re not sure why or how
But you know that it is just the way it’s always been
I believe pain only come from two places -
Love, and lack of it.
How far have her ashes traveled since the day my father poured them into the ocean?
I watched as the waves crashed over his boots
And he didn’t even think to move
It was the most beautiful and utterly heartbreaking thing I have ever seen
I come here stand face to face with the deepest pain
I have ever known
And to be reminded that angels exist everywhere
In every form
When we let them in
Danny Wolf Nov 2020
To be light
Has always been so foreign to me.
I think I only know depth.
Even when I’m high,
**** is it heavy.
My lines between pleasure and pain are thin.
You know when the love is so **** good it hurts?
Like it’s breaking you open
Shattering you
Into something new.
I am comfortable under the dark moon
And understand the things that are meant to be colored
yet come in black
Like shadows
They are a friend of mine
I like their shape and ambiguity
How they show that light shines darkness, too
Sometimes I stay awake at night
Just to be with it
It’s stillness and silence entice me
I don’t think I came from the sky,
Maybe
I am from deep
within the Earth
Cradled in the warm darkness of her womb & waters
Maybe
I am from the ash of the Fire
in her core.
Danny Wolf Aug 2020
There’s a hunger in my stomach
and it tastes like you.
Like memories,
just can’t satiate the same.
Although it’s never quite filled me
in just the ways I’ve wanted it too.
I want to know you,
again and again and again.
I long to feel closeness,
to fill the gaps between us
and **** up all the air you breath out.
I’ll never let you slip away
through the sieves in my mind.
But, if I know you at all,
you’ll find a way back in.
We’ll walk together in dreams
(and the hunger will follow me).
I want to swallow you whole
so you can feel how you somehow
still shake the Earth inside of me.
You are a home that I am sometimes
speechless inside of,
and almost all the walls are down.
We stand on opposite sides,
almost always.
And I long for one of us to walk around.
Danny Wolf Jul 2020
Like the wind between my fingers
I know so well but can never hold
I can catch in my hair
Or in a memory
Like the days it blew strong on the New Mexico mountains
Rustling through the sweet high desert sage
A feeling familiar
I know you, Wind
Although to you, am I just another of the many faces you have blown upon?
I know you will always carry me
From the banks of the Ganges where I breathed deeper than I ever have before
To the space within my circle of tobacco prayers
I looked at the moon and it danced in the night sky
You blow beyond the realms of Earth
Into the queendom of Spirits and Angels
And she is behind you,
a light beyond the moon
My Grandmother’s Sky
Shines down upon me
I can still hear the voice
So clear.
I entangle myself with it before I sleep
And in the morning I wake still in dreams
Of catching you
In my hand
And it being real
That I can hold you
Feel you as more than just the reprieve of a soft breeze in summers heat
That I can **** you into me
And you will catch onto all of the tiny pieces
Where you exist inside of me
You are the one who has traced yourself along all of the waters
Who fears the edge of no mountain
But rather seeks the journey beyond human’s perception
Maybe you are God
Is there none but you so Ancient?
So incomprehensible
With elegance far unknown to flesh and blood
Or have you carried us with you since the beginning of time?
All there’s ever been is existence.
Death is like you.
Ungraspable and barren.
Omnipresent and miraculous.
I will turn myself into the wind.
Danny Wolf Jul 2019
Today is filled with headaches and their residuals,
with tears I wish I knew how to cry.
When will I feel worthy of releasing this?
I keep ripping up fresh healed wounds,
giving because time became a mystery.
Have all of me,
because I know I’m not here to stay -
can stitch it up and refill later.
I’m full with emotions that I know all too well.
Felling too big to hide within myself.
This is what holding in feels like.
Feel you sticking in my lungs,
pushing through my thoughts.
My own body, demanding itself to be heard.
Soon a ringing in my head,
knives at the womb -
twisting, ripping free,
cause my heart can’t help but hold on.
Will she rage at me again?
     I’m sorry.
I’m always sorry -
     for you, for being too much, for taking
     it to heart, for loving, for-giving.
Never for myself.
And I do not deny that
I know my body language
and I know when I’m not listening.
I know my demons by design
and I know when they are starving.
My own hands feed them.
Too busy distracting myself from the things I know are good for me.
That love I want is far.
That love I need staring back at me.
Her hands, reaching out,
she feels the cold
and is pushing through,
reaching into abysmal distance
for something to take hold.
To pull me back home.
Voices I wish I didn’t want to hear
are singing and enchanting me.
I’m left to face
and this age old Demoness,
withstanding the trials of time.
Tell me what you feed upon
and I’ll serve you on a ******* silver platter.
You are so delicate,
like a flower.
You are all the thorns
you don’t really want to be.
To be seen as precious,
(you are so precious)
so precious they don’t want to pick you,
destroy your beauty.
I’m afraid of any more withering.
Let me stand alone
like the desert rose,
like the blade pushing through the concrete.
Never chosen,
always just a wonder.
Danny Wolf Jul 2019
I sit here under a clouded sky,
the winds carry these prayers far and wide.
My Angels burn within this Holy Fire,
and I am everything but alone.
The embers, the glow.
For the first time I am warm when the air is cold.
Time may just have stopped,
and in this moment it may just be me and this fire,
me and all I’ve ever truly needed -
the sense of Spirit running,
pulsing through me.
The mountains, my mothers,
the stars, my hidden fathers.
I want to be no where but here.
The smoke encircling me,
making me clean again.
Pure.
I hear the voices of my loved ones,
I see my grandmother looking down over me,
smiling at her little girl,
grown into woman,
into someone beautiful.
I hope my father is proud,
and my mother at peace.
I pray for those who are hurting to find something that to them,
feels like this fire does to me.
Something that can heal and nurture even the most wounded parts of their being
and make them feel safe inside their body,
made of both flesh and Spirit.
I smell the sweet cherry tobacco,
the burning Pine and sage.
I am home here.
I am home because I am in prayer,
in understanding with Creation,
again connected to the Holy Spirit
that breathed life into me.
There is contentment in this moment,
where I can find deep gratitude in all my pains of the past,
and where fear has no place inside of me,
or anything surrounding.
The fire speaks to me loudly and it’s mantra is
“It’s okay.
It’s okay, child of the Universe,
I will hold you when you are suffering,
when you are at a loss,
when you do not understand.
And even if you walk away for a long time,
I will burn the same when you return.
I will remember your name,
for it holds my essence,
    you hold my essence,
in your Spirit, in your scars.
I will remember your hands,
for I have marked you with beauty and strength.
Tend to to me,
and you will come so gracefully back to yourself.
You will learn to be soft, precise, fierce.
You will learn to nurture,
to bring warmth and light to everyone in your presence.
You will learn how to turn from ember to flame,
how to turn so graciously to dust and ash.
How to become something from nothing,
and how you need Air and Earth to survive,
and water to keep you calm.”
This path is golden,
but not without pain -
tis why we pray.
This path is the greatest love I have ever known,
tis why we pray.
And in that is everything.
That we never need a reason,
yet everything is a reason.
I can send my voice up as tears of both grief and gratitude flow out of me.
Could there be anything more beautiful?
More true?
I know undying trust
and pain just as absolute.
I know the pain, the shattering pain,
is what made me search, have faith, believe, understand.
Dedicate myself to something profound.
I know love is the true essence,
why these hands only want to give and hold.
Why I will stay up all night by this fire alone as the moon makes her way through the night sky.
And I won’t question a thing.
Not where, not why or how.
Tonight I will relieve myself of the constant tilling and uprooting of every piece of my life and suffering.
I will leave space for the Divine to make itself a home inside of me,
and remind me how absolutely precious I am,
Life is.
I will let my body be the altar tonight,
and not dare doubt
how life could ever be this beautiful.
Danny Wolf May 2019
It froze me cold in the thick of night,
The demons taking hold.
Feeling myself falling into this hole.
I can no longer taste the mornings of waking before sunrise
and praying that I please be better today than the day before.
More pain is encircling me now,
I’m chasing my own tail trying to get back to myself.
The walls are caving in and my breath is shortening.
Why don’t you remember what it means to stand in your truth?
I’m calling out to you.
My heart is breaking for the broken,
And I’m fragile still from the shattering of death.
I can not hold the broken glass.
The shards are ripping me at the seams.
I’m bleeding, can’t you see?
Can’t you see how this is tearing into me?
I smell that demon on your breath,
Clouding up your head,
And the exhales are slowly suffocating me.
I thought I could handle them,
But they seem to be slipping into my bloodstream.
The fears of you alone
Carving knives into your soul,
I swear it shakes me to the bone.
So I toss aside myself,
Thinking I can just pick her up later.
But as your cup runs empty,
So does mine,
And I have to pull the energy to nurture from dangerously deep inside,
From my own place that I hide.
Where no one is supposed to go.
You haven’t seen the tears.
You haven’t heard the weeping.
But I promise you they’re there,
Ravaging and reaping.
This was never supposed to hurt.
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